Francis Ngannou in MMA? Not Happening! | Episode 374

Transcript

Welcome to Kroll Classics. I'm your host, super fan, Giovanni. This is the podcast. We play the best moments, highlights, and fan selected clips from all 15 years of the Adam Carolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Kroll Classics for which the ad free archives are exclusively available through Adam Carolla's Substack. Make sure to check out adamcarolla.substack.com, sign up, get access. You can also get access to Beat It Out, the new show currently featuring Adam and Jay Moore. Now let's get to the clips. Coming up first, we have Adam Carolla show 22/30. Featuring Gina Grad and Brian Bishop, the 2018 State of the Union. Adam's got some beefs with his trip to Hawaii, and in particular, some food he was served. It's overall a very fun clip that captures the spirit of the show at the time. Hope you guys enjoy. Good day, Gina Grant. Good day to you. Handballed, Brian. You suck. That's right. Oh, happy New Year. Much to talk about. Much travel. Many events. It's been a long time. We'll get everyone caught up on, what went on in, their holidays and vacations and, events and things like that. I Are you still wearing your coconut bra? That's right. I just got back, I just got back from, Maui, late last night. I certainly hope this wasn't your your vacation wear because you're pretty fancy today. I am, I'm dressing for success Oh. In 2018. Nice. I did not get that memo. That is my my New Year's resolution. There you go. And we'll get more into that, after after our first break. And we'll get into your guys' resolutions and new people are calling and all this. I will say, in general, little, little bit of dismay. The, little I was sitting around the table with, all the kids and all the parents yesterday in Maui with, cousin Sal and, Daniel from the Mann Show and their kids. Danny 2 sheets. Danny 2 sheets. And, sitting around with everybody and the kids at one table, and at some point, it was we're sitting around on New Year's Day. And I said, so what's everyone's New Year's resolution? And not only did they not have one, they had given it no thought. No thought. And then Better or worse? I it's a rich man, poor man thing. No resolution means I given it no thought means, strung out on methadone, and it's one day at a time, or it means I'm so far ahead of the game. It's really folly. Yeah. And by the way, I live my life this way anyway. I don't have to sit around and make a a list of stuff. Every day, I I climb in as far as Tony Robbins. That's what I do anyway. Yeah. So I I feel and it's also it's kinda interesting. It's it's sort of like lottery tickets. I I think the poorest of the poor buy lottery tickets, and then super duper rich guys buy them when they're $2,000,000,000 just at on a like, of his folly. Yeah. Like, on a whim. Hey. Why not? Yeah. I know. It's not doesn't feel like a middle classy kind of thing. So, I asked everyone at my table, all the adults. None of them had any. And then, I turned to the kids' table, and, none of them had any either. And then I thought to myself, is this going the way the dodo? And is it all part and parcel the new the new world we're living in where people are like, I'm perfect the way I am. Right. Wow. Because and wrong. Well, think about this. Number 1 is is always, like, lose weight. Right. We used to fat shame. There's no fat shaming anymore. Everyone's beautiful. Everyone's everyone's beautiful in their in their underpants. So why should you lose weight if you're already beautiful? Right. And you're morbidly obese, and you're not beautiful, but you're already you've been told you're beautiful. What's the impetus for the young person to go, I gotta I gotta do this? Right. And it might be the same with money too. It's always make more money, have more prosperity. But with now, you know, everyone getting all outraged again about how the haves and the have nots. Right. And life is just much easier if you have less money. So what's the point of making that change? Right. The, also yeah. I mean, the big one Easier than it was. The big one that's always there is smoking, but smoking's been on the decline so much. Cigarettes for so long. They don't wanna keep going down for so long. That peep it's just not there's not a big enough group of smokers. Alright. So, we'll get into, we'll get into a little more into detail with that, after the, after the break. I had this in no particular order, but I experienced this at the airport on the way out of Maui yesterday, which is there's, like, the sandwich shop with the with the bar, and they sell the chips and the waters and stuff. And, we were gonna eat before get some snacks. We're flying a coach on virgin on the way home. Oh, yeah. And, and it was fine, but we kinda knew if you want it's like a 6 hour flight. If you wanna eat, now it's time to eat. Not gonna do a lot of eating on the plane. So, my wife, Lynette so she pops into the place, and she says, I ordered us a Reuben sandwich. And I had that thought, which is, a thought I don't know if you guys ever have this thought, which is, I probably shouldn't be eating a Reuben sandwich for as long as you ordered a Reuben sandwich, then I can eat the Reuben sandwich. Waste. Yep. Right. So she orders the Reuben. Yep. But I ordered us. And I went to go, hit the other hit the bathroom, and then I came back, and the Reuben sandwich had arrived. The only thing that can ruin Reuben Reuben sandwich is amazing. Only thing that ruined is the word airport. Airport Reuben. Well, there's there's a word there's a word that'll do more damage to a Reuben than even the word airport, which is Hawaiian Reuben. Oh, they put her on a sweet roll. Oh, they did a lot worse than that. Some sort of pork or spam? Oh, no. Not spam. Mis Musubi? Hawaiian doesn't really help anything. Yeah. The word Hawaiian does it's so whatever comes after it, Hawaiian car. Yeah. Yeah. Hawaiian college. Even pizza. Like, if you're Yeah. You can put Hawaiian in front of something. Yeah. You're it's it's gonna be screwed up. In front of anything but tanning oil. Hawaiian Gardens, what the panel says. Worst. You don't want Hawaiian. Yeah. Hawaiian therapist. Hawaiian facelift. I I yeah. You just don't want Hawaiian in front of anything. Sounds like Cuban necktie. Like, you're getting the Hawaiian facelift. Put your tongue out there and tell us what you want. So there's this so there's there's always 2 parts to these events. There's the part where the Reuben has arrived, and I come back from the bathroom and it's toasting, it's golden, and it looks good. And it's not on Hawaiian bread. It's on, like, an egg bread or whatever you'd make a Reuben Rye. Right. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You're right. Probably, what you'd make a Reuben with. Quick side note. Do you go straight, like, traditional Reuben? I was pastrami Reuben. Because pastrami Reuben's awesome, and rye's great. I think you can even do it on sourdough. I'm I'm Yeah. Totally. The point is is Lynette takes a bite of it and, like, just about spits it out. Like, literally just spits it out. Oh, no poi? And then I take a bite of it, and it's just it's weird. It doesn't it doesn't resemble a Reuben sandwich. That's the problem. It's not a Reuben sandwich. It's not. What's a specific sandwich to? Has chunks of pork. Not pulled pork, but just chunks chunks of pork in there, which is it it's weird. And I like pork. It's weird. And then instead of sauerkraut, I guess, or cheese or what they would have in a Reuben Yeah. They have yeah. Both. They have done coleslaw, which is okay. I like coleslaw. I like pork. I like coleslaw when you bite into the sandwich as they, said in spinal tap with the review. s**t sandwich. It's it's just horrible. And Not really. It's not me. Lynette and I, we, we agree to disagree on almost everything, but what we do agree on is how horrible the sandwich is. And it's not like, well, that's her, that's him, but I bet another group would come in and be delighted with it. Nobody can be happy with this. Yeah. Nobody can be happy with it. Especially when the thing you ordered is a Reuben sandwich. Which has, like, 5 standard ingredients. Yeah. They aren't buried. Alright. So, again, do the best Reuben you can do, and we get it. It's not gonna be Arts Deli or whatever your favorite deli is. It's just gonna be an airport version of that, but this isn't even that. This is not look. You take Hawaiian bread or or or or egg bread or whatever it is. You then put in the pork. You you pull out the pastrami or whatever whatever you put in. Already not a Reuben. You take out the cheese. Once you take all the different parts, hey. I got Houdini's 1. We replaced the tip, the middle, and the base. It's Houdini's 1. It's like, no. It's not. You replaced everything. You you used the wrong bread. You didn't use sauerkraut. You didn't use cheese as a Swiss cheese. You didn't use Swiss cheese, and you didn't use pastrami. You used chunks of pork. So first off, should we have some sanctioning body where you're not allowed to name it Yeah. Something that it isn't? Yeah. That's right. There could be plenty of Makes no sense. Who could possibly be happy? Who could possibly be happy with this sandwich especially because you named it? Well and even on the off chance, let's say, even on the off chance it tasted good, it's still not what you ordered. Yeah. It's still not what you're expecting. Right. But it never tasted good. Right? Because I imagine kids would like this. We we Lynette, like, picked it apart and then I'm just eating the bread with nothing. And and then the the beauty is is I know it cost me $17. That's that's the other beautiful part. Just what you want for a 6 hour flight. And then I had to I had to get into this one, which is I had to go back. So Lynette's like, hey. I they said it was a Reuben sandwich. It was a Reuben sandwich. And then I went back and looked. I said, it said Hawaiian Reuben. And that's that's the point where you stop. Yep. You see Hawaiian and Reuben, and that means Yeah. That's that's something something. Under is the super boring, but, slow and steady wins the race, turkey and cheddar. And sorry. Yeah. It's at that point I'm gonna build the road. That point, you have to cut your losses. Like, you have to go I don't I would love a Reuben. I would love a Reuben. Everyone loves a Reuben, but here's the rub. That ain't a Reuben. You don't get a Reuben. You get a Hawaiian Reuben. Now you at the airport getting a Reuben Reuben, it's not gonna be a great Reuben, but maybe it'll resemble a Reuben. Now put the word Hawaiian in front of it. We're screwed. Now you gotta dip down to the cold turkey that you don't want. It's not gonna be a good turkey sandwich, but at least you know what you got. Good as advertised. I had the under on the number of times the word Reuben would be said today. And, boy, am I off to a fast start this year. So that was the, Hawaiian Reuben. And I don't know. Like, have they ever got a compliment? Like, I I feel like I could I could line up one of the comment card. Line up a 1,000 people to taste this Reuben, and they would all and and and and by the way, if there ever was a Jew that wrapped their cheek Oh my god. Mean, their fast. Plump lips around this sandwich, there would be lawsuits. Like, you could get Garrigas to represent you if a Jew took a bite of this, especially with the pork. Sure. Alright. So right. Yeah. That, in 2018, I'd like to I'd like to work on that one a little. Yeah. Or I'd like to just say to people, you can't say the name. Mhmm. You call it whatever you want. Standard when you standardize the nomenclature, you can make whatever you want. There's an old woman behind the counter. What's that b***h's name? Sandy? Good. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Sandy sandwich. That'll be it. And then you could explain what it is. And then they cannot order it once you explain what it is. Would you like your Reuben Sandy's way? We could name it after the chef. Hey, Reuben. Go over here. I, and, on on a on a better front, we were staying at a big resort in Maui. It's all it's all for the kids. Everything's for the kids. All about the kids. All inclusive? You wear the wristband? Or Yeah. It's kinda that way. It's not really all inclusive. It's mainly just sign everything in your room and get gouged. But Where was it? Where in Maui? No. It was a resort. Oh. What do you wanna say? No. Grand Grand Wailea. Yeah. That's great. That's got the big, like, the rock slide, the water slide for the kids. It's all It's got a huge pool It's all feature, I guess, you wanna call it. It's all kids. That's great. It's all kids stuff. It's like for the adults. But it's all all for the kids, and that's that's fine except they don't deserve it. But There's certain drinks. But, that's what the drinks are for. But at a certain point, just I had this weird moment, this uncomfortable and I was I was standing with the Danny 2 sheets by the pool, and a guy walked past us, and I didn't really notice him. And then he kinda turned around, and I looked up, and Danny 2 sheets was standing behind me. And the guy, a nice looking black man turned around and said, hey, man. And then I heard Daniel behind me go, hey, man. How are you doing? And then I was sort of processing the thing, and then he went, Adam. And I went, hon. He went, Byron Allen. What? And I went, what? My old friend. Tom McElise. Byron. Yeah. So super nice dude. Did you did you stroll down memory lane about you and Kevin Hart? I did. Told him I was annoyed having to watch Kevin Hart not be funny next to me and then seeing the next commercial for Jumanji after, after we go to break. So, he's like, hey. Did you say hi to Howie? And I'm like, who's here? Howie Mandel's here. What? I'm like, oh, he is? Yeah. So we walk around looking for him. He has, like, a whole cabana with his wife and kids and grandkids now. I gotta so cool. I gotta say, I thought I've always thought Howie was a real nice guy, and he is a a really nice guy, but he's beyond nice. But, also, he's got 2 great thing. He's a Jew, but he's a Canadian Jew. Oh, the rare combo. Yeah. He's got this great he's got couple of books. He's got this great it's like menchie without the complaint part. Like, I He's a unicorn. Well, that's what I'm saying. Like, the It's a flail yamaker. I'm trying to think because I had I feel like the Canadians are cooler. They're not they're not the complainers. Like, it's we there's something about it that there's a little they they don't have to have fun. They're a little whatever. Going. It's all funny. Right? And the Jews What you gonna do? Sorry. The Jews are menchie, but then they have the whole complaint side to him too. But he's from Canada. So he's washed that out of his hair. He's washed his hair out of his hair. Right. So he's over there. He's the world's greatest guy. And he's Byron, we find him at the restaurant. I just pull up a chair, and we sit down. And we sit with his family. We sit around. And, we're, eating, and and I'm having a beer and blah blah blah. And at a certain point, he, says, hey. I got this catamaran. Oh. Leaving out of, Walla loop or whatever. Saw Lynette's, Instagram video. The, the you guys all laying out there on the catamaran? It's a 65 foot catamaran. Like, a big time catamaran. The kind of stuff you see in movies. Waterworld. Yeah. It's a yeah. That was a trimaran or something. Oh, it was? It was like a tri hole or something. For some reason, that thing had 3 somethings was their the big claim to fame. But, yes, that's it. But you've seen these things on every every time The big the big netting or the big whatever up front. Yeah. Every time someone looks like they're having fun, we're looking for pictures from hit up Natalia, would you? I don't know what limits There's a there's Instagram There's probably an Instagram or something. Alright. Either way, hit up yeah. Bug Natalia. She's probably awake or something, and get her tell her to send them. She's just some pictures. She's probably awake. What what I'm awake. Okay. What I mean is Lynette's working on something. I think, is probably ignoring Chris', police. But No. No. She she got back to me. She said she's emailing to Kalyn right now, but we still haven't received it yet. Oh, oh. Yeah. We'll get them. Oh, then don't Gina, it's 2 still I just I thought we're still waiting on It's 2:20 on a school day. She's probably away. Give her a break. No. We're yeah. We're waiting on the yeah. The they're coming. That's that's the thing. Alright. So she'll email him to to, Dylan. So, anyway, so he's like, we're going on the boat on Sunday. And, you gotta drive, like, 45 minutes and go to the berth and oh, actually, there is no berth. There's they pull it right onto the sand. Oh. And you get on it just because of the Well, enough. Yeah. The the way it's designed. And you just walk right onto the boat. They have a ladder comes down the steps that comes down blah blah blah. And, next thing you know, you're just out on the open ocean and you're tooling you're tooling around. You're going to the best snorkeling spot on the island, and it's an hour away, and it says cove, you know, and everything. This place can't get to by car or any other way because you have to sail up to this rocky shores. Right. What was the weather like? Pirate weather or nice? Beautiful, little choppy, fun for me, not for Sunny. Oh, no. Too scary. But Howie so Howie's like, you guys you guys wanna come? Do you guys you know, you and your family wanna come on this, boat? We got this boat. Like, it holds, I don't know, 30 people, 35 people. And I just got my group, and my group's got, you know, his group at 9 people or something like that. I'm like, yeah. Yeah. That'd be great. And he's like, good. Just give me a head count, and, we'll be happy to do it. And, at some point, I had to give him the head count, which was 11, which was everybody but cousin Sal who, win win, cannot travel he's I've seen him throw up into a snorkel. Oh. He can't snorkel. He'll throw up into a snorkel. Oh god. Yeah. He will he will, Maybe you should try to drink. You can go to Adam Kroll dotcom and see this picture of, Howie. Wait. Is that your kids with Letterman? Howie's grown a beard. Howie's grown a beard. My, my kids love America's Got Talent. So they're all they're all going berserk with, Howie and all the America's Got Talent stuff. A real star. Yeah. And, it was there's I mean, just sailing around that Maui coast, obviously, the best, the whales, and everything Oh. Like that. Me and Danny, 2 sheets were there doing a little Titanic, reenactment. So we're having the time we're having the time of our lives. The catamaran is awesome because you can lie on that netting or whatever's up there. And, like, as the boat's going along, you feel like you're feel like you're flying a little bit or at least skimming across, you know, like, across the top of the water. The kids one of the coolest images is a lot of the kids for a long period of time were just laying face down on this netting, this webbing that goes in between the two main halls. And they're just laying there just staring at the ocean as it goes zooming by, and it's so blue and the sun's shining. It's amazing. And then everybody to the cove and anchor at the cove and then everybody off the boat and into the ocean and swimming around on the cove. You get dolphins swimming along with you? No. We saw whales. Oh, that's pretty cool. See dolphins. Cooler than dolphins. So, anyway, Howie, just the Mencius of all Menchas. And, I it oh, I just forgot about this part. So, you know, I said to Howie before we left, so I said, I got 11 people. And she said, okay. Bring them all down. And I said, that that sounds sounds like a lot of people, like, more than you. Right. You who chartered the boat. The boats if if it's gotta be $10 if it's a penny. Oh, yeah. Because it's all the food, all the booze, all the crew. You're out all day. Like, it it can't be $1800. It it it they've never they spend that in diesel for this one thing. It's it's gotta be some big chunk. And I'm actually bringing more people than he's he's bringing. Weighing down the boat. And now minus cousin Sal who throws up into the thing, but also it was Sunday, and it was with a 2 hour time difference. He had put on a watch. Go find a sports bar at 8 AM and sit alone at a horrible sports bar out off in some Maui, like, strip mall and just watch Yeah. TV all day while we all took off. Just driving the coast is amazing. But when you get on the boat and then you run the coast, absolutely amazing. And, the the the snorkeling was amazing. Everything just the wind blowing, like, the kids going nuts. The kids just, again, just lying on their face on that mesh and just staring at it. It's just the greatest. The greatest. And, so Howie, who I was so he's the menchiest guy. He really is the friendliest, easiest, nicest, sincerest guy in the world. And I and I I said to him, you snorkel? And he said, yeah. I said, And he went like, what's that mean? And I said, you don't seem like a snorkeling guy. And he's like, hey. I'm a weirdo with the whole hand bump, the whole fist bump thing, but I'm not a weirdo. I enjoy my life. I like doing stuff. You know? This is rented borrowed snorkeling gear? It it is. Again, but let's not forget. Remember, he had the box full of popcorn, and he was offering everybody a hit off it, and everyone was reaching into it. This is one of my many the part of life I cannot figure out is if you wanna go nuts over secondhand smoke and thirdhand smoke and outlaw it from smoking on the beach in Santa Monica, I'll I'm with you. But we have to outlaw leaf blowers as well because those are much worse. Right. But we don't live in that world. We live in the world where the thing that's much less harmful, and if harmful at all, if you're on a beach, versus the thing that's super harmful in the middle of your neighborhood is completely fine. And it's a weird world. Reaching into things of popcorn and then shoving them into your mouth, physically making kind you can't do it unless you throw each piece in your mouth. But just you shove your hand against your mouth, which is touching against your mouth, and then you reach back into the community bucket and do it again way way more than Aggressive. Yeah. Like, the guys that are, oh, they're out of seat liners, so I have to fashion 1 out of 26 pieces of 2 ply, and I'll just make a little mosaic on here. Like, whatever's on that toilet seat, not as bad as what you're doing right now with the 8 people that are all sitting around the honky tonk, and everyone's reaching in the middle of the table and shoving it against their their mouth. But for some reason, we just have decided, no. That's fine. No. This is weird and gross. Yep. It's the same with insects. Like, I have a c**kroach, weird and gross. Butterfly. Oh, cool. Beautiful. But we just decide, and that's just who we are. So, Howie is is not all I mean, it's weird with the fist bump, but he's not weird with the popcorn and other things. So And sticking used pieces of rubber in his hand. We were well, I don't know if he had packed some Purell dip or something or brought his own, whatever. But, you know, so, he was saying to me, oh, I I'm I like snorkeling, and this is some of the best snorkeling in in in Hawaii. And I said, okay. So good. And then, we were getting ready to get on the boat, and the captain's giving the speech, and we're getting, like, off the boat because we got to the snorkel spot. And, the captain's like, here's what this and that. And then at some point, she, looked at Howie and said, you may wanna get some, mustache, butter for that mask. The mask will leak. Yes. Oh, yeah. We got the mustache. Yeah. Yeah. And then there's something I never thought about. You get we got some wax or some pomade or something. You put on your mustache, and it'll seal up that mask. Otherwise, it's just gonna keep leaking. And, it's like, okay. And next thing you know, I'm in the water, and I'm looking around, and there's no Howie. No Howie. No Howie. And then everyone went snorkeling for, like, a good hour and then got off the boat. I was there with, Sunny and Italian. They're kicking around and having a good time. Lynette was out there and everything. And then we got off the boat, and there was Howie just staying on the boat. I said, Howie, why I thought you like snorkeling. What's up with snorkeling? He's like, I'm not going for that mustache wax. What? That was the bridge too far? Why? But it's part of being crazy. Right? It's part consistency. Yeah. That's the inconsistency. Why did you kill the nursing students? I don't get it. You didn't even rob them. Well, I'm crazy. Well, I do. That's what I do. Yeah. Wow. I gotta get to the bottom of that. I'm I'm trying to think. Like, he obviously didn't have any backup beard butter with him. Although I could on. If you give me a few minutes, the boat would stop rocking so hard, I could probably produce some. But so okay. He wanna dip his finger into used Well, it would have to be. I mean, it's not like, oh, we got a brand new can of beard butter. Like, it'll just be for emergencies. The beard butter that they use on the ship that you'd have to go into. Right? But And then you'd have to you'd have to you'd have to, sloth, what is that? What word am I thinking? Sloth? Sloth. Sloth. Sloth. Sloth. Sloth. Slather. You'd have to slather it all. So you'd have to take 2 fingers, get into the what I would presume your lips. Use wax. And then you'd have to use and then where other people's fingers had been before yours, and you'd have to go upside your mustache with it. So popcorn, no problem. Beard butter problem. But that's the hallmark of an insane person is is no rhyme or reason. Right. Right. And now no real way to overcome this because he doesn't have his own beard butter with him. My kingdom for some beard butter. Although, I'm not sure. And maybe you guys can tweet us later. But how if you got a full mustache, does it really ruin is it really come in that fast? I could imagine it It does. It not working very well. Doss, you want oh, yes. Snoop. When we were snooping, it came in at a very, very slow leak. It gets irritating and annoying, but it doesn't it doesn't flood your mask. Oh, you can. Could still participate. Yeah. You can. Okay. Alright. More to tell you. First, I'll tell you about LifeLock, man. Doing some post holiday sale shopping from your mobile device. Scammers can steal your credit card info and other data with phony retail apps. Only download apps from reputable stores and read reviews for complaints about malware. 