Heidi Fleiss

Transcript

Well, you love comedy. You're comedy fans. That's why you're listening to this podcast. And the funniest comedians in the world are on tour right now, and you can get tickets to see them live near you. So they're traveling, and they're you're bringing the mountain to Mohammed. They're coming to your town. You don't have to go to their town to see them, and they got huge names in comedy. Otsuko Okotzka is coming out. Maybe not a household name, but I bet if you're listening and you know comedy, you love Otsuko. Bill Burr, well, there's a guy. You know? Sebastian Maniscalco is coming to town near you and so many more. All kinds of shows, all kinds of venues, all kinds of funny. So head to live nation.com slash comedy to get your tickets today. That's live nation.com/comidy, and get caught up on all the comedy. Well, we're on a holiday break, but enjoy Carolla classics until we return. Pluto TV is a place for movie fans like me. And TV fans like me. They've got something for everyone, and it's free. I love free, and I love Jersey Shore. For me, it's The Godfather. Spongebob Squarepants, I am Patrick. Patrick is me. Oh, Forrest Gump, come on. Criminal Minds, solving crime after bedtime. Whatever you love to watch, Pluto TV makes it easy with thousands of free movies and shows. Pluto TV, stream now. Pay never. Welcome to Kroll Classics. I'm your host, super fan, Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights, and fans like the clip from all 15 years of the Adam Kroll Show. We have a companion podcast titled Carolla Classics with ad free archives exclusively available through Adam Carolla's Substack. That's adamCarolla.substack.com. Check it out. Sign up. Get access to many more ad free shows as well as the new podcast Beat It Out featuring Adam and J Moore. And if you like to request a clip, please email us classics at adamcorla.com. Alright. Coming for our first clip today, we have Adam Carolla show 984. This one's featuring Alison Rosen and Brian Bishop. It's the 2013 state of the union show. There's this nice little fun chunk I thought that felt very post Christmas that would fit in well. Hey, fans of freedom and open discussion. I'm heading over to substack and there's an ad free audio and video version of the Adam Carolla show that's gonna be waiting there. In the near future, you'll even be able to watch ACS live unedited as we record it, participate in the show via live chat, that'll be coming up very soon. You'll also get an ad free version of the Adam Corle and doctor Drew show. You'll also get an exclusive to my new podcast, Beat It Out, where I share unpolished ideas with my comedian buddies. The first series of episodes is gonna be j Moore. You'll get all this and more for the low low price of $9 a month, a pittance for all we're going to bring you. Subscribe now at adamcarolla.com slash substack, and I'll see all of you in our new Speakeasy called substack. Couple of, interesting things. Went to a Christmas party at my sister's. Ran into you know how I always marvel at how uninterested everybody in my family is over what I do? Yes. Especially things like books and things like that. When I say uninterested, I don't mean mean spirited. And I understand the part where it's like, I'm not their cup of tea creatively or whatever. But I would have questions for me. Like, how many of those things did you sell? Or, like, what's it take to get on the New York Times bestseller list? Like, you gotta sell 10,000 or a 100,000 or, like, look. What is that the most sold, and does it count in the audio or the ebooks or but but I'd have questions for me. More interested in their lack of interest. I am fascinated by their lack of interest. So, I wrote one book, and I've never discussed it with anyone in my family. And then I got a second New York Times bestseller book, and I've never had a discussion with anyone in my family about that either. But there I do have the rogue stepfamily, and they're normal. So they do a lot of, hey. What's going on with this? And I got an extra copy. And could you sign it for my friend Tony? I work with him. He's a big fan. I get a lot of that out of them. Just highlighting the weirdness of your actual family. Kinda underscore it. Yeah. It's like if a chick's a 6 and she's got a little bit of an a*s and bad skin and then Heidi Klum stands extra, she drops down 3 notches. See, I have a lot of hot friends, and I've always felt like if I hang out with them, then people will just think, oh, she's one of them. But maybe I'm actually making it worse for myself. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I should hang out with you guys. No. No. Like yeah. You'd be like a coyote hanging around with a bunch of purebred German shepherds. Mhmm. And everyone would go like, I'm drunk enough to f**k that coyote. I'll let that coyote blow me. Splashbacks. So, my, I have a step cousin named Kim, and her dad who passed away recently is named Gabby, who's originally my you know, everyone's a step. Everyone's a half. Everyone's confused. I have no idea how it goes. But she's really nice woman. She's a couple years younger than me. I grew up with her essentially. And she said, there's a picture in the book of all of us on the porch of my mom's shack that I grew up in, and she and her brother and her dad are all on the thing. And, she said, hey. Somebody told me about your it's always some like, god forbid anyone just go out and go, hey. I guess this guy I've known for 40 years has got a book. Maybe I should go. But somebody sent them or told them or did something something. And they sent them the picture. They showed them the picture of all of us on the porch. And she was a little cute blonde girl standing in a little flower dress. And she said, I've never seen that picture before. I don't even have that picture. Where'd you get that picture? I said, I don't know. I just, like, found it going through some old, you know, shoe box full of pictures. And she said, yeah. I went online, and I went to Amazon. And, I read quite a bit of the book. Pretty good. I said, well, now I'm rich. Now I'm rich. It's like, thank you. She's like, no problem. And I thought Did she realize there was sarcasm when you said thank you? No. Nobody I I think that's, I think whenever I say thank you, people take it as sarcastic. At least I hope they do. I mean, even if I was pulled from a river Yeah. I I hope that that thank you would be taken. You don't have to be a dick about it. You. Yeah. I hope it's always taken sarcastically. But it's just a weird thing. But first off, it's like, what's it gonna take for someone to squeeze the trigger on a 13 99 book? Like, you're already on Amazon. Yeah. How many books are there with pictures of you in it? A little more than one picture of her, evidently. Should've got a second picture. Right. That's a great sales point. Or how many pictures are there with books out there, pictures of you in them? Oh, wait till paperback, then I'll make the move. This is the, we have the old picture. You can go to amkrull.com and, take a look at it. But I thought, wow. My family is really committed to not being committed. Yeah. That's her on the on the right. Those are my 2 front doors as I always like to, laugh at, and that's, the entire miserable miserable brood. But, like I said, the the commitment to what's it gonna take? Like, we know we've established just a picture of you in this book and a picture of your dad and a picture of your brother. And stuff that she's never seen before. Maybe there's more to take. More. The guy who you essentially grew up with wrote it. It's on the New York Times bestseller. Can't be that bad. And you're already on Amazon. Mhmm. You click that mouse over and get a used one. 999? I mean, you can accidentally purchase things on Amazon. I feel like you'd be more careful not to click. Yeah. So, but she did tell me she read a fair bit of it via via the Amazon sample thing, which then started to get me pissed off at Amazon. Right. How much is it giving away? If this is enough to satiate my cousin, then a perfect stranger you you know what I mean? Like, the person who has a picture of it Perfect stranger has read too much. Has read enough to just to know that they're not squeezing the trigger on that. Oh, you got the you got the used at, $12.40.46. Seemingly a little rich for her blood. Yeah. I do. Alright. So alright. But I'm saying there's a picture of you and your brother and your dad in it. So who's the joke on? Well, you. Yeah. I guess so. Alright. So and that's as close as, that so that is the officially the most book related conversation I've had. Other relatives overhear this conversation? If they did, they quickly tuned out. You know, like, when you're on the subway Yeah. And a black dude's yelling at his old lady. You do that move. You know what I mean? You're not gonna get any eye contact going. Maybe it's culture. I don't understand. We don't understand. You can't judge, and you could get hit with, like, you know, just, there could be a collateral fist for you too. So just mind your own peace and peace. Bury your face in that People OR Us Magazine. Have you ever been next to the person who refuses to bury their face though and decides it'd be a good idea to get involved? It's always a small woman who's a little bit drunk. Oh, it's true. Like Yeah. And and, like, way too old. Well, there's a point there's a there's there's a fighting age, and that fighting age is somewhere around, like, after your period starts to 10 years after your period stops. Mhmm. That's your fighting age. Yeah. And then at some point, you become judge Judy. And, like, what are you gonna punch out a 71 year old woman? Like Right. You get a pa*s. So they can come up and go, excuse me, sir. I don't excuse you. Excuse me. I don't think it's polite. And, you know, you could be talking to an ex linebacker in the NFL, but that guy can't pound her. She's nothing. Now I'm a regular sized dude who can't come up to that guy because if I come up to that guy, then we might have to scrap. I'm in fighting range Mhmm. Age and size. Yeah. You're right. You don't you can't get the Estelle Getty Judge Judy pa*s. Right. Yeah. So she could do it or a 9 year old, you know, whoever could come up and do it. But when you're in that fighting age, that, 14a half to 15 to, like, 55 depending on how if you take care of yourself or not. Now, I had a couple, speaking of, confrontations. You know how I never stopped complaining that everyone is just getting worse and worse and worse and and especially young people and everyone has an excuse and there's no more like, well, you know, the customer's king. What well, my bad. What you know, you know, there's none of that. There's like a lot of laps you do with people, like, a lot of arguing. Like like, in the past, if you took something back and said, excuse me. I asked for this toast drying. It's covered with butter. So can I just take in the past, we oh, sorry, sir? And just take it back. Now it's like, I heard you say and then you go, I didn't because I don't I'm pretty sure, and I didn't well, somebody it's like, why are we doing laps? And then And why are you lying about like, what's in it for you to to lie about how you actually ordered? Who is this new breed of monster that we've created that has to do multiple laps? And I realized, oh, these are the kids who got the participation trophies. I've never done anything wrong. I'm I'm raising 2 of them myself. You have to do laps, you know, but why? But I don't feel like well, how come? But what about you? You you know, it's like everything's a lap. For you. Right. And then you get them in a position where they're working, but it you can't shut that part of your brain off. What are you talking about? I got I got I have inspiration for my next movie, and, I met my buddy Kevin Hanch over the break to start working on it. And I met him at one of those little breakfast cafes where you order at the counter, the cash register, and then you sit down and they come bring it to you. And you know how when a certain business takes on a personality and sometimes it's just dumb? This one just took on dumb. Like, I walked in and I said, can I sit down? And she said, yeah. And I said, do you bring the coffee? Do I get my own? And she go, I'll bring it to you. And I just sat there for, like, 20 minutes waiting for a handshake. I was, like, staring at her. The whole time, she's just staring at me. And I was like at a certain point, I went, how do I get coffee? Oh, no. You come up and buy it. I was like, okay. Everyone here is dumb. So I ordered an omelet, and it was like, what do you want in your omelet? Give me some onions and, give me some turkey sausage and, what kind of cheese? Give me Jack cheese. And she said, okay. I ordered and I sat down and I started eating this omelette and I realized very quickly this wasn't Jack cheese. Can I say this? We need cheese clarity because I feel like there's times when I order omelette and I get a square of American cheese, like, melted on top of it. I'm like, that's not what I'm talking about. And first off, there is a difference between cheese, like, when you have nachos. There is such a thing as nachos with cheddar cheese, and then there's nachos where they take the one pump from the Velveeta thing that's nothing Bueno. Yeah. But that stuff Bueno. Cheese is dairy based, not oil based and then chemical based. Like, that stuff tastes like f**king dau makes it. Like, when when I was artificial. When I was 9 and you gave me a piece of American cheese and I bit in, I was like, what the f**k is this? This doesn't taste like cheese. Like, I like cheese, especially in an omelette. There's nothing worse than the fake cheese, and they don't tell you. Now they don't usually synthesize the cheddar cheese. But once in a while, they'll synthesize the, the Swiss cheese. Like, sometimes you have to go, is that real cheese? They do a sin here's what it is. They do American cheese is synthesized. Mhmm. It's not cheese. Okay. There is such a thing as a synthesized, Swiss and a Jack too. Yes. They they don't tell you. They they come in those squares like American cheese. Right? They're just a different flavor. Mhmm. It's cheese product. It's cheese product. So they don't go, oh, this is Mhmm. It's cheese product. It's cheese product. So they don't go, oh, this isn't cheese. This is the synthesized oil based whatever. Film. So I'm eating into my omelette, and it's stuff's not even melted. It's still in its square like shape, and it's coming out and it's like and it's got jalapenos and peppers and stuff in it. And I said, what is so it's fake cheese. So and it's always way too salty, and it just f**ks up the meal. So, I said, this is pepper jack oh, this is fake pepper jack cheese. It's the fake version of Jack cheese. Somebody find me. It's like, I know Velveeta makes f**king Jack and a pepper jack or whatever. It's not who are these f**king r****ds that like this stuff? I mean, it's okay. Here's what I will give you. American cheese on a burger patty melted, doable. Fine. But when you're ordering an omelette or or you're ordering, any anything else, like, anything that has to do with Mexican food or anything that has to do with chips or anything like that, the fake f**king gelatinous hot gooey mess is a f**king nightmare. Sorry. This is where I'm on the snob. The the American cheese and all that processed cheese is never okay. Not being on a burger. You gotta aim aim higher in your life. Put a piece of cheddar on there. Put a No. I know. But when you go do In N Out and you order a cheeseburger, you don't have a cheese there's no cheese selection. So you can go no or you can go that. And I don't I don't like it. I I'd rather have real cheddar melted on it, but it's the only time horrible in certain things. That particular an In N Out cheeseburger is fine with me. I don't have to pick the cheese off it. But in an omelette is f**king horrible. It's synthesized salty, weird, oily s**t, and it doesn't never the right level of melty. It doesn't melt correctly because it's not real. It doesn't melt like cheese. So I went to the counter and I said first off, I did 10 minutes with Hanshaw on who the f**k wants pepper jack cheese? Why not jack cheese? Why are we f**king putting a flavor in everything? And by the way, I okay. I you know, I've been going nuts. I don't know what the, over under on passion fruit was for this year and who won the pool, but passion fruit everywhere. Every vodka, every yogurt. The everything there's not there's not there's not there's 270,000 flavors of yogurt now and then 80,000 of them are 5 flavors. And I like I said, there's no such thing as just getting cranberry juice. It's cran, apple, orange, nectarine, Cuban. Yes. It's just a passion. It's it's like just there's a so I said so I did 10 minutes on that with Henge. And then I walked up to the counter. I said, who the f**k wants pepper jack cheese? And as I'm walking up to the counter, of course, there's a line. And it's that weird thing. Right? I don't wanna skip in front of the line, but there's 6 people standing in line. No. I got, like, half an hour to I gotta get my f**king they they f**k this thing up. So as I walk up, I hear the guy go, pepper jack cheese pizza. Good. Thank you. And I'm I was like, okay. Thanks, dick. Like, what what f**king animal wants fake cheese? Now they don't tell you it's fake cheese, but if you Pizza. If you hear pepper jack, it's not real jack cheese. Okay. So I go up and there's the ubiquitous 24, 25 year old semi attractive chick behind the counter sort of zoned out, and I said, excuse me. I I just ordered this omelet with, jack cheese in it, and and we have this is pepper jack cheese, and I could I just have it remade with regular jack cheese? And she said, all our Jack cheese is pepper Jack, which first again That can't be true. That's the only cheese they carry? No. That's the only Jack variety they carry. So I was like first off, my head is just spinning. Like, because I said, look. You order iced tea. You order coffee. You order whatever. Don't you just want that f**king flavor? Like, when I go, give me Jack cheese, and they go, we only have Jack cheese. We have the Jack cheese to taste like a Mexican shot a snot rocket into it. I go, oh, better. Oh, hold on. Hench, leave the peppers. Put them back in the car. Usually, I have to mill my own cheese. But you already have it premade? Oh, you have the pepper anagenizer? It's about time. Hence, take the crate of peppers and bring them back to the car. Fantastic. I didn't know you guys had made this marriage because it normally has something I do with the table. But If I if someone orders Jack cheese, don't you think they might like Jack cheese? So And Pepper Jack and Jack are so not the same at all because one is disgusting and really spicy. Never is Jack. And one is fake cheese. Jack cheese is real cheese. Pepper Jack is Syntho Jack. So I said I said, well, you know, if the if pepper jack is the only jack you have I don't know what I'm doing. I this is part of my this is part of my New Year's resolution where everyone else gets their s**t together. I said, when somebody orders something with Jack cheese, you should probably tell them it's gonna be pepper jack because that might, you know, shape their decision. And she said, I'm pretty sure I told you. And I said, first off, what happened to the math? Yes. I ordered pepper jack cheese and then got back to the table. Now look. The omelet has 4 other ingredients. Am I complaining about those? Because I ordered the turkey sausage, and I ordered the f**king mushrooms, and I ordered the onions. So I'm not coming back going, what are these onion things doing in my no. I ordered that. But I ordered Jack cheese. You gave me fake cheese and it had peppers in it, and you ruined the omelet. And she goes she goes, I'm I'm pretty sure I told you. And I said, trust me. You did not tell me because if you did tell me, it would have sounded an alarm. I would have went, woah, pepper jack. Just see why I'm standing here? I'm gonna and she paused, and she goes, I definitely heard it somewhere. And I was like, first off, I wanted just to f**king dive over the counter and just start beating her head with a f**king cookie pan. You know what I mean? Like, really, c**t? Really, left out of this f**king r****ded square square off in the middle of this thing? I heard it somewhere. You're moving from someone else and but not part of your order. Right. So I said, listen. I know you're gonna think I'm a dick, and I had to apologize to everyone else who was in line too. But I said, if you heard it somewhere, you heard it in your own head. It did not was not audible. You did not say to me, I did not order pepper jack. You did not tell me you had pepper jack. Understood? And she's like, okay. And I knew she was just like, oh, what a dick. And so everyone else in line was like, what a dick. But what are we to do? How do we stem this f**king horrible tide of this crazy f**ked up narcissist? Like, she was willing to leave it at, I heard, pepper jack. Like, yeah. That's what I'll do. Like, sometimes when I'm ordering omelette, I'll go, is that rye or wheat pepper jack? Subliminal, man. No. This is the difference between the hash browns and the home pepper jack. Yeah. That's what I do. Did you did you hear that? I could've sworn it as you were ordering, was she a pepper jack? No. It was pepper jack. Oh, is she a return on? Again. What? As you want I just answered you. I could've sworn I heard Oh, man. I'm with a pepper jack. There's Can I order my meal? I'm going on break. What is that? Is that a Colombian whole roast coffee over there or pepper jack? g*****n it. What? I swear I got that too. Swearing? I Listen. Does it ever happen when you order macaroni and cheese? I gotta use the pepper jerk. Is it gonna have the keys or is the door open? Yeah. I know she heard Pepper Jack. Somewhere in her f**king feeble mind, she heard Pepper Jack. And listen, b***h. You guys have made this horrific decision to only offer pepper jack in in place of Jack cheese. And I'm sure you save a nickel, and the hyenas that come in here and eat don't know any different. But let's not try to hyena. Not this hyena, b***h. Let's not push this one back on me. For the love of Christ, I heard pepper jack. But the thing is, like, what you're saying about the idea of the customer always being right in the day, even if you had ordered pepper jack and then you came up and said you didn't want pepper jack, she's supposed to say, oh, I'm so sorry. Let me fix that for you. Well, this is bigger because yes. Agreed. But it's bigger because it's not about me getting a new omelette. I'm getting a new omelette. You guys put weird synthesized cheese in my omelette that f**ked it all up. That that's a foregone conclusion. I'm getting a new omelette. This is about you winning the battle at the counter. This is about us walking away and me going next time, I'm gonna bring my stenographer. Like, this is worse because I understand when you I once had a tailor sew buttons onto a tuxedo jacket, and then he returned it to me inside, like, one of those white slip covers or whatever, and it was in my closet for, like, 9 months. And then I was going out, and I pull pulled it out, and they were brass sailor buttons. Like, they were what you put on a blue blazer if you were really rich in in the late seventies and early. It's like literally anchors made of bra*s. And I walked back to the guy and you know, to Taylor, and I said, hey, man. Yes. Hello. My name is Graham Wellington. Put black buttons on this thing. You put big brass buttons on this thing. And he's like, I didn't do that. I was like, listen. It'd take a lot of balls for me to walk into a strange tailor shop and try to save $3 on buttons. And he's like, I but at least that guy was arguing because his whole thing was if I eat this s**t, I'm gonna be out $10 worth of buttons and out an hour worth of sowing on. So there was a reason. Mhmm. A method to his madness. Yeah. He wanted alright. I was getting a new I was getting a new omelette. She was just gonna win the f**king word. She was gonna win the battle of the words. Yes. Alright. Sadly, in memoriam, something to report to you guys, which happened near the beginning of the break. Philip the juggler, my dear friend, and I think we have, I told you about his case. He says, dear, dear friend of mine, went to YouTube and I found I looked at his act and just marveled at it. But I remember when I I he passed away. And and I thought when he was the biggest celebrity in the world to me when I was working, I met him at the Groundlings in, like, 1986 or something, and he was like a working comedian. You know? He was and he and he was, he was, making, like, $6,000 a week opening for, Andy. Moon River. Williams? Yeah. Andy Williams. Right. And it was just I couldn't believe it. And then I came across this this, commercial. And you guys can go to adamcorrell.com or you can go to YouTube and and check it out. But it was just Philip in his prime doing, I think it was a I think it was a Bud Light commercial. Yeah. Just run it. This is my buddy Philip when he was it was a Coors Light. Sometimes be a real juggling action. 1st, you need some Coors Light. Lots of Coors Light. Plenty of hot dogs, lots of buns, pickle relish, ketchup, but don't forget the circle. And how about something to light it with? But there is an easier way. You'll find everything you need at the coolest life barbecue display at your favorite store. No. Thanks to the silver bullet. You won't get caught with everything up in the air. It's just amazing to know that guy's dead. It freaks me out. He was just the most vibrant coordinated to say he'd do that on a unicycle. Just incredible guy. One of those guys who is just so f**king comfortable in his own skin, not c**ky at all. Just you know, he'd be one of these guys where, like, he'd go, I don't wanna return the omelette. He'd go, why shouldn't you? It's your omelette. You know what? But he wouldn't go like, f**k them. Go go up and f**king tell that person, or he wouldn't be like, don't cause trouble because I don't wanna get spit in my omelette. He'd just be like, well, why don't you have it the way you want it, and you should go He was like one of those guys. He'd he he he would he was, like, not almost naive in a certain way. He was just so comfortable. He was so easy. Everyone Like, who am I all so much? Wish we could be. The way we should all be. Almost innocent. Innocent. Yes. Just a great guy. So, Philip, you will be missed dearly, my friend. And, we will make a little love to one of our fine sponsors. Speaking of a guy I love, Jimmy Kimmel, by the way, moving to 11:35. Yeah. That's what happened to that kid. He's resurfaced. Finally. After 10 years in exile. 11:35, and this is a big GD deal. Finally, you can tune into those especials. Where are they now? You don't have to worry about seeing himself. 11:35. This is the best tip of the cap you can get. Put 10 years in. Can you believe it's been 10 years? New week is gonna kick off, by the way, with Jennifer Aniston and, no doubt on Tuesday. Ryan Gosling, Sofia Vergara, Brad Paisley, Bruno Mars. That's just the that's just the first week. Jimmy Kimmel live, 11 35 starting Tuesday. God bless him. 10 years and, younger, smarter, better looking, possibly thinner now. My, there's a big billboard up that we passed, big picture of Jimmy. It's freaky for my kids because we go to his house for the Christmas Eve thing and, you know, he's all over them. Here's your present, Sonny. Here's your praise. He's the most gracious guy on the planet. Here, tell me this. Do you have he's serving them pasta. Natalia, do you have pasta? He always makes pasta for the kids, and everyone else eats the seafood and everything. And he does all the stuff. And then we're driving home, and there's a huge billboard with him. And we got up the driveway, and my daughter said, is Jimmy's middle name live? And I thought I said to her, that's a good one, Natalia. That's a good one. Jimmy Kimmel live. Like and she said, I'm not kidding. And I was like, alright. Zero credit now. But it it's an it's interesting how the mind of a 6 year old works. And, boy, does she love her some, uncle Jimmy. So 11:35 starting, this Tuesday, and it couldn't happen to a better guy. Alright. Quick break. Be right back. News, more stories after this. Look. None of us know what's coming. Another wave of COVID, brutal flu season. Heck. I'm out here in California talking about bird flu coming now. It could be worse. Whatever. Be prepared this time. You can't afford to get caught off guard. I think we all did last time. When chaos hits, it'll be too late to scramble and to prepare. You prepare now before the chaos. 