Big Shot Bob Pod with Robert Horry

Transcript

This isn't your average business podcast, and he's not your average host. This is the James Altucher Show. Welcome to another special episode in this series of q and a podcasts. And a lot of these q and a podcasts I'm doing on my Instagram live sessions, but occasionally I'll do other special episodes on this particular sub feed of the feed. And in this one, I ask Robin a very specific set of questions which lead to maybe the most emotional and even heartbreaking moments of her life and the life of her family and how she survived it and and really and managed to bounce back and, you know, create a new life herself, which eventually led to she and I meeting. And it was, I I think this episode was very emotional for Robin, and it was, emotional for me and it was, you know, I wanted to be careful while I was asking her questions and and be as gentle as possible. And let me know or let us both know what you think of these things. Most of these episodes will be Q and A sessions where people on my Instagram live are asking us questions. If you have questions for me or any feedback at all, please write reviews on wherever you find your podcast, subscribe to the podcast, like the podcast. It helps I can't even tell you how much that helps me and helps us. And, at the same time, if you have questions for us, you could ask me on Twitter at jalteacher or, Robin is at ralteacher or you could email me at altaturegmail.com. And now, here's the episode, Enjoy might be the wrong word, but enjoy. Welcome to the Robin and James show. This is gonna be Robin's podcast, but I'll introduce it. This is her very first time starting. But, so, Robin, I have a very important question to ask you. What's it like to be married to James Althusser? I mean, I'm sure your listeners want to know. No. I'm just kidding. It's it's it's a horrible thing for her, but how do you feel on your first podcast? Well, it's fun, and it's fun being married to you. Oh, what's so fun about it? Yeah. I'm always podcasting or writing or doing or doing other things and not spending as much time. No. But it's fun because when we wake up, we don't really, like I don't know. It's just fun to experiment with you and to What are you experimenting on? What kind what what kind of experiments are you doing on me? Day, we just don't know what our day is gonna be like, and then it turns into this wonderful day. And at the end, we're happy. It's true. Every day. We have since we've met, I have traveled more in the past year. We've been married for a year 3 months. I've traveled more in the past year 3 months than I've ever traveled in all my entire life before that. And so you're you're a traveler. Why don't you introduce yourself a little bit? Like, you have a a very interesting backstory, very unusual, very different from anyone else I've known. So why don't you why don't you give the audience a little bit of your flavor? Well, I moved overseas, I don't know, in 2005. 2,005? Mhmm. To Ghana, and we were there for 3 years. And then after that, China for 6 years and then Kuwait for 3 and then to New York. And so it's very Wait. You were in Ghana? Ghana, 3. China, 6, so that's 9. Mhmm. And Kuwait for 3. So it's 12 years. Your kids basically, basically grew up in Africa, Asia, and the Middle East. Right. And you have 3 kids now together. We have 5 kids, 3 from you, 2 from me. Right. And one thing which we're gonna talk about is parenting. How do you parent, like, all these different shapes and sizes and and so on? You're, like, an expert in that. Like, you have a very unusual experience. And, also, you've parented them in the US and abroad. And, also, you've dealt with tragedy. Maybe you can share that story. Right. So in 2015, we were living in Kuwait, and my husband at the time was, diagnosed with colon cancer. He was 50 years old. So so when you say diagnosed, was he having pains? Just a little bit. Not much, but just still a little bit of pain. And so he decided to go to the doctor, and they found a a a dark mass when we were in Kuwait. And then they sent him to Houston, to get further, you know, evaluation, and then they came back to us and said he was at a stage 4. Stage 4, which is cancer. Which what does that mean, actually? Well, that just means you're terminal and that they gave him 6 months to a year to live. And so, but he, unfortunately, he passed away less than 30 days after he was diagnosed with that. Wow. So he was experiencing some pain Mhmm. Enough, but it must have been serious enough that he went to a doctor about it. Right. So so, like, like, he would be, like, out or, like, would it be noticeable? He wouldn't yeah. But he just, my stomach just doesn't feel right. I don't know. There's something going on. And so that's yeah. I mean, it wasn't like he was in tremendous pain, but it was enough for him that he felt that he needed to go because he never had felt that pain type of pain before. And they give him why did they give him 6 months to a year and then there was only 30 days? Like, do you think if he had never gone to the doctor, he would have died within 30 days? Probably. Yeah? Yeah. Because, he had a kidney failure and and such. So, yeah, he he wouldn't have lasted. And and how did you kind of navigate that between getting him proper care as he was getting more and more sick and also dealing with your kids' questions? Like, how did you describe to the kids what was happening? Well, there was really I didn't have to describe it because they were there. We all flew to the states, and, he was put into hospice in our home in Galveston. And So wait. Wait. When he got the diagnosis, though, how did you explain it to all the kids? Well, I said that well, he he explained it to them before he he went to the States. He sat them all down before he left and said he has cancer and that we don't know the extent of