1 in 4 people experience identity theft. If you're only monitoring your credit, your identity can still be stolen in ways you may not detect. Thieves could sell your info on the dark web or get an online payday loan in your name. Let's not let that happen. Now we are in 2018, everybody. Let's take care of this. It's LifeLock. You go online. You're gonna do so much shopping this year online. A lot of you got like gift certificates and things like that. You're gonna go online and hammer some of those Amazon things. Your info's out there. LifeLock detects a wide range of identity threats. If you've got a problem, the US based restoration specialists will work to fix it. They're the best. They're LifeLock. Dawson. No one prevents all identity theft or monitor all transactions that all businesses LifeLock can uncover threats that you might miss. Join now and get 10% off with promo code Adam. Call 1 800 lifelocker. Go to lifelock.com. Use promo code Adam. That's Adam to save 10% now. Alright. So that was, a ton of fun. There's so much more to report from that. And we I can sprinkle it in, throughout the week. I say you're the luau? We're at the luau. Luau. Luau. The the, I will. I You made complaints. The one well, here's I will say the luau was right for complaints. Oh, well, luck. You you have to know the thing's just a big fat tourist trap. I mean, you have to understand that. But the deal so they say, well, you really get to enjoy things through the eyes of your kids. Like, seeing those kids on the front of that catamaran whizzing through the ocean with the breeze in the face and laying down, magical. On the other hand, you can be miserable when those little b***hes don't appreciate stuff Sure. As well. You see? Both ways. They're like, who let the answers to? It can't just be not nothing can be a two way one way street. There has to be if it brings you delight to see them really appreciating Yeah. These events and these gifts. Then why then would not? Then when you see them open up a soda, take one draw off it, and then, like, dump it down the sink and go, well, then that's gonna make you miserable for the same reason. If you couldn't enjoy the high, you couldn't enjoy the low. So you're can be miserable over the low. We're we're giving June of the hard sell on kids now. Yeah. I'm ready to go. You go to a luau and, like, as a kid, all I knew from luau was watching The Brady Bunch. Yep. And it was like, oh my god. Oh, yeah. The girls in the skirts, the skirts, the toking up broad, shaking the doors. Like, lost in space was a more realistic TV show to me than the Brady Bunch because that I could picture. Like, sometime in the future, they made spaceships, and he made friends with a robot. There's a pedophile up there with him and everything who's always scared. But Brady Bunch took place in our time with real parents and real kids staying in, like, real hotels Real love. Real love and affection and, like, going places and sitting at a luau together and all that time. Enjoying those times. So my whole life, I've always been sort of and I knew it was a tourist trap, and I knew about all this stuff. But Who cares? They're doing the show. At some point, I turn around and scan the kids, and all the kids and I think we had 4 or 5 kids there. All kids are staring at their devices. There's hot hula chicks up on stage, and they're, like, hitting the the drum, you know, the the the the the the they're shaking and shaking and shaking. And they're all just staring down at their devices. And then at some point, they're, like, we're bored. And they just get up and leave. Oh. Mid show. Mid hula show. Mid hula show. For the kids. No. I had thought that, like, this was if any, it was gonna be free. Yeah. It's for the kids who were born, you know, up until 1975 and then had some sort of major head trauma where they didn't advance past the age of 9. Not these kids. They have a tablet. They're ruined. How how are you gonna have these chicks up there and these dudes up there shaking their ass? How's that gonna compare to anything they have on their tablet? They all got up and left, then the wives all got up and left. No. And then it was just me and Sal and Danny 2 sheets. And I'm, like, we're not going anywhere. And the kids wore it in 1975. They weren't advanced past the age of 9. Right. The other one almost. Yes. There was no dad voice. There was no, hey. You're staying and watching this show. And the last, like, what do you want from me? Well, if you do that, then then they just combine. Then the the wife presumably had to take care of the kids. So but they didn't obviously, they they weren't you hanging out either, so they took off. Everyone just took off. And the guy, guy, ironically, the guys who paid a buck 17 ahead, those guys were staying. The 3 dudes who paid. And it's expensive. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's always nice to see, you know, $1100 get up and walk out. But I was like, we're not going anywhere. Leave your drink ticket. The joke was on them because at the end, fire torch dude came out. Oh. That was the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. Yeah. So they miss fire torch guy. How was the food? Because I can imagine it would freak the kids out to see a pig roasted in the ground. The the the the pig was they did parade the pig around a little bit. They did, like, a victory lap with the pig, but the kids didn't really see it. That's for the best. The food is fine. You know? It's a Like banquet. It's just banquet. Yeah. It's it's tourist trap, you know, food. I tried some poi just to say I did. It just liquid nothing. Got them. Yeah. Is it like a paste? It's pasty, liquidy, nothing. Yeah. It's it's a it's a 0. And, so I'll I'll keep it at that, for Dave. Because we have Gina, we have Bald, and, also the, State of the Union as well. So why don't, why don't we start with you, Gina? What Alright. What'd you do? Well, for the first time in years, I I honestly can't remember the last time I did this. I did not go anywhere, and I did not do anything. And it was the most restorative, rejuvenating, self reflecting week that I have had in recent memory. I needed the sleep. I needed to just sort of, like, be walking on the beach and and thinking about a lot of things and thinking about my upcoming year and thinking about my past year and reconnecting with friends and making a lot of phone calls. And it sounded like it was gonna be super depressing and boring and sometimes it was. But overall Moments of dark despair. Overall not going right from work to, you know, jumping in the car and going on the road trip or who has the plane tickets? We gotta leave tonight. It was absolutely what necessary. It was what I needed. Well, obviously, travel can be super in intense with kids, especially. But just in general, it's just the whole TSA business. And, also then, for you, if you I'm all for the part where you just go you don't have to go anywhere, but you do have to go to the beach. You have to find a body of water and walk around it. Truth. And I'm looking to live over there. So every day, it was lots of, you know, just taking pictures and walking around and getting some exercise and Nice. A lot of thinking, and it just it was really, really necessary. And I didn't realize I had a doctor's appointment and, you know, working on some stuff. And she's like, so how's the sleep been? How's the short term memory been? I said, great. She goes, oh, you're cured. I was like, of course, I'm cured. I don't set my alarm for 3 in the morning anymore. I don't have a morning show job right now. Interrupting your sleep. Exactly. Just just alarming me out of my circadian rhythm every night. So just having this time to just sort of sleep again and and thaw out and feel human again was more necessary than I even realized. Side note, made at the breakfast table. The girls brought up Spanx. Do they do anything? What do they do? Yes. They do. And then somebody one of the girls said, they just basically move fat from one place to another place. Yeah. But they don't really get rid of anything. They just sort of move it. And I said, hey. Well, they work like, the undergarment version of a leaf blower. Mhmm. Yes. They don't actually pick anything up. They just spread it around. It just looks better on the side than in the front. Right. Well, just put some of your fat a*s in the neighbor's pool. And then his his driveway. Spanx will put it back in yours. Right. Right. So, Very chill. You got, there's see, there was a song, you've never been to me. You've been to I've been Charlene. Charlene. I've been to Paradisebury. Oh. Never been to Could be a tool tune. It's the most tool tune, and she gives a speech in the middle of it. Hey, you with the kids and the and the husband. It's a lie. It's a lie. Yeah. You gotta find that one. It's one of my favorite songs. Yeah. And remember, we just went on vacation. We we went to Cozumel in Key West and had a crew. I just I just needed to chill out. There is a I've Never Been to Me by Charlene. That's the one. Oh, it's so good. Roll your windows up. Windows up. Have we just got song? Should we cut to this talking part? No. This is amazing. Turn up. Have we discussed this song? Your life. You're a discontented mother and a rich and bent to wild. Edgemont. Let's just bring a little of that back. It's not all bad. From the early eighties. The things you'll never do. But I wish someone had to talk to me like I wanna talk to you. Did she break it down now? She's talking to her old self or new? Been to Georgia and California, and anywhere I could run. Took the hand of a preacher man that we made love in the sun. I miss the preacher man and the preacher's daughter. Guys talking about banging the preacher's daughter. The son of a preacher man? Yeah. Because I had to be free. Ryan, you know this one? Yeah. This man was on the show years ago. This man was on the show years ago. This man was on the show. One more verse and then the speech. Please, lady. Please She's beseeching. Don't just walk away because I have this need to tell Only there's a music video for you. While I'm all alone today, I can see so much of me still living in your eyes. Oh, you gotta pause it for a second. You know what I think? I just jumped in my mind. You know there's some guy who at the time of this at the time they laid this down in 1981 Sure. 80, 79. Figure it out, Max. When they're laying this down, you know there was a dude who is at the now when they're laying it down in 1981, he's 53 years old, but he played keyboards with grand funk, vanilla fudge. He was in the Wrecking Crew? Yeah. He played with all the now. 76. Was it recorded in 70 look it up again. Yeah. Yeah. Record 76 released in 77. Wow. Wow. Alright. So perfect. Still, decade earlier Yeah. The dude was playing in front of in front of you. Tops. Yeah. Just but he know this guy was playing with with with Montna Hoople and stuff like that, and they're doing the greatest music ever. Now he has to sit in because he needs that gig after the divorce, and he's become a session guy. He's still trying to keep the long hair, but there's a bald spot in the middle of it. And there's always some discussion about, 38 let's see. It would be 1. The outlaws getting back together. They're playing. Number 1 hit for Motown Records. So you know that he was part of that. You know? They just shifted him out of there. Was probably part of that great era, you know, 10, 15 years earlier. Now he's forced to sit there and just play for this b***h who's giving us her, recipe for life. Alright. Sorry. This next verse is a little rapey. And the Isle of Greece while I sip champagne on any This is what's happening. Please rhyme him with twat. Damn it. Close enough. I've been undressed by kings. Get worse. Yeah. Me too. Alright. Strap in. Alright. Here's you gotta do it, Tina. Hey. Hey. You know what paradise is? It's a lie. A fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be. We all slept as well. But you know what truth is? It's that little baby you're holding, and it's that man you fought with this morning, the same one you're going to make love