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It's not like I get to the store in late December and go, oh, thank Christ for the pumpkin eggnog because I f**king about I topped off with the regular eggnog in August because I always I'll sit by the pool just drinking a tumbler of eggnog, You know, July, August, summer months, summer months. Just chill out. You have eggnog. I honestly, I think I consume I average probably less than 3 ounces of eggnog a year, but there is one season and one time when I actually go, this seems like a good idea. This incredibly high caloric thing that ends with the word nog and starts with egg. This is the one time of the year where this and I'm actually drunk enough for this to work, and they have flavored eggnog. Eggnog is eggnog flavor. That's the flavor of eggnog. It it is its own flavor. It's like what? Is it it's not is it good is what? We're gonna have, like, the passion fruit root beer? Like, root beer? f**king root beer. You know when they should introduce flavored eggnog? Never. But if that's not an option, then maybe in the summer when Right. When you can't get eggnog. But to choose flavored eggnog is insane because that would mean you're depriving yourself of eggnog. There's a small window. Right. We're getting so f**king stupid. It's insane. Two things. Was Wild Cherry Pepsi like the god like the the forefather of all of this? Because cola is a flavor. Cherry Coke. Or Or whatever you know what I'm saying? The the cherry cola is what I'm saying. Yeah. And then number 2, where do you stand on eggnog? I love eggnog. It's amazing. Eggnog, it it's it's also It's so good. It first off, eggnog and nutmeg. It they're 1st off, nutmeg is a crazy sounding spice, and eggnog is a curt. Dermit and dermit moroni together. Yeah. Yeah. Of spices or of Nog and spices. Nog and spices. So if you take fresh nutmeg and you grate it over eggnog, it's f**king delectable even though nutmeg is good for nothing other than that. It's like somebody invented eggnog so that we had a reason to sell nutmeg. That's right. Yeah. I moved some to nutmeg. The nutmeg board must have just went down to, like, Santa's workshop. It went like, you must create a nog that that we can be crushed and, you know, grated on top of it. The nutmeg cartel. Yeah. It's not like there's any nutmeg in an omelet. There's not like anyone ever takes a sip of of of a broth or stew and go, you know, it's missing. Just a little nutmeg. You don't use nutmeg. Nutmeg's not much good for anything, but over the f**king eggnog. Just and and fresh ground fresh ground. I think nutmeg pops up on some of those custardy pies. Isn't it like the Yeah. Coconut custardy on the table? Like, cider. You know what I mean? But it's it's a rare holiday bread that that carries nutmeg. The, the eggnog, a little rum in there, and then the, nutmeg. f**king delicious. Not the f**king pumpkin by the way, pumpkin flavored eggnog is just a pumpkin smoothie, isn't it? Yeah. I I I've been trying to figure out what that would taste like. Alright. So let's talk, New Year's because I, I do I got my drink on. What'd you guys do? Allison, what'd you, what'd you do for the New Year's? Okay. Well, I made a rule that I wasn't going to do nothing. Mhmm. But then I almost broke the rule. Well, that's something. I would argue making that rule as something. Oh, yeah. Oh, boy did I. Mhmm. Yeah. So it was actually probably the most mellow but non nothing year ever. I just, Daniel and I hung out, and my friend Trevor came over. And then we were that, fun but awkward threesome where at New Year's, I wondered, who do I kiss? I guess both of you guys. Yeah. I I it's always uncomfortable with that person where you're just you kinda pass the you gotta kiss it and hug it out with them a little bit, but you're not sure. Although, we did the early ball drop thing, new New Year's New York feed. Yeah. New York feed. The kids buy it hook, line, and sinker. They see the ball drop, and then they pow. Brian, what'd you do? Well, dinner party with friends, but, went over to their house. We do a lot of the hosting nowadays, but we because we love doing it. But went over to their house, and I thought to myself as I was leaving, man, I really would love to have a gin martini tonight. That sounds really nice. And I was like, these are the friends that don't stock the full bar. Right. Is it your your obligation as a friend or as a host, to have a full bar? Well, I It's just depending what most people would you know, I'm not saying, you know If you invite people over I'm not saying Baileys, but I'm saying I had I had a a similar problem. If you invite people over well, first off, when you buy a house, it should come with booze. Like, why not? It's the least they could do. Well, I mean, there's certain things, you know, that we have we have certain standards. It has to have insulation in the walls and a roof on on the on the top, and, why not come with booze? Yeah. You know what I mean? They have an apartment, so there's a square footage issue. They don't have, like, a ballroom. But Yeah. It's up to every adult to make, like, a Trader Joe's run and get, like, just a bottle of scotch, bottle of gin, bottle of vodka, 750. You know, you have to get the big one. And just to have it in case, you know, folks like us come over to the house. But, yeah, it is weird when you get a hanker in for a drink Mhmm. And then they're like, well, I got a Bud Light. And you're like, yeah. That's not a martini. Yeah. Because drinks are specific, especially these kinds of drinks. If you want some whiskey or that's your thing, then you want whiskey and vodka will not suffice You unless you're out of Corona. You wanna know, you guys can just picture poor Lynette. Just picture poor Lynette for a second. We're not picturing her. Okay. I'm going over to name now? Poor Lynette. I'm going to Bill Simmons' house for for the first or New Year's. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey Carrie, who's like, I love her because she's just a f**king crackerjack. She's like, let's do it. Like, her whole thing is like, let's do it all the time. And she's like, she's up for anything all the time. So I was like, alright. So they just they made a new bar outside. And we brought all the kids and the kids were running around and everything like that. And I said, well, Bill and Carrie like mangria and I like mangria, so I'm gonna bring the mangria. And I said, oh, I'm gonna make the better man. I'm gonna make my my booze my c**ktail for these guys, and they just got a new bar. They just built, like, a new tiki bar, like, out by their pool and everything. So I'm gonna christen it with this. And they got every every accoutrement there. And I said, so I said, Lynette I called her on her cell phone. I said, yeah, we're coming stop off. I need a bottle of rye. Rye whiskey. Canadian rye whiskey because that's what you use to make the better man. I've never drank rye before until this, but it tastes very specific, and it's very good in this drink. So I said, get a thing and it's not the kind of booze that people have lying around the house, rye. It's not a normal whiskey cabinet or a liquor cabinet. So I said, yeah. Not not the one that comes with the apartment. Like, I was like, when I'm in charge. Yeah. So she comes home with a thing of Canadian rye. And I look at this thing of Canadian rye, and it says Canadian maple rye. What? Maple? And she said, I I asked the guy for rye, and that's what he gave me. And that's all they had, and this is what they had in the rye department. So I put the frying pan down slowly, and I said, maple. And she said, that's what they had. They had a whole rye department, but they didn't have more. Rye. This is it. This is what they gave me. And I thought, well, it is Canadian. Mhmm. And it's like, you know, Montreal has a team called the maple leaves, but those guys don't taste like maple. They taste like do they? Taste like chips. They don't. Oh my god. Yeah. No. So I said, well, maybe it's a maple, like maple leaf. You know, maybe it's for the place where the birthplace of the maple, but they're not saying it tastes like a maple bar. This is rye for Christ's sake. This is not f**king vodka for black people. This is these are this is Canadians. These are professional alcoholics. They don't f**k around. You know what I mean? They need alcohol. Yeah. And they need real alcohol. So I was like, maple? Alright. Well, it's probably just the brand, like maple brand Canadian rye or something like that. So we I pack up my, manganese and my my maple rye. I get over there. Of course, we don't have any lemons. Carrie can do Carrie has a lemon tree in the front yard, and she's like, one of these people is like I just love these people because I go, you have a lemon tree? Because we we're making a drink. She's like, we're making a c**ktail. I was like, oh, good. She's like, good. We're crisping the bar. Like, great. I said, but do you have any lemon juice? I got a lemon tree. Next thing you know, she's coming with, like, a shirt full of lemons. Like, it's not that thing. You know those people go I bet she has turkey nipples too. Well, once the shirt's pulled up overhead. Yeah. She's like she's like, you know those people are like, well, we have a tree, but it's pretty dark. And I don't have a ladder, and I don't know if a lot of the you know, she's like, I'll go get them. And she's goes get next thing you know, she's cutting them up, and she's got I got one of those squeezer things, and she's squeezing them, and I'm pouring them into a c**ktail shaker. Not only that, they have a they have, like, a quarter bottle of rye. You wanna talk about f**king ready for Armageddon. So I'm like, oh, you guys have rye. Alright. So I start dumping. She's like, how's it been? So, Bill loves this drink. She loves a drink. I'm I'm into it. Everyone's drinking. Everyone's getting s**t faced. So much so that we run out of the rye whiskey, and now it's time to open my maple rye. And I'm like, I'm still praying that this is just rye from the maple capital of the world. Right now, this is better, worse rye. Start making the better man with the maple rye, and now it does taste like the better man with a shot of Log Cabin syrup on top of it. And I I now I'm drunk, and I have to do 45 minutes on the people, could we just have a f**king flavor? Could we just have vodka that tastes like vodka and rye that tastes like rye and f**king eggnog that tastes like eggnog? You're f**king up my world. Meanwhile, the ball drops. New Year's I'm screaming. No. But people Twitter me all the time or tweet me all the time where they go like, I thought I bought a thing of Doritos or I thought I bought a thing of, you know, Fritos, and I got home and they were zesty jizz. And it's like Well, how is that? Oh, I mean, if you're if that's what you have a hanger in for, it's good because they just put a little that's just a little so it's a regular bag with just a little thing on the corner. Yeah. And the guy who was selling the maple rye probably never sold a bottle of rye in his life, and my wife doesn't know. And it looks like just whiskey, and it's like, ah, you're f**king my world up, people. Knock it off. Get your s**t together in the new year. Was it a liquor store or or a grocery store? It was a grocery store. A grocery store carries maple rye but not rye? According to according to Lynette Sorry. I've kicked the hornet's a*s. They were out of rye. Oh. She could have just been covering herself. But, anyway, this is what the guy handed her. And, again, I can't read all the f**king fine print. And when the product comes from Canada, maple sort of you know what I'm saying? Mhmm. You know? See yeah. See, thinking that the maple rye is maybe just a nod to the old country, but it's actually rye flavored, reminds me of when I ordered buffalo, like, buffalo buffalo chili or buffalo beef buffalo meat chili or something where I thought, this is just they're making it like a Wild West themed chili. And then I had a few bites, and I thought this is weird tasting because it was buffalo meat. Ah. And and I'm the stupid person, though, who didn't think, oh, yeah. It was right there in the name. But buffalo meat's alright. It it didn't taste like I expected. Expected. Yeah. That makes sense. I, I just I just dream of a simpler day when we all got the f**king flavor. The specific. I mean, like I said, coffee, tea, eggnog, it's all a flavor, people. Let's stick with the f**king plan. I had the reverse of that on Christmas when, my my sister-in-law made eggnog flavored cheesecake, which is kind of the same thing. Sort of. Although, I have very similar flavors. I will take I will I will accept cheesecake as a sort of substrate. Ah. Yeah. Like, catch all. I will take cheesecake with some cherry whatever over it or blueberry whatever over it. I'm, I will I will even accept a pumpkin cheesecake. I know I sound like a heretic now. Alright. Yeah. So much more to complain about. Then there's, you people on the phone. Let's see. Line 4. Hey, Hillary? What? Hey. Hey. What's going on, baby girl? Hey. Hey. Super excited. This is the first time I ever called, and you're taking my call. This is amazing. Thank you. What's happening? Yeah. Well, I was just wondering your opinion given you often rant about the current state of strippers and how they're all former gymnasts who are gonna crush your head with their, you know, 0% body fat thighs. Yeah. What what what's your opinion on burlesque dancing? Show? Well, no. And a couple of things. Yeah. The stripper thing where, Pat Benatar predicted this many years ago when she told you people to stop using sex as a weapon. Okay? And hell is for children. The strippers used to be, like, curvy and had some bosom and a little belly button on them, and now it's all just weird barbed wire tattoos and aggressive piercings and just pulsating music, and everyone's f**king angry, and everyone's drinking a Red Bull with something. So it's like you Yeah. You've ratcheted up the douchebag on whatever it is you're drinking and the f**king lap dance is like the f**king like, you it feels like you f**king laps a nail and their pussy's a hammer. What more what more upside down lap dances too? Like, the chicken and the cow's not That's the whole thing. The chicks are doing on the pole, and it's like, look. I'm not a Russian judge. I'm here to get a little boner and have a couple of Miller lights and go back and beat off in the hotel room. I don't I don't need to be impressed by this. I wanna be impressed by how good you look naked. If I wanna do this, I'll watch f**king watch gymnastics. I mean, there's a lot of stuff where you can I like, you've removed all the sexuality from it, and you've ratcheted up the athleticism? It's tumbling. Right. It's like, live watch football on Sunday because I wanna see guys being athletic. I come in here to get a f**king boner. Like, you go to a strip club because you wanna go, hey. You know, the the when you pick out, like, you're stripping a look at this one. Look at the look at it. No. Not behind her. The redhead. She's a f**king amazing you think those are real? Like, I just want but not, oh my god. This chick did a one handed handspring. This is unbelievable. She must have been on some sort of scholarship before she blew out her f**king ACL and go stripping. Right? Spectacle of it. Women would be going. Right. And appreciating it. So I don't need that. I don't need all the tattoos. I don't need all the super angry stuff. I don't I don't need that. The burlesque is sort of interesting, but it's like, how much Cinemax do guys who have access to hardcore porn watch? Do you know what I'm saying? Like, every one of my friends would be like, hey. Did you hear Desire Island 3 was on last night? It's got a desire island 4. Same 2 chicks, by the way. And it's like, you know, you'd watch all night to see a little topless scene and one where she makes out with a native or something like that. But then soon as Youporn came around, everyone will f**k that. I could sit up and watch Desire Island to see some booby. We all forgot about Emmanuel as soon as Youporn came around. That's my point. There used to be there's Emmanuel. There's Emmanuel returns. Emmanuel, like, lost face to trial of Emmanuel. She went out all over the world. Yeah. Whatever Billy Jack movies there were, there were the same for Emmanuel. Oh, she just died. Sylvia Cristal or whatever her name is. Yeah. I don't know. She dead? I think that was Belzer's wife. You're saying he was married to Emmanuel. This point where people are I need I need movement in that room. I think Sylvia Cristal is her name. Emmanuel was Belzer's wife, Richard Belzer. I love love him. And except for his dog. And he travels with the dog Mhmm. Which is now Well, now it's his only companion. Oh, let's find out find out if it's her. Sylvia Kristal. Passed away. By the way How am I unaware of this person? Me who, Gerald Ford's vice president was. I'm like, what am I? f**king Wikipedia over here, dude. The f**k do I know? But I'll tell you all about Sylvia Kristal and Emmanuel. AKA Yeah. Emmanuel. And we had now find me figure out that's Belzer's wife, number 1, and then figure out how many Emmanuel. So there used to be and listen. That's a franchise that made $200,000,000,000 because there was no porn. But now we have porn. These are like they they're SkinnyMax adult films, basically. Yeah. It's like, you you know, a lot of gauze hanging around and wind blowing through curtains and women, but no penetration. And A lot of saxophone. A lot of saxophone and and not you know, lot lots of boobies, maybe a quick bath scene where they get out of the tub and they put the towel on. You get a little vagina in there, but it's not poor. Richard Belzer. Wow. That's my this is what I think I know. I want it to be true, so I'm gonna assume it is. You wanna be true that Richard Belzer's wife is dead? Oh. Oh. I will say that. Hillary? It's not what I meant. She's still there? I put her on hold. Hillary? Oh, sorry. Yeah. Hey. Yeah. So I don't I don't I don't have any time for burlesque because I know the women are beautiful, and I appreciate the aesthetic of it, but now I have porn. Mhmm. This is this is true. I think it seems like they are serving 2 different purposes. I was just wondering if you'd ever seen them. I've never been to a strip club, to be honest, but I've been to a few burlesque. Shicking me. Oh, she'd been to a few burlesque shows. Yeah. I mean, it's it's kind of its own art form, and I sort of look at it like you know the guys that are trapped in the fifties? They have the dice, and they they look like the 4 stray cat, and they're driving they're driving There's a lot of them in Orange County. There's a lot of lot of them talking about, I got a Merc, a lot of Mercury. I got a Merc. I got a 55 Merc. I got more dice hanging. Were dice ever that big in the fifties, or we just decided that it's got gear gear shift. We got fuzzy dice. 3 on the tree, but it's a dice. There's a die on the end of it. And then I got just got some new dice with flames coming off them tattooed, and then poor old lady's forced to dress the same way. She's gotta wear the saddles shoes and everything. And there's a party that's like, what's going on? And there's a part of you that's like, I'm kinda secretly jealous that they're into something that I'm just not into at all. Like, the burlesque culture, chicks are into it, dudes are into it. It, then you have a stylistic choice for every facet of your life from your hair to your apartment to your clothing. Oh, I got oh, Lady Chatterley. Better. Lady Chatterley. Who? Lady Chatterley 2. Lady the trial of Lady Chatterley. Oh, that's another one of those? Emmanuel types? Oh, don't play stupid with me, dude. Lady Chatterley's lovers. Wow. These movies must have been the inspiration for the novel. Yes. Lady Chatterley was the soft porn maybe a little before Emmanuel. But the point is is that's what we had. We didn't have porn. There there must be who he married. Belzer. He bear yeah. Belzer married lady Chatterley, not Emmanuelle. Sorry. Young lady Chatterley from 77. Oh, there's gotta be 22 lady Chatterleys, but there's gotta be more Emmanuelle. Eventually, Emmanuelle got to outer space, and then she fought Lady Chatterley. Oh my god. Uh-huh. Chatterley versus Emmanuel. Big explosion as two titties came together in the center of the ring. It's like alien versus predator. No. Not really. Oh, nothing like that. Not really. Oh, well, I'm wrong then. Yeah. They tell me in the in the groundlings to not do that, but this really This is egregious. First Emmanuel was 74. So Lady Chatterley is a full 3 years after, Emmanuel. At the beginning, did you think that you might have use for both this and porn, or was it an instant, like, f**k this Gauzy s**t? I I think it was like it'd be like you getting an iPhone and going, I think I'll hang on to that Motorola that flips open for another couple of years. Like, no. I don't think so. Yeah. Now, yeah, there was 22 Emmanuel made for TV films. There were, 7 Emmanuel in space? 7. Wow. Wow. So she could do all of these and not literally be f**ked out. Now I'm I'm sure she was they did with Emmanuel what they did with, like, the band, the coasters. We're, like, you're sitting there you're sitting in Laughlin watching the Coasters. Like, there's a 26 year old guy in the Coasters. They were singing Charlie Brown in 19 5th that's from 1956. You know? Like, they just keep shuffling the Emmanuel's in it. They're quietly replaced. And by the way Parts like Menudo. Nobody's like, I want those old saggy tits. This is bulls**t with this new 19 year old. Like, we'll we'll take them in. There are 7 Emmanuel's made for TV in France. Black Emanuele. That's my favorite one. In Italy. D'Emanuele. That was, films that was in Italy. Jesus. How have I been unaware of this? Betcha Marvin Hagler was in there. What do you think it went there? Emmanuel Emmanuel series in France are 7 more, and then there's other 19. I mean, I'm doing a tally here of at least 65 Emmanuel's, at least. Didn't didn't Italians have black, Smurfs? Like, was there a thing with, like, black versions of American things? Interesting. Find out find out that out. Alright. I need I need to know how many lady chatterlies there were. But, anyway, soon as we discovered porn, like, since there was real porn, like, I don't got time for lady chatterly or her lover. And I don't give a f**k of Emmanuel. If it's Emmanuel in Adam's a*****e, I'd still go, nah. Not tuning in. French or the Black Smurfs. Oh. I mean, how would you even personally watch that? It's a good point. And I'd be like, I I all I do is be going, I don't remember that. Oh my god. I don't remember that. I do not remember that. It's definitely gonna be a lawsuit. Go daddy, baby. Go, Emmanuel. Go, lady Chatterley. Go, daddy. They got a deal, baby. 295. Just 295, you get a domain name. One lady chattery 1. Like, if you if Lady Chatterley's used up, you can use like 1 lady chattery or ace lady chattery. That's right. You can get up to, 3 of them. 7.99 is what you pay after that. But again, you're just hoarding if you're using more than 3 domain names. Each one comes with a free one page, instant website, personalized email, and a built in photo album. Just enter the promo code Adam 295. You put that right in your cart at go GoDaddy. GoDaddy dot com. That's Adam, the number 2, the number 9, and the number 5. GoDaddy. I'll take a quick break, but I need some lady Chatterley stats. Should we take a quick break? I got news coming. Alright. I will tell you. I I'm pretty sure lady Chatterley was dwarfed by, Emmanuel, but, I'm still thinking the over under might be in the mid teens on the Lady Chatterley. Emmanuel's gone on farther because I'm familiar with that from many days with cable, but I have no idea what Lady Chatterley is. Well, maybe maybe they just made a couple. We'll take a quick break. We'll tell you all about that. We'll do the news next. Well, now the part I missed most about doing this show, I've had 4,000 little buckslips with things that bother me written all all over them. That's what I did. That's how I spent my holidays, just writing out s**t that bothers me. Oh, and and let me just tell you, I went to Disneyland today with the kids, and I have I could do an hour on it. Do you bring buckslips to Disneyland? Because that would be smart. Yes. The the the thing that's folded, I I literally yes. You really did. Oh, yeah. Smart. I mean, you could do it in your phone, but No. No. I bring I bring I bring I Oh, there it is. There it is. Son's a pussy. Ran into Brian Posehn. Also a pussy. Had this weird I don't even know. First up, Disneyland is a weird place because it's it's filled with super happy young kids and then incredibly lost souls. Like, they're trying to recapture something that they can never get back. They're either now they're in those larks or those motorized little scooters or something. But you see that, like, 61 year old guy with all the buttons on his suspenders and all the stuff or the woman is like, they're always a little bit obese and kinda sloppy looking, and you're like, what's the obsession and what are you trying to capture, and how many f**king cigarettes were put out on your back as a 7 year old for you to live at this place now. You know what I mean? Like There's something so sad about it. There's a weird like, your relationship with Disneyland should be the same relationship. I've always said you should have this with your phone. When your phone rings, if you dive on it, your life is horrible. Like, who's that? Oh, f**k. Finally, some contact. Somebody. But if you stare over it while it's ringing, like, oh, man. I've I've pissed off a lot of people, and I owe the rest of them money. Like, I ain't picking that up. Then your life's f**ked up. The greatest and I I this is I you know, I forget about, forget about whatever the Dalai Lama says and, Tony Tony Robbins says. The most put together, the most self actuated or actualized you could ever be is your phone just the day your phone rings, and you just go, I'm just picking it up because it's ringing. Like, not who is that? Oh, boy. That is truly being living in the present. And that is there's not an ounce of baggage. Phone since 1985. There's no baggage. That is you literally just go on phone rings. I shall pick it up because Anyone in the room do that? Allison really is someone who will avoid the phone at all costs. Yeah. Surely. I I it's it's I will. Disneyland so you here's how self actualization. Here's how you should be with Disneyland. Your thing with Disneyland should be, yeah. Okay. Sure. For the kids? You know? Once a year? Sounds good. But if there's, like, I can't go there or there's, like, I must live there, that that's a problem. And I see the people who wanna live there when you go there, and it's like, what? I know people who went on a Disneyland honeymoon. Yeah. What there is not enough A Disney cruise. f**king pixie dust to fill the hole that is inside your soul. Now what should your relationship with the holidays be? Because I used when I was a kid, I loved the holidays, and I never wanted to become one of those adults who was dreading it and who couldn't stand the sound of the music and who just couldn't wait for it to be over and who, like, grew a number of years in 1 season of gift buying. However, this season, I did find myself kind of counting the minutes till it was over and feeling like, what the f**k happened? Well, I you know, what what what happens is is you you have that thing where it's all about the holidays when you're a kid, and then there's that part where you kind of lose track of it a little in your twenties, thirties and then there's that sort of it becomes about partying or like when I was poor the whole time, it'd be like, oh, f**k. I got a windbreaker. This is awesome. You know? Now for me, there's nothing you can get me that I won't have thought of or bought myself for the most part. And so it's not there's not a monetary side to it. There used to be a very practical monetary side to the holidays. Like, I get s**t twice a year, My Christmas and my birthday, and that's f**king it for my super cheap s**tty family. So I'm gonna get a set of forks for my dirt bike, and I'm getting them on for Christmas. And I'll go buy them myself, and I just collect all the money from everybody. It was almost romantic. Well, now I have to live it through my kids. Problem is this. My wife goes f**king berserk. They make a list and she gets them everything and they start tearing into everything and they don't even open the box. They tear the wrapping paper off. They throw it to the side. My daughter had a horrible day. Christmas was horrible. She was a mess the whole day. And I realized I said to my wife at the end, I said, don't do this. And she said, said, I'm not. I know what you're talking about. I said, you got them so much s**t that it lost all meaning, and they started to spin out a little. And they were just f**king unhappy, like, the whole day because you need that. Oh, this is my one thing. I got a train set. I'm gonna. You get a 1,000 train sets? Completely lost all meaning. I I walked into Mike, I think you might have this picture somewhere. I I got up first. I walked up the stairs. I have a opening like a cutout that looks down into the living room, and I saw these 2. First off, my daughter was in such a present opening frenzy. She opened all my s**t. She opened everyone's f**king presents. And She was like a feeding shark. Her eyes rolled back into her head. And then bit one of his friend sharks because she's in a frenzy. Finally fired. Yeah. Like, she's just in an opening frenzy, and she's just tearing into everything. And they were both moody and b***hy all day, and neither one of them really appreciated what they had. And they just wanted there's this weird bad cycle where you just want more. Like, I wanna go this is a picture. That's what was my tag? You go to adamcarolla.com. I woke up, and the the place is just a f**king sea of wrapping paper and cardboard and kids. In your living room. And the other problem is, as I say all the time, stuff is way too cheap. It's all just made in China. And everyone wants to kinda be that good uncle or that