it, but, you know, I'm gonna go to the states and find out more. So that's what he told them. So then in the states, is that where he found out was stage 4? Or Yes. And so then I didn't you know, I just when I found out, we immediately, the next day, flew to the States and then, met him. He had already been moved into the home, our home in Galveston. And It's fortunate. You know, MD Anderson, just so people know, MD Anderson is maybe the 1st or second best cancer facility in the entire United States. Sloan Kettering, you know, maybe the Mayo Clinic. I don't know. But definitely Sloan Kettering and MD Anderson is fortunate that MD Anderson's in Houston, which is right next to Galveston, which was his family home. Right. So when we arrived, you know, they it was very difficult because, you know, they saw him there, and he explained to them, you know, that that, they gave him 6 months, you know, to a year. And So in Houston, they gave him 6 months to a year. I'm sorry to interrupt. They gave him 6 months to a year, and then, fortunately, he was at a nice place to stay right near there, his father's home. Mhmm. And he started staying there. And then what happened? Like, did he suddenly Well, when we got there, we had other family members there, so we were not just alone. We had family around us all the time. And, yes. So it just sort of I don't know. To be honest, it was just a blur to me. It's still there's a lot of it that I don't remember, but it was just a daily, you know, keeping him comfortable. He was in more pain for some reason than than he was when he was in in, Kuwait. Do you think it because it grew fast, the tumors or whatever? It was a very fast growing Do Do you think there's anything he could have done, like, I don't know, at that stage? Is there anything he could have done I you know, we tried to get him to do different things, see different doctors. He just wasn't interested in going anywhere. He just wanted to stay there, and so we we stayed. Like, how fast was he in hospice? Well, within a week. Wow. So he got diagnosed with 6 months to a year, and then within a week, he's in hospice care. Right. And because they they really couldn't give him, the therapy treatments that, could have helped him because he, had liver damage from drinking. And so they said that if they gave him that treatment, that it would have killed him right away. So there was he couldn't have that treatment. And so once he was under hospice, your kids were there, you were there, other family members were there. Right. Were you able to kind of you know, were the kids in your able to spend time with him, or was it just constantly doctors and people? No. We just had a nurse, a couple nurses there at all times and, you know, our family. So we were with him the whole time. You know, we we rarely left. And when we did, we would take him with us to eat or something or so he would move around every day pretty much until the very end when he really couldn't move too much. But, was he, like, in you know, starting from that moment, though, was he in so much pain that he couldn't really enjoy conversations, or or was it Yes. So he you know, every day, it just it was just progressively worse and worse. And so you could tell failure of his organs, you know, like his kidney failure and and, liver. And, you know, he would start to swell and and it was just a very terrible thing to watch. And the kids, of course, were there, and there's you know, that's you try to protect your kids from any pain or any, you know, sadness. But in something like this, there's no way that you can protect them from from that because they're there. And how did you, how did you like, given that you were balancing, you know, also trying to calm, peered out your husband while this was happening, and you're trying to manage, you know, just general family affairs and what this would mean for you and the kids. But just emotionally, like, as a parent, how would you so your kids at that time were what ages? So let's see. John was 16, and then Sarah was 14. Lily was 13. And Lily was 12 or 13. Yeah. So a 12 year old, a a 14 year old, and a 16 year old. And so how would you kind of take care of them during this time? Like, what what were they doing? Well, I mean, you know, we we tried to make it, you know, as just normal as possible. I mean, you know, we wouldn't sit around and cry and you know, but we would do things. You know? I would actually, take the kids out to the beach, or my brother-in-law would take them out. And, you know, again, we had family in at the whole time. So they were busy. The kids were kept busy, you know, by either me or my brother and sister in laws or you know? And So they must have had a lot of questions. Yes. And and my family was there. I mean, my brother-in-law was there. He's a doctor, and so he was able to to go walk through everything with them and and and answer questions. Like, what would they ask? Oh, gosh. You know, basically, what's happening? What's why is his why is he swollen? Why are his ankles swollen? Why you know, just they watched him die. I mean, did you did did did they so there's these 5 stages of grief, right, denial, and then, you know, bargaining and I feel like none of us knew that it was gonna be so fast because they gave us 6 months to a year, and so we weren't you know, we didn't realize it was gonna be 24 days or 25 days, whatever it was. Like, did you think did you think, though, you were gonna go back to Kuwait? Well, we we thought that we we would eventually because all of our things were there and our dog and and everything. We just left. We just left everything. And, so that was not on our mind at the time. I mean, the kids were out of school. I took them out of school. I didn't take them out all the way, but they they were allowed to do work if they needed to, you know, if they wanted to. But the school is like, don't worry