to tonight. That's true. That's true. That's love. Wow. Gina Grant. I love this song. No? Hey, Neil. Is this the first time you heard me? Alright. Well, g just don't play it, but find Midnight Train to Georgia as long as we're talking about. I had some thoughts. So good. So, Gina, you've you've been to Paradise, and you just went to you. I realized that I Beach. I hadn't been to me. Not been to Redondo? No. I've been to Nice. I've been to Greece. We've, like, Harlem, Montana, Alabama. Huntington Beach. I had not been to Hermosa. Okay. So that's where Yeah. That's that's where I did. I I like I I like that. Yeah. I like that. That was great. Am I supposed to top that? Hey. It's Adam Kroll from the Adam Kroll Show. Bet online is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online betting from the earliest odds to in game live betting. BetOnline provides you with all the action and the ability to watch and bet on games as they happen with the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA, college basketball as well. BetOnline has NHL, MMA, and championship boxing, all your betting needs in one place. Head to BetOnline today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for online wagering. So have some fun. Make these games and these events and these combat sports a little more interesting with BetOnline. BetOnline, the game starts here. What'd you do, Bulldog? As you know, the kids, at least at a young age, having a little kid is a get out of travel free card. When you get older, you gotta go to Hawaii. Like Thanksgiving. Right. Exactly. Well, that was unfortunate. That was a sickness. But, like, you know, there's no plans for Christmas. Everyone's gotta come to us. If you wanna come to Christmas, come to us. So my parents came down and visited a couple days before. We spent Christmas at home. Christmas night, We made dinner, invited a couple of friends over who are, you know, out of towners who who for families from Pittsburgh and New York. They brought their little girls and, Christy's family, and we had a awesome Christmas night, Christmas at home, and then we do what we do every year. Her family I think I've mentioned this before. Christy's family has been going to this ranch in Solvang, which is in sort of the, Santa Barbara area, a little north of Santa Barbara. Dutch area. It is gonna be a very Dutch, and this ranch is actually a working cattle ranch, but it's also a resort. And they've been going there since he was a baby. For 38 years, they've been going to this ranch every year, and, we went for the 30th year in a row for my my Wow. 11th year. And, it's nice. It they they very much trade on nostalgia and memory up there because they go up and they see the friends that Christy literally grew up with. You know, going to this ranch every year. It was fun. And like you mentioned, seeing everything to the kids' eyes, like, this ranch is fun. It's a fun place. It's a it it is like an all inclusive kind of thing. We're, like, you know, the food, you show up, you just eat, you know, order drinks, whatever. And that's always been a lot of fun for the 10 years we've been going. Christy and I as a married couple or or a couple, but this year, with Tessa as a 15 month old, it's like unlocking a new level of a video game, like seeing her explore all the stuff there is for kids. Like, she went to parts of the ranch. We didn't know. Like, we always like, wonder what's over there. Oh, well, let's keep walking to the bar, you know, in years past. Now it's like, oh, Tessa. Let's go follow her, and she waddles off and find something to play with. Like, oh, what a great area for kids, and it was just so cool to see her, like Christy probably was at her age, exploring this, this ranch up in Salve. It's very cool. She is an actual person now. I mean, from last year's Christmas party, this one, very mobile. Mobile. A a thief with very sticky fingers when it comes to purses. Christy, got Christy got, very ill the last day. She got she got a flu, and so I was on baby duty 24 hours, which I'm happy to do because, you know, I love Tessa. I'm happy to help out. But, man, it is tiring when you're chasing around a now mobile and now very interested in everything 15 month old. She is, she is excited and excitable. Well, enjoy that. It was fun. Look forward to the luau's that they don't look forward to. I'll tell you it was I'll tell you it was crazy. Driving up through Santa Barbara, through Carpinteria, through the whole area, that's where the fires were. And very recently, I might I might guess of, like, a week ago, they were still burning. To see like, we're driving along Highway 101, which is the major highway up there, to see both sides of the highway blackened from from fires. You never see that. You never see that. And to see how close it came to homes, like, it burnt there's so here's the freeway. Here's the, you know, 6 lane highway, and then here's a row of, palm trees and then houses a row of houses and then the beach. You know what I mean? Like, these are these are oceanfront houses. The palm trees burned. It was like candlesticks, like burnt out candlesticks. There's charred, burned, and then the house is just, firefighters saved all the houses. It was amazing, amazing job. And you saw signs there, homemade signs. Thank you, first responders. Thank you, firefighters. And the they did an incredible job from what I can tell because there were just huge swaths of land burnt char charred or crisp right off the highway and then homes, immaculate perfect homes that have been saved. So it's crazy to say. Thank you signs as, known by the homeowners, but as known by the firemen kindling for next fire. That that cardboard's Yep. Gonna actually spark the next fire. Like the Blues Brothers, please put your signs down. Yes. One last thing. I I went to a barbecue with some former, coworkers over at the Sound, and we had a great time. And every year, a good buddy, Josh Fleager, who is the assistant PD over at the Sound, makes this New Year's dish. And I had him send me a picture of it because I really, really wanted you to see it on a day that Vinny isn't here. His New Year's pot, you you can throw the picture up, is chopped up kielbasa. Okay. Chopped up hot dogs, a pork roast, and then you throw that in a pot and cover it with pierogies and mashed potatoes. It's called you go home. It it it literally looks like the visual representation of a heart attack. Jesus. And, that's what they do every year on that. Oh, I love it. Kind of a redneck gumbo. Yeah. That Both gumbo's are redneck gumbo. But yeah. That's kind of a Yeah. I Delicious. Ladel it. It looks delicious. I will let you, find the lyrics, Max Padda, to Midnight Train to Georgia and then, Brian can sum that up. 1st, I'll buy you a little time. 1st, I'll tell you about, true car, man. TrueCar. There you go. Got some tips you might, wanna follow in 2018. Did you know if you place a key fob under your chin, you can increase its range? I thought that was weird, but it turns out it's true. Got another tip you might not know. TrueCar helps you get used cars with a certified dealer network. Nationwide, inventory of nearly 1,000,000 used cars. So you're thinking about getting a new car, new car for you, used car, new or used, enjoy real pricing on actual inventory and a similar buying experience. Whether you buy new, whether you buy used, see what others pay, and you find out what the deal is before you buy. You do it on Chris Max. Pata did. You got, TrueCar. He got himself his Prius. Very low 200 miles on that thing. Enjoy a faster buying experience. Connect with a TrueCar certified dealer, man. When you're ready to buy new or used, you'll always go with TrueCar and enjoy a more confident car buying experience, some features not available in all states. I was at the hotel. I was, laying in bed, and I was thinking about that, song, Midnight Train to Georgia. Classic. Enjoy that song a lot and always enjoyed this song. And, I was, thinking about it. And then I realized she's singing about a loser, and she's a bigger loser. And she's still getting married to this unemployable. She's waiting for this guy to come out of his hands and legs. This guy can't this guy came out here to make it a a maybe a star, but He's going back with his tail between his legs. Right. And Gladys Knight and the Pips? What's left of his world? He told everyone to f off and then he went to LA and they didn't have a lick of success and now he has to go back to Georgia and drive a truck. Right. And the pips. They don't let him get off easy either because she's like she goes superstar. And I go, but he didn't get far. Like, they're, like, rubbing it in. There was a group chorus. They're keeping it real. Real. Yeah. Yeah. Not even any extra work. She's s**tting on her point. Mhmm. Co bet codependency. I'll be with him. Just swing. What kind of future can this guy have? He's gonna knock her up and then he's gonna split. A a wild wild failure. Yes. Right. Classic codependency. He kept dreaming. Listen to the pitch from it in. Superstar. But it didn't get far. Like, I hit the sky. Who's this song about? Like, that's gonna feel horrible. Hey. They wrote a song about you. Oh, that's awesome. No. Not good. Uh-uh. No. No success. Dreams don't always come true. Eated. He's He's an early example of keeping it real. He pawned all his hopes. And he also blew a producer, but that was, like, $80. It's an extended version of that. Driving a truck. He said he would. Leaving on a midnight train. So I was thinking about this song. I was thinking about this guy's a huge loser. Daniel pointed out at breakfast that she's a bigger loser because she's following her back It was life of mediocrity and no success and no money. She's broken. Why is he so attractive? He sounds like a douchey actor guy. I wanna say. Could've stayed home and earned money those 11 years. Right. Alright. So We we cut to 12 years from out of telling their kids, like, hey, your dad spent a little time in Hollywood. You know, behind the camera. The pips popping, but you didn't get far. Alright. Because he's following me around every day. Poor guy. The pimps are falling around everywhere. And it's like He even sold his car. Here's the job interview. Mister, Smith, I see you, spent a few years in Hollywood Wow. With an actor. He wanted to be a superstar, but he didn't get far. But for everything. Like Or just people with you? You're not a deal. So the, the, so I started thinking about it, and I thought, alright. Not only is this song about a loser, but the second thing I thought about, I said, I bet this song was written by a white dude. Like, maybe even a Jew. Oh. And then I started thinking I don't know why, but this is the most soulful song. It's done by a black woman, so I don't know why. But I know this wasn't. It it couldn't have been written by Gladys Knight. It has to be some dude. Woah. White dude. Country dude. Okay. Country dude. Do we know what this is, or do you have a look at No. Not a name you'd recognize. Was out here playing, like came to LA, was playing, like, semi pro football with Lee Majors Autobiographical. From the $6,000,000 man. He's the loser. Yes. He called up like Lee Majors on his at home when Lee Majors was married to Farrah Fawcett, and she said she's about ready to get on a midnight flight to Houston. Not a sexy. He thought flight to Houston? Thought midnight train to Georgia would be a lot better than midnight flight to Houston, but he liked the general vibe of the whole thought and then wrote the song sort of about himself coming out here trying to be a songwriter and whatever and switched to Midnight Train at Georgia and blah blah blah. So, there's your there's your your day music music history. Love it. Alright. Let's see. Improv, January 25th, Cobra with Mike August. Nobody missed that. And then, Oxnard Levity Live on March 5th 15th. A movie. Well, Mike is Mike is pushing for Red Dawn. We'll we'll see. We'll we'll then we'll put it to a vote, see what you guys wanna do. Alright. Coming next, we have Adam Carolla show 1256 featuring Nate Jackson, Matt Atchy, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop. This one's from 2014. It's a short fun clip. Hope you enjoy. Pluto TV is the place for movie fans like me. And TV fans like me. They've got something for everyone, and it's totally free. You can binge laugh out loud sitcoms like Frasier. And rewatch cult classics like Higher Learning. Whether you're in the mood to solve a little crime before bed time with NCIS or Tracker. Or curl up with a surefire hit like Forrest Gump. Run, Forrest. Pluto TV has thousands of movies and shows all for free. Pluto TV. Stream now, pay never. Jared. Baseman. Connecticut man. 27. What's up? I have a, need need your opinion. Basically, I think one of the signs of getting older is sit down to go pee, go to the bathroom. Just curious what other things you think No. No. Are signs of getting older. No. That's sitting now only in the sense that you think you're gonna take a s**t, but you can't take a s**t, but you've already peed. Yeah. We discussed this on stage, I believe, recently where you sit down and you go, I'm gonna take a s**t, and then you go, oh, I guess there's no s**t coming, then you get up and you've peed. Yeah. You were you were trying to get your a*****e to to you're like, come on. You know, your dick is down, but your bowels wouldn't follow. My a*****e is a wild stallion yearning to be free on the open prairie. Bucking? Yeah. A guy wrote a song about it called wildfire. You can find that. But That was after you tried the taco powder. Ring of fire also about it? That came later. Yeah. That was after the seasoning packet. But, there's a song that was written in the seventies about my a*****e, and it's melancholy, but I think it's worth a listen. And you think he's singing about a horse, but he's really singing about my anus. And if you really just sort of you can do the math. You know? It's like I said, losing the sky with diamonds. You know? And so once you start doing the LSD math, you know, you start doing the math. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Smoke on the water. You know? It's another yeah. Michael Martin Murphy. Yeah. We were pretty tight until this song came out. And then Did you feel violated by it? Well It was put on blast. More piano? Well, this is back when, you know, AM was AM and songs could go longer than 3 minutes, you know. Now everyone's, you know, everything's being produced within an inch of its life. This is on the best of Michael Mark Murphy. Wonder what else is on the best of Michael Mark Murphy? Songs that add in to their body parts? Yeah. Extended dance version of this. The 12 inch range. There's one about my urethra. It's quite quite the lead up on this song. Again, you have to picture my anus. It's kind of a big deal. Yeah. She comes down from yellow mountain. Yellow mountain. Alright. Yeah. That's that'd be the right. Obviously. On a dark place, and then she rides. Dark. Right. On a pony she Yeah. It's what the taco season. Whirlwind by yourself. Whirlwind. You know. It's a lot of layers in these metaphors. Night. I was never in Nebraska. That's just that's what you call artistic license. But, yeah, that force on that the cold Nebraska night. Like, when you get up and you don't wanna turn the light on Feels like you're in Nebraska. Sit down. Mhmm. You know, you don't wanna wake up the old lady. The man is cooking now. They say she died When there came a killing frost, go now. That's right. And I gotta pick your name. That's That's oh, that seat comes off. That's, beating off in the shower. Yeah. I put my anus in here, but you know what I mean? We knew this wouldn't charge if we ran Paul and Adam's anus. I wouldn't have thought a song about your anus would be such an excellent example of yacht rock. No. Oh, it's good. It is. Mhmm. It takes it again, it becomes melancholy at a certain point. This guy Very sweet. Gary, put up a picture of this guy as great as his album. He's so white. His facial hair is white. As soon as white Music is white. Mhmm. More jacking off in the shower. Oh, okay. Yeah. But coming early. It's a roommate who saw me jagged off in the shower. Not partial That's artistic license. It wasn't I took a night off. I there's no way I went 6 nights in a row. He's wildfire. Well, I The blow's gonna go We're both gonna go on wildfire. Yeah. It's really just him. I I couldn't do that. Let's ride wildfire now. Yeah. Ride He's set to replace Adam Samus. Okay. Here it goes. Also, you should've heard the demo version, where we're still out of task. Yeah. The working version. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Bustin' behind. Yeah. Yeah. It's not you wouldn't if you saw the guy, you just wouldn't that's why we had to change the name. Makes sense. Yeah. It sat around his neck. We didn't a a, double kerchief. Did you have a matching one when you guys were friends? No. He's well, I had one. He had one before both of them. Yeah. That's part of the reason we don't talk anymore. He's your kerchief. Kerchief. Hey, Bogart or the kerchief. I know it's a story as old as the Bible, but he was a he was a kerchief bow guarder. No way to end the friendship. Mhmm. That's mhmm. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, it's not something I like to bring up a lot. Alright. This is Adam Prollis show 1256. Coming up for our final clip today, we have Adam Prollis show 1327 featuring Dan Saint Germain, Chris Rampartal on this portion, Allison Rosen, and Brian Bishop from 2014. Hope you guys enjoy. Dan Saint Germain. Good to see you, my friend. Great to be here. Thanks for having me. Bad at the good times. Let's see. Stan, I'm available, June 10th, Amazon. You know what to do. Go ahead and go to amkrull.com and click through so we get a little love as well. Also, the podcast, My Dumb Friends, and, you can hear that on, iTunes episodes, new episodes every, Tuesday. Dan? Yeah. Sorry. We're on website. You did a Super Bowl commercial with Howard Stern? Yeah. Thank you. Which one were you? I was I was the fat guy with the cape. It's basically what I did, and they shot me with really cold water. I'm trying to think if I It was for America's Got Talent. It was just me dancing to Maroon 5, and then they shot me with water. It was really cold. How does one get that kick? By being the other fat guy who didn't turn it down. By outworking the hell out of everyone. Yeah. It was pretty it was wearing like a sequin top. You know? It wasn't Dan, by the way, this doing a lot of standup dates around the country, but you can go to dan saint Germain dot com, sorry, dot net. Yeah. Some chemist got the dot com. Dot net. And, you can find out where he's gonna be performing in a town near you. Where you come from? How'd you get started? I I started in New York. I grew up in Jersey and then moved to Westchester when I was in high school. And then, you know, went out to school in Indiana and came back and started doing stand up. Was there did you always know this was gonna be for you, or was there something you thought you're gonna do? Well, I tried it 3 times in high school, and I was pretty terrible. So I gave up, and I wanted to do, like, writing stuff. And then I went through, like, a breakup in college, and I started it right after college. Like, right after I did, like, a puppet show with the breakup, and then that started transitioning in a I I don't know. Is it is it possible to be decent at stand up in high school? I don't think so. Why you hear some stories like Eddie Murphy was good. Only black guys can do it. White white guys have a maturation. Yeah. Yeah. We we need we need to ferment. We've had too we've had it too good for 16 years. What it is. I think that's it. Black guys have such an advantage with all the slavery and the 2 drinking fountains and the the German shepherds attacking them and everything. That's better than us. Well, they come out of the womb ready to go. You know? Angry. We have, like, well, I got a zit. Let's see. My stepmom's kind of snarky. Yeah. Exactly. Woah. We went to a water park once, and it was closed. So are you writing this down? Bad breakups. Yeah. There's really nothing going on in white man's world. And then what happens? So Chris Rock can do it at 14 because he he's ready to go out of the womb. Yeah. He's ready to go. He's sheen the pain. Just it was born into the pain. Yeah. Whereas Whitey, we gotta get a few years of s**t under our belt, and then we're ready to pop that boil Yeah. Somewhere around 25. Bad for a while. You know? And then I guess you just and I think I think you just get humiliated enough, and then, you know, like I I think each I think that's why people in their forties are the best at it. Yes. Because they've been through the most s**t. You know? Got a few more days. Yeah. That's right. That's right. And then before I turned 50, and I'm no longer good at s**t. When you were in high school, what were you what was your material? I don't I you know, I remember I got up on stage once, and I didn't think you needed to write anything down. So I just I remember I did this in I don't even know. Like, I did an impression of, like, a beach manatee, and I, like, I did, like, I got on the I started convulsing on the ground, and there's just nothing like silence, like, when you're, like, in the middle of this bit you're trying to commit to. It sounds funny. I mean, it's funny in retrospect that I thought that that would kill. You know? And then I don't know. I just gave up on it. It was really scary. I still don't know why I do it. You know? I would love actually be an interesting little sociological experiment or just be fun, but it'd be fun to force everyone at 15 to do 3 minutes of stand up just to have on tape. And you Written down or not written down or not? No. You had to put it together. Yeah. You had a week to do it, and then you just be up there going, what's up with this cafeteria food? And that would be it. And then you'd be talking around, like, and missus Parker, such a b***h. Yeah. Lot of local material. A lot of inside local stuff. It's really hard, I think, too because I don't remember even liking stand up from the ages of, like, 14 to 18. You know? I remember liking it when I was, like, 12 13, and then I just stopped liking it. Who did you who did you watch when you were young? When I was a kid you know, like like, just comedy in general, like, Naked Gun was, like, the first one that I was, like, got as the best thing ever. Sure. And, you know, Airplane. Like, that that old sucker brother type stuff. Yeah. And then, and then after that, I I got into Steve Martin a little bit, and then I tried to I pretended to like Lenny Bruce in college. You know? Sure. I think every comic does that. Yeah. You're just like, oh, yeah. Yeah. This is the truth. No. In high school, I pretended like him. And then, like, in college, I started listening to, like it must be Oh, sorry. Go ahead. No. No. No. There's nothing else. The the the it must be good to be that guy, like, Lenny Bruce is to comedy what Radiohead is to music. You just go, who who you into, who you're influenced. Like, who what are you checking out? Lenny Bruce. Early. Early stories. Oh, cool. It's club dancing. Sure. Yeah. Absolutely. I like it. Radiohead. Radio Bruce is what I listen to. Yeah. And it's like every all anyone can ever do is nod their head. They can't go, oh, you're such a f**king lightweight. He sucks. Lenny You know, like, I like the heroin reading legal document stage. Yeah. I like when he just got all the transcripts from his court case and got high, chased the dragon and read them up on stage. Like, I don't even know how much of Lenny Bruce I know. It's just and it's like, I don't know 3 Radiohead songs, but you just say that, and you're covered. You're done. I think that that's like and then you say Bill Hicks. I don't know Bill Hicks. I just don't know. It's funny. That'll work. That'll definitely work. And those are the people I think the like, that's why it's so hard to do political stuff because, like, there's so many people trying to be Bill Hicks and Lenny Bruce. And it just is if you can't if you're a bad comic, you try to do that stuff, it's so glaring. You know? Well, the guy I always miss and I, will always bring up in this situation is Mitch Hedberg. Yeah. I laughed every time that I watch that guy do stand up. Yeah. I know. I loved him in high school too. And he just I don't know why because it wasn't even necessarily my kind of humor sort so to speak. But accessible. Like, it it made sense. They said you got it right away. It's interesting because, Adam, I've heard you say that you prefer, like, George Carlin to something that's silly or that's wordplay, and yet that's what Hedberg was. You know, there's there's this weird thing that I think transcends comedy. It's just everything. There is a there's such a thing as a good version of, like, fast food. Like, there's a good version of food that's not really good food, but there's still a good version of it. There's a good version of bad movies. You know, bad, just big time, Bruckheimer, whatever. Kinda like that. Yeah. There's bad movies that that when when done correctly Yeah. You can jump genres and enjoy a food, a movie, or a comic because they do what they do so well. You know, Mitch Hedberg told jokes, and I'm not a joke. I don't collect jokes, but he did it in such a way that always it always made me laugh. That was one of the guys that I when I started out, I was blatantly ripping off. I think I had, like, glasses and a coat. You know what I mean? Like, my first few open mics, I was, like, doing, like, one liners and stuff. And God, I don't do that anymore. By the way, we got the the news. We got a few phone calls up there. Somebody's got a relationship question. We can all just, jump in, Dan, as