good agent or that good person. So and, also, if it it sets you back $14 or $11, good. I'll give them a big old f**king box. It has a whole bunch of cool plastic s**t in it. It's Hot Wheels and this and that. Send over. My kids are f**king drowning in plastic s**t from China. It it means nothing to them, by the way. It's it's a 0. It's it's a 0. I've said it a 1000000 times. Even me well, a, they didn't earn it. So it just means it's 0. Every car with every new car I get, all the other cars are worth a little bit less in my mind in my heart. It's just the way the Does that happen with kids? It has to. It has to. As soon as I saw that second one come out, I was like, blooms off the rose for the first one. You know? But no. It I that that was the first thought I have. I I you know, there's that one guy. I say it all the time. He's got a f**king Mustang notchback from 1966. It's worth $7,000, but he's had it. You know, he'll do that. This is my I wanted one of these when I was in high school, and then I bought this one 20 years ago, and he's every day just whacks in that thing in the drive. She's my baby. You know? I go on every, you know, weekends down to Bob's big boy with my bay you know? He he loves that one car way more than I'll ever love my 20 cars. And, yes, if you have 10 kids, there's no f**king possible way you can love them all equally. Just in kid acquiring mode. Yes. You're in acquiring mode and not appreciation mode. They're in opening mode, not appreciation mode. Much like rings of the phone, is there a sweet spot for cars or kids or you know what I'm saying? Is there some sort of, like, one, you put too much attention on, but then, you know, 20, you put put enough? You know, to me, boy and a girl, good, done. And, you know, weird mistake you have with the nanny 8 years on. If you would have Done with the family. Should've pulled out. If you would had 2 boys or 2 girls, would you have kept going? If I oh oh, no. No. No. I wanted to stop at 0. You didn't wanna start? For me to name my next blow. Yeah. Alright. But so they were miserable because they got way too many f**king toys, and they started spinning. Mhmm. It's like when you give people everything they want and they don't have to earn it, it has no value. It has no meaning. But there's also there's no gravity anymore. What is interesting that even at 6, material items aren't filling an emptiness inside. No. And the more material items you throw on top of that, the more I think Yes. Projecting. But We talk about all the time, the car that you worked all summer for and busted your a*s and then bought a used version of and now you're working on it yourself, blah blah blah means so much more to the one just rich daddy gets you. It's insane. It's insane. And I don't know why we don't know that about human beings. Plus, the person you give the car to or you give the tons of toys to, you're stripping away their self esteem. And and, ironically, they're resenting you at some point. So anyone again, whenever we talk about, hey, man. Why don't you pay a little more to give a little more to these people? I'm like, I'm not doing it to keep more money in my pocket, although I'm not gonna argue with that. Giving people s**t f**ks them up. It f**ks them up. Giving kids presents f**ks them up. Giving kids giving adults welfare f**ks them up. I'm not saying bailing them out of a tough situation, factory closed, divorced, whatever. Like, they gotta you know, temporarily, whatever. But when the months turn into years, you erode that person to the point where they're not employable and there's nothing wrong with them. The only thing that's wrong with them is that f**king pile of pumpkin flavored mush that used to taste like brain between their ears. Alright. Should we do some news? Yes. The news with Alison Rosen. She'll read some news from her. I've had some time as good, sometimes as bad. Alison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip and Cut your time. Well, I'm sure the fiscal cliff has been on both of your minds. But, thankfully, the crisis has been averted, kind of. 3 hours before the midnight deadline on January 1st, the senate agreed to a deal to avert the crisis. The senate version passed 2 hours after the deadline. The house of representatives approved the deal 21 hours later. New Year's Eve, I was watching Anderson and Kathy, and then boom, a whole bunch of stuff, a whole bunch of C SPAN like stuff. So, basically, you know okay. Obama said that this deal protects 98% of Americans and 97% of small business owners from a middle class tax hike while this is quote. While neither Democrats nor Republicans got everything they wanted, this agreement is the right thing to do for our country. Most people are pretty unhappy with it because the taxes are going to go up, you know, not as much as they may have. But about 77% of for 77% of Americans, the their taxes will go up. I you know, look. You know, everyone thinks I'm a douche. I am perfectly fine with the notion of going, here's some money. Now we have some great schools and some great roads and some public transportation, and, we're living in a crime free, graffiti free zone, and everything's awesome. I don't think there's ever an amount you can give the government that they won't spend. I'm that way. I mean, I I tend to spend about what I make every year, and a lot of my friends are that way. And I have friends go from $75 a year to $1,000,000 a year, but still at the end of the year, they're basically at the same amount in the bank. I feel like the government will spend everything you know, taxes started it, I don't know what, next to nothing, and then they've been ratcheting up over the years. And I just think they will spend and and not do a great job spending whatever they're given. So the answer of they need more money so they can right this ship is never going It's fundamentally flawed. I don't think there's amount that you can give a school system that's ever gonna fundamentally I know you're gonna get a lot more administrators and more union people and more this and more that. But if your test scores are low, you need to focus on why your test scores are low. More money. Not gonna right that ship. And as far as the government goes, bring it down. Scale it. They need to do it like they do, when they do a rock song where he goes, alright. Now and he's like he's jamming. He's going, alright. Now now take it down. Now take it down. And the the drummer just said thing little thing on the high end. Not just the millionaires. Not just the millionaires. Let's take down lighters over your head. Gold lighters over your head. I just don't think that there's anything that that we can give the government that will ever, a, get rid of the deficit, and, b, slow down their spending. More money just means more hires, bigger, and I don't think it means better. So I'm fundamentally against the whole tax thing just because I think it's anti American. I I really do think that this country it it's it's really European thought. It's really we started this country by saying f**k you to this taxation. And I understand. Yeah. You gotta kick in for roads and you gotta kick in for the military, but this endless debate on, you know, enough, enough, enough. To me, it's about the spending. Let's figure out where it's going and let's start f**king trimming the fat. And I can tell you right now, the people that are paying in right now, especially the huge f**king gobs of money, are not the problem. Like like, the focus is how do we get these people who aren't the problem to kick in more? That's the wrong focus. And whatever the problem is I mean, like, if you go look. I got a I got a basketball team. I got Kobe Bryant scoring 30 points. I got this white guy off the bench from the Ukraine. He's putting in 3 points. How can I get Kobe to get to 40 points? Like, well, Kobe's already doing 30 a game. I don't think Kobe's part of the problem. Yeah. But he's so good, and he's so capable. Okay. But if we can get the guy from the Ukraine to get up to 12 points, okay Sasha Vukovic start taking more shots. Right. If Vukovic could start taking more shots and then everybody could do it, well, then it's gonna float all our boats, isn't it? This whole notion and then you say to Sasha, look. You wanna put in some time after practicing? No. No. Let Kobe if he could get to 40, he's such a gifted athlete. You'll probably say nyet. Nyet. Let Kobe do the heavy lifting. Well, house speaker John Boehner evidently told senate majority leader Harry Reid to go f**k himself, which I think is amusing. Evidently, Boehner pointed at Reid and said, go f**k yourself. Wow. And then Reid said, what are you talking about? And then Boehner again said, go f**k yourself. Wow. I think these guys are punchy. Yes. Now I can, I can tell you this? Disneyland I had a thought. That's why I had to bring my little boxlet with me. Disneyland is exquisitely crowded. It is crowded. It's they don't put a cap. They should put a cap like a bar. Mhmm. You know, they go capacity fire marshal, 250 people. They'll let in as many motherf**kers as they can let in to that place. And, thus, the wait over the Pixar Cars ride will be 3 hours. I mean, it'll be 3 hour wait. It'll be an hour and a half wait. You'll go into that place and you and your family, who, by the way, spent a 120, $125 a ticket, you will stand in line for 2 hours. Oh, Matterhorn's only 55 minutes. Maybe we go over there. But, I mean, when is the last time you stood in line for an hour and a half? I mean, this is not to get f**king Who tickets, you know, when you're 14 and camped out in front of the music plus. That was the last time. Yeah. You're Osborne. Go on. So here's the deal. Here's your choice. Here's all you got. You can you can buy a a valet. You can buy a cute chick who's walks you to the f**king front of the line. How much does that cost? It's 350 f**king bucks an hour Wow. With they don't put the f**king part in. That's me. I add the f**king k. In between the 3 and the Yeah. Five o. It's $350 an hour. It's a 6 hour minimum, so you do that. But your choice is go to Disneyland with your family and never ride the new Cars ride and never ride whatever or just hey. You wanna go to the haunted mansion? You wanna go to Pirates of the f**king line is you can't see the end of it. And if that's your idea of a vacation or family fun or whatever, I Did you do this? I'm like, look. My wife basically said, look. We didn't go anywhere this year. We didn't go to Hawaii. We didn't do anything. And we will go down there, and you'll just stand in line. That's all you'll do. Now I got a discount through, like, ABC or something, like, $275 an hour. But it's like, that's it or don't go. And, I said, fine. But I had all kinds of questions. I was like, I don't wanna just walk up to the front of the line with my person. I don't feel weird about it. And, Lynette said, oh, no. You go around the back. And I was like, They have, like, a separate door or something. I thought, oh, this is good. Well, it turns out you go in through the exit. They walk you in through the exit. And it's a it's it's a it's a scam. It's a deal. It's they oversell their amusement park to the point where if normal people wanna wait in line for 3 hours, you can't. But then who the f**k can afford this? But Like the airlines. Right. But I was just like, you know what? f**k it. I'm biting the bullet. Now you're in there couple of good moments. You know, we're, like, 2 hours in, and, like, Lynette's like, I'm hungry. And I'm like, oh, we're not We're on the clock. Yeah. We're on the clock. And she's like, I wanna I wanna eat, and the kids wanna eat. I'm gonna get in line over at the the hot dog hut over here. And I was like, you, sweetie, you take the kids up to Space Mountain. We'll wait in line. At a certain point, her and Lynette came back from the line, and she was holding a water. And I was like, did I buy that? Because you were in line for 20 minutes, which is a $100. And it's like, oh, yeah. And, like, Lynette was like, we'll go to the Blue Bayou at, like, 5:30, and she'll get us in. And I'm like, you don't get it. She's off at 6:30. We showed up at 12:30. There's a 6 hour minimum. Yeah. But can't we eat at 5:30? We're gonna be hungry, and then you have to go back and do the podcast. I'm like, not while she's standing around making money like a f**king attorney. Yeah. I mean, f**king We'll have fun. g*****n it. I I mean, the f**king dream team didn't cost as much. So I was like but, ultimately, it's the old doesn't fit, you must acquit. It's the only way you can do it if you want to go this time of year. And go on rides. And go on rides. If you and your kids just wanna go look at fat people, walk walk around in those, larks or kazoos or whatever, if you just wanna make fun of the broken people and the little people, then that's fine. But if you think you're going on the new Pixar, you know, Cars theme, whatever, you are about 3 hours. So, I mean, literally, you could get there at noon, and you could stand in line till 2:30. And then, I mean, you you do 2 rides the whole in an 8 or 9 hour period. You do 3 or 4 rides. Can anyone get this valet if they have the money? Anyone who wants to pay 350? Make this known. It is. It's it's it's it's kind of, like In N Out Burger. Oh, you're you went to Disneyland animal style? Yeah. Absolutely. And, like I said, 350. It's a funny thing because I said to Lynette, do we tip this person? Like, this girl's really sweet. And she said, yeah. Give her, you know, $25. And then I she said, $25, and then she thought about it. And then she went or, like, you know, 15, 20%, like, what a meal would be. And I was like, that's $400. She's like, oh, because now it's weird. What do you tip them based on the 2 grand? You can't do it based on the 2 grand. Never know what to tip when something is really overpriced. Not that the valet thing is overpriced. Know if they excited. I literally just said to her, do you take tips? And she said, yes. And I said, oh. And I said, that's kinda a little weird. I mean, I didn't say this to her, but I I didn't know. I said, I'm just saying Disney is, like, one of those places where you'd think they'd say no. Like, you couldn't you couldn't have policy. You couldn't give a guy $20 to get on the Matterhorn a little early or even when you got off the Matterhorn. You just gave me a $20. Tried that? Yeah. And, it'd be a huge money saver. And she said, well, we didn't used to. And I thought, I miss those days. Evidently, this has been going around since, like, 98. Like, Walt Disney used to do it himself, like, for, you know, president Reagan or whoever back in the or, you know, whoever. Spiro Agnew. Welcome to my world. Right. But and now you can buy it. So, basically, what they're saying is is, hey, Rich Whitey. You wanna go to Disneyland and you don't wanna f**king stand in a 2 hour line? Pay up. And then I realized alright. And I was the one who was paying, so I was like, you f**king kids are gonna enjoy every one of these g*****n roller coasters. I'll backhand you. And I was going nuts. But then I walked out there, and I thought to myself, well, this is a little microcosm of the world. This is costing me $2,000, and it's costing everyone else here $125. And it's basically costing me, I was there for 6 hours. So, anyways, basically, it's costing me $350 an hour, and it's costing you guys 15 or $20 an hour. And because Disney is a business, they recognize my $2,000, and that $2,000 gets me to the front of the line. If I don't wanna pay it, then I can get to the back of the line. But then I thought to myself, the only thing that doesn't work this way is this government. Like, that would be everyone going, half the people got in for free. The other half paid $40. Some people paid $6. I paid $9,000, and everyone said, get to the back of the line. And I went, hey. f**k that. I paid $9,000. I wanna get to the front of the line. And then they took a bunch of people, paid nothing, and they went, you think you're better than me? As a matter of fact, we're gonna take a vote, and we think you should be paying $10,000 to get into this amusement park. And I was like, why? I'm already paying 9, and they're going, maintenance takes a lot of maintenance. This place takes a lot of upkeep. And I'm like, okay. I can dig it, but you're getting 9 for me, and everyone in front of me in line is paying somewhere between $03. So why am I the f**king problem? Why? Because you have more money at home. And it's like, yes. I do. But I already paid $9, and I'm in the f**king same amusement park, and I'm using the same bathrooms, and I'm waiting in the same line. I mean, there is an element where you go to the front line and you go, alright. I paid 2 grand for 6 hours, but at least I know what I'm getting. This is pay 2 grand, stand in the back of the line. And by the way, shut up. No one wants to hear you complain about paying $9,000 and standing in the back of the line. That is never really going to work. That process is never going to work. Those people are paying not no one is acknowledging how much you're paying in. At the very least, you'd wanna, like, thank you or something that to make you feel special. And the everyone has put in 0. Let's take a vote and see how much that guy, that guy's gonna stop showing up. He's moving. He will stop coming to this park. I mean, basically, it's what happened to California. It will happen to the country. Like, people will it happens in England. People go, f**k it. I'm I'm moving. I can't handle it. 75% tax, whatever. Everyone who makes a nickel goes, f**k it. I'm out of here. It gets people not to go. And I and it certainly doesn't feel good as a person who paid $9 to get into Disneyland when all the money gets pooled and it all goes into maintenance on the manor horn to get the f**king finger point at me and going, why aren't you paying your fair share when I'm in the back of the f**king line? f**k everyone. Now what was my New Year's resolution? New Year. That's right. It was for everyone to get a s**t s**t s**t s**t s**t. s**t together. So Disneyland works exactly how society should work. It's exactly how everything works. Every hotel, everything, every car dealership, everything on the planet works except for our government, which is you wanna get to the front of the line? Pay $2. What if you were assigned to government issued valet who was just a cute blonde chick to get you into the front of the line at the DMV, get your tickets. Yeah. But then you'd have to tip her. And I'd yeah. I'd I'd call her up, and I'd be like, Dakota, listen. That would be her name. I know the trash in a Friday is normally trash day, but I got all this Christmas stuff, like, in there. And I was kinda hungover, and I didn't bring the cans out on Friday. So anything can get on the blower there and get the guys to come by, like, on Sunday or something like that? Thanks, sweetie. Love you. Love you. Love you. That would be so cool if you could do that. Right. And then and then I would never I wouldn't get parking tickets or any I'd be in the platinum club Mhmm. In other words. Of this country. I would be completely cool, by the way, if paying in over 300 grand just got you into the platinum club and you just didn't get chicken s**t parking tickets or anything. Like, even get your own fighter jet to f**k around with. But you didn't get, like, you didn't get the front of the DMV line and, no parking ticket. If those things were incentivized, if you could pay extra to skip the DMV line, people would do that. And that would be a way to generate revenue. And I'm sure there's a reason why this can't happen, but I don't see what it is. Or if you could pay extra on a parking ticket and that got you a couple freebies. Or the the choice again, Disney just goes, look. You wanna pay a $125? You can stay on the line. You wanna pay $2? You can go to the front of the line. That'll be your choice. And it'll be just like 1st cla*s. The difference is now we resent the person who's going to the front of the line, but that person's money is subsidizing this entire affair. Now I'm gonna resent the person going in through the exit. I've seen that happen at Disneyland, and I just assumed, oh, that person must have, like, left their watch in the ride or something. Yeah. How long I was? I will tell you that none I walked in every single one of them totally self conscious going, where's my watch? Where's that g*****n watch? That was my grandfather's watch. He put it up his a*s during World War 2. No. Vietnam. No. 1st World War 2. You can still smell him like that. Weird because you are walking to the front of the line through the exit. But, look, they're a business. They like that, and they make money. Alright. Where the hell are we? Kim Kardashian is pregnant. Huge news for people who follow Kim Kardashian and Kanye. People are calling them Kimye. Alright. Listen. This is one of those things where if we don't have one, we don't have one. You know, Bennifer was one thing, and there was, like, a j something. Brangelina worked. Brangelina worked a little bit. Now they're so f**king forced. Yeah. You know you know what I'm saying? Oh, yes. We're way we're we're we're look. If you there's a good one, then there's a good one. If there's not, just moving on. Mhmm. You know, speaking of I got enough time in my day to say Kim and Kanye. Yeah. I don't even know. Sounds like some kind of cabbage dish. Yeah. Yeah. Some sort of weird, South Korean bitter cabbage based dish. Yeah. People tell you're gonna like it, but you don't like it. Yeah. Oh, you'll love it. It smells like farts. So speaking of, At some point, they weave their mom into it. Well, if you had it the way my mom made it, what what's your answer gonna be? Oh, that dead c**t? Please. Dig her up and and get her in the kitchen. Tell her bulls**t. Yeah. It's always like, don't play that if you know if you had it the way my mom used to. Alright. Alright. Yeah. Yeah. Speaking of word things, I was thinking today, I heard someone say, well, if you believe that, then I've got some oceanfront property to sell you and Yuma. And I was thinking a while. Yeah. I I hadn't heard it in a while, but every time I hear it, it's one time too many. I don't need to ever hear that ever again, and I want to know what your opinion of that is. And because here's the thing. I feel like when people say that, they always say that with, like, a little smirk in their voice as if they think they're clever. But they're not. It's just cliche, but not clever. I want you to know, Mike Lynch. Remember we're standing backstage in, Agora at the club? And, super out of it, Mike August. You can just say Mike August. Mike August. And I told you guys that This is after his second steak. For 3 weeks. For 3 weeks, we've been talking about having the steak with Nick Santora. 3 weeks. And I walked backstage. He was taking the last bite of a huge steak dinner. And I said, Mike, cool. Rib eyes. I was like, steak steak. Emails today about it. And he's like, oh, yeah. I forgot. I said, well, who orders a steak dinner at a at a club? So basically a music club. You know? You you get the chicken fingers and at best, fries, curly fries. You know? He orders a full steak anything free, probably the most expensive thing. And he looks at me and Mike. He stands because that was a horrible steak. That was a horrible steak. And we're like, yeah. And he goes, you could still see the whip marks from where the jockey hit it. And Mike and I just stared at him, and I said, Mike, you don't think we both heard that joke a 1000 times that Rodney Dangerfield told it? I'm sure guys from the Porsche belt told it. You know? That thing has to go back to vaudeville, number 1. Number 2, who are you talking to? A couple of guys with learning disabilities like At the salesman convention. You're talking to the funny guy and then the other funny guy who you go out and do funny with and who hate stupid jokes, especially ones that have been told by other people a 1000000 times. And I I don't know. I had to have a 5 minute conversation about what the why the f**k Did you did you have this with August? Oh, yeah. Well, he had a cat, August. What did he say? But, yeah, as if neither of us could have possibly ever seen Caddyshack. It's not something that would have been required watching for either of us. Right. No. No. You you can say whatever you want to his face. So what was it? What did he say? What can you say to someone going, did you really think either one of us? What what do you think we're gonna do? Like, laugh or be amused or go, that's a good one. I'm gonna write that down and work it into my set, or did you think of that yourself, or are we both just gonna stare at you? And then along, like He he finished the last bite of a steak and then started on the cheesecake, and then he said dabbed the corners of his mouth as a napkin. Then he went to one of the best steak houses in the country and ordered sushi and, a shrimp c**ktail for dinner because because he couldn't even order me. Mike. Range. Went to Mastro's and ordered sushi and shrimp. Figured he would have done turf and turf. Yeah. Well, he did the big shrimp c**ktail and then He went to Mastro's? That's my favorite. f**king out of it. I could I I don't know how anything works. Like, I mean, honestly, I I I think we were talking about this. I can't remember what I was talking about anymore. But we're walking through Fresno, and, it's like, club called. Yeah. They're gonna try to make the bit they're gonna try to make the better man. I said, yeah. Yeah. They need ginger. s**t. Ginger? Yeah. They need ginger. Spider Man doesn't have ginger in it. You sure? Because they need ginger. I said, well, they're saying that, but it no. No. They don't need it. And she's she's like he was like, well and he did this thing. I camera. I I my head is swimming, so pardon me if I said this again. He did this thing where he goes, well, I got the drink cards in the trunk of the rental car, so we can just go ahead and look at the ingredients on those cards. I said, we Mike, we don't we don't need to do it. I was there when the drink was invented. It's rye, not maple rye. It's lemon juice. It's a simple sugar, and it's, mangria. There's no ginger in it. I've had 20 of them. I was there when they were made. There's no ginger. Well, when we get back to the car, we'll take a look at the I said I'm pretty sure I heard it. Yeah. I'm like, we don't need to look at that. He's like, why is the club guy bringing it up? Like, Mike, this is your favorite drink. You've had 50 of these f**king things. It doesn't taste like ginger. Ginger is very pungent. And no. I don't know if the guy just had a little brain fart or whatever but why are you why are we having this conversation? He's like then later on that night he's like, check the drink card. No ginger. Whew. Well, I got a whole crate of ginger up my room. What's what what goes on with people? What is up? There's people and there's Mike August. He's a good guy. We like him a lot. It's a good point, but you could say to Mike, how much did we make in the 2nd part of the Q1 in, you know, 2010? And he'd ring it up on his computer and tell you. Boom. Net or gross. He'd be like that. But yet Ginger. He might hold back your New Year's resolution. That's the new but I love him. That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, c**t. That was the news with Alison Rosen. Alright. It was Adam Kroll show 984. Coming up next, we have Adam Kroll show 1233. Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop 2014. Hope you guys enjoy. Hey. It's Adam Kroll from The Adam Kroll Show. BetOnline is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online betting from the earliest odds to in game live betting. BetOnline provides you with all the action and the ability to watch and bet on games as they happen with the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA, college basketball as well. BetOnline has NHL, MMA, and championship boxing, all your betting needs in one place. Head to BetOnline today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering. So have some fun. Make these games and these events and these combat sports a little more interesting with BetOnline. BetOnline, the game starts here. Alright. Someone's got a question for Brian about picking the drops, but you can go to Top Drop. Right? And Just, go to Twitter and, yeah, use the hashtag Top Drop if you wanna hear yours, and I'll, use the best one every day for a little shout out. Alright. Also and I'm not sure if that means how do you pull them or how do you decide on them or how do you get them, John? This question quickly. Yeah. I guess I'll keep in my tradition of being a dick on this show and ask Brian. You you use your drops a lot. Some of them, you use them more and more. Mhmm. How do you know when to retire a drop, and how come you're not like, with the Internet out there, you can get You shut your mouth. You're talking to me. I'm sorry, John, you were saying? It was really interesting something? I was wondering how how you go about picking them because I hear different ones all the time. This is amazing. I'll never hear them again. And some of them are really funny, and I just wondered what your process is because I went to Top Drop and, suggested 1, and somebody else suggested 2 and never got picked. I just kinda wonder what your process is. Oh, just literally for picking the Top Drop or picking drops that I use. Whatever. Well, to answer the what I think is his real question is if I hear something funny or something that makes me laugh out of context or I think, oh, that would make something embarrassing for somebody, that always becomes a drop or at least the drop at the end of that show. And, if it sticks, you know, like at the Ace Awards, we heard the best drops of the year. If it sticks, then it's a drop that, you know, makes its way into the regular, boom routine. I, speaking of sounds It's like your thing sorry to interrupt. It's like your thing with, you know, life is a, gin rummy hand. You know? Just to pick the best ones, and they're probably a lot from the old days in OUs, and there are a lot of new ones. So funny. Last night, had dinner. And, Do tell. Hilarious already. I had dinner with Vince Vaughn and his wife and my wife. Your place or theirs? Walked to a restaurant. And the whole time you know when you're bringing someone to a restaurant, you're talking up, like, somehow you discovered this place even though it was there and it will be there and they don't need you and all that kind of stuff, but you get to be the person that goes, oh, yeah. Try the, portobello mushroom, with the crab in it, as the appetizer. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I was talking about all day, talking about on the walk there. Got to the place. They did the, would you like appetizers? I said, oh, yes. We would. We will take. Lynette and I had been talking about it since we ate there the week before. We will take the portobello mushroom with the crab sort of cake on the thing and the tongue, and the guy was like, yeah. No. We don't. That was last week. And I said, yeah. But it was so good. And he said, yeah. I know. But now we have new ones. And by the way, the new ones were like the butternut squash soup, you know, and stuff like that that didn't sound very good. And I said, yeah. That was a good one. He's, yeah, we rotate them. And I said, less than 24 hours ago ago, you need to treat your appetizers like a gin rummy hand. When you get the good one and you get all the great feedback on it, and everyone's telling me how delicious it is Yeah. Keep that. Feel free to keep that one. And literally ordered a nut soup. I've laughed about it, but LA is the only city where they tell you what's not in it. I mean, it was literally it was a it was a it was like a a hazelnut. Soup. First off good. We want several 1000 years of making soup without knowing that you could make soup out of anything. Pretty I mean, what I'm saying is is it, like, it had to be for barley or clam Chicken stock. Chowder or something in it. Now I f**king just I talk to people. Like vegan. Yeah. What is this soup? I've I've contact lens. What? Yeah. Just one and some. Oh, it's it's a we don't use any and I like what they then they go they give you the the laundry list of what's not in it, which I don't like. But there's no cream. There's no dairy. There's no right. Because all I can go is, okay. There's no it's like the people go Free change. Muffins these muffins, we don't use any sugar. We don't use any refined anything. We don't use any flour. I mean and, like, I'm and then they end it with, you can't tell, and I'm already like, oh, believe me. I'm a f**king yeah. I'm dry heaving already. I know. It was a soup that was literally a it's creamy without having cream, and it was made from a nut. I don't I don't It sounds like you're juicing at night, but hot hot juicing. I, I did no. It was not. It tasted it tasted like it was supposed to if you made a soup that was basically based on a hazelnut, how good would it would it taste? You know what I mean? I want some f**king chunks of I I don't why is it so passe to go, it's clam chowder or it's beef barley, but it's a f**king best? You you know what I mean? Why does it have to be made from lettuce soup? You know, celery Cabbage. Soup. Like, why why are we trying to use a shoelace and some celery and see if we can make soup out of it? And, yeah, for a soup that was fashioned from something that shouldn't be soup hey. This is duvetyne soup. Like, yeah. It was pretty passable for something that should have never been soup, but we're not trapped on an island where we don't have soup ingredients. Right. It's not a reality. We have cows and crabs and potatoes and corn and all gluten. Sugar. Stuff. Those stuff that make soup yummy. So let's use those. Why why are we hobbling ourselves? Why are we putting ourselves at this soup disadvantage? So Vince Vaughn says to you, can we eat? Are you done with the soup? So I said, no. I've been talking up the mushroom with the crab thing on it, the portobello mushroom with the crab thing on it. Oh, yeah. We don't have that one. So we got right past that. Alright. But I did use the gin Yeah. Rummy hand That's how I love the drops. We try and mix in ones that are they they stick. You know what I mean? Like, you know Yes. Boom, for example. Boom. That's obviously stuck, and people like it. So, it's all part of the rotation now. And speaking of sound, just a weird audible thing. We're gonna take a quick break. When we come back, I was listening to, Andrew Luck being interviewed after the win. That's always fun. And I started thinking about my buddy, Pete Berg, the director Okay. Because he's coming out with the 1 or left behind or whatever Mark Wahlberg thing is coming out. Survivor. Yeah. All that good stuff. And he's crazy guy. Nice guy. Know him pretty well. Does some really crazy stuff and really good stuff, does some really bad stuff, but he's just a talented director. And when I was hearing Andrew Luck speak, I started hearing Pete Berg. Oh, the voice doubles? Yeah. And I thought I don't know if anyone else has really thought of this, but I thought, you know what? Gary I just told Gary, pull me some audio of Andrew Luck quarterback speaking. Pete Berg, director. Pete's done a lot of big he's acted in a lot of big movies too. He's been an actor too. We'll take a quick break. We'll let you hear it right after this. Hi. I'm Larry Miller, but in a way, aren't we all? And this week, on This Week with Larry Miller, I tell you about the greatest Christmas gift I ever got anyone. It was for Uncle Arnie. Was it a music box or was it coffee? You can find out by going to Larry Miller podcast.com. We'll see you here. Yeah. Ah, the state of the union show. Thank you guys, so much for supporting and, telling a friend and doing the Amazon click through and all that good stuff. Alright. We got news. We got, us. Oh, by the way, family. I don't even know if that's how you say it. Los Angeles, Friday. I'm gonna be doing this, thing with Ileana Douglas who, she, cohosts this sort of, reboot show, which takes movies that were sort of forgotten or passed over and then host a night where she re shows them in a movie theater. And she asked me to show the hammer, and I said, for sure. I'll be there with bells on. And that is, this Friday at 7:30, and Eliana will be there. I'll be there. I think Hensch will be there. Some other folks will be there. And if you wanna come out and say hi, I think the tickets are, like, $12, so it's pretty cheap. Give a little talk after the show and, enjoy. Let's see if you catch the movie. We have, thank you. We have Andrew Luck and, Pete Berg. I haven't listened to this. It just I just heard Luck talking and reminding me of Berg, so we'll see how good my ear was. 1st, well, listen to the first one. It's different not being a rookie. It's nice not having to sing songs in front of the team and and carry carry Robert Mathis' patch everywhere. What is the best song? I'm not gonna say who that was. Now we'll hear, Pete Burt. You know, one of the great, I think, you know, lessons to me of of this business and the the the kind of absurdity or the randomness, and people talk about luck as being an element of getting anything made or you can you can try so hard and do everything right and then I know we gotta mash it up. We gotta go back and forth a little here. What is that speech pattern where you swallow it a little bit? Different not being a rookie. It's nice not having to sing songs in front of the team and and carry carry Robert Mathis' pad. You're speaking from your booth, little bit of doctor actually ends up being a definitive moment. And for for for in the film getting made and for There's something it's the same I mean, it's the levels are different, but it's the same tone. What it but it's a technique of talking or speaking. You're speaking from, like, your the back of your tongue, top of your throat kinda thing. You know what I mean? Some people have nasal voices. Some people have little throat horses. You remember talking about the back of their throat? We I should hang out with Luckerberg so we'd have perfect tone. Like, oh, we f**king Wait. Isn't there a little bit isn't that a little bit what doctor Bruce does? Yeah. I make that sound because Bruce, Bruce came over to my house today with his kids, and it was one of these things where he'd stopped by on his way to Sacramento with his kids. Fine. I like Bruce well enough, but, yeah, I like my time alone as well. But it was one of these things where my wife said, Bruce and the kids are gonna come by at 2 o'clock. We're gonna all jump in the car and head down to Old Town Pasadena and do our thing. And I said, fine. I'm gonna watch the game and then go to work. And Bruce, sure enough, showed up at 2, but at 4:30, everyone was still spread out all over the sofa. And I said Pasadena. What happened to the pilgrimage plan, and then I had to do the uncomfortable rousting. You know what I mean? Like, what's going on with that Pasadena? Well yeah. So, doctor Spaz, did come over today. There's an actor named Joel David Moore. I don't know if if, Gary Zillow will find a clip or not, but he is an actor you would recognize for sure from Dodgeball and from Avatar. He's one of the other guys in Avatar, and he has the ex he not only looks like Andrew Luck, he speaks just like him with the tongue in his throat. Same neck beard. It's very strange. I don't know if you found a clip or not, Gary, but Hey, Gary. I'll find of all, I love I love the show. This is this is great, and and you had a lot of my a lot a lot of friends on, so I feel in good company. Love the glasses. I couldn't pull them off. No. That's, you know no. It's just you you got the right you got the right build for it. What about is that him? No. That's not him. Sorry. There that's the the the, the second shot. They'll find him. But you'll recognize that he was in Avatar. He was in dodgeball. It's a recognizable character. Now be prepared when Gary finds him. He's gonna find 1, a clip from Sherlock Holmes where he's doing a c**kney accent. Alright. I think he nailed it. He found the right clip. Alright. Was that the guy? How do you find the guy so fast? A little bit under lock skinny under lock with the neck beard and everything. Oh. There's 3 sound alikes. What's with the, neck beard? And I know we're in a day of crazy facial hair. Ask Gary. He is sporting 1. No. He's Love it. He's not. He's kinda even. You know what I mean? Yeah. This is not I'm looking at 3 bearded or semi bearded gentlemen in the next room, and none of them have that weird neck beard. Oh, okay. Yeah. I let me ask you this. Are we in a complete facial hair free for all in terms of there were periods when a guy wore a mustache and it was a certain kind of mustache and that was it, and maybe most men did. Sort of like, here's how you dress. You put a derby on. You put a vest on. You have a pocket watch. You know? It's gonna be head hair. It's gonna be a powdered wig. Right. When then they went to a beard, but if there was a beard, it was a certain kind of beard. Right. It was this beard. Decorative. And it was just a beard. It was this kind of beard or was or was this kind of mustache. And maybe even clean shaven wasn't even an option. But whatever it is, guys all got together at the meeting where we talk about black people, and we all agreed on the same facial hair at the meeting because, you know, for me, it's like, I'm busy. I gotta double down. I don't have to separate a meeting. Yeah. And we all just agreed, and that was it. Is it interspersed, or do you have your black people meeting and then your facial hair meeting in the same room? They've asked me to stop talking about the meeting. Oh. So I probably said too much already. Meetings. But the the point is we agreed on many things, and one of them was facial hair. Now they're the guys with the super pin Sharpie pinstripe, which I don't I don't I don't get, but the one that looks like the guy just took a Sharpie of hair, drew it down the guy's jawline and went over the who had that whole, like, what is like, is that a zigzag? What is on your face? And I one of the many signs that that was not the right person for me. There's the neck hair. There's the mustache. There's the young guy rocking the mustache that has, like, the wax in it, the old timey thing, you know, like, barbershop quartet kind of thing. There's the young guy with the big mountain man beard. There's the tight Don Johnson y kind of. There's the regale. Has the beard that, like, forks into 2? Yeah. There's the guy who who's got the, there's a smash mouth beard. Yeah. The fin. He had the collar on the end. That's right. He did. And then, yeah, then there's the biker one that sort of twisted up at the end and braided, but there have never been more beard slash facial hair options. I mean, we're this close to just half a mustache, just right side. It's like the facial equivalent of people marrying animals. It's it's a real free for all. Anything goes these days. Anything goes. Anything goes. It does feel like between the era of the founding fathers when there was the crazy facial hair, the twirly mustaches, and the and the sideburn to the chops, and then this and that. And now where there's that again, there was a couple 100 years of, you know, official hair, deadness, and now it's back. Speaking of facial hair Yeah. But but even if it was dead, like, all the mad men mad men era, alright, everyone was shaving. Mhmm. But if a guy did have a mustache, he got to choose between 3 mustaches, like the old barbershop where they didn't actually show you your haircut before you got number 2. Yeah. That that's that's about it. Now everyone's just going, and I I I blame razor technology. We can now create whatever we want, treating our face like the world's most r****ded canvas. You hear that, Gillette? Have you guys ever had stupid facial hair? I, I I have the black man beard. My beard grows curly and coarse, and it hurts. And and when I grow a beard, which is once every 9 years just for the f**k of it, it's so scratchy and so s**tty and so itchy that it drives me insane. I I feel like all I wanna do is take hot water and splash it on my face. You know that feeling? Yeah. So, I'm a little bit for about 6 months in college. Like, it's just a beard to beard. It was a pain in the a*s. I got rid of it. Yeah. I, I I I I it it's itchy, and it's uncomfortable for me. And then, yeah, yeah, you do have to kinda you end up putting more time into it than you do the, you know To maintain it. Shave 3 times a week. I don't know what you shave. I shave 2, 3 times. If I'm filming something, I show you every day. How much I need to shave, but I could shave every if I had an office job, every day. Let's, queue up a little news, and I will, tell you about one of our fine sponsors from 2013 now opening in 2014. Hulu Plus, baby. Oh, man. You gotta have your entertainment. How about 1,000 of hit TV shows, movies brought right to your own living room? Smartphone or tablet only 7.99 a month. Current TV shows, SNL, Jimmy Kimmel, shows like, Shark Tank. Love me some Shark Tank. Scandal, all the big ones. And, original programming as well. I have the, community, doctor who? Who? Exclusive Hulu originals like, the wrong man's and, behind the mask, and they have a doc series out there about the world of, sports mascots. So original stuff, the old time stuff, the archival stuff, the new stuff, they got it all. And they got a deal. Special offer for my listeners. You can try Hulu plus free. That's right. 2 weeks for free. Huluplus.com/adam. Try it out. 2 weeks free. Extended free trial. So hulu plus huluplus.com/adam. Huluplus.com/adam. Try it out for free. Allison Rosen, let's do our first news of 2014. The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. Allison. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip and Cook. It's all the sun. All the sun. You may have seen on the news, Adam, that it is really, really, really f**king cold out there. Mhmm. Like, historically cold. Yeah. It hasn't been as cold in decades. And the frigid it's a polar vortex, which is counterclockwise rotating pool of cold, dense air, which is sweeping through the Midwest and South and also into New England. Are we doing with weather what we're doing with facial hair? Meaning, we have the technology now to show you all these cool Doppler things and everything that's blowing in? Because I feel like it's just it's always been cold this time of year in the Midwest, and and it's some seasons are warmer than others, but there's horrible storms of, you know, 18, 91, and stuff like that. That if you're under 40, this is the first time you've ever experienced this kind of cold. Like, it's it hasn't been this cold in DC, for example, in 20 years, in Milwaukee in 18 years, in miss Missouri in 15 years. Like, it's yes. They have, in certain places, had it. It has been this cold before, but not in a really long time. Predictions are it's gonna be 25 below in Fargo. It's gonna be 31 below in International Falls, Minnesota, 15 below in Indianapolis and Chicago. And with wind chill, it's, it may be 56 to your 70 below 0. Wow. That's really cold. Yeah. I want some of that to come here just a little bit. I heard the, there was this there was an icebreaker that was, like, iced in. It was on a expedition. It was on a global warming boats? Yeah. Ships, I should say? Mhmm. Or when the ace man lays it out may I have a seat, ladies? Why? Yeah. That's my icebreaker. Yeah. It's, and it is one of those things where I don't know. Again, it's why it's it's and I've always said it's why Southern California is such a piece of s**t because we just fall back on it was 77 degrees today, and no one had to shovel their car out of anything. And everything sort of quietly reflects that. I I just I I I know it. That's how soft we're getting because we don't have to deal with the weather? No. It's why everything that's my theory about why everything in California is so bad. It's, again, it's my hot blonde theory. Oh, yes. My hot it's why hot blondes don't know a lot about, nautical disasters and and and aerodynamics and things like that. They don't Most hot blondes They don't tell really funny stories and things like that. They don't have to. What what do they have to do? Just look cute. Just really just you know what I mean? Like, most hot blondes don't have incredible personalities, and there's a reason. They just they don't you know, fat chicks have to dance, and hot blondes don't have to. That's why I'm thrown by Julie Bowen from Modern Family. What's going on there? She's funny, and she's a hot blonde. She has to be Canadian or she had to have grown up on a farm or there has to be some story Something's up. There because she is a delight. And and yes. Or we could find some picture of her in high school where she didn't look nearly as good as she looks now, or sometimes they come into their own thing, but the but the dye has been cast, so to speak, emotionally. Whatever whatever it is. But the fact that you go down and see the Rose Parade and we went down and looked at the floats and stuff before they sent them out this year, and I'll tell you that story tomorrow because it's, it's a good one. But, you know, it's 75 degrees and the sun is shining and those parade floats are going. It just means taxes can be higher, services can be lower, schools can be not. Everything can be not as good as Fargo. You gotta work it if you're Fargo. I I've I've I've known quietly this has always been our attitude. It always right. So where are you going? Look at it. Look at it outside. It's beautiful. Now pay your taxes and go to your s**tty school, and don't worry about the graffiti. Apparently, it's colder in Atlanta, Georgia than Anchorage, Alaska right now or going to be. Wow. That's cool. Atlanta's gonna have to be, renamed. Only very tangentially related because we're talking about hot gals. Mhmm. I walked out of the studio through that studio door and then back in during our break, and both times, I banged my shoulder on the wall. What is going on? I haven't gained weight, and I'm not drunk. You lost the, muscle memory. I think you're right. Just a little bit. It's it's a it's a weird thing, but it's like if you so right. Stop driving your car, the the weird you know, oh, you know, the one of the weirder things is, I mean, we have muscle memory for a reason. We have too much s**t to think about. But But usually not going through a particular doorway doesn't mean that you're gonna over or undershoot it the next time. We're definitely either dumb or gain weight, but I'm saying there's also component this other option to think about that. There's there's also component called muscle memory. And, like, when I would do the Toyota Grand Prix and we do the car training, we'd go out to Willow Springs, and we drive the race cars for Oh my god. Whole day. Sorry. Giant spider. Giant spider. I would How about that? There's a giant spiders dropping down behind me. It's a daddy log night. Grab a tissue or something, would you? My whole thing is kill them and throw them out. You know? It's, like, larger it's larger than a ping pong ball. It's Yeah. Small tennis ball. And my whole thing is is I used to just capture them and throw them outside, but then I realized, first off, they're inside for a reason. They're not confused. It's carpeting. It's, there's food around. This thing could probably eat maxalox if he had to or maxapata. Well, he may have. Where is he? Has anyone seen him? Either either way, we should start thank you. We should start Push that thing up. Killing them because beard. All we do is take them, throw them outside. They f**k. They get another spider pregnant, and then they just move back in again when they have their kids over here. Like, it's just for them. Yeah. Use our hospitals, man. Either either way You know what? And by Muscle memory. By throwing these ones back out there so they can f**k and their spider babies can come come back Mhmm. You're encouraging that that part of the spider that wants to go inside. Yes. You know? Survival of the fittest means the ones that are breeding and allowed to live are the ones that don't come inside. I'm creating new generations of indoor spiders, domesticated spiders. But I would drive around this track for 8 hours in one of these cars that had a stick shift. And then when I was done, I would get into my car, which is an automatic to drive home, and my left foot would go for the clutch and my right foot would start my right hand would start grabbing for a gear shift that did not exist. I've just done it so many times that that when I grabbed that steering wheel, my hand started moving and my foot started moving. Imagine if you were bisexual. Oh my god. Wow. That'd be tough. Somebody said I heard somebody just speaking today that said, sort of apropos of this or nothing, you should take your mouse at your computer, and you should switch hands with it. Do it with your left hand, do it with your right hand, and just make yourself ambidextrous. Like, turn on that side of your brain or whatever it is. But the door banging, I'm gonna go with muscle memory on that. We've been on break for a couple weeks. I know you've been in here a few times, but you basically have not you've you've we're not been on the bridge. My mindless walk to the bathroom. Mhmm. You may have heard over the break some reports that it turned out, although it now it turns out that wasn't true. But there was a rumor that Jenny McCarthy's son did not have autism. Did you get those tweets? Of tweets. Yes. Okay. Well, now the story is that she's furious over rumors circulating that her son doesn't have autism. This is what she said. Stories circulating online claiming that I said my son Evan may not have autism after all are blatantly inaccurate and completely ridiculous. Evan was diagnosed with autism by the autism evaluation clinic at the UCLA neuropsychiatric hospital and was confirmed by the state of California. The implication that I have changed my position that my child was not initially diagnosed with autism is both irresponsible and inaccurate. Right. She went on to say continued misrepresentations such as these only serve to open wounds of the many families who are courageously dealing with this disorder. Please know that I am taking every legal measure necessary to set this straight. So Why is it open a wound if your kid is autistic? Because someone brought up autism on the Internet. For a delicate wound. You're living with an autistic 9 year old. You don't think you're well, I forgot all about the kid who just dumped the Ovaltine on his head. I I don't, I had no idea. Oh, but then I saw this tweet, this vicious tweet. And it opened the wound. It opened the wound. Just barely scabbed over. Ugh. She's such a horrible person. First, the look. People get autism. You are putting other people in jeopardy by telling them not to be vaccinated and and doing a sort of witch doctor bulls**t where you've decided that because look. Brian got a brain tumor. What? Brian did not live too close to the power station. Brian did not sit too close to the TV set. He just masturbated too much. Obviously, God just hates Brian. I did love Coke 0. It is not you standing too close to the microwave. It's not it's it's just a percentage of people that get a certain thing. That's what we are. It works. That's how nature works. It sucks because there are a number of things that certain activities will cause this certain thing, but then it causes a hysteria where it's like, oh, there must be something for everything. Like, no. There's not something for It's a it's a narcissism when you've decided that this has caused my child or my spouse or my whatever neighbor to get this. It's a form of narcissist the ultimate narcissism because it's a form of control. Like, I cannot the the the most vulnerable we'll we'll ever feel is out of control. Like, when you go I mean, it's as old as time. Some, you know, kid gets you know, some somebody, you know, becomes ill and is dying and you go, oh, the demons have now, you know, have taken over the souls. Yes. Spirit part of our brain. Right. s**t happens. A certain amount of kids have autism. That's it. You'd like to chalk it up to your sort of pseudoscience blonde bulls**t. It's not true, and you can potentially do more harm because of of a a a greater number of kids may die of whooping cough or something because of this versus the ones that may or may not get autism from the vaccination, which is nothing to support that. But we do this all the time, and nobody ever really we hear the first report about it coming out, but no one ever really follows up. This is bulls**t, and I I'm again, I am bothered by her because I do believe well, first off, I saw the I saw her movie dirty love, I think it was, and I went, you know, this is one of those written directed by that's just a piece of s**t. It just shows how empty and devoid she is of talent. But she's also one of those, I'm a good looking blonde, but I'm gonna tell a fart joke and win everyone over. So down to earth. Mhmm. Right. It's one of us. So she gets to be funny, but she's not really funny. She's just funny for a good looking blonde. See what I'm saying? Mhmm. I think the CDC called her a menace to public health. Well, if you convince if you can convince enough people I mean, you know, what if there's just a campaign where a celebrity was trying to convince people to start smoking? People would be outraged. Right? Like, oh, hey, young people. It's really it's cool. Remember James Dean? He smokes. It's a good thing he did. He was cleaned out by Buick when he was 23. Now what if he had to white knuckle it and quit earlier that year? You know? What if somebody just went on a pro smoking campaign as a celebrity encouraging young folks to smoke? That person would be a f**king pariah because you go, you're endangering the lives of young people. Well, if you go on a anti vaccination campaign, you're endangering Yeah. The lives of young people. And, yes, you are pariah. You know what bothers me on a much smaller scale, but still, the anti pasteurization campaign, all the raw milk and all that stuff, I don't know what the worst thing you can catch from raw milk is. Maybe it's just you're gonna get diarrhea, but there's a reason that that s**t's pasteurized. Actually, because there's s**t in that s**t, and that's what's pasteurized. This whatever it's the look. If it's the fluoride in the water, the pasteurization of the milk or whatever the f**k it is, just let the people with their degrees figure it out and stop thinking that they're coming for you and your child. Just leave it the f**k alone and move on. Alright. Anyway, so her kid does have that. Mhmm. Lots of stories about what's going on in Colorado because Wednesday, January 1st, was the first day that pot was legally sold in the state. So there were huge lines and all sorts of puns. Like, they're