about school right now. Just be you know, let them be with their dad. And so, you know, of course, they didn't do any schoolwork. They spent most of their time, you know, with their dad or, you know, doing things together, with the family. And then at what point did you realize this is over the tipping point that Well this is worse than the doctors had said? Right. Well, when he, his, I believe it was his liver failing or his kidneys or his body would swell. His ankles were would get really large, and he couldn't walk or move. So with my brother-in-law there, he would tell us what was happening, you know, and and that it's that he felt that it was gonna be quite soon. Your mother-in-law, Peter. Peter Openshaw. Yeah. Who's a a a well known doctor. He's a good doctor. Yes. In in in England. And so he would tell us what was happening because otherwise, we there was no way we would know. And so it was it was very comforting having him there, because that way we didn't have to call a doctor all the time and, you know, he was there for the kids, to ask any questions. But he said When when did he realize that, okay, it's not gonna be 6 months to a year? It might be a week? Well, when he saw him, you know, the swelling in his legs And what did he say to you? I I believe he said it was, his organs were were shutting down. So that's his his kidney, kidneys weren't able to process anything, so it was just kinda going into his body, I think. You know, honestly, it it was a blur. I didn't And then when he's saying this, did did anyone ask, well, what does this mean for the 6 months to a year? How did that come up? No. I don't remember it coming up. Just we weren't thinking like that. We were just thinking day by day. We didn't think that it would come to such a, you know, a quick death for him. But Let's stop to take a quick break. We'll be right back. But right. So then, you know, at some point, though, you must have realized or Peter Openshaw must have realized that it would be quick. Right. I don't remember. I honestly don't. I mean, it was just, you know, how can you prepare for something like that? How'd you how'd you tell the kids? No. The kids were there. I I didn't tell them anything. I mean, they they were there the whole time. They saw everything. They heard everything. You know, I spent their whole life protecting them from any pain, from any, you know, anything. And and but this was I was a helicopter mom, and this was the one one time that I there was, I was couldn't do anything. There was nothing I could do but to be there and and and, to survive and and to survive, you know, with them and to to try to be strong. And I I think I I can't even imagine going through that. I mean, it's horrible. I imagine at night, I would think of my kids sleeping, and what were they thinking laying awake at night, and there was nothing I can do to make them feel better. Right. No. It's that and along with seeing your spouse there as well. You know, I would you know, I he they put a bed next to my bed so that he you know, we had a nurse in all the time, but, you know, I, you know, I was I was with him all the time, you know, and at night. And the the doctors would sit or the nurse and my brother-in-law would, you know, tell me things like it's not gonna be very long, and I'm just like, wow. I don't know what to do. You know? So they say if it's shallow breath or or, you know, to let them know or to wake the nurse up or something. And and sure enough, that happened, and I had to wake the nurse up and he was dying. So we had to wake up the kids and it's terrible. So you woke up the kids? Yeah. And brought them in, and everybody was there when he died. And then how did you I mean, I'm just it seems like you had to deal with so many things. It seems almost beyond superhuman. Like, you know, John, Sarah, Lily, your kids now are stepkids or my stepkids, but they're such good kids. Like, how did you and each every kid needs something different. Right? Every kid has different ways of dealing with emotions, and, you know, and you had to kinda navigate that. Right. Well, I had a lot of help, you know, from my family, and, I couldn't have gone through it, I don't think, without them. And and and our family was scattered all over the world, and they came from Dubai and England and California, Mexico. And and we're a family that we we we all live so far away from each other. But when when the crisis like that happened, we all came together, and so I'm very thankful that I have a family like that. And and I'm sure they all helped spend time with the kids and and console them and console you. But, like, what would you recommend if a parent has to explain, like, a really or or has to deal with maybe not explain it. Maybe explain is the wrong word, but has to help the kids navigate a tragedy that's so personal to both you and them. What would what what do you sort of say? Well, you know, I felt like I had to be strong. I mean, I was the only parent left for them, and I was not strong, really. I I didn't feel on the inside, but I had to, you know, try to to show that strength, but, there are times that I would break down and they would see me cry, and that's okay. I mean, I figured out that that's okay to do. You know? That's life, And I don't wanna give them a false, you know, example of what they should do if they're sad or, you know, angry. I mean, you you should show the kids your emotions because it is normal to have these emotions. So, the best thing I could say is just to be there for them and and to let them be sad and and and and go through all that. You guys you know, we would go through it together. One thing I did do though is after he passed away, we we went back to Kuwait, and it was after about 30 days. We we stayed in the states for 30 days, but then I thought it's time for us to go back. And, I wanted to get him back into school, and