well. Trey, 24. Hey, Adam. What's going on? Tennessee. What's going on, Trey? I, me and my girlfriend been together for 2 years, and she's well, she was, but kinda still is. And I kinda feel bad because she really like the girls. Mhmm. So we've kinda talked about maybe having a girl come to the bedroom with us. But the thing is, I wouldn't be able to interact with that girl at all. It'd just be my girlfriend and watching. Good idea or bad idea? Well, first off, I don't I don't know if you need to honor that, you know, just you watching thing because I feel like Has forgiven us that permission? Yeah. Once the juices, got flowing, there'd at least be a couple couple of attempts. A little boob grab, at least. Right? Yeah. If if if anything your own and then start and then and then go for theirs. Now when you say do nothing, because I don't know what what proper etiquette is for these types of situations. Are you naked? Like, I'll be able to interact with my girlfriend. Like, that's the plan we have in our heads. Like, I'd be able to, you know, with her and she'd be servicing the other girl. I would be able to, like, go to the other girl and, like, fill her up or kiss on her boobs or anything like that. Mhmm. Mhmm. Now when you say fill her up Uh-huh. That's a lot of jizz control also. Yeah. And also, so well, first off, you know, I don't think I don't think there's a lot of downside here for you and your genitalia. Like, I I would definitely not I would definitely not go, well, f**k that. You're getting ripped off, dude. I mean, don't go don't go for that. So you get to do whatever you want to your girlfriend, and she gets to do whatever she wants to whatever chick you guys have roofied. And I where do you get the 3rd chick? Where are these chicks, and how come they're out there, and who are they? I don't know. But she she gets, like, hit on a lot. By a And she'll come like, she'll tell me about it and I kinda feel bad because she does like girls and that and it was my because she's, like, really jealous. It was my idea to be like, look. I won't touch the girl. You get your girl, I get you with the girl, which is awesome. Mhmm. And, you know, maybe we can try that down the road. I just wanted to see if you thought about Well, Trey, here's what I've learned from, all my years over at, Loveline. Have all the fun you want, experiment all you want, do all you want, but probably don't start a family, get her pregnant, have kids. You know what I'm saying? With my current girlfriend? Yes. That one. That's the that's the one. You're getting married to her? For yeah. That's the plan. We we've pretty much, got that lined up. Do you have Alright. Then in that case, can I do and sorry to be a boner killer here? Right. Do not do this. This has bad idea written all over it and here's why. You said that your girlfriend is really jealous. Even though she's laying down the ground rules that you can't touch the other girl, you know that afterwards, she's gonna wanna know, but were you turned on by the other girl? But were you turned on by her more than me? What do you think of her body? And she because you if you enjoy watching the 2 of them, that is gonna, I suspect, gonna make her begin to question your fidelity. And it I don't it just to me said does not sound like a good idea. Only one way to find out though. There is That was actually my ground rule. That was I said that before she even got to it. I was like, I don't I'm not interested in any other girls. It's more of like I feel bad because she she hadn't been with like, she was mostly with the girl. She had a few boyfriends, but she had, like, 6 5 or 6 girlfriends. Mhmm. She feel like say something about, oh, that girl looks like this. I got flirted with today, and she was really hot. Hey, Trey. Hold on. Let me ask a question. Do you have kids already? No. No. Not that. I'm only 24. Oh, okay. Let's just hold off is all is all I'm saying because this chick sounds chaotic to me. And and, Allison is right in what they do. What women will do is create a little trap. Mhmm. You will then stumble into it, then they will use that sort of emotionally against you and blah blah blah. And that's what happens when you're 24, and that's why you're supposed to do this stuff, but don't get pregnant and don't get any kids that don't get married and all that kind of stuff. Also, you're right. When it comes to the actual finishing part, no talent, especially if the ceiling fan's on, where that stuff's gonna end up. You know what I'm saying, Trey? Well, I don't know if we, went to the whole where the aim situation yet. I would finish in the new chick's hair and then claim that I beat them on a technicality saying, I said I would not touch you, and I did not touch you. This is, you know, me going, Yuri Geller on your a*s. This is me using I said physically manipulating that spork with my f**king jizz. That's that's all. I had the most awkward three way once where me and this girl were seeing each other, and we took this one girl home. And this girl was, like, doing stuff to the girl I was seeing, and then I tried to go down on her And she, like, turned around and punched me in the face and said, I'm only interested in this girl. Really? And then I just walked on. Wait. You tried to go which one did you try to go down? Well, I was already hooking up with the 1 girl, and then the other girl was, like, going down on her. So then I I was, like, alright. Well, I guess this is where I where I go in now. You know? Right. And then I did, and it didn't work out at all. She, like, hit me in the face and was like, I'm only into her. Wow. And I was like, you're welcome for the drinks, and then I left. Well Talked like an eighties ski lodge nerd, you know, as soon as that happens. You showed them. It's weird when people get offended in in the middle of their debauchery. Yeah. Like, this is where I draw the line. She's wearing, like, a devil mask or something like that. Yes. And by the by the way, it just it seems to be that's such poor form. Punching people are trying to It was very it was like yeah. Yeah. It was it was pretty nice. Right? I had I had a good one after that, but, like, that one kinda scared me off. But even then, I think, like, threesomes are for guys who are really, like when I had the one that was successful, it still wasn't, like, the best sex ever because you're so you have there's so much pressure on yourself. How many have you had? Just those 2. The one that worked and the one that didn't. You know? Mhmm. And then, me and We got a rubber match coming up, by the way. Literally. What's a rubber match? We gotta figure out best out of 3. You know what I mean? This is basically you know, the Clippers beat the Lakers once. The Lakers beat the Clippers once, and we gotta see who's gonna win the Subway series. Was a fluke. Yeah. This guy well, me and this one guy were, like, he was touching her boobs, and I was touching her butt. And then, like, we both were like, Harry, is this gonna now this is this can't happen. You know what I mean? Mhmm. Like, and she just went, like, hey. I'm gonna go to bed. You know? Because I'm like, I don't know if I'm Wait. So you had a 2a half and then half and you bought another guy? Yeah. Yeah. Because it was, like, there's not enough room. She was, like, too small of a girl. Do you know what I mean? She was 9 years old. No. Okay. But, yes, I didn't know really. That was the only other one. But, you know, now I'm looking for love. Oh, really? Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. You think that you can after a month and a half. You can look at a you can look at a girl's hip area and figure out if 2 can fit? No. I I would be like a it would be like a rotisserie thing for lack of a better word. You know. I like my ladies broasted. So like a long torso? Right. Yeah. Yeah. Like a Tilda Swinton. Yeah. You know? Or yeah. As I go war a durd. You know? Yeah. That. Someone with a long torso. Yeah. Yeah. Well, listen. First off, god bless you. Paltrow ideally. A lot of guys, if they would have started trying to munch a stranger's box in the middle of a threesome and they got punched in the beard, would just go ahead and say, I'll never get on that pony again. But not you, Dan. No. They got back up by that horse. No. I'm like the same horse. I'm the Rudy of threesomes. Yeah. Good thing. That's right. Keep going. You're gonna stand up. The pre we're gonna give it a slow clap. It's like the Everyone joins me. Like I'm carrying a bobsled. That's right. You got back up. I love that about you. Alright. Let's see. Someone has, needs advice. I feel like this is sort of along the same lines. Hey, Michael. What's going on, Ace? You're, calling from Minneapolis? Yes, sir. Might I suggest you go to Blinds Galore. Blinds Galore. They got a memorial sale. It's, coming up to Memorial Day Sale. Everything up to 50% off. Everything you need, free samples, by the way. They'll ship them out so they'll you'll be ready to shop. It starts Thursday, May 22nd and we use these guys. You guys should use these guys especially when it's a kajillion degrees outside like it is now. You take the blinds. You shut them. The room's like 25 degrees cooler because the sun is not not only is it not coming in and turn into place into a convection oven, it's not beating the crap out of the upholstery and the carpet and bleaching out. My dog. Nothing worse by the way. Upholstery and people that get sun blasted. It's a horrible, horrible look. You go to Blindsgalore. They really are Blindsgalore. They take care of everything you need, and, you go to blindsgalore.com. You make sure you let them know I sent you. That's blindsgalore.com. Alright. Hey. I'm gonna be in Minneapolis. I got a book signing, next week. You wanna come by and say hi? Yeah. What's the venue? Mall of America, Rotonda. Look it up. No. I'm about 10 minutes away. I'll definitely be there. Alright. There better be some guy named Michael. He's 23. He's having problems with the ladies. What's your question? Oh oh, no. It's not me. Oh, god. This is my best friend from high school. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. He's, we're both we're both 23. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's a friend. No. Seriously, we're both 23. And, we were pretty social in high school, but once we graduated, he kinda fell off into, you know, his own thing. And no luck with the ladies. He's still a virgin. Whenever I invite him out to go places with me and my friends, he always finds my excuse to not go. So I was wondering, basically, how do I depuss my friends and get them laid finally? I feel like with all the Internet whatever these days, there's just no excuse. But also there's a window for losing one's virginity, which I would probably say is about 15 and a half to 18 and a half. And if you f**k up that window, then it becomes it's sort of male virginity and losing it is sort of like women with pregnancy, which is No. Very easy at 25. And then at some point, you turn 30 7, and it goes down quite a bit statistically. Yeah. And I feel like once you see your 20th birthday and you've not, dipped that wicks in a little pussy wax, See, I write I I write I use my words to paint pictures. Yeah. Yeah. That was beautiful. Then you're in f**king trouble at that point. Now you're up in your head, and it's gonna it's gonna be tough at that at that point. And your freshman year in college, I think that's the cutoff. That that's pretty much the cutoff point. Yeah. So, fellas, you need and and by the way, dad, I will hire my son a w***e to come to the home I'm available. Talking about? Punch him in the face if he gets too frisky downstairs, Sonny. I will get him a w***e just to get him laid because, you know, they do that you know, here's what they should do. You know, they come up with these f**king stupid studies all the time. We're like, hey. Turns out tall, good looking guys do better in business. Like, yeah. No s**t. f**king thanks, Geraldo. Let me write this down. You mean the ones that are built like trolls with horrible skin? You know? Like and they do that, and it turns out ladies. You know? The ones that are, in the Daisy Dukes and look fantastic. More guys pull over to help them change the flat tire. Like, yeah. No f**king s**t. But here's the study that needs to be done. Guys that got laid a lot from you know? I don't see a lot of guys that got laid for the first time at 27 having a lot of success in business and other things Yeah. It's hard. Like that. Now there's a weird sweet spot because too much pussy, too early and too often can take the wind out of your sails. Tell me about it. You had a friend that got laid? Yeah. Good friend. I have. I had friends who got a ton of pussy, and it basically that became their job in high school, which was trafficking pussy. Like, that that became a gig for them, and they just sort of dropped out of everything else. Also, you cannot get laid