calling it the green rush. Mhmm. There was this one mom and pop pot shop that was profiled in a story, and they hit record sales of $10,000 within the first few hours of being open. Yeah. Well, of course, it's a record. It's 1st few hours of being open. And, also, when No. Sorry. They had been a miracle a a medical excuse me, medical marijuana dispensary before that. People love weed, man. Yeah. I mean, they were waiting in in really long lines, really cold weather. I think for a lot of people, it was this chance to be part of this historic thing. Yes. They're calling it a green rush. They these shops have bud tenders, like bartenders. I, people like to be altered. I get it. This is gonna be huge cash crop for the government because they're gonna get a ton in tax revenue. And Mike August is Mike August does not smoke weed, but he's been saying California should do this for years, just saying the money we could generate. Although even though he tells me how much money California could generate through the legal sales of marijuana because we would be exporting this s**t to China in hay bales. I still know that our school system would come in 47. Why is that? There'd still be a f**king pot there'd be a pothole in every freeway, and the 4 0 5 would be backed up as far as the eye could see. Why is it that this amazing influx of cash would somehow just lead to nothing? I don't know why. Do you guys know what I'm saying? Yes. We're always doing this thing where it's like, oh, we're out of money or the schools can't afford or we can't fix the roads. Right? And then the then we have the dotcom boom or the the the tech bubble. On college. And and that all is and then all of a sudden, we're flushed with cash, but the school system still sucks and the pothole's still there. Why don't we fill the pothole with the failing student? How come it ever makes a difference? Where's our f**king monorail? Where's our f**king bullet train? Like, where is it? Like, how come nothing ever changes? How come well, look. Either someone is going, we don't have enough money for cops, firemen, and teachers. Alright. Everything's the same. We're flushed with money from Silicon Valley. Alright. Everything's the same. This is this weird thing. It's like, okay. California I don't know if all states are this, or they're like some kinda uncle that never stops complaining about being strapped or hitting it big at the track. Either way, he drives the same f**king Camry. He's married to the same b***h, and he lives in the same f**king house. And he smells the same, and he wears the same cardigan. What's the difference then? It's it's must be human nature because on a micro level with all of us, it's like imagine you're, I'm finally done paying off that credit card bill or student loan, whatever. I have so much more cash. I'll invest, and I'll have so much extra money. And then 6 months later, you have the same amount of money even though you are spending less. I know. That is true, but I would drive a nicer car and possibly live in a nicer home or put my money back into my business. You you would see something. You would look around and go, oh, Adam Carolla has built out his his podcast, built some new offices and new studio. He must be making some money with that endeavor. But everything just seems to be the same always whether we have money or we don't have money, and that's why I stop listening when they go. It's gonna rare. You know how much cash this this city or this state could have, or do you know how strap it's all same pot all the same people's lives. It seems to never get anywhere. Alright. Adam Carolla comes clean. Now available at angel.com. I think the problem with Olympic fencing is the outfits. They dress like x-ray technicians with a spaghetti colander on their head. They should be forced to wear the outfits of their country swordsmen from back in the day. Right? France would have a musketeer. Japan would have a samurai. United States, a homeless guy with a machete. He's got a load in his sweatpants. Subscribe to angel.com/adam to get exclusive access to the full dry bar comedy special, Adam Carolla comes clean. Alright. Let's do another. Kesha has checked herself into rehab for an eating disorder. In a statement provided by our spokesman Is there s a dollar sign? It is. When did this, just become the wild west of names? Like, everyone just goes, well, I'm gonna do whatever I want in my facial hair, and I'm gonna make up a fake funky f**ked up name. And I'll just and I'll use symbols and s**t. Like, forget about letters and For the a and Adam, it's really ampersand, like the asin. Yeah. It's my thing. I want my I to be a star in Addison, but it's gonna be dotted with an I. A smiley face. A star dotted with an I. Dotted with a heart. So she said that she'll be unavailable for the next 30 days while she seeks treatment for an undisclosed eating disorder. Quote, I'm a crusader for being yourself and loving yourself, but I found it hard to practice. Wow. And she wants to learn to love herself again exactly as she is. Uh-huh. Mhmm. Do you, I gotta I I I don't it's a weird thing. Here's here's here's a weird thing. We work with women and young women and girls and stuff like that. We never stop the beating that you gotta learn to love yourself kinda thing. I don't think that's ever brought up as a guy. As a male, no one ever says you have to learn to love yourself. Now we're turning everyone into colossal postseason that's probably starting now, but as a male, you know, like, people would start laughing if I said I have to learn to love myself or I did love myself, but I fell out of love myself And then I found out I was f**king myself with another guy. You and yourself are trying to you're trying to patch things up with yourself. I just it it it loving yourself as a guy is not part of the equation. It's not on your list of things to do. It's it's not it's neither here nor there. Was hating yourself something you do? We we just we don't we don't we I think guys I I I guys realize that loving yourself, hating yourself, or the way you feel about yourself is kind of neither here nor there. So sort of go to f**k to work, get your s**t done, you know, don't get fat, whatever. Don't become an alcoholic, don't beat strangers, what whatever it is. Raise your family. But love whether you love yourself along the process or along the ways, it's it's not it's like me thinking about what kind of socks I should pick out for Molly. Like, she doesn't wear them. She doesn't need them. She's fine. It's a waste of f**king time. There are insane people do put socks on their dogs Right. But I ain't one of them. But they walk funny. Like, they walk off. Did did you Brian, loving yourself I put socks on my dog. What? Learning to love yourself and loving yourself is No. There were there I was raised I think most you're an exception to this rule. I think most people are raised with a have, you know, self esteem or believe in yourself. You can accomplish anything, put your mind to, that kind of thing, but loving yourself was never was never you need you need to, you know, love yourself. That was, like, a a sounds kind of a weird thing. Loving yourself is a and I agree with with what both of you are saying. Loving yourself is a replacement, I think, for hating yourself because a lot of women walk around feeling as if they hate themselves. They they don't live up to a certain standard, so they have to okay. But but besides this, do we believe that she has an eating disorder? Is she eating drugs? I don't I hate her. Yes. Because she I because she's a spokesperson for loving herself with the tip of the love yourself spear, which is probably shaped like a vibrator. Either way, stop f**king loving yourself, everybody. Just just get your s**t going. Just get busy. You know what I mean? Like, I the way you feel about yourself is really neither here or there than near here or there. You should you should worry a lot more about what other people feel about you a lot more. Like, I the people who like themselves the most, I find people hate hate most of the time. So there you go. Making up for a deficit. Yes. Yes. You're living in a in a in a galaxy of hatred of you, but you're in love with you. Your planet love with you. Well love with you. Love with you. Loving yourself is sort of shorthand for a number of things. Like, I don't sleep around anymore because I love myself. I don't put that stuff into my body anymore because I love my you know what I mean? It's it's a host of thing of behaviors you're changing under the guise of respecting yourself. Yeah. I you know, again, people you respecting yourself, people respecting you, you demanding that people respect you, you demanding that people demand that you love yourself more or whatever it is. It's just a f**king waste of time. Just people will think of you solely based on your actions 99% of the time. Once in a while, some people look smarter than other people. Some people look like they'd be better at flying airplanes and things like that. But people walk in the walls. Some people walk in the walls. Right. Either way, don't worry about trying to convince yourself to feel a certain way about yourself, and don't worry about trying to convince people around you to respect you or and or yell at them to respect you. That rarely works. Usually, it makes them look a little bit more like, a a young woman you knew who made horrible decisions in terms of the guy she dated, though, or who, you know, wanted a relationship, but instead was just hooking up with someone hoping it would turn into something. Do you think that that pattern has to do with her not having the right standards for herself? I feel like there's behaviors, and and there's definitely behaviors that need to be modified. But I don't think that they should be modified because I don't think that they should be modified because you've learned to love yourself or because you now love yourself. I think they should be modified because they're not good behaviors, whether it's eating a a quart of Haagen Dazs at midnight or chain smoking or sleeping around and getting venereal diseases. As a as a as a human being or as you know, if if this was any species on the planet, you'd probably tell them to knock it off. It's not you know, we do it with our f**king pets. Like, if you think about what we do with our pets if if my wife sees me give a piece of fat or something to my dog, she'll be like, hey. Hey. Hey. Come on. Molly's diabetic. Or if I if I, god forbid, if I threw a Raisinette down and let her gobble that up, it'd be like, woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. What what are you doing? She ate special food. She's on a special diet. It's not only because she's diabetic. It's like, we monitor what goes into our pets, the way we treat them, the way the way we take we would never treat our pets like we treat ourselves. You know, if you think about it sniff. Yeah. I mean, you wouldn't give your your your you wouldn't give your pet a big wedge of cheesecake and then have them wash it down with a couple c**ktails or something. You'd be like, that's insane. You know? So you you should treat try to treat yourself like you're a member on this planet, but it's it's not about loving you or respecting you or any of that. It's just piece of cheesecake every once in a while is okay or sleeping around with a stranger every once in a while is okay, but you make a life out of it, then it's not okay. And that's just kinda where I'm at. I had a I had a weird, it is so weird how talk about kids and nature and nurture and all this kind of stuff and how insane these things are. My daughter is loud, banshee, screamer, puncher, nuts. Like I said, my son gives me a kiss on the lips. My daughter head butts me. My daughter, if she's she's the kind of person who if she's running at you to give you a hug, she doesn't slow down when she launches herself. She's like Troy Polamalu coming at you with that hat. Just boom. Like, she f**king launches herself at you and everything is nuts. And she has and I I say all the time for the ball. Yeah. My my wife's mom passed away. Her name is Helen, and she was nuts. Like, 4th degree black belt, louder than s**t and nuts. My grandmother was named Helen. Not nuts, but louder than s**t. I mean, just loud. And my daughter is very loud, and I said, I was sitting. I took my kids out yesterday. We're eating we're eating, lunch, and my daughter said, how do you and mommy meet? And I said, well, we were at a I went to a thing with, uncle Jimmy, and, it was a it was an event. And She's my terrified. Called amateur night. And we're the, Jimmy the sports guy, like Monday night sports thing, and Lynette was working for some syndicator. I just shot Loveline, the TV pilot. I never saw it. She went there, and she had it. We struck for conversation. But I said, your mommy is very pretty, and she's very nice. And so daddy asked her out on a date, and my daughter was good was was a 2 good moments. One moment where my daughter said, wait a minute. Were were we here yet? And my son went, no, stupid. Like, come on. Yeah. And when it's a weird thing, when you're 7, you can't imagine not existing. You know? You're not doing the math. All of us is here before me? Right. So, it was a weird thing, but, my daughter looked at me and said, was her hair up or was her hair down? And I said, well, her hair was down, and she said, I knew it. And then later on, I got home, and I said, you know, Lynette, I was talking to Natalia about meeting how we met, and first thing I remember, she wondered if your hair was up or your hair was down, and she said, g*****n it. My crazy mom would, like, scream at me. You know? Look. If you're going out, put your hair down. If you wanna look nice, you're gonna take a picture, put your hair down. And Natalia sits in the back seat of the car, and if mommy has her hair up in a ponytail, starts scraping at the back of her head to pull her hair out of the ponytail and get her hair down. And it's like, where the f**k's that come from? The longer I live, I'm getting much further away from nurture and much more into nature, and there's some sort of crazy gene of women on her side of the family that insists that people have women have their hair down. And my daughter's been doing it since she was 4 years old. No one taught her that. It's not like she was traumatized by a bun. There was a legal secretary, prince Leah Never again. Traumatized her with the hair up in those double buns or something. It's that's that's that's crazy Helen being channeled through young Natalia, louder than s**t. My son's super quiet. My dad's super quiet. My my mom is super quiet because her mom was louder than s**t. She was attracted to somebody, meaning my dad who didn't like to form sentences and things like that. So it's all very interesting, but first thing out of her mouth, hair down? Yes. Hair down. Knew it. So, interesting, interesting world we're living in. Alright. Let's bring it home, baby girl. The news. I'm Alison Rosen. Zip it, c**t. I don't sleep around anymore because I love myself. That was the news with Alison Rosen. Alright. There's Adam Carolla show 1233. Coming next, we have Adam Carolla show 1482. This one's featuring Patton Oswald, Gina Grad, and Brian Bishop. This is the first episode of Gina Grad taking over as news crew in 2015. It's the first episode returning. We've played it before in the past in full. Some people don't really like listening to the whole episode or have a negative reaction, so I wanted to find some nice fun clips from the episode to play and hope you guys enjoy. Alright. New Year's resolution. Vow to eat healthier, but what about your beloved pets and their nutrition? Yeah. You're doing better, but they're getting a bunch of dried up old kibble. Doctor Dennis Black created Rough Greens and Meow Greens to bring their dead food back to life with live vitamins and minerals, probiotics, enzymes, omega oils, antioxidants, and more. See, pet food is dead food. And eat dead food, soon enough, you're gonna join it. You need to bring it to life. All, by the way, in a tasty formula your dog or cat will love. It'll improve their coat, digestion, energy, and mean less vet bills. I've been doing this with Phil. Holding the sack right now. VidaSmart. You don't have to buy food and keep it in the refrigerator. You just sprinkle this on top of the food you're currently serving your dog or your cat. Get a jump start trial bag. It's normally $20. It's free with the promo code Adam. You just cover shipping. It's a free jump start trial bag. That's it. Just go to ruffgreens.com. Use the code Adam. Try it out for free. Your dog's going to love it, and you'll notice the difference quickly in your dog's vigor and health. Rough greens, so good. Your pet will ask for it by name. Also alright. So just some general thoughts, and I think this is gonna be, somewhat uplifting. I hope so. My kids got a bunch of s**t this year, a bunch of helicopters that started off as trucks and then break broke free of their wheels and lifted into the air and blah blah blah. They got another thing that was like a drone that you could put a camera on and blah blah blah blah blah. Gary crane shots they can't get. Yeah. Gary flew it into the ceiling of the warehouse, and then Rob flew it into the wall of the warehouse, and now it's at home, and I have no idea how to operate it. They got 3 of everything. 3 of everything. And they're all more technologically advanced than the next, but somehow it's not moving their needle. The number one gift that we got the I'm not gonna switch my time. The entire Christmas vacation, and I've been home and I've been relaxing and enjoying my family during the entire Christmas vacation. The number one gift is Jay Joe, he's assistant Jay, ex assistant Jay, Jay Miller, came to the house with his lovely girlfriend a couple days after Christmas, and he said, got a gift for the kids. And I said, what is this gift? And he said, it's, it's it's a mobile ping pong unit. And I said, how does that work? And he said, I bought it for myself during the grab bag. Actually, I bought it for a friend during the grab bag, but somehow during the grab bag, white elephant The Yankee swap? Yankee swap, secret Santa thing, he somehow finagled it back to him. The cap was $20, so was $17 or whatever it is. It's 2 ping pong paddles, 3 balls, and a mobile net. And the net is an accordion that'll pull out to 6 feet or go in as close as 2 feet, and then it has 2 sort of l shaped clamp hooks that go into the bottom of it, you can turn any table into a ping pong table. Any flat surface? Any flat surface. Right. So if you have a dining room table, ping pong table. It's all plastic. I'm sure it's from China, it was well under $20, and he brought it over and he said, yeah, let me let me get it hooked up over here on the dining room table. We had to add a leaf in left over from Thanksgiving, so it was a little extra length. He slid it in the middle. I got my daughter on one side, I was on the other, and we've gone at it ever since. That was awesome. She comes home from whatever and says, you wanna play ping pong? My son comes home, says, you wanna play? The number one thing we've played is a $13 plastic piece of s**t game that's as old as all our childhood and goes back to China 2000 years ago. Better than the unmanned drone. Better than the unmanned drone. But there's something satisfying about the the simple physical man man versus man. Yeah. One versus the other just back and forth till one wins. I I don't know that that will ever be replaced. That and then when you do this, no one's going anywhere until we Volley 10 times. And I I don't care if we're I don't care if we don't go to dinner tonight. I don't care if we never leave the house. We gotta get back and forth 10 times. 1, you know, 2. Yep. You get to 7, it goes off the table starting at 1 again. There's something so insanely visceral, pragmatic, and whatever about that simple Yeah. Just that that simple interaction that I don't think it can be replaced with a video game or a drone. Is one of the kids better at it than the other? Yes. The girl kicks the s**t out of the boy. He wants nothing to do. He he basically gets down on one knee and runs across, like, in tennis tournaments and grabs the ball, runs back again. Sure. That's all he does. He's he's a shagger. He's a shagger. But the thing that's interesting is I say to her, we're not going anywhere until we get 10. And we'll get to 6, and mama will be yelling, it's time to go to dinner. And I'll go, nope. We're not moving until you get to 10. And I've realized it's sort of how you get better at everything. Yeah. If you're your hours. If you're skipping rope and you do that crossover move, don't drop the rope until you get 5 off. Mhmm. And if you screw up at 4 Start over. Start over again, and no dropping the rope until you get 5 or 10 or 15 or whatever that number is, but keep it going. Anyway, J Joe's, little ping pong game had turned out to be The hit. And it's it's under $20. It involves 0 technology. There's no one we didn't know that had didn't have one of these things in their basement somewhere growing up. It's not one of these, you newfangled whatever with your plasma screen and your digital whatever. Now just old school, super satisfying sound. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Have to there's no cheating it. You have to kinda use the little finesse, and that's that. Does she take to a backhand more, or how does how does that work for her? She, basically just smacks down on it each time, but is but gets good enough, so we got up to, I don't know, 21 was, like, our best volley. Right. Is height an issue with her, or could she see over the tissue? She's right. Throw her on a stool. She's right there. She's right there. Just it made me think that the the simple things in life are really the most satisfying things in life. When you're 8 years old, all the technology in the world takes a back seat to you and daddy trying to get to 10 with the ping pong ball and the noise and the, oh, it went off the edge. Oh, saved it. Oh, you know, popped it up in the air. You know, just that kind of just Satisfying. Yeah. It's like a like a kid from the 20 wearing knickers and running down the street with the hoop. And the stick. Oh, and if she's not going all McEnroe, then it's fine. She's not getting mad. No. Not yet. Speaking of which, are you are you there. Are you playing at your full capacity when you play? No. I'm I Are you coming up? Whole thing is I'm attempting to keep the rally going. That's that's my entire effort. Oh, oh, O'Reilly Auto Parts. O'Reilly Auto Parts is in the business of keeping your car on the road. They offer friendly, helpful service and parts and knowledge that you're gonna need to maintain and do the repairs yourself. I've always used O'Reilly. I've used to hit the one up on Foothill when I was in La Crescenta renting a house, keeping that, Isuzu Trooper on the road. And they got thousands of parts and accessories in stock either in their store or online. So you have, well, you don't have to worry if you're in a jam. You can go online and get your stuff. You can go into a store and get your stuff. The team at O'Reilly Auto Parts can test your battery for free in or out of your car, which is nice because sometimes it's tough to get those babies out of the car. Need your windshield wipers replaced, brake light fixed or a quick service? Well, they'll help you find the right part or point you to the nearest local repair shop as well and get help there. Whether you're a car aficionado or an auto novice, you're gonna find the employees at O'Reilly Auto Parts are knowledgeable, helpful, and best of all, they're friendly. The professional parts people at O'Reilly. O'Reilly Auto Parts. One stop shop for everything, especially if you're a do it yourselfer for your car, in store, online. You can stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts and do it today, or visit us online, o'Reilly auto.com/adam. That's OReilly Auto.com/adam. Yeah. We's back. Patton Oswald here. Carnegie Hall. Hall. I know. That's exciting. It's excite the only way that I'm, you know, I'm I'm there I'm really nervous. I'm leaving right when I'm done with this show to go. I'm trying to get in as many sets as I can before I do Carnegie Hall on Friday night. Mhmm. So that it's I I don't want it to be the only show that I do this week. Right. Because if I just step out on to Carnegie Hall Yeah. And it's the first show I've done in a week and a half, that's gonna that's not gonna be a good show. I'm gonna make it so that it won't like, oh, this is another show that I'm doing. Even though it's still I'm trying to fool myself, Adam. Right. Trying to lie to myself. How important is that? I mean, you know, I'm sort of half a stand up comedian, but I hear about stand ups all time. You wanna get out, do sets, you wanna work. Right. And multiple times a night go from 1 club to the next club Right. In in in an evening. And to say, I mean, would you equate it to almost like sports? Like, you can't just sit down for 6 months and then get up and play a big game. No. It's a that's an arena. That's a that's a big show. That's a, I don't know what they call, professional sports where you go into the show, you go into the whatever. It is a I wouldn't say it's a Super Bowl. It's definitely a bowl game. Well, I'd say Carnegie Hall for most stand up comedians. It doesn't even if it physically, statistically gets bigger, it doesn't get better or more symbolic than Carnegie Hall. It does exactly. They're bigger. Your parents bragging about you, which they would never do. Well, that But if they did because that phrase, Carnegie Hall, everybody gets that. Right. That that phrase is up there with Rolls Royce. Right. You know, filet mignon. It 2 girls in a cup. It It's right up there. It's one of those shortcut slang terms for, oh god. You've just hit some plateau. Well, I'd say, yes. I mean, it is when your son is playing Carnegie Hall Yeah. It's a major, major deal. It's like saying, oh, yeah. My son, he's pitching in the World Series next Tuesday. Ab absolutely. That that's how that's the exact same thing. And so it's hard to get that out of your head because now it's one of those it's one of those gigs that you get outside of yourself and start thinking of, I'm gonna be at Carnegie Hall. Oh my god. You know, you stop being a comedian doing a show. It's you, Patton Oswalt, all of your history. You go back to being an 8 year old, and you're suddenly gonna be at Carnegie Hall. Well, so let me ask you this then. As a performer, we all know the difference between the playing the big big theaters Yeah. And then you're going to the Addison improv upstairs at the Mini Mall in Texas on a you're doing a Thursday night show. Not to put down Addison. A lot of history at the Addison, Improv. Yeah. Not a great lot of history at the Pizza Hut. Yeah. A lot of history there. So but what I'm saying is is there's a part of you that in a way might perform better on a Thursday night at the Addison improv because you're not up in your head. Oh, oh my god. Adam, the okay. One of the reasons that as a this is just as a comedian. Let's go back to the 2008 election. You know, I knew as a comedian when Obama was gonna win and, McCain was gonna lose during the that Adam whatever that Albert Smith dinner with the 2 presidential nominees go up and they kinda do a comedy routine. Right. Remember that night? Yes. If you watch it on YouTube, Obama goes up. He's fine. He's a little stiff because he still has something to lose. Right. Macango went up and annihilated. He was loose. He was f**king with everybody up on the dais. He didn't give a s**t. And as a comedian, I was, oh, he know someone has shown him the numbers Right. And he can just relax. And then later that week, he went on SNL and destroyed. He's like, I I'm done. I can Right. So I've had nights like one of the best sets I ever had, I remember this very specifically, was it was at the punch line in in San Francisco. We're all auditioning for Star Search. This is back in the early nineties, and I was told before the show, the producers don't like you. They're not gonna be filming you. You're not getting Star Search tonight. Right. And I went up and had one of them because I'm like, I'm the one guy here that has I can't screw up. Everyone else, they're all really good. You could see them. They're double, triple, quadruple thinking everything, like, how do I get this perfect? Right. So you're right. A Thursday night in Addison where the room is half filled, you'll actually see a much closer version of that comedian than if they're at Carnegie Hall because, yeah, it's historical for you. It is the version. I think there's a actual same night version of that, which is if you ever host a decent size award show Yes. You have you're gonna open with, like, a 16 minute monologue or a 14 minute monologue. Maybe it'll be 28 minutes and they'll whack it down to 9 minutes or maybe it'll be a tight 9 minutes, but either way, you're gonna open with this big chunk. Yeah. Then you got some sort of bit that you're gonna do after that, but the show's 90 minutes. Maybe it's 2 hours. There's that feeling when you're standing backstage where you've walked back and forth. You've been on stage 11 times now Were there still 20 minutes more of the show to go, but you think to yourself it's all all the heavy lifting's behind me now? I can now walk. I can have a Heineken