I felt like giving them some sort of normality, you know, of a of a a routine that they're used to, would be good. And so that's what we did, and so we flew back. And, plus, I had to pack up and and get ready to repatriate back to the states. And, we stayed there from November until January of 2016. We were allowed to stay in there at the camp. And so it gave us some time to, you know, go through the process of all this, but we did some counseling, while we were in Galveston for that month while we were there. So that was helpful. And, I think just getting sort of back into a routine was was a good idea. And was it? So yeah. I think so. And then, continuing on, grief therapy, I think, was helpful as well. What are you learning in grief therapy? Just how to cope with with a loss, and and, the kids seem to to do pretty well, with that because the the counselor told me that all 3 of the kids were very good at dealing with loss because being a child, an expat kid that moves from one culture to the next and, experiences something like death, you know, because they lose their friends, they lose their home, they lose everything. So when you go from 1, you know, when we went from Ghana to China, they left all their friends, but a whole different world. You know? And so that's that's a big loss for them. And they dealt with it, and, they started a new life in China. And so they were in China for 6 years, and then they made lots of friends and it was their home. And then we moved to Kuwait, and so they had to leave all their friends in China. And and And they still keep in touch with some of those friends? Yeah. Mhmm. But it was still very hard for them. Yeah. And then same with Kuwait, leaving their home in Kuwait they loved and their friends and having to come to the states where they hadn't lived their whole life coming back to their passport country and, you know, coming back to this culture that they're American, and it's was hard for them because they weren't used to you know, they would judge themselves against their own culture, and it was not easy. It it still isn't easy for them. They feel much more relaxed overseas because they don't judge themselves. Yeah. I don't know if that makes sense or not. No. Well, actually, let's think about it. So, like, the so so first off, when you repatriated, not all 3 kids moved back to United States with you. Right. So my oldest, John, he decided to finish high school, in London and stay with his aunt and uncle there. Why didn't he wanna come back here? He just wanted to, I don't think he want I don't know. He just didn't wanna come back to the states. He wanted to stay abroad. And you and you were It was fine with me, you know, because, he loves his aunt and uncle. He you know? And so I knew he was safe. But when you when you last saw him, like, you're you're in Kuwait, you're packing up, you're getting on the plane, and you last saw him before moving back to United States with your 2 daughters and him not there, well very difficult. Because as a family, when you live abroad, you are a very close knit family. Because when you move from one culture to the next, you know, and you and then and then you move to this new continent, this new culture, you all you have is your family that you know, so you become very close to each other because you're sort of scared. You know? You go from one place to the next, and you don't know anybody. So the kids don't know anyone. You know? So it's you become very a very close knit family, and so that's how we were. We've never been apart. I mean, I've only was only away from my kids twice in their whole life, and, and that was only to go to look for another residence in another country. You know? And we were only gone for a few days. So, it was hard when he left and he went off on his plane and we went out on our plane, and I, you know, I knew he was not gonna be with us. It was hard. And then, of course, you moved to New York City, and it's difficult to live in New York City. Like, were you nervous? You know, what were the things you were nervous about? Right. Well, New York, I thought because the company said we have to repatriate you back to the states. Where do you wanna go? And I was like, wow. I don't know. I don't know. I don't wanna go back to Texas. I don't wanna go back to California. And my late husband was from New York City, so I thought, well, maybe we go here. And I had a small support system here. And so I thought, oh, we'll just do that. And it's multicultural, and the kids will feel more comfortable maybe rather than going to a homogeneous area. And so then they could take the subway. They were used to big cities. So I thought we'd go to New York. And so, we moved here, and then I was thinking, wow. I can't believe I moved us here to New York. It's, like, really difficult to live. I didn't know anybody. Yeah. New York City is one of those places when when everybody moves here, they kind of go through the same thing, which is that it's infinitely crowded and yet infinitely lonely Right. At the same time. And also scary because it's hard to live here. Like, financially, no matter how much money you have, New York City presents more and more challenges, you know, to to live here. Like, it's it's difficult and and to make connections. You know, everybody when you first move to New York City, I always feel like everybody wants something from you or there's an agenda. Everybody's got some sort of agenda. And it doesn't happen in other cities. Like, other cities, people are fine about, oh, a new friend. I'll get to know them. In New York City, people wanna get to know you if they can get something. And they don't say that in a bad way. It's not like they're scheming. It's just that's the way New York City is very transactional that way. Very much so. And I was not used to that at all. But like you said, I mean, it's a very hard place