and have your confidence basically shattered. There's a sweet spot of pussy. See, I would almost I would wanna put it more in the, like, 16a half to 20 zone. Do you think? I feel like 15a half. To me, that's a little young. Like, I feel like I got I'm starting at the bottom and saying that's that's that's where you that's where you can start. And, also, there's a variation for men and women. It's a little different. The window slides around just a little bit. I just think guys that at 15a half are getting laid. To me, that puts them in that category of they're not gonna be focusing on other stuff. Well, it depends how early yeah. How often and and how it works. But yeah. Okay. So 16 and then just go freshman in college. But if it hasn't happened, then there's gonna be some serious, effects. Yeah. And you also don't wanna be, I think, the guy who's 12 that was his virginity too. I think that's, like, too young. Yeah. You mean you wanna be him? You wanna be him, but you don't wanna I think it'd be terrifying. If I lost my virginity at 12, I think I would just be like, oh, I got everything pregnant. You know what I mean? Like, everything around me is pregnant. Yeah. It it it is it is also weird because you essentially become a man, but you're walking into the 8th grade, and somebody's yelling at you and you're holding a peachy folder. So it's like, what what are you? You know what I'm saying? You're getting stuffed in a locker. I wonder, I'm trying to think. But but either way, I will get, I think, my son, you know, a tasteful prostitute. Oh, an escort. Julia Roberts style. Yeah. Vivian. Mean? Yeah. Without the win. Even Julia Roberts. You know? Because we could be talking about 10 years from now. Who knows what goes on with our career? Definitely Eric Roberts. She'll definitely get Eric Roberts. Eric Roberts. Yeah. He He, for sure, he would understand as a guy how important this is to a young lad. Well, how old was everyone here when they lost it? 16 and something. It was my sophomore year of college. I think I was 19. Oh, it was 18. I like I agree that after I think Dan's on a something. After your freshman year or at least that 1st year out of high school, it becomes a thing. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, no. It hasn't happened yet. It's it becomes a thing. Yeah. Right. And now you gotta now becomes a, you know, comedy from the eighties, and you have to get laid in hijinks ensue, and that's it. Oh, boner. Yeah. And at some point, you go running out of a w***ehouse, and you're holding, like, a lampshade around your c**k, and you're screaming and there's horns. Like, you could've taken your pants. Like, no. I wanna do this this way. Mexican guy with the pumping the shotgun running after you. And just a thing. It used to happen in every movie where you're running down the dirt road, and the guy fires a gun and the mailbox next to you explodes. I don't know. They stopped doing that in movies. I kinda missed that. Mailbox humor in the day. Back in the of hitting them with baseball bats, running over mail. There's a lot there just in general mailbox related humor. The shotgun boom as you're running for your life and your friends are driving in a car in front of you. Come on. Come on. Come on. Boom. Another shot. Another mailbox goes. Yeah. What happened to that? But I feel like they don't even have mailboxes that are out on the street anymore. And by the way, when you're chasing the car that you can't catch up to and the guy's yelling, come on, I would argue that you should yell at the driver, slow the f**k down, instead of yelling at me to run faster in the nude while the mailboxes are blowing up. You know what I'm saying? In parallel parks, and the mailbox is just funny. Alright. Let's see. So the let's see. Think about alright. Let's do, let's screw the calls. Let's, let's do a little news. Shall we, Allison Rosen? Yes. Let's The news with Allison Rosen. She'll read some news from her. I've had some times as good, sometimes as bad. Allison. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it up with Zip and Cookie. I'm gonna be signing my book, by the way, around the country in Virginia and DC and Minneapolis and, in Illinois as well. Also gonna be doing a show in, Virginia coming up May, 21st. I'm not sure where, but you go to Adam Carolla dot com. We're doing a bunch of shows. I'm doing a bunch of book signings and some shows. So, if you wanna see me coming to a town near you, now would be an opportune time. Alright. Where were we? Wildfires. Oh. All sorts of Wildfires. I wanna hear that reaction again. Wildfires. Live. Wildfires. All sorts of wildfires are raging in San Diego County. Almost 10,000 acres, have burned. 3 dozen were burning overnight as of now, although this could change. I heard 8. I think I might have also heard 3. Can I suggest, I've I've done it before, but the f**king acre thing? Yeah. Can we can we do football fields? Paints a good picture. You you know what I mean? If somebody said, you know, there's a a 100,000 football fields on fire. You go, alright. Because they go, it's a 52,000 acre fire, and it's like, that seems big. Is that bigger or smaller than Mel Gibson's place up in Malibu, or is it you know? Or sometimes people do that thing where they go, I own 41 acres outside Ojai, and you go, well, there you go. But you have no f**king idea what he's talking about. Yeah. Can we play volleyball in your backyard or can't we? Like, I don't know what I don't know what the f**king acre is. I I need they always they only give you acres. Miles is not gonna work. But we football fields, I feel like it's the number one sport. We stare could do. Yeah. We stare at the but we stare at that grid all all, you know, for 6 months out of the year. Let's just make it a football field. We could work that out. Alright. Canadian Alright. Someone do the acres in the football fields. Uh-huh. That's gonna be Gary. Okay. Gary, you're gonna you're gonna do that. I'm going let me, Gary, let me see if I can figure it out just for just for just for, s**ts and, s**ts and giggles. Alright? So it's, 50. So let's say a 150, and then, you guys go go about your business, and we'll figure this I'll figure this one out. Alright. Well, here's what I wanna say. s**ts and giggles don't normally go together You're right. Unless something happens wrong. Yeah. This is a really good s**t. Yeah. Bad place to have your 2 year old twin's birthday party, by the way. Whose idea was it? Alright. So, let's see. 3 times of 413,000. Oh, f**k it. I'm just This is amazing. I'm just gonna picture it in my head and guess and say that it would be about 20 acres. No. A lot more. According to what I'm finding, 1 acre equals, 75% of a football field. No. Oh, s**t. Maybe it does. Yeah. If it's 43,000 Yeah. It's 43,000 square feet? It's yeah. We I think it was 40 I think it's 43,000 square yards. Is that what it says? No. No. It's 40, an acre is, like, 43,000 square feet. Right. That's correct. And then football field is let's see here. Alright. Well, we'll keep going. 4,800 square yards. We'll convert that into feet for you. Times times 3 basically go or cubed. s**t. I don't know. Yeah. So that's, a 129,000. Anyway, gigantic amount. Yeah. Sorry. A lot a lot a lot of, stuff burning in Exactly 3. Sorry. Okay. Alright. So it's 3 football fields. Three acres in a football field. Right? Because you just did 1 you said fine. He said 1 acre is 75% of a football field. Yeah. Mhmm. Wait. Wow. Wait. 43,000 square feet in an acre. Is that correct? Yes. Alright. How many 30,000 square feet in a football field. No. 300 times 100. 300 yards. That's yards, though. 300 feet, which is a 100 yards Right. By a 100 feet, which is the width of a football field. 150. 150? Yeah. Okay. So you're still but you're still gonna be under what an acre is, just slightly. Right. They think it's an arsonist. Oh, really? Mhmm. They think it's an arsonist. Who's burning down those stadiums? Who's doing the math? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I heard a a thing that cracked me up earlier, which was the guy was explaining. So the thing about arsonists is that they get their self esteem from burning fires. How are we gonna deal with that? I don't I I don't know, but, these f**king guys should just this should be burnt at the stake, like, good news and bad news. You love fire. Right? Right. Good. You're gonna be set on fire. You could even let him set it in or her set them set the set it themselves. You're gonna die doing what you love doing other people's s**t. Yeah. And they had someone in custody, and they questioned them, and they had to let them go. So, so now I think that they're they're still investigating who might be doing this. But the thing is it's so dry out there. It's like Tinderbox Mhmm. Conditions. So Well, the good the good news is the football field is right about an acre. Right? Alright. So good. So that's the good news. We'll just we'll swap them out with just football fields from this point on, and it'll be fine. My grass is getting crispy because of the heat. Is there anything I can do about that? I I I'm going to put down pro lit cigarette. The, fake s**t. You know, the the fake gloves. The, the Synthetic stuff. Field turf or whatever? Yeah. Smart. Yeah. It looks good. It's better. Big deal. Yeah. No. They have stuff now that you can just roll out and do. Oh, really? Yeah. Grass is a big f**king pain in the a*s. It's really not meant. Mm-mm. It's it's not it's it's it's it's like it's like a purebred dog that was just never really meant that got over inbred and not meant to really function anymore. That's kind of it's like a bulldog. Yeah. We don't live in a place where we're supposed to have lawns. We've just decided we should have lawns. Really, all we have should have is gravel, cactus, dirt, and sofas out in the front depending on what neighborhood you're in. Not, honey. And that's that's about it. But we we're forcing the lawns on on us, and it doesn't it doesn't really work. And there's nothing that goes on except for it's a place where the dog s**ts. Well, that's now that I have a dog, I'm aware that all grass is covered in dog urine. Yes. All I don't I don't trust any patch of grass anymore. No. And then for some reason, when they get sick, they eat it. They're like, I'd like some of my urine soaked grass to consume because my belly doesn't feel good. Yeah. I know. I know. Dumb are dogs? Pretty dumb. Pretty great, though. Pretty great, but dumb. Like, right? Like, oh, my belly hurts. I'm gonna eat some grass with some of my piss on it. Yeah. I gotta stop doing that. Maybe that's just making your belly hurt. Yeah. I never fish out, use toilet paper from the toilet. No. Maybe I should. That's right. Make your make your belly feel better. For JD Salinger, dude, you drink pee every day. Right? That was his thing. He did? Yeah. I hate to be the guy who knows the drinking pee facts. Well, that's the kind of thing I should know. Catcher in the rye guy? Drink of when he was Really? Congrats. May maybe that was like an urban legend, but when he was like I saw the documentary. I didn't see that part. Yeah. I'd hate to that be my thing. Oh, yeah. Saint Germain. He's the guy who drinks his urine every day. I don't wanna be that guy. You know? Well, wait. Did that come out now? Else's. I don't know. It depends on the girl, I guess. What? You know, that woman Joyce who I wanna say Joyce Maynard, but it might it might not have been her last name, who wrote a she had sort of had an affair with him and wrote about it. I'm wondering it and talked about all his the weird things he did. I wonder if that came out in that. Maybe. I don't know. There was a fighter, a boxer. I think it was a Moschito. Right? No. Okay. Although it could be. Yeah. It could it was Antonio Barrera or some one of those guys, and he was fighting Mayweather. This is only, like, 2 years ago, and he drank his own urine, and then he got his a*s kicked. So to me, that's the number one argument not to do. 1 guy I he did an experiment. 