backstage. I can walk out. I can walk out with a drink. I walk out with a drink. Like, I was done. The part that I was focusing on, the tough part is behind me now. When I hosted the Independent Spirit Awards, I talked to a couple of ex hosts. Right. Talked to Andy Samberg, talked to, Seth Rogen, and they said, all your job is 10 minutes. That's the opening. That's all you gotta focus on. And if you get that done and, also, no one will listen to you. They're all making deals. Just act like you're killing. They'll cut it to make you look good. And then once that's over, you can just kick back, drink your scotch. Have a great night. Yes. And that's all it was. It was 10 minutes of terror of Brad Pitt and Angelina kinda looking up at me like Right. This Yeah. Who let this guy who is he? Is he is this like a stagehand? Like We're not the same species, are we? Is this There's no way we come from the same planet, bro. Is this like is this like a Make A Wish bucket list thing? I don't know who this guy is. They and then once that's done, then you can just come, hey. Alright. Next guy coming up. Here we go. Yeah. They should tell you because I did, like, the Blockbuster Music Awards or something at whatever. They should tell you, look down, prepare to see Mike Tyson board. Yo. Yeah. Oh. Because you may throw your game off. Seeing Mike Tyson board. I saw Brad Pitt get up during my set to go talk to a friend at another table, and I was gonna go say hi. Right. I don't blame him. I'm I would I think he was, like, over talking to Bruce Dern or something. I'd way rather talk to Bruce Dern than listen to myself. I I'd go talk to him. And there was no heckling of any kind? No. Heckling would have meant they were paying attention to you. They weren't attuned in. They weren't, you know If you follow along. How many do we get can we get any more breadsticks on this table? Yeah. Because, there's a there's an ultimate heckling, which is did did you valet the car or should I I should have the guy I'm gonna go talk to the guy. It's kinda loud in this dining room. Yeah. You want breadsticks? I can get them when I come back. Hold on. I'm gonna talk to the guy. About it. See, that's the worst kind of heckling. If they're yelling at you, it means, oh, well They're engaged. They're engaged. But, yeah, if they're going we they said 5 mozzarella sticks in a basket, and there's 4, and there's like a little it looks like a third of 1. I think what happened what like and you're, oh, they care less. Charlize Theron has put on wait for a part, sweetie. She isn't just put on wait. Charlize Theron has not just put on wait. The troll's talking again. Anyway, she don't just put on wait. She does it for a role. What's what's talking. Be with Sean Pan if she just put weight on. Somebody answer the trolls three magic questions so they'll stop talking. I'd go back in the lunch fry. I had my my friend did a 1 nighter 1 night. This is out in, like, Montecito, California. He said that at the beginning of the show here's talk about a nightmare gig. At the beginning of the show, they're they they went, you're gonna open the show and then announce the end of the show. We're gonna draw there's cards on the table. They fill their names out. We're gonna draw a card, and we're gonna give away a free t shirt for this bar that the gig was in. He goes, okay, folks, and, thanks for coming out. By the way, fill out your cards. We're giving away a free t shirt. And the room exploded. People I I didn't get a card to fill. And Right. For not only hissing, the entire show, all they did was argue about that. Do we just fill out one card per person, or is it a card for a table? Can I fill out more? Because well, the lady at that table, I saw her fill out 3 cards. So that means and they never want shut up. All they and it and at one point, I think the feature I had to go up and go, it's a t shirt, people. It's literally a T shirt. The things And they never shut up. The difference between a T shirt and winning a T shirt is the difference between the aforementioned Rolls Royce and a Camry for people. All you have to do is go to a Lakers or Clippers game and watch them fire that The cannon. Cannon, and people will knock over $11 beer and crush a small child to get to the $4 worth of Hanes with the Lakers logo that they probably already have 3 of. Yeah. Exactly. Anyway, there's just something about it. Speaking of, disrespect, somebody tweeted me something. You guys tell me how you would tell me. Wait a minute. Wait. Wait. Wait. Yes. Are you saying somebody sent you something disrespectful on Twitter? Weird. Right? So you're the one. Wait. Is this what's going on, Adam? I people minute. Are you making this up? This better not be a prank. People are generally kind. Mhmm. But what they do with me is they go, I thought you should be aware of this. Oh, dear. And then they show me a picture with me in a dunce cap with my thumb up my a*s crying, and I go, I don't remember taking it. Well, I thought you should know. It's that third party trial. Like, I thought you should know about this. So I don't seek it out, but I get the I thought you should know. Somebody, went and looked on, I don't know, Hulu or one of those places, and they found The Man Show was on. And I said, alright. Because people say to me all the time, when is the Mann Show coming on whatever new technology is invented? And and I know on Hulu, or is it I I didn't know. I never check. I would never check. I don't know, but somebody said, I think it's on Hulu. And I said, okay. And, then they sent me the screenshot of it. Mhmm. And it was a picture of Jimmy Kimmel. I'll show it to you. It is on Hulu. It is Jimmy Kimmel toasting me except for I've been cropped out of the picture. Oh, wow. There's now the picture is Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla except for they cropped Adam Carolla out. It says starring Jimmy Kimmel, and then underneath it, my name is misspelled. Yes. They've never been stolen. One man show. What is that? Not the men show. I thought to myself now here's the thing that was funny. A little Stalin esque. Here's the thing that I found interesting about the whole thing. I so it's 1:30 in the afternoon. I'm still in my bathrobe Yeah. But, doesn't stop me from going for beer to take the edge off. I'm sitting at my house looking at this and I said, you know what? I gotta get a hold of Jimmy. Jimmy's gonna get a kick out of this. And then I thought, wait a minute. He's in Cancun right now with Jennifer Aniston on Christmas vacation. And then I thought, maybe they're right. Like, I think they have a point. He's with Jennifer Aniston right now. I'm with my kids in Glendale. I think I think maybe They It's hard to say it's hard to argue with their logic when I'm gonna try to get hold of Jimmy, and he's hanging with Jennifer Aniston on some white beach in a private infinity pool right now. Exactly. So maybe they have a point. But The jury's still out, but they're licking the envelope. To me, the miss spelling of the last name, I think, was was the part and he cropped the part where it's cropped out where he's toasting nobody. He's supposed to be toasting me in the next chair. Yeah. It for sure doesn't look like he's toasting the camera. He's doing a full body reach over. That is a weird thing to crop to their like, they there's a hundreds of other pictures of him they could've just put in there, but they it it was almost like we gotta let Adam know. Like, he's got a little gut punch for Adam. That's funny. Know that he's being. Although, the only way they could have made it worse is if if they had just left a sliver of your beer glass They needed a sliver of my mug. Literally or just your or something. Like, just to let you know. Oh, no. We know. Yeah. We know you're right. Yeah. We're just cutting you out. Starring Jimmy Kimmel. I'm, you know Are you on that show? You're on that show. I'm not a litigious person, but this crosses some sort of line, doesn't it? And when we created the show together, we're in it's not like I took a few episodes off. That picture had me in it. It just got cropped out, and then they misspelled my name at the bottom. I do look. I do love, Hulu, though. I the other night, I was watching Up and Smoke with, starring Tommy Chong. Sure. Yeah. It was Up and Smoke starring Tommy Chong. Without Cheech? And, well, no. It was and and, Cheech Moron. Right. And, yeah. That was, you know, all started Adam Crayola. Put this great poster, Tommy Chong, and it's like it's like he's reaching off for a joint. It's weird. I mean, maybe he's at a party or something. He's, like, in a car or something. Mhmm. But it's Up in Smoke starring Tommy Chong. It's a great look for it on Hulu. It's a great movie. Do you feel this way? Oh, and also watch Costello Meets Frankenstein. That movie is so funny. When you're done with that, check out The Blues Brother. Yeah. The Blues Brother. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The Adventures of Elwood Blues. That's a great movie. I've always said this to Jimmy. When you go to do a show and whenever you're in the dressing room, and you know this, Patton, of his show and of every other show Mhmm. You walk into the dressing room and it's a picture of Jimmy hugging Michelle Obama Yeah. Yeah. And then there's Oprah and then there's Brad Pitt and then there's Ellen Mhmm. And all all I do is sit there and go, boy, I wish I know they wish they had any one of these people tonight instead of f**king me. Then you go use the public bathroom and there's your picture of him and you hanging out over the urinal, tacked up. But it looks like he's hugging someone, but you don't know who he is. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So how would you guys feel about The Man Show starring Jimmy Kimmel if that was your show? Would you be okay? I don't know. The the thing is you set it up, though. You made it very clear that you kinda don't care where it pops up, so it's hard for me to get wound up for you. Then you Indignant on his behalf. Exactly. Like, if you if you've been going, I've been waiting for the man show to come, like but it's clear that someone else and not even Jimmy Kimmel, a fan had to track this down and go, hey, by the way, you go, oh, what? No. The the saddest part about this entire equation is some bean counter said we can make another nickel if we just have the popular one on this thing. Right. No one's heard of Adam Carolla, but Jimmy Kimmel, they've heard of. Like, somebody made a there was a calculated effort to make another dime. That's the sad part. Yeah. But that happens all the time. That happens all the time. The the, the you know, like, you go see the, go look at a a DVD or an old poster from the seventies for, like, that movie, The Devil's Reign that Yes. John Travolt has one line in, but then they quickly read in the poster with just his face. John Travolt in The Devil's Reign, and he's in it for a second, then his face melts off. No. I always movie. I always laughed it when I would in 1982, I'd be watching television and say, we now, return to Logan's Run starring Farrah Farrah Fawcett. It's like Exactly. She's not starring in this movie. It's just she's relevant now. Yeah. Just one scene. She literally lives in a family who goes to sleep. Yes. Speaking of movies, I'm interested in the book, Patton. It's, it's about your love of movies. Thank you. Nice segue. Thanks for plugging my book, Adam. Yes. Carnegie Hall. Yes. The book. No. Joking. The book, I mean, it was me being and you you know what this is like, Adam. I was for for 4 years when I lived in LA, 95 to 99, I just obsessively went and saw movies. I got obsessed with something, and I fell down a wormhole Mhmm. Of my own obsession to the point where it was affecting the rest of my life, both in negative and positive ways. I just kinda go into that in the book. Is it, and your relationship with movies, is it sort of love love or love hate, or do you watch movies and go, god, that was so good, but it could have been better if they'd done this. Or It was Is it hard just to watch a movie as a fan because of your brain? Well, my relationship with movies started off very delusional, which was if I go see movies every day, I'll eventually become a director. I'll learn to direct by watching movies every day. Right. I'll do it the way Scorsese did it, the way Tarantino did it. And then it just became this it was almost a tick. It was a nervous tick. I'll just go see movies. I'll see every movie that's out. I'll check them all off and somehow and then as I was seeing them, I started being in movies. So now I have this thing where even if I see a really terrible movie because I've been in I've been in enough movies and I've been in some bad ones, Even the worst movie, people broke their a*s on it. Mhmm. So when you're seeing a bad movie, if you've been in movies, it's hard to go, oh, this is terror you know, they they all tried. Do you know what I mean? And Even if it's deathbed. Eve hey. The people that made deathbed night, I know I've done a bit about this, but that movie, it's about a bed that that eats people. People get on the bed, and they f**k in the shed. So what happened to Farrah Fawcett? What happened? They worked hard. Somebody built the bed. They got up early. They shot scene. They were they wanted that movie to be good. Well, the thing that's I've always said about movies I mean, not big blockbuster varieties, but maybe that as well. But, certainly, comedies, it's the the exact same amount of effort to make a s**tty movie as it is to make a good movie in terms of calorie burning. Like, you can't say that about home building. You can take a look at a little s**tty house and go, alright. But the guy got it for 300 grand and it's 1800 square feet and it only took him a week to build and blah blah blah. And then you see the big McMansion, you go, alright. Well, that's a bunch of square footage and a, you know, infinity pool and blah blah blah. But movies, you see a lot of really s**tty movies that are incredibly well shot Yeah. Well executed. Like, everybody was a total pro, just a s**tty script. Well, there's a there's a saying. There's a director John Houston who made, Maltese Falcon and stuff, and he goes, sometimes when when you make a movie, when it they go, how do you make a successful movie? He goes, you just make it and the thing just happens, and it either happens or it doesn't. And sometimes you get the perfect example, there's a movie, the movie The Wild Wild West that came out. Mhmm. Where if you watch that movie, it's Will Smith who however you feel about him, the dude's a movie star. Absolutely. You just watch him on screen and go, that guy should be a movie Sure. Movies. And and he's he's as charming as he's been in any other movie as in Independence Day and and Men in Black. And they've got a they're they've got amazing special effects. They've got Kenneth Branagh. They've got all these great performers, and they're doing what they do best. And it just doesn't happen. Right. It's so weird when that happens. That can happen. You can I mean, you can get a movie like, The Color of Money? You got Martin Scorsese and Paul Newman, and it's a sequel to The Hustler. Tom Cruise. And it's this Tom Cruise and and, I think it was did Richard Price write that screenplay or did David Mam? It was amazing. Like, it everything is coming together, and it just doesn't happen. I It's so weird. I always describe that as this, as someone who makes a movie once in a while when everyone halfway into it always goes, how's it going? How's it going? What do you think? How's it going? I say, I think it's going well Mhmm. But there is such a thing as you going to the market and getting your 10 favorite ingredients, chopping them all up Yes. And putting them in a big pot Yeah. And stirring them and seasoning them. And at some point, you take the ladle and you take a little sip out of it and you go What happened? And then someone goes, that's all your favorite things. All the best ingredients. It's all the best. It's in one pot, and it's all together. And you go, I know. It's just it's not that it's not really that good. And and and and I say, until you take that first sort of hit off the ladle, there's no even though it's all the best cuts of beef and all the freshest vegetables and all of this and that, no guarantees until you take that that hit. And that's Weird. Kinda what makes it fun Oh, yeah. But also scary. It's, you know, people that that go, I like to go to Vegas and gamble. If you really like to gamble, make a movie because you just I mean, it is such a blunt that's why, Sylvester Stallone said this great quote about how can people make so many, sequels. He goes, I'll tell you why they make sequels. And he goes and and he goes, I agree. Sequels are usually pretty bad. But you have to understand, when you make a movie, it's like going into a closet to get dressed for prom with the lights off. And you just grab you don't know what you're grabbing. Right. And sometimes you walk out of the closet, you're like, oh my god. I nailed it. So then people like, well, do that again because Right. Usually, it doesn't happen. So if you make it happen once, you're like, do that again. We you know? So it's that kinda I mean, yeah, you want people to take risks and do something crazy, but Well, I know you've done a bunch of movies and But only been in them. Never made one. But Not yet. Well, you know, it's not in a weird way after all movies. Yes. It's it's not as difficult as you'd think. I I know I'm psyching myself out. You are psyching yourself out. And it's also a kind of thing where you definitely have you will get judged because there'll be a bunch of people in the theater and they'll turn the lights off and then they'll start judging for 90 minutes. But as a as a very good writer and a very good actor and as someone who's seen many movies Oh, boy. When when does Patton Oswalt make a movie? It it'll happen it's going to I feel that it's gonna happen soon. It's it's just gonna I'm gonna have to it it'd be the same thing though with, with stand up. I had to think about it a while before I made the leap. But the thing with stand up was I was just making the leap by myself. When I make a movie, I've gotta convince about 15 other people to make the leap with me. Right. That's what I gotta work on. Because I'm just I'm still very a very solitary person, and I don't wanna I don't like bothering people. Yeah. I just want you know? It doesn't interrupt people's schedules. Yeah. And you've gotta keep seducing and kinda not maybe not lying to people, but you've gotta keep everyone's enthusiasm going. Yeah. No. I, I know. Alright. This is Adam Kroll show 1482. Coming next, we have Adam Kroll show 1728. Cousin Sal, Gina Grad, Brian Bishop. This one's from 2016. Did you know you can watch all your favorite crime shows for free on Pluto TV? Totally free? Totally free. They've got CSI New York, NCIS, Criminal Minds, Blue Bloods, Tracker, FBI, SWAT, all for free. There's something suspicious going on here. Nothing suspicious. Just hunches of free crime shows. On Pluto TV, crime never pays and neither do I. Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never. Could not have done it without all of you making this business possible. Got everyone health insurance this year. It's been good. So thank you. And again, it's all because of you guys now. Oh, good day, Gina Grant. Good day to you. Happy year. Happy second year to you and bull, Brian. Happy New Year, everyone. Alright. A little bit of, good luck. Everyone said, oh, we wanna hear the big Dixon story. How much money you spent out to dinner and that whole story about Dixon dinner, if you remember. James Baby Doll Dixon. Twice a year, he comes into town. Twice a year, cousin Sal runs the bill up. That's the big joke. It's we try to outdo ourselves every year. Well, I realized cousin Sal's watching football in the warehouse next to ours, and he's here. So I thought, well, he was sober. He was there, and he was doing most of ordering. So why not? Cousin Sal from ESPN SportsCenter making the picks on, Thursday night, 10 o'clock. Although, I seem to see it earlier than that. I'm not sure why. Also, of course, Jimmy Kimmel live weeknights, 11:35. Cousin Sal. What's happening? Thanks for having me. My pleasure. I saw cousin Sal on Christmas Eve Mhmm. At, Jimmy's house. He came by our house with his, great kids on, New Year's Eve. So it's been a lot of cousins now. I think my great kids are throwing nerves at your Lamborghinis right now. I'm nervous about getting back to to the TV viewing. We'll, get you back. I just realized you're on top of this. I mean, you're orchestrating the whole thing with Dixon and the dinner. You're doing most of the ordering. Real curveball this year with the truffles. Oh, god. Yeah. That's a wild card. Black or white? The both. Oh, boy. Why not both? We got really lucky with that. That was strange. Well, it it's total serendipity because everybody can think, alright. You wanna run up the tab. So what do you do? Start with expensive bottles of wine. Sure. I think we had some $1200 bottles of wine. Sal, do you drink wine? No. Not at all. And they kept bringing it over for me to taste and, you know, so the whole process of me shaking it, whatever, you know, and, and And they're just shaking it. This is great. Good. There's this great dance because the person Should've said it back. Yeah. After opening the other puddle. The the person who's doing the waiting has run into this gold mine of insane white people with black cards. Right. It's a white guy. This is what you want. Yeah. White guy Black card. Black Amex. Best color combination on the planet. That's the Oreo. That's the Oreo you want when you're the waiter. Right? So he's he's got the black Amex. He's got the lily white table, and everyone's ordering, trying to break the card. Mhmm. Black Lungs too. You can have that. That's right. He's out smoking, which is another thing because every time Dixon gets up to go smoke Oh, that's right. We're ordering. Right. We huddle around like idiots, but but he has to smoke. So the they it gives us an opportunity to meet with the waiter Right. We'll put we'll put the pictures up on, adamkrull.com. You can barely see me. I'm behind Jimmy over there and then Simmons. I think that's Simmons in the back. The usual suspects. Jimmy was there. Bill was there. Mike August, showed up and ever you know, Mike August wasn't supposed to be there, but there was free food on the foot. And when there's free food, he finds his way. Yeah. So he, so we're ordering. And the thing the truffle thing is, you know, again, the wine, lot of, you know, you we we can go with caviar. Oh, yeah. So they had these speckled caviar speckled potato chips, which is a $100 for a dozen. And this drove Adam crazy. I'm right back to my childhood. And my mom would bring out a plate of those. Or caviar potato chips. Oh, come on. Adam went crazy because for the first well, this is a whole different part of the conversation. But for the first 90 minutes of the meal, it was all fish or weird stuff. Right? But I didn't care. I just said bring us everything. Right. But I had see, here's how this stuff works. Yeah. The most expensive stuff is the fishiest, weirdest Mhmm. Stuff out there. So they come out and you're like, what is that? It's a cow's udder. What's it fill it's filled with squid ink. Would you like a squirt? And you're like, could someone give me a flank steak? Give me a f**king piece of chicken. And it sounds like chicken's not expensive enough. So we're getting, like, live octopus thrown out onto the table. And it's like it's but the first nine courses are all what? We had we had this we had octopus. It's all nonsense. Yeah. No no meat, beef, chicken. Not Did anyone eat it, or was it just disgusting? Oh, yeah. Because going. Daniel and Jamie are manatees. Oh, okay. Oh, no. I've said it many times. Like, I've traveled the country with these guys, and their whole thing is they don't want seafood. They want a pier pile on scraped onto their plate. Like Barnacles. Mind a piece of swordfish that's been cooked over some mesquite. They want f**king mollusks. Barnacles. They want barnacles They wanna eat the wooden leg of a sea captain. Like, that's how they're not into seafood. They're into weird stuff you'd like like, if the if you ever went like Tom Hanks and got trapped on an island with these guys Oh. They'd be in f**king paradise because they literally just turn rocks over in tidal pools and go, oh my god. Right. Right. That's how they eat. Right? No. You're right. You were right about that. But I think we had different agendas. I wanted to run the bill up to infinity, and you wanted, flank steak. I wanted 1 piece of cow. So we ran eventually, a piece of steak came out. It wasn't enough for the table. Right. And then we had 15 rounds of potato chips with caviar Caviar. Right. On them. Now the truffles was we all had, like, some kind of pasta dish or something, and this poor waiter's assistant comes out with 5, you know, softball sized truffles. And that maybe that's too big. Alright. It was an orange. They have base little bigger than a baseball. Right. Truffle. Right. Exactly. And they're $15 a gram, which I don't know what a gram is when you're shaving that stuff off, but it seemed expensive. So and by the end, we're just taking the full truffles and throwing them against the wall and cracking them up in our hands Throw them against the wall. So that they're unusable and baby's screaming at their waiters, like, get the f**k out of here with these truffles. Oh my god. She probably hadn't heard before, the guy. And that is Yeah. Normally, that language and truffles don't go together. It's more of a ruffles than that language. Yeah. Right. There was just like so you long. Imagine Sal, the delight. You know, there's bottles. There's trays coming out that are, you know, a $100 a tray or whatever it is. But he gets hold of this thing the size of a Christmas ornament. That's worth $1300. Yeah. I was gonna say, $15 a gram. The gram is a few shavings. I was, like, holding the jewel that the 130 year old woman at the end of Titanic had. Like, I I didn't know what it was worth, but I knew we we were gonna put it in the top. Started grabbing the truffles and playing, like, hot potato with the truffles, and Dixer was, like, monkeying the middle. And, like, he's yelling, I'm not paying for these truffles. And the waiter's like, well, what are you gonna do? And, what What are you gonna do? What did, Not throw them against the wall? And then he'd order at a certain point, Dixon it was this weird thing I had to explain to Lynette. At a certain point, when our the 11th tray of potato chips with now here's the funny thing. Dixon has the palate of a 9 year old with Down syndrome. Oh, yeah. Like, he wants steak well cooked. Like, burnt steak. Yeah. He wants, like, a burnt steak, a baked potato with some cigarettes on it. You know? That's, like, his palate. He still gets the Rudy Tutti Fresh and Fruity. I'm not even kidding. I'm not even kidding. I'm not even kidding. That's what he He's the only like, he's the only adult male who has, $50,000,000 in a bank who goes to McDonald's and orders, like, desserts, like, parfaits and stuff. Like, there's no adult. No. You don't know anyone who orders desserts at McDonald's. Right. So that's his thing. So I don't know if they still had desserts at McDonald's. Him with the potato chips and the caviar is, like, completely he much rather than corn dog. What is this? More bulls**t? He's yelling at the waitress. So he takes one of the potato chips that's got the creme fraiche and the caviar on top of it, and he just chucks it against a brick wall. Wow. And it just pow. It's just spot welds to it. And I said that's gonna be there for a long time because nobody's looking for it. Right. I'm loosely basing this on the piece of fruit roll up that I stuck to the ceiling of my stepdad's room Right. With me and my cousin Greg when we were 9. And I checked there in my forties, and it was still there. Chris Mann's former guy. Sticking me into a Carolla wall. Yeah. So this is this potato chip, I was studying it. Yeah. There's there's physically a picture of there's a dot up there. The the ceiling is, ceiling is, like, 13 feet high. Wow. You can see all the cracks in the plaster. But I stuck a quarter sized piece of fruit roll up to the ceiling of my stepdad's room, and everyone says, your mom and your stepdad, they sleep in separate rooms. Why is that? And I always say, you think I, are you f**king nuts? Because John came in my hair once, and I said, that's it. You really you really think I wanna know that? I don't wanna even know my f**king mom's maiden name, much less why they sleep in separate rooms. Are you kidding me? Don't worry. Ray will find out. Found out they they they met in a primal scream therapy encounter group and told me that ruined my f**king holiday. Did he really? Yeah. He's always like, where's your mom and your stepdad mean? I'm like, I don't know. Don't care. Don't wanna hear. I don't no. I don't know. He found out. Speaking of primal scream, that wallpaper's pretty unnerving. It's from 1952. Okay. Cannons and soldiers. Yeah. Yeah. The house was since torn down. But either way I love the escalation of money wasting at these. It starts off what you guys ordered the back in the day, guys who don't drink ordering a special bottles of wine. Right. The towers for other other tables, ordering a grill. Right. And now just destroying things. You guys are animals. Destruction. What was the now now who wasn't David Cross you ran into? Who was No. It was, Sudhakus. Sudhakus. Yeah. Yeah. Jason? He had a great line. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you you were this one, I was not at. I was probably out of town, and you were ordering seafood towers. Right. It's at the Sunset Tower, coincidentally. But yeah. 2 years ago. Right. We ordered seafood towers, and we had 3 at our tables. Like, getting to a point where we quit we couldn't even see each other at the table. There's so many. And Sudeikis walks by. He's like, wow. Even the terrorists knew to stop at 2 towers. Gina, you've not heard that before? It's good stuff. It's tough. It's nice when comedians are comedians. When I delivered I feel like he was waiting for it. Right. So, the final bill and then everyone guesses at the end to what the the final amount is. Is it a cat and mouse game now? Like, is Dixon trying to subvert the spending, or is he just, like, throw his hands up? He's like, I can do nothing I can do. There's nothing he can do, but he gets angry when the more chips and understand we still haven't seen a piece of meat, and it's been an hour. It's been all weird barnacle food, and he can't eat it either. Right. So Don't worry. Sal got you a side of beef to go. And and he doesn't like oh, he's oh, Sal's bought, you know, sweatshirts with the logos of the restaurant. And gift Gift certificates. We bought, we ate at a restaurant that was inside a hotel once, and I got robes for everybody. That was nice. Next, he's gonna, like, invest in the restaurant. Yeah. He's gonna buy shares. Well, that's what they were looking at, like, windows we could break and stuff. Like, what could go on the tab at this point? It's no longer about the food. It's just about the oystership. It never was. I know. And and and, again, Dixon doesn't eat caviar, and he doesn't really drink wine. So this is all that much more painful for him. Yeah. And, so then we bet. Everyone puts in $20, and we decide who's, you know, who gets closest. I want I was way off this year. I went low because in the past, like, you guys really gotta think about it. You know, there's 7 guys. I think maybe Mike August shows up late. Mhmm. 8 guys. You know? And everyone goes, oh, $10,000 or something, but it's really hard to It is. Rack up. Like, I've in the past said, you know, 55100 has been $38100. Like, it's hard for a small ish group of people to get to crack the $5,000. You're not taking a 1,000 a person. That's that's insane. The thousand insane. It's hard really hard to get up there. But did you factor in the truffles this year? Well, so I sat out of it because I I was doing the ordering. So I sat out of this $20 game because you didn't know how much the wine was or the truffles or anything. So wild card. The truffle's a wild card because Dixon was yelling, I'm not paying for those g*****n truffles. And the the waiter was kinda what they do. It's it's a great it's the greatest thing in the world. It's like if if, it's like if you had an argument with anybody or money discussion with anybody and then, you know, the person said, I don't wanna pay for this or I will pay for that or whatever, and you went, that's that's fine. I'll just go into the backroom alone, decide whether you pay for it or not, then I'll come out and present it to you. Like, they always go, like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. No. No. Yeah. Yeah. No. No. And then they go to the next room, and they go, what's better for us? 90 minutes later. Yes. Truffle, bonanza is better for us than Right. And it was hard to negotiate the truffle because they're worth 12, $1500 a pop Yeah. And we had them. He had $600 worth of truffles in his hair as he was declaring I'm not paying for the American truffles. So, the bill now then the the other thing is okay. So I'll I'll I'll just tell you what the bill came to. Can we guess? Oh, yeah. Go ahead. Okay. Gina? I am going to say 52100. I'm go I'll go a 1,000. 8 people? Mhmm. Yeah. I'll go a 1,000 a person, 8,000. Can we sweeten it? What was the most expensive item on the bill? Oh. Gary's got the bill? I do. Oh, we got a picture. I'm holding it I'm holding it back. I don't have the entire bill because it is so long. It could not fit in a picture. Oh my god. But I have what I assume is 70% of it. Yeah. Can you reveal the name of the restaurant? I believe. I think so. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. Do you know what it is now? Was it Republic? Or was that Oh, great restaurant. Was it that? Alright. That looks alright. Gary, make I don't have the title of the restaurant because I'm too high up. I'm gonna go find the chip that's on the wall. I'm telling you, I'll wait for the 1 month anniversary, and that chip will still be up there. Alright. Most punch thing on the menu was a bottle of wine probably for $1800. Fresh wine. It's a f**king truffle baseball game. I'm guessing that topped are the most expensive. I'm guessing that topped out. Well, also, that's not for sale. So they probably charge them whatever it cost them. Like, they don't sell truffle balls. In the shaving. But they took the whole thing and threw it at each other. I said bottle of wine. 1800 is my guess. Brian's right on the item, but, Gina's very close second. Here's the, bill right here. $1100 bottle of wine. It's the most expensive one on what we can see. Oh my bad. People were mad at the table. Jimmy's like, I wish I knew it was $1100 bottle of wine. I would've I would have, enjoyed it more. I guess if you combine the black and the white truffles, Gene is right because that's a grand total of What is the same there with the truffles? Very top. 50 grams, 44 grams. That's That's a lot. That's insanity. Oh, you undersold the blacktop. Well, that's $17 a gram. That's so stupid. You got a bargain on that chocolate cake. $73100.9. Side of french fries, $9. That's probably Dixon. Now at that point, did they go ahead and and and take the liberty of doing the tip for you so they don't get royally screwed? No. No. That's where the second argument breaks out. A 40 minute thing. Don't be uptight. You know? Come on, Dixon. You are tall. 20 percent. People recognize you. Yeah. Oh, there's the surcharge. Healthy LA charge? I've never seen that before. Right there at the bottom. A $195. I don't know what that is. What is this? Oh, I would've gotten 6 of those if I had known. What does that mean? I imagine they siphon that money off, and it goes to, LAUSD so we can fatten the Mexican kids. That's what I'm guessing. This appears to be a surcharge to cover the health care of their workers. Okay. Well, listen. When when, when he's physically assaulting the assistant waiter It's true. It's it's a it's a nightmare. With that chip flying in the air full of caviar. Yeah. So who tipped? Did Babydoll tick? Yeah. He oh, yeah. Absolutely. Come on. No. We were waiting for that. I think we ended up at $85100 ish. 20%. Let's put it $51 tip. 87 or something, and we were we were mad he didn't hit 20%. Right. I'm not f**king tipping on $1200 wine. By the way, I've I've said a million times whether it's the, masseuse like Burke Williams or the restaurant, this thing of, like, our employees. It's it's it's it's something that I don't know why. It's my every woman I've ever been with has drank drank this Kool Aid. I never did. Like, they you go to Burke Williams. It's a $110 for a 50 minute massage, and then you gotta give them a $25 tip. And then your wife will go, that's how they make their money. And I'll go, alright. Why don't we take that model into the Home Depot? Uh-huh. Just to have people walk up and down the oh, no. We don't pay our employees. The guy's helping you with the tile. Yeah. You gotta you gotta greaseless palm oil. Take them out. They might but we don't pay them. And we don't take care of health care either. Like, wait. What else would you not like to pay? How what about the mortgage? What about the building? I mean, the thing that's crazy about this, you just pay $85100 and then you go out in the valley 6 dollars. Yeah. You're like, great. Can't count that. Can't can't count. Oh, are there any how about ingredients? Certainly, there are other expenses that involve your business. It's not just truffles. But it's only the restaurant business where they go, yeah. Tip, no. She no. We well, we pay her we pay her 71¢ an hour. Right. She she has a master's degree Right. From MIT. Anyway, we pay her 70¢ an hour. So you have to Right. Pay her, and then there's the health care. And then the guy parks the car that's not part I always love this thing where they go, yeah. No. No. We're not part they're parking the car for your restaurant. What do you mean? You don't talk. You don't talk. You couldn't strike you couldn't strike a deal. And the sign on the valet says, valet parking for whatever restaurant you're inside of. So the guy who repairs the roof on your restaurant, he's not part of your organization. Should I pay him as well when he gets up there with his hot mop? Like, you f**king take the $85100 and give them a little bit of money and then pay your workers health care. And then again, what other business works this way? I secretly suspect that everything that has to do with food because of the quiet, unspoken snot rocket in your in your in your in your, salad, in your taco salad, they get away with murder. The idea is we have your food. It's in a place. Yeah. You can't see it. Do you really wanna give a s**t? Mhmm. Because we got something you're gonna put in your face, and it's back here. The less you know. Quietly. Yeah. Quietly, we'll do what you need to do. Yeah. Mhmm. Alright. Cousin Sal, everybody. ESPN. Thursday night's making the picks. You can, tweet him at cousin Sal or sorry. At the cousin Sal. Right. And, Jimmy Kimmel live, of course, weeknights, ABC 11:30. Alright, cousin. Thanks. I'll see you over, I'll see you over there. My son was gonna bring his, hoverboard to the warehouse, and then I read all these articles about how the batteries are blowing up. I said, oh, boy. That would be spectacular. Right? I have All those cars went I have one one more idea to bounce off your cousin's house. Yeah. Speaking of the hoverboard and all the stuff. Oh, yeah. My kids, this year, they get a they get a ton of s**t. And you get the my daughter got the zipline. Mhmm. My son got the basketball hoop, the kind you put the water in at the base for the weight. You know? It's adjustable. It's full of springs. Comes in a box. You open the box. There's 75 separate packets that are clear with all this with all the nuts and bolts and everything. And I'm good at that stuff, but even being good at that stuff It's tedious. It's it's 3 hours to to assemble the thing. And the daughter the point is if you put the zipline aside, the daughter's just, when are we gonna go get that ziplines, get that zipline, get that zipline, and it's taking a cable and putting it across the yard. And Lynette gives me a, this one's supposed to be easy to put up. And it's like it's not. There's nothing easy about stringing a cable that'll support £250 from one side of the yard to the other side of the yard and then putting this this trolley on it. It there's nothing it can't be easy. A 10 minute activity. It cannot be easy, and, Lynette just goes inside and she has it. And the the the the instructions for everything have to now that there's a 144 languages just in this country, the the the things have to just accommodate one dumb language. It's like just one picture. Just everything's just a picture of something and that and I'm just sitting back there trying to read the thing. And I came up with this idea and you guys tell me. I realized almost everyone's Christmas day is who has children are, if not ruined, diminished significantly by can we put this thing together? Sometimes it's a a drone. And all you have but you have to plug it in. You have to find the batteries. I got the f**king battery thing that takes the micro Phillips head screwdriver. Like, the the one glasses? Yeah. It's like an optometrist only has this in his arsehole. It's like the miniature, and then you screw it up and be like, why not just use the the universal remote has batteries and the thing pops off. You depress the one thing, the thing pops up. But this you gotta unscrew the thing and the Sonny's like and then there's a lot of questions. Does the battery come charge? We gotta put the triple a's in the thing, but then what about the battery that goes on the drone? And there's just instructions and boxes and s**t everywhere. How about this? And it's ruined. It's ruined because you can't just sit there and go, next week, we'll do this because the kid's chomping at the bit. Natalia's a a maniac as you as you've seen, Sal, firsthand. She's insane. She's like she's like the person that invented the speedball. She's because the person who invented the speedball was like, yeah. I've been snorting heroin and snorting Coke, and it's okay. But what if we mix the heroin and the Coke together and I injected it between my toes? I'm a busy guy. Wouldn't that be better to, like, tell the time to do that, did she? Well, what I'm saying is is Didn't she She makes the first three she makes the first three trips down the zipline, no problemo. But by 4th, she has to have Sunny hanging on to it, shaking it up and down. Yeah. That's a lot of that. Going down the zipline, hence the speed ball. Yeah. She's screaming like, oh, hard or something. Go up. Higher. You know, bouncing on it. Most people, the zipline is enough. Enough. Enough. For her she lost the rush. Yeah. You lost the rush. Your own X Games going on back then. Yes. But your body Yes. Her pleasure centers will be completely burnt out by the time she gets to college. Good luck with the first boyfriend, by the way. But what's nice is can't feel anything, Steve. I'm sorry. Oh, jeez. I burnt out. My centers are burnt. The zipline serves as a clothesline too, though, now for Lynette to hang up the laundry, the daily laundry. Right? So you you'd She was coming home from the river the other day with a fresh load of laundry and was like, oh, Eureka. So and I get this thing where there's this deal where if you can build, and I can build anything, people think, oh, well, you just build stuff. And I go, yeah. I can build stuff. They go, so what do you do? Just snap your fingers and the zip line's up? It's like, no. I gotta get up and drill holes and s**t. Pull wires and stuff. Like, still a pain in the a*s. I can physically do it. But anyway, alright. I had the thought. Now there's gonna be some discussion here, but I think I think I got one. And and and I and it's gonna make sense. The Jews. The Jews use something called the Shabbos Goyim to show up on Saturday and turn the toaster on and turn the washing machine on. It's a it's a perfect it's a perfect move, which is, you know, god does not want us to work or have electricity on a Saturday, and then it's like, yeah. But how am I gonna watch college football? I'll get the blonde haired kid from next door. He'll come over. He'll put it on channel 7, and he'll make me a smoothie, but god will not see me actually touching the button of the Cuisinart, so we shall be fine. And I'm like, you're treating God like the IRS. Yeah. It's a loophole. That's awesome. But at a certain point, if you're gonna watch TV, but you're just gonna pay the blind kid to turn the TV on, to turn the TV just to f**king turn the TV on. You know? I'm beating the God on technicality. Alright. Shabbos Goyim. Alright. Fine. Jews, you've been using us. I know where this is going. Yeah. You guys are free on Christmas Am I? As far as I can tell. As far as I can tell. And I know that Jews aren't the handiest people in the world, but they're good readers Mhmm. And they're good at following the instructions. And 9 tenths of this thing is just literally reading all the instructions that I don't wanna read. They're gonna read the f**king Torah. That's right. Backwards. They they can read the upside down, instructions into some other language. You guys love money. You're not making any on this day. Oh, no. You come on down to the Carolla House Yeah. And you start making and being with the putting the things together, putting the castles together, reading the instructions, putting the Lego s**t together, putting the hover things together and all the just get again, you don't have to be a master carpenter or anything. You just handle a crescent wrench, and it's mainly about reading the instructions and building this thing. You have to explain to the Jew what a basketball hoop is. Oh, Brian. You know that thing you can never touch? That thing tango from the rafters? Well, you need time to digest the Chinese food anyway before the movie. That's right. You know that thing your black friend busted his shin up on the other night? Black friend. Alright. I call it hebus erectus. Oh, because they're erecting things. Yes. And he shows up. You know, you wake you make a time. You know? 10 AM. Mhmm. He comes on he comes to you. You work out in advance. Look. We got the kid to hover this. We got the kid the basketball thing. You go ahead and email them. Very tech savvy folks. They get it they get it a week earlier. So they start studying how it works. The tools, you need you need a crescent wrench. You need a 3 millimeter that, an Allen tool. They just show up. They got all Saturday. At 5, we all knock off and eat Chinese. Wow. Oh, like a unification kinda meal at the end. Holy s**t. You're f**king happy I would be if what some well mannered 19 year old Jewish college student who was handy just showed up my house and went, yeah, mister Crowell, I already read the, the I got your email. We got the the hoop you got. I I went online. I read I read the The tracks. Right. The directions on it. I'll just be in the back putting it together. You're like, oh, the tools over the no need no need. Brought my own Right. Brought my own at least come over at noon after temple. Is there temple on Christmas? Well, that's a Saturday. Atlanta. If it's you're in trouble. They're gonna have to bring their friend. It it it's not new. After the kiddish luncheon. Yeah. Yeah. I put the, I put the, adjustable wrench over here for Elijah. Don't touch it. Alright. If it falls on a Saturday, that can come at noon. Well, she does once every 7 years. Right. Right. Right. He was erectile. Like that. It's a fairly full proof plan. Yeah. I got a cash for young young young college students, young Jewish cops. Alright. Cousin Sala, everybody. Thanks so much. Over at the shop. See you in a minute. You guys think I'm kidding? No. It's a Why do they have a Shabbos Goyam? Why do they use us? Alright. Alright. We know you well enough. You're not kidding. I would I would pay for this service in a f**king hard time. Great. You you do not realize when you have 2 9 year olds, it's a lot of put up the zipline, put up the basketball hoop, you know, then the s**t. That part too. Imagine. Does Phil Rosenthal have kids? Maybe you could send them on over. Yeah. They're teenage. Children. Son's a teenager. Yeah. Check that out. David Wild's children. Mhmm. Oh, wow. You got a whole stable. A Bevy. Yeah. Alright. Now where were we? Oh, yeah. I got Phil. Speaking of Phil, I got a dog. Yeah. I saw that. Yeah. You got the dog that was, gonna be sent out, right, from the other shop? It's it's it's a Is that what is that what happened? Well, what happened was is, I had a puppy many years ago, a German shepherd puppy that was, when I was single, that, drove me insane Oh. For about 5 weeks and then died. Oh, god. And I Don't romanticize it. Yeah. The dog drove me so insane that when he died, I was not I mean, I was sad, but it was almost like, okay. I can I can get I can get on with my life, at least? And, and I and then I got, Molly girl, and Molly girl was 1 when Molly girl showed up. And Molly is not only good for 1 year old. She's good for a lab, but she's good for a a person. Yeah. She literally is the sweetest, nicest, easiest. And all of a sudden, you have this dog that doesn't scratch, doesn't bark at the window How loud. Doesn't s**t or piss in the house. Like, just one it's, like, completely self realized, self self autonomous dog that does nothing but eat in the morning, eat in the evening, and go outside and take s**t. And by the way Idealized dog. If she got locked in the house for 8 hours, she'd hold it until it was time to get outside and or one time, like, literally got locked in the house all day and went upstairs and, like, s**t on the tile in the bathroom. Like, this is gonna be the least intrusive place to s**t. And and I announced at that point, puppy, never again. Never again with the puppies. I want 1 year olds. I I real and I've said it and I and I mean it. People are like, oh, come on now. And I'm like, no. The the puppy was much more work than my twins. And they're like, more work than twins? I was like, yeah. Because I hired a heavyset woman of color to be the night nurse Yeah. Of the twins while I went and did a radio show. You can strap a diaper to the twins. Put a strap put a diaper on them and guess who ain't changing that diaper? They gotta pay somebody, but it wasn't me. Right. The dog? Oh, no. Well, after the proclamation of no more puppies, and, of course, Natalia, right in my face with she wants a puppy, So, no, we get we get a dog when they're a year old, and they're all they're all coached up, and, we enjoy them. They're still little. Yeah. I know. Mom a new dog. Molly was Molly was the greatest. Well, smash cut 2. Uh-oh. Well, let me tell you first. 1st, I'll put myself in a better mood. Blue Apron. This stuff is good, healthy, strong. It's better than it needs to be. That's the I think I think that's that seems to be the the common refrain with this. Better. Better. Like, you you go, oh, they didn't have to they have to make it this good. That stuff is great. And even the guy, the I'm lowfalutin. This stuff sounds highfalutin, but it works. Yeah. It all just works. The line between falutin and none. Yeah. Shrimp scampi with the fresh linguine to 3 cheese about that. 3 cheese calzones, seared cod, date vinaigrette. Everything is good. Everything's good, and what we do oftentimes is, old guy will just, like, triple down on the recipe because there's a bunch of people in my house. So this is, you know, 2 people can eat this. Well, we got 5 people. So she'll just double down on it Spread it around. And make the exact same recipe. Pull the cards out. Keep the ones you like. It's great. And, you don't have to go out, and you don't have to spend a bunch of money. It's about $10 a person and it's about 500 to 700 calories proportion. It's all great. You make it in under 40 minutes. Go to Blue Apron. Blueapron.com/adam. You can get your first two meals for free. Blueapron.comforward/adam. I'm telling you, try it. If part of your new year's rezo is to eat a little better, eat a little fresher, eat a little healthier, Blue Apron. This is the way. It's coming right to your house. Alright. Let's see. So my, what happens? I announce no more puppies. We get the 1 year olds, and then Rob who works in the other shop gets a black lab puppy, which which I love. I mean, there's nothing better with the big paws and the big floppy ears and everything. And I say, okay. Good for you, but I'm still gonna just wait until I get a 1 year old or I'm gonna find it, and then Natalia's pushing. And she she said She senses you want something, so she goes the other way. Right. And she also never she's, she she'll grind you. She'll just grind you. She'd be she she's like, an an Israeli at a Turkish bazaar. My friend. My friend. No. And I'm, like, saying to her, look. We'll get a 1 year old, lab. My friend. No. No. No. No. No. No. It's no good. It's no good. That's my friend. Zygote. We get the Zygote. We we use an instrument. We pull it from the mother. We pull it from the mother. The blastocyst. Okay. Alright. 9 months. Give me 9 months. No. My friend. My friend. All good. No. No. No. No. No. No. White lab, newborn. Still, umbilical cord. Still wrapped around there. No. No. No. That sounds dangerous. My friend. My friend. I I I can go to 1 month. I better one. I'm really set on getting, like, a semi grown puppy. I mean, I don't want an adult, but I'm saying a juvenile would be would be ideal. My friend, 10 months. I'm really looking more over the year mark. I mean, 10 months is close, but we're, you know, of 12 months plus, maybe a year and a half. No. No. No. My friend. My friend. Listen. Listen, my friend. 71 weeks, my friend. K. I'm doing the math 71. That's it's just good. 71 weeks. Oh, no. 4 weeks. No. 2 weeks. We're in the wrong we're in the right direction. Anyway, that's all she does is haggle haggle haggle, grind grind grind and then rat me out when I when I yell you know, when I yell at her with my my dad voice. You know? Well and by the way, speaking of that, at the Christmas party, she was singing like a canary. Oh my gosh. She is quite the raconteur. Yes. She A lot of great stories coming from that child. She loves it. She loves ratting me out. She's terrible. Anyway It's her thing. It's her thing. Very entertaining. So, there's this puppy, and now Rob's landlord wants the puppy out of his place. Oh, no. And the deal is so now I'm getting a snout. It's a perfect storm, of course. He's got the puppy. The landlord wants the dog out ASAP. ASAP. And then there's a steady diet from Rob of she's really sorry. He's really good. He he made had one mistake in the house. One mistake, and that's it. But that's it. Just one. One one crapped in the living room, but that's it. That's it. It's really good. I got pretty well coached up and stuff. And I'm like, you do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So now it's, like, 3, 4 weeks out of Christmas, and I'm basically saying, alright. Can you hold the dog? Can you ask your landlord, or can you do something with the dog? It's a long story. Smash cut to Christmas morning, 9 AM. Rob shows up with the dog. Nat Natalia is opening tearing every present open going, where's Phil? Where is Phil? Phil? She has she pre named the dog that she did the dog she was getting? Pre named the dog Phil. We'll put some pictures of him up at downproll.com. Where's Phil? And I'm like, well, maybe it's in that box over there. She's like, Phil. And she starts tearing open the box. Where's Phil? Where's Phil? And then she's, like, saying something like, you know, Santa wouldn't put a dog in a box. That's too mean. You know? Well, maybe send that bag over there, that gift bag over there. Just a walk back over there. Open everything. Where's Phil? Where's Phil? Well, anyway, Rob shows up. I do the thing that well, actually, just waking up and getting I was gonna say I was I do the thing my parents would have never done for me, but actually just getting out of bed every day the thing that would have been work would have been something they would have never done for their family. But, they're so I meet Rob outside. It's like an it's like a drug deal going down, but with a dog. You know? Like, here's to crane. Here's to dog. Here's to bull. Here's to kibble. Here's to whatever. Then, of course, Lynette's like, get the bow. Get the bow. And Nat Natalia Natalia is like, we're looking around. Well, what what kind of Christmas is this? Where's this Phil? Where's Phil? And there there's this hallway that just opens up into the living room. She's just sitting in the living room. And I did something that would never work if I tried a thousand more times. I put the big bow on top of Phil, throw the straps sort of over his shoulders. It's bigger than he is. He goes walking down wandering down the hall. I get him to just wander, goes into the thing. Natalia just comes running up, Natalia bursts into tears. Oh. And it's the greatest thing you've ever seen in your life and feels just licking. Licking the tears off. Gary, do you have did did, Lynette send you that one? The bow? The bow and the tears and the whatever? I don't think so. Send her send her a tweet or or a a text or something and see if you can find it. But, anyway Will do. Hey. It's maybe worth mentioning why they named it Phil. I had 2 guesses and was wrong. Oh, okay. I didn't guess. I figured it was Rosenthal. That's what I thought first, and then I saw someone tweet Philip the juggler, which kinda warm my heart. Oh, yeah. Would have been nice, my old friend who died. Mhmm. Yes. No. Phil Dunphy from Oh my god. Family. Yeah. Wait. Natalia picked that name? Yeah. You really did get her hooked on that show. Yeah. I did. Yeah. She she loves it. And, that's who that's who, she named him after. That's great. But it's, so she bur I actually started crying standing in the living room with her just she's such a tough kid, and then she just burst into tears. And the dog was just, like, jumping on her and licking her face. It was, like, licking away her tears, and it was the greatest at first sight. Greatest thing ever. And Is she got time to have an hour later? No. Somewhere between 48 and 51 minutes later And by the way, here's this thing. I have a, could this have gone any other way, approach to life? Like, I'm I'm the guy. Here's all I am. Here's here's my job, my position, my posture. This is what I do in life. I sit in the passenger seat of life as we go down the road of life, and I'm everyone else seems to be having a good time, listen to the radio, talking, enjoying themselves. And I'm the guy who goes, there's a pretty big pothole coming up. It's way off in the distance, but it's coming up. And everyone goes, They're shushing you. And I go, there's a pothole. It's way up there. But I Hey, mister negativity. See it. And they're like, shut up and turn up the radio. Don't stop believing. And I'm like, I don't like this song. It's not even a good song. We all love this song. So shut up, mister Jones. Get on board. Yeah. Speaking of pothole, why don't you shut your pie hole? Why are you bumming it? Why are you harshing our mouth? And I go, look. The the thing is is if we hit this pothole, it's gonna bend the rim. It might it might pop the tire. We're gonna be off by the side of the road, and I don't even know if we have a spare in this car of life. Yeah. And they go, relax. Have a cigarette. Turn it up. Just a small town, girl. Yeah. Woo hoo. My favorite part. Yeah. And then at a certain other point, at about a halfway point to the pothole, I go, now look. I'm not saying turn around and go home. I'm just saying let's just veer off to the left a little bit. Let's just anything but hit the pothole. And they go, we got it. Now turn up the journey. Well, that song has made some kinda crazy comeback, like like, f**k it. It'd be like if AIDS made a full blown comeback. I mean, it's not It'd be just ironically. Well, it's not as it wouldn't be it's it's actually worse. But what I'm saying is, like like, a new strain that we couldn't fight with AZT or whatever it is. It's back in a big way. I think I blame The Sopranos. I don't know why Yeah. You definitely blame the sopranos. Singing at karaoke the other night. Like, it's all over the radio. It's songs. 