to meet people, and I've never been so lonely in my life even though I'm around so many people. But I didn't know anybody, and no one really reached out. All my friends were living overseas, so, at least I had, friends that I can communicate with, you know, through the phone or through Facebook or something, you know, WhatsApp calling them. But, yeah. So it was it was not easy at all. And so and then I had been married for so long, and and then being single and moving here, you know, haven't worked in you know, since I sold my business, when I sold my business in 2000, I guess. So it's been a So it'd been like 16 years? Long time. Right. Since since I had worked and and, now I had to take care of me and 3 kids. So this is really crazy. I think about how did I survive, and I did. But I just I didn't think about it. I just did it. You just couldn't. I had to just take take it one day at a time because if I thought about everything I had to do, if I thought about when I flew back to Kuwait that I had to move our whole house and repatriate, I I would have just I don't know. I I I I would freeze thinking about it. Like, what how how am I gonna do this? But I just, every day, I just I didn't think about it. It was a huge hill I had to climb a mountain, and I just had to do it one step at a time. I think that's the key. Like, I think I think if I were in a similar situation and I've never been in the exact same situation, but I've been in situations where I didn't know how I'd be able to take care of my family. And I think I kind of it was a really hard challenge for me to learn how to not to project too far into the future because then there's always disaster waiting for you right around the corner if you think about it too much. And taking it one step at a time is incredibly important, but some days, I just wouldn't be able to do it. I would and I would be really scary. I don't know. Like, how do you kind of force yourself to take it to really stay in the present and say, what can I do right now that can help me as opposed to just panicking about what's right around the corner? Well yes. And that was hard, and it was a it was I had to change the way I was thinking because I would wander I would wander off thinking, oh my god. What am I doing? Like, why am I here? Why did I move to New York? What are you doing, Robin? And at those times is when that's when I was thinking about the future. It's like, where am I going? Where and I I I couldn't allow myself to be in that place very long because I would I could feel myself really just spiraling down, so I had to stop. And you had to And I did that. Right. But I stopped by not just telling myself to stop. I had to get up. A lot of times, I just wouldn't get dressed. I would just be in my pajamas or something and, but I would just get up, get dressed like I was going to work, and and leave, walk out the door. I didn't have anywhere to go, but I had to move. I had to just move. I I would go out into the streets, and there's so many people walking, I just go walk with them, and I just walk somewhere and with nowhere to go. But at least I was moving around, and and I was able to think, while I was moving. And it's better it was better for me to do that than just sitting and and and thinking about what I need to do. Does that make sense? Yeah. I don't know. No. But that's that's interesting because you can't think your way out of disaster. You can't think your way out of stress. You can't think your way out of anxiety. Like, ultimately, the the brain wasn't sort of set up to do that. The brain was there to sort of get food and outwit our competitors for food. Right. But you have to actually do things to get food. You have to do things to trigger all the neurochemicals. On the one hand, you could you know, biologically, like, you have to do things to trigger dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, all these chemicals that make us feel accomplished and that we can succeed and so on. And more more philosophically, you have to do things to know you're doing them. You can't just sort of sit and let and and and feel this fight or flight instinct. You have to kind of actually fight or flight. You have to actually those are those are action verbs, those instincts. Like, the the body has to fight something or fly from something. Right. You know, freeze is almost the worst of the of the of those instincts because then you're just gonna get destroyed. Right. And so Yeah. Look. That was very traumatic. This was, started what we realized on our first date was that I had a not as traumatic as you, but I had a traumatic end to my marriage the exact same month. And, you know, so there was a lot of things that was happening in in parallel and, you know, similar kinds of fears. But to hear the next step in your story and to continue with how you parent through tragedy and trauma and really get through these things, and then ultimately how we met each other and and related, and and and argued. We don't always agree on everything. Let us know if you like this episode, and we'll do more and release more. Did you enjoy your very first podcast? Not that not meant to be enjoyed. We talked about such sad Yeah. It was. Tragic things. And we didn't even intend to talk about these things. It was just kind of sometimes I let the questions sort of just direct me. Right. But And also talking about what I did to to make money and for the first time in 16 years, how I found I can't even imagine, and we'll we'll save that for the next one. How do you make money when you haven't worked in 16 years? How do you raise parents at the same time? What happened when you were single? I mean, we'll see. We don't wanna go too far into that until we meet me. But, thanks for being a guest on well, thanks for having me as a guest on your show. So I'm a guest interviewer on your show. Let us know if you like it.