31 years old. It was gone. It was dormant. Like Your 9 year old knows it? Yeah. I didn't say it's karaoke. Full saturation. Yeah. It was don't stop believing was completely dormant 1999 to 2,008. Now it's it's it's oh, it's back. Yeah. Like Legos. Yeah. For a while, they're flat lining Yes. And smoke shops. And then we're all back. So, I and I'm just going to woah. Woah. Watch the pot hole. Watch the pot hole. And then it now now we we're we're coming up on it, and I I come. Hey. Coming up on this pot hole. We got you you know, we got 35 series tires on. They're like rubber bands. They're gonna hit the rim. They're gonna pop. We'll never make it to Phoenix. Just you're just fear a lot. Pothole. Pothole. Pothole. What? You're drowning it. Alright. Then then it smash cut to us by the side of the road, and someone going, do we have a jack? I don't know. Do we have a jack? Jacking. And then I and then I say, the pothole I was warning everyone about it. Everyone goes, And then everyone looks at me and goes, would you shut up and stop complaining and help us fix this car? And that's that's essentially my life. So I make I make the proclamation, no more puppies. I don't wanna clean up any s**t. And then I could double back and I say to myself and to anyone who'll listen, this new house we moved in, I think when we bought it, obviously, they were looking to sell it, but they were looking to spruce it up in a hurry. And they put this big s**tty snap together floating IKEA floor in the house. And it what it is is it's a fair to Midland, lower to Midland, cheap veneered wood floor kind of thing. You know? It it looked good in pictures, but when you walked on it, especially as a guy who's used to the real oak t and g with the sand and the stain and stuff, It's a floating floor. It's a really, like, snap it together. They put it in place. They cut around. And it's like it's a way to make your house look good for under 5 grand and do the whole house. And it's not actually wood. No. No. It's a it's like most stuff is just engineered now. It's got maybe maybe that's a thin veneer of wood at the top, the rest is just a bunch of plywood and chemicals and s**t like that. And I announced sort of laughingly, like, the whole house. They did the whole house in this s**t. The whole f**king house is done in this s**tty cheap, IKEA wooden floor, and I'm laughing because I'm like, s**t away, dog. Because it's literally, like, just like s**tting on a plastic wood floor that I don't even like. So I'm like, s**t away. And by the way, the dog seems to be trained anyway, at least according to Rob. Somewhere between 48 and 51 minutes after the dog came into the house, the dog took a massive, oh, look at that dog sleeping. Oh. The dog took a massive, massive, sloppy dump. Where? Where? On your pillow. On Natalia's white novelty shag No. Carpet Oh, yeah. That basically, 92% of it is under her bed. Oh. And there's a small 8% corner Yeah. That hangs out creeps out. That creeps out from a small bedroom, and the dog literally went and shat up the corner. Gary, I took a picture of it. I I I the thing Oh, good. The thing that's comical about it's in my phone. Max Pat. I'll get it. The thing that's comical about it is, like, Lynette's like, oh, please don't take a you know? And I was like, I have to. I have to because this is this is the dog showed up at 9. It's before 10 AM. The dog found a corner of novelty white Yeah. Shag and took a sloppy, huge s**t on it. Lynette was down there with the f**king Bissell, like, you know, trying to get peanut butter out of Santa's beard kinda thing with it. Can you bleach it? Like, I I What do you do at that point? Well, burn the house down and leave. What happened at that point? Oh, line 5. This goes along with line 5. Remind remind me because then I'll get back to my potholes scenario again. Janine? We're on line 5. That's Frank. Oh, sorry. I screwed that up. Oh, line 5. 5 is the dog question. Screwed that up. Yeah. Dog cred. Frank, 47, Beverly Hill. Oh, Beverly Hills, Florida. What's going on? Who knew? Hey. What's going on, man? Hey, Adam. Nice to talk to you. Good, man. Happy New Year. Oh, yeah. No. I I announced last night that this dog ruined my holiday. I spent the entire holiday cleaning up s**t. That's all I did. Oh, boy. Oh. Well, this is great. We're looking at the s**t. Could the carpet get any whiter or any shaggier? And that s**tty wood floor is the entire house except for that one spot. Alright. Anyway, comical. We're moving on. Sorry. Okay. Just so happens my wife and I have been, arguing for the last Gary, take the s**t picture down. I'm gonna throw up in my coffin. Yes. For the last couple days, all of a sudden, she wants a dog, and she's sending me pictures of the dog. And she's showing me, isn't this cute? Isn't this great? And I, like, I just don't really want the responsibility of a dog. And I saw on Facebook a couple days ago that you had gotten a dog. So I'm like, I'm gonna call Adam and see what he he thinks. Oh, well, I will not I'll tell you I'll tell you I'll tell you what. Not only the dog at Christmas seems like the the most awesome plan in the world. It's the worst plan in the world. 1st alright. Fivefold. Fold number 1. There are boxes, tinsel, and ornaments, and paper everywhere. It's a nonstop what's the dog got in its mouth? What's it got in its mouth? It's got the box. It's got the thing. It's walking around with the thing in its mouth. It's trotting around. You're pulling because the 4 that hang low off the tree. Yeah. I drank the Christmas water Of course. And then s**t all over the place. Sure. And this was sloppy. So the point is, like, you're drinking out of the Christmas water tub. You have you have cardboard chewed up everywhere. There's stuff all over the floor because it's Christmas. Also, for me, it's the only time of the year I'm actually at home in my bathrobe and trying to enjoy myself, and I'm chasing this dog around, and I have hypervigilance. So it's like everyone else is taken to the room and their iPads, and I'm like, the the dog got fed. Right? Yeah. That was an hour ago. Right? Why is the dog inside? Dog needs to be outside. Is the dog inside? Like, my hypervigilance, like, get the dog outside. Dog's had me outside. Alright. Sorry, Frank. That help? No. That's oh, jeez. Well, well, I think my wife's gonna be disappointed, but Well, look. Help. Look. The the deal is is, get a 1 year old dog that is already broken in and not neurotic and, you know, get a mellow 1 year old dog. Frank, let's ask, Adam. Was it worth it all for that moment when he when when Natalia saw the dog and the dog left tears? And that that that's that's a once in a lifetime moment. That happened in the first 13 seconds and then the the following 2 weeks. I mean, we Lynette and I, we once we went we've we had we had a we had one good date night. We had a, let's go out to dinner. Let's go see hateful 8. Let's blah blah blah. And, what are we gonna do with the dog? The kids are staying with Ivy. That's, that's cousin Sal's sister. And they're having a fun time over there. And, Zoe Bell, by the way, from hateful 8, which I really enjoyed, is gonna be on tomorrow. She's, one of the stars of it. Michelle tomorrow? Yeah. So we can enjoy that. Came home. We decide to it's a lot it's a lot of what ends up what ends up happening is this. The dog takes the huge dump on on the side of the the carpet, And then I am the guy who goes, let's never let this happen again. Right. Never again. And let poor Lynette's with the f**king handheld bissell down on her hands and knees for an hour in that room, and it smelled like f**king fried hell. And they're and I'm like, let's not let this happen again. But then the next day goes around, and it's like, alright. The dog's gonna sleep with Natalia. And I'm like Oh, boy. Why don't we put, like, a beach towel down or something on that corner? Let's block that corner. And then Lynette's like, well, I got some puppy pads. And, it's a lot of this. I I feel like there's a lot of this in my life, which is, okay. We gotta put the puppy pads down. Well, the dog choose the puppy pads. Yeah. But it'll be up on the bed, and then when he gets off the bed, instead of s**tting on the carpet. Yeah. But the puppy pads get moved around. Nice. Yeah. No. But I'm always like, okay. We don't want the donkey s**t on the carpet anymore. Can we agree on can we agree on that? This is a common goal. I'm glad everyone has taken a stand, but can we try to not have this happen again? And they said, fine. We'll put the puppy pads down that night before the dog goes in, and then we all went out to dinner and somehow they decided that my bathroom would be a good place to store the dog. Oh, wow. And the dog, pulled my bathrobe down off the rack and, like, wiped its a*s with it, shoved it the corner, took a s**t in there. And then later on the next day He loves you. The next day, I woke up, and there's a nice fresh s**t on the carpet where the dog had s**t in the shag. Oh. And I said, to Lynette and my daughter, I said, what happened to the puppy pads? And they're like, yeah. We don't know. Oh. Sometimes the dog eats them. I should It shuts them out. The dog just ate the puppy pad? There's no there's no chewed puppy pad. I don't know. And I'm, like, well, Lynette, get the Bissell out. And she's, like, yep. And I'm, like, and it's something I'd like to avoid in the new year, which is I don't wanna even watch you cleaning up the s**t. You should not want to ever do this again. It's a It's a shared goal. It's a it I I swear to god, I think it's part of the mom gene where it's like, thing s**t again. Gotta clean it up again. And I'm I'm the guy who does nothing but I want everyone's face on a coffee mug because I don't want any more weird coffee spittle dried up in the body ever again. Like, I do this I have this thing where it's like anybody who, as an adult, searches around for their car keys or their sunglasses is a f**king fool that's just wasting their time. You're just wasting your time. Just put something in place. Never again. That's the way it works. Don't it's it's the weird the weird thing is is it's the greatest verbally, probably the greatest thing you could do for somebody, which is what I'm what I'm saying is is if I say to my wife, wow. You look great. God bless you. I love you. She'd probably get suspicious. I probably shouldn't say that. Yeah. Yeah. Alright. Let's do far. If I said, sweetie, you're doing a great job raising these kids. You're the best. She'd say she'd love it. She'd say thank you. If I said put a beach towel down so you don't have to get the Bissell out for an hour and clean the sloppy s**t out of the shag, She'd take that as sort of an attack. But actually, in terms of practicality, in terms of words, it's much better. Mhmm. Because I'm trying to avoid her having to do all this horrible work again. So anyway, the, the the, no beach towel, no puppy pads, and the dog is s**t. And then this again, the weird conversation of where is the pad? I don't know. Is it still at large? No. We figured it out later that when they put the dog in my bathroom, they put the puppy pads there, and then they left the puppy pads there, and then the dog s**t up the thing. And then I do this one. Alright. We're heading toward the pothole of life. And I do the one where it's the 3rd night. I make the announcement in the afternoon. Let's get those pads down so that dog doesn't s**t up the corner ever again. Alright, old man. Stop your crowing. We're trying to party over here, and I'm I'm always like, this is even my car. It's not my car. I just don't want you to ruin your rims. Shut up, old man. Hey. We're singing in and out. I saw a sign that said in and out. We gotta get off on Sizzix. Whoo. And she did the songs on repeat. Right? We're moving. Stop it. Stop it. I do this move where I go puppy pad down. You don't have to clean up the s**t out of the shag. Yeah. Okay. Then, of course, 11 o'clock that night. Yeah. No way am I not getting out of the no. No. No way am I not getting out of my office and going and checking. Oh, just a Going and check. Yeah. Nope. Nope. Nothing. Carpet's just sitting there. Then I walk in. Lynette. Yeah. Puppy pads. We we put them around? Oh, what? The pads for the dog s**t. Oh, where are those? What? Great question. Lynette's always texting, so she's always, like, a little annoyed. Like, What do you want? The oh, I don't know. And I'm like, okay. Just just trying to avoid the 3rd pass with the bissell on the hands and knees and the f**king vomit bag And the poop. And the poop. That's that's all. That that's just me. Now have you told us exactly how old the puppy is or was when you got him ish, Ethan? We did, I think that that's a very good question. I think the dog was about 11 weeks coming up on 12 weeks or something like that, but way way too young to know any better. Oh. And, I think the 4th night or whatever, we did put some newspaper down or the puppy pads, and then the dog s**t on the puppy pad. And then I said, wasn't that better? And then I got the, don't stop believing. Alright. I got yeah. So the dog s**t on the pad, so we don't have to, we don't have to yeah. Whatever. s**t on the pad. Relax, old man. Yeah. We heard puppy pads. Puppy pads. Hey. Son of a fart. Portland has been clean up this, so we went out to see hateful 8, and we're like, we're going out to dinner where the kids are gone. We're gonna have a margarita. We're gonna see hay full 8. We're gonna have a great time. This is gonna be awesome. And, like, what do we do with the dog? And, normally, I just say put the dog outside. We got a fenced off yard and blah blah blah. It has been insanely cold. And where I live, it has actually been frost. SoCal. I'm up in the foothills. It it's dropping down in the thirties Yeah. At night. And it's insanely, insanely cold. And And El Nido starts in San Diego. Thinks a coyote is gonna get him or whatever. And now by by the way, she's cleaning up so much s**t. She's like, now she's like, put the dog outside. I'll put the vulture A lamp chop around his neck. Yeah. Turkey what do turkey vultures eat? They're like, why? Anyway, so so, we're out. We're having a great time. I mean, the kids are gone. We're, out at, like, Nobu. We're eating sushi. We did this thing that I've never done in my life, which is order the exact right amount of sushi. Oh, wow. I think I did. Pulled that off. Was it by accident? I said, Lynette, you order, and she ordered. And I know I do know this thing of, like, oh, it starts to pile up real fast. And then also you're going to see a 3 hour movie after this. You don't wanna be smelling like rotting fish while you're sitting in the theater, but also $50 of sushi you're not gonna leave behind. You know? Lynette ordered the perfect amount. The chef came by. The chef brought, like, oh, it's a little something that our chef whipped up. It was incredible. I love the movie. Everything was good. And Did not feel like a 3 hour movie, by the way. No. And when we got home and opened the door to the bathroom that the pup was set up in, I said, oh my god. It's like the end of Hateful 8. The dog had Well, I'm serious. Don't ruin it for me. Well It's Tarantino. Things get a little crazy. Think about the end of ongoing change. Okay. Yeah. That's the dog that had managed to s**t on itself and roll in it and roll all over the place and all over its bed and all over its everything. And there was this great moment where let Lynette's like, come now. It's this weird thing. So it's like midnight. We roll through the door. Lynette's riding a mild margarita buzz, and it's gonna be, it's gonna be great. And what a night. And it's like all of a sudden, come stat. Come through the door. And I'm like, the the dog's trying to get out. The dog's covering s**t. Lynette Lynette so so I'm doing this thing with I'm doing the thing. You take the dog. You put the dog in the shower. You shut the shower door. Then the dog's in the shower. Now we can clean up with the dog and show the dog's covering s**t. Lynette's like, he's not going for the shower. He's not going for get over here. Get over here. I go running over there. It's this great moment. Lynette's holding her by the top of the collar, and she goes, careful. The collar's got s**t on it. And I'm like, okay. And she's holding the top of the collar. Don't shake. And I go, okay. Okay. And I reach I for some reason, I decide, okay. She's holding the top. She's saying it has s**t on it. I reach under the collar to the bottom Right. To where his neck is, and I'm like, okay. I'm gonna grab the clean part, mash my hand into a huge ball of s**t. I mean, it's, like, all over my hand. I'm trying to carry the dog out. It's dragging s**t everywhere. The dog's as I got I mean, my hand I can hold in my hand up like it's on fire, and I'm running around the house with it. She's screaming at me. The s**t's smeared all over. It's just, like, trying to Paul on 4th July. Yeah. Trying to hold back the puke. I'm like, why is my hair? Now it's like, we gotta get the dog back in the house. And that's like, I'm showering with the dog. Hose everyone down. Romantic evening. It's like pulp fiction. Just hose them down in the in the yard. Yep. There's the s**t that goes from the backyard to the to the thing and the thing and the poor Lynette's in there scrubbing away, and I'm, alright. Anyway Does Sonny give a s**t about the dog? I don't give a s**t. No. Sonny Sonny's, Sonny Schneider here nor there in Phil. I mean, he likes him okay. You wanna watch this, video? Yes. We'll post it at amkrowl.com. It's just it's just it's just the puppy walking into the living room in Natalia. Jersey. What's that? I got the Marius and Virgies. This is so funny. But if I got CP 3, Georgia, I could watched a Clippers game, that's okay. But you're fine. I hate you though. Oh. Wow. I just wandered in. What is that? The big bow. Who's that? And Lynette holding the camera landscape. Yeah. Look at us. What were you saying about a CP? What? So he's just staring at the dog. Oh, man. It made me start crying really good. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Oh, the dogs pawing at her. She's out down her knees. Yeah. Sally, I'm sorry. Why are you crying? Tears of joy? That's pretty sweet. We'll post the video on Facebook. Keep it in there. Yeah. Oh my god. Oh, the dog is exploring the room, sniffing everything. Look at that tail going. Wow. I'm Bill. Oh, look at her face. I don't know. What's that? Alright. Now were you there to see the beginning of that? Were you fixing yourself a cup of joe? No. I had to I had to stage the dog. Yeah. Yeah. Right. You were wrangling. Set the dog gun up. I had to set the dog in the hall and sort of push it forward and, like, lock they never do what you want them to do, but the bow stayed on and the dog walked forward. And That was actually pretty perfect. Yeah. I circled around through the kitchen to then come out the other direction to see what the hell was going on. But yeah. Because the tie is sitting on the ground, opening a press or something, sort of looking at it, sort of looking off to the side, and the dog's kinda wanders in the frame like a knob. Long ribbons trailing it. It's pretty great. It's so by the way, I I've said this a 1000000 times, and the dog's been the dog's a great dog in the world. It's just s**tting all over the place, but we'll take care of that. And then Natalia loves it. Well, it was worth it for that moment. But the point is this. To all these s**t s**tty parents out there, I realize that the difference Brian, we were talking last year. You were saying, I don't know if we're rich or we're poor. I had to I had to ask my parents. I did. Yeah. You did. Because when you're 8 or 9, all you wanna do all my son wants to do is play catch with a Nerf ball. Right. That's all he wants to do. So is he rich? Is he poor? I don't know. He's got $5 worth of Nerf ball and somebody to throw it back to him. That's about it. That's what he needs. My daughter wants a puppy. My bat my my son wants a basketball hoop. And he'll sit out there with that basketball hoop, and it'll be 3 hours of him just sitting out there shooting around. And she wants a puppy. And, you know, later on, you can you know, if you wanna get a little highfalut, you can get into a swimming pool. But what separates your kids having a happy childhood versus a miserable childhood is like a Nerf football, a dog, and a basketball hoop. Yeah. Catch your dad. I don't I don't It's somebody to throw it out. Get it. It's like it's insane. Like, my dad's such a f**king idiot. He should've put a hoop up for his sake. Yeah. Leave him alone. He didn't want to do anything that burned a calorie. Right. But on the other hand, he's got me moping around the house all day. If he if he my mom or my dad, no dogs, certainly no swimming pools, but no basketball hoops, and no Nerf balls either. If they put a f**king $19 go down to big 5 and just f**king bolt the thing to a tree. I mean, the thing about kids is it doesn't have to be regulation anything or plexiglass anything. Just literally just just f**king nail something up to the side of a garage, and the kid'll sit out there all f**king day. That's how you should've sold it to your mom or or your dad back in the day as a little kid. Like, here, $40 investment. I said, I'll leave you alone forever. Do you know what they would've said? Again. Do you know how many shrimp deveiners that is? Yeah. It's, like, 18 shrimp deveiners. Those are form of currency. Come back in. Yeah. The the idea of just having a dog when you're a kid that you can that can be your friend, that you can take care of, having basketball hoop, having a just the little things. Because kids don't know from they don't know from the fancy cars. They certainly don't they're certainly more than happy to eat at Taco Bell every day. Like, it's not if you think about it, you don't really need money. Mhmm. The kids don't physically need money. They need somebody to throw the Nerf ball back to them and or somebody with just some initiative to f**king hang a basketball hoop up, and then they'll go out and stay busy the whole time. Now are the kids gonna have responsibilities with the dog? Trying. Watch mommy and daddy roar s**t. Yeah. No. Natalia feeds the dog Uh-huh. Which is good. It's good. But, still this morning, I was the one going, why is the dog inside? The dog ate. Like, the kids are all spread out. I'm like, put the dog let the dog eat, then put outside. And the dog dog is a mover, pisses while it jogs in the house. Oh, that's a fish. Leak. Yeah. A little dribble. Yeah. Molly was a girl, so Molly would just sit down. Right. And not in the house, but outside the house. She'd stop in one place, sort of squat it. The, Phil's a boy and Phil jogs and pisses. So you find this long serpentine thing You're gonna have you're gonna have to work it out for you too. El Nino starting in the next couple days. Oh. It's gonna be raining a lot. Oh. You know, once you put the dog outside and everything, that's gonna be a challenge. Snoopy dog house. Alright. We got the news. I should tell everyone state of the union. Lynette, remind me. We gotta catch everyone up. I wasn't thinking about it because there's not that much to say. There'll be plenty of live shows this year as there always are. Agenda item 1, keep kicking a*s. Keep kicking a*s. Keep building. Keep growing. Thanks to you guys. I'll be in, Westbury, New York and Peekskill, New York and Newton, New Jersey. That's coming up January 15th, 16th, 17th. That's stand up, but we'll do live shows, Irvine, Vancouver, Seattle, Portland. Chicago International. I got my passport. Yeah. It's fun. Maybe looking looking to go to Europe, this year with the show as well. This is The royal we or wee wee? Wee wee wee. Wee. All of us. That'll be good. Also, working about halfway into the next documentary. So, you can look forward to that. It's really coming out good, so I'm really excited, about that. That'll be called the 24 hour war that is, based somewhat on the book, Go Like Hell, AJ Bain. That's Behm? I think it's Behm with an m. A good guy. Anyway, wrote Arsenal of Democracy. Really interesting guy. Anyway, it's the Ford versus Ferrari and, battle at Le Mans. And it's kinda interesting because it's funny how the zeitgeist works. Like, you go, I wanna make a documentary about this story. It was about a year, maybe a year and a half ago. Then all of a sudden, I get these, you know, Dateline Hollywood. They're making a Ferrari biopic and then I get one Nick Santoro sends me one the other day. They're making a Lamborghini biopic. It's like, wow. This stuff has been kind of like, I've spent the last few years going, these guys are super interesting dudes. These are super interesting stories and everyone's like, then you start going down the path and all of a sudden, it's like volcano movies. You know what it's like? Dead for years. And then That's right. And that's direction. But I can imagine those two things help each other. You wanna know more, so you check out the other. You check out the other. Yeah. And, again, all very interesting stories. And and it's all the execution as I've always said. Mike August gave me one of these. Don't you hate when people do this? It's like during the break, and I said, I love Tarantino movies. I'm into Tarantino movies. Like, I wanna see I I I loved Inglourious Basterds. I loved Django and all. I I So satisfying. Yeah. Jackie Brown, not as much, but I liked it. You know? Did you consider Jackie Brown the worst of his movies? You're doing pretty well. Right. Let's play the movie. His movies make you think afterward. They leave you with the feeling of blah blah blah blah blah blah. And then Mike did one of these things where he goes, I don't need 3 hours or a bunch of people locked up in a cabin. And you you realize you can take come back fast. Take any movie and just distill it down to nothing Right. And then go, and now I don't wanna see it. No. And it's all in the execution. Absolutely. So, you know, Ferrari's interesting. Lamborghini, again, made tractors. I made tractors, and Ferrari threw them out of his office, and they said, I'm gonna make sports cars. But that's an interesting story. But, again, they can screw it up. Mhmm. You can make an interesting story and f**k it up, or you can take a non story and turn it into gold. I wish that Mike August come up with reasons not to see classic movies. I don't need another princess locked in a tower. I was just thinking Glenn Gerigan on Ross. I don't need to see 2 hours of guys trying to sell real estate. No. No. I guess you don't. I don't need to hear about some doctor in his Zhivago. Well, that's all you do with that's all you do. Right? Like, that's all he had to do. And I was like, it's Tarantino. Come on. And he's like, nah. Not interested. And then I said, well, it's that or Star Wars. He's like, no way. Never seen a Star Wars movie. He has with Star Wars, and I get it. He has with Star Wars what I have with lottery tickets, which is I must keep my streak alive. Right. Never buying a lottery ticket in this godforsaken piece of s**t state that tries to f**king legalize r****ded gambling. What's more post Christmas than dinner with cousin Sal, Adam's agent baby doll, and the entire Kimmel crew? That is it for today's cool classics. Hope everybody enjoyed the clips. Until next time. Mahalo and get it on. Did you know you can watch all your favorite crime shows for free on Pluto TV? Totally free? Totally free. They've got CSI New York, NCIS, Criminal Minds, Blue Bloods, Tracker, FBI, SWAT, all for free. There's something suspicious going on here. Nothing suspicious. Just hundreds of free crime shows. On Pluto TV, crime never pays and neither do I. Pluto TV. Stream now, pay never. Pluto TV is a place for movie fans like me. 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