1 guy drank Gatorade, the other guy drank his piss, and the guy drank the Gatorade 1. Yeah. So that to me meant stop drinking piss. I, yeah, used to have a bit about that. Like, you can't be, like, the 50 50 fighter and drink your own urine. You've gotta be undefeated. You you really do. Just doesn't like, it's just just stop drinking piss. Yeah. I'm trying to think, Gary, you can find I think it was Pereira. We'll figure we'll figure it out. But, he I know they fought money Mayweather about 2 years ago, pay per view. It was I was, like, HBO, you know, behind the scenes thing, and he was he was drinking his own wiz. So that's the argument against it. What's the argument for it? That's great. You're Less selling. Trapped on a f**king pallet that's set adrift in the Pacific Ocean, and you're not in a shipping lane. That's the argument for drinking your own piss. But when you're just in training camp or in the department, I would say no. And it's not much of an argument to be fair. Yeah. By the way, we give yogis way too much credit. Yeah. Like, first off, people are like, hey, man. Yogis do it. Well, first, what do they ever invent? What supermodel are they f**king? You never Saw the recent enlightenment. Big deal. They only fly commercial. You never see them with NetJets. And, well, I'm just saying, why are we looking up to these a*****es? They don't seem to they don't have a lot on their palate. No. It's like I wanna know what Mark Cuban drinks. It's like shriveled up woman women from far away that we want to know their beauty secrets. Right. Right. I I wanna I wanna know what, the what what the, Tesla guy I wanna know what, Elon Musk. What is he drinking? I shall drink that. The the guys trying to be quiet? The guys who, you know, they get up at 6 AM. They, you know, they sit in a lotus position for an hour, and then they don't talk to one another during breakfast, and then it's, off to, you know, sculpt some, bamboo or something, and then it's back to meditate again. I don't f**king need to know those guys' secrets. They're not doing anything. Essentially, they're wearing their pajamas almost the whole day. They're they're wearing you you know, they're not they're not not winning any wars, getting laid. All they are is flexible. Yeah. That's all they are is flexible. I don't I don't need that. It is Juan Manuel Marquez who drank his own urine. I think that's what I'm saying or some or I've seen Barrera. Okay. Yeah. Juan Manuel Marquez is the guy who drank his urine and then lost then lost. Yeah. And I would have said, you know what, Juan? You're not taking it far enough. You gotta start eating your own s**t for the next fight. You promise you stopped at urine. That's only the figure skating. That's a trap. That's brutal. Alright. What else? Alright. God. Should we talk about Hernandez or Sterling? Alright. Her oh, Hernandez. Let's talk about Aaron Hernandez. That that's breaking today. What's he doing? So former New England Patriot tight end Aaron Hernandez has been charged with 2 new murders. A Boston grand jury indicted him with killing Daniel Abreo and Sofiro Furtado, who were shot outside a Boston nightclub on July 16, 2012. He already faces murder charges for the death of Odin Lloyd, who was shot on June 17, 2013 near his home. And prosecutors have the murder reportedly have the murder weapon and can can sufficiently link it to Hernandez in the, death of the 2 guys. They don't have it for for Odin Lloyd, for that death. But and so now prosecutors have 2 opportunities to convict him for murder, and this is in addition to the weapons charges he faces, and charges for assaulting a fellow inmate. And the crimes happened in 2 different counties, so prosecutors from each county will determine whether he'll face 2 separate trials and if so, the timing of those trials. So it's not looking good for him. I don't like this part where we got the guy. This happens all the time where it's like, well, we got him in Boston, and he murdered this guy in Boston, and now he's in prison in Massachusetts. And then, uh-oh, something else went down in Mississippi 4 years earlier. Put him on an airplane, and I'm like, who's f**king paying for this s**t? And as long as he's gonna rot in Massachusetts, he he can't rot in Mississippi and Massachusetts at the same time, can he? Or when he dies, they can't ship his corpse to mass to, you know, Mississippi to rot. Like, well, he's in. He's good. It's good enough good enough for me. Or why can't can I ask this? Maybe it's a little naive, but, you know, they're hear me out. You know, they have dog groomers, and then they have mobile dog groomers. Mhmm. The van that pulls up to you. Why can't we just go to your prison cell and have the proceedings? You know what I mean? How many f**king how busy is it gotta be? This naive or is this selfish for when you end up in there? I'm just saying, I don't wanna pay for this guy being transported. I saw Con Air, by the way, like, 28 times. I know there's a lot that can go wrong in the air. A lot. Just couple things I learned from that movie. A lot can go wrong when it comes to transporting prisoners, number 1. And if you're a super snarky FBI dickhead and you announce that that Corvette is your baby and we see a scene of you polishing it with your sleeve before you walk in and yell at John Cusack, that car is gonna be destroyed beyond repair. If you're an evil Dean or any of that, don't f**king say how much you love your car. Underplay that for sure. I everyone asked me about my cars. I go, that old f**king junker? I wish a f**king grand piano would land on. I wish I wish if Cuzak would hook that thing up to a tow line and a c one thirty would drag it across the desert. I wish. I wish it would fly out of an open plane. I wish. I wish. That's right. Well, these crimes are in Suffolk County and Bristol County, both in Massachusetts. Okay. Good. So I I don't know those that far away. You can take the bus. But this now suggests a motivation for the killing of Odin Lloyd, which apparently they didn't really have a motivation before. Mhmm. It it looks as if possibly Odin Lloyd might have known something about these other murders, so that's why he was killed. I wonder if, I wonder if, Tom Brady visits him, and he just, like, walks in and goes, yeah, man. How's it? Oh, and then he checks his watch. He's like, oh, f**k. I gotta I gotta bang Giselle Bunchin'. I gotta I gotta roll. You'll have been here for 10 minutes. Yeah. She's doing a Victoria's Secret shoot. We were catching up. I mean, you were Yeah. Well, as long as I can catching, I gotta break in a new tight end. Speaking of tight ends, I gotta get balls deep in Giselle. Anyway, fun. Tell Gronk I said hi and Yeah. Yeah. I'll see you next week. Coach Belichick. I gotta bang Giselle. Ask about me? She gets Enough about Giselle. Start on herself with a vibrator if I don't get there in time. Thanks for the image. I'm gonna use that. Okay. Have fun. Yeah. Sad. I love when people do this, like, when someone murders someone and they, he had it all and he threw it away as opposed to just murdering someone and going, well, what are you gonna do? Yeah. He was making $11 an hour, so I could see why he could use murder. He was living in a pretty bad apartment, so I understand. He's driving a Camry with a cloth interior, so it makes sense that he would take a life. Right. But this guy, he was making good cash. How could people do that? Like, oh, yeah. Now oh, I see. Makes sense that people that were, you know, making under $50,000 a year could murder somebody. That's gonna do whatever. Yeah. You do whatever. You're not throwing anything away. Right. As if about 20,000 is what stands between all of us and murder. Yeah. There's the there's 2 versions. There's the he murdered the guy for the $18 that was in his pocket, and there's there's the victim one. My god. Such so senseless. And then there was he had a $20,000,000 contract, and he was, pro bowler and throwing it all away. It just goes to show that murder isn't really one of those things that people sort out. They kind of do it. Thank you. Anyway, don't be missed. You know anyone capable of murder? Do you think everyone is capable of it? Yes. You do? We have a friend who the rest of our friends joke about. If any of our friends is gonna commit a murder, we all agree it'll be this one person. Mhmm. Because he's prone to It's never that one person, though. It's the one that you don't suspect. Well, if that happens, I'll let you know. But but we all suspect it'll be the one person. It's that guy too. What is it about him? He flies off the handle very easily about little things. I laugh because he hasn't killed anyone yet that I know of. Mhmm. But it might happen. Mhmm. Good guy, though. Violent? No. Or just has a temper? Yes. Loses it, over little things. His name's Catamorola. No. It's not. I, I don't know. I I'm trying to think of who Anderson? I'm trying to think of who I think you'd have to, I think, I I mean, you know, you'd have to kill them in your car. I mean, if we're just we're we're talking about, like, cold, like, cold blooded kinda thing, like, anybody, and I don't think I don't think I know that person. I'm not sure. You never know. I mean I mean, what happens? They rape your daughter or something, and then you kill them, like, that kind of stuff? Oh, I I I don't know. It's I I hadn't thought that far. I'm just wondering how hard it is to get someone to do this act that just seems so aberrant. Well, the scary part is is as long as we're talking about the murder in NFL, I think it was Ray Carruth. Mhmm. He was able to get his young, pregnant girlfriend murdered just by talking to a guy Yeah. And going, you know, hey. 2,000 up front and then another 2,000, you know, after you shoot her. And and he was like, which one is she? Well, she's the pregnant one who's 22. Oh, okay. How are we gonna work this out? Who's gonna go down a dirt road, and then I'll stop my car in front of her, and then you get out of your car, and then you unload a clip into her pregnant ass, and then, that'll be that. Oh, okay. That that part is the scariest part of life, the part where you can just find strangers. I just wanna gauge your interest in murder. Right. Yeah. Yeah. To me, the Menendez brothers, I don't give a s**t about. Their parents obviously did something horrible to them, and then they decided it'd be a good idea to give them the shotgun. This guy, the scarier guy, because he doesn't even have a f**king dog in this fight, he just needs $4 or $4 sounds like a lot of money to just off a pregnant chick. There's no country for old men, guys. You know? There's chicken types. They're they're around. Yeah. I don't know what's scarier, the him or the Ray Carruth one who's like, well, let's see. I got my pregnant girlfriend. We're gonna go watch a movie. Then I'm gonna take her back to my place and have sex with her, and then I'll follow her over to her place, and then that's where you jump in and shoot her in my unborn child. Okay? Alrighty. Jeez. That that's the what the most chilling. They can just completely cold blooded, no value for life type s**t. It really want it makes you wanna pull their parents aside. I just wanna do a show maybe hosted by Howie Mandel called nice job where we go, okay. Here's what your son decided to do. He was 5 years into the NFL. Yeah. He had a lucrative contract. He had everything going for him. He had everything going for him. He probably made the Pro Bowl. He was banging a 22 year old. He did not use protection. She got pregnant, and he hired this dude to shoot not only her, but the unborn child. Your son thought this would be a fine idea. And then the whole audience goes, nice job. Is it the catchphrase? It wants. If we give them a chance you know what I mean? Like, we put them, we put them in on a, like, what, trapdoor, and, underneath it is a bunch of crocodiles that were not fed for a month and infected with the AIDS virus. Yeah. I'm upping the ante. Pretty bad. And then how he leans against the big In case they make it out of there, then they'll have AIDS. Have AIDS as they get digested. Hey, man. I'm on a roll. So if you have better ideas but instead, you just sit and snipe at my ideas. No. No. No. Your own ideas. To make fun of my ideas. AIDS crocodiles. Okay. Thank you. And Howie just sort of leans against a long lever with a big red ball on it, and we let him talk a little bit. You know? And we're we're willing to hear what they have to say. You know? The you know, the when the doctor took him out, he used tongs and, his umbilical cord got wrapped around his brain, and that part that's used to make decisions was strangled. You know, didn't get oxygen for the 1st month or something like that. And then how he'd kinda kinda take his hand, slide his hand off the lever. That's a good idea. Mean? Yeah. But then you'd start going but then you'd get the guy who was kinda defined. It was like, hey, man. Yeah. I whooped him, and I'd whoop him again. I mean, then I see his hand go back up onto the lever, you know, in the audience. You know? Yeah. I'd watch that show. Well, it was like Ted Bundy's parents, were apparently normal. That's the scary thing. Yeah. And Ted Bundy. Yeah. Jeffrey Dahmer, the guy who ate people. Right. Sorry. I'm so sorry, audience. I I and I don't know, like, how does that line of questioning go, like, when you're talking to Dahmer's dad? So have you ever eaten anybody at all? To best of my recollection, no eating of people. Not even smaller parts like fingers and toes? I'm I'm really racking my brain here, and I'm just gonna say no again. So, like, when he was a child Mhmm. Would you ever just, like, let's say, for snack and earlobes? I I honey, did we ever give her a jacket earlobes? No. You know what? I'm sorry. I'm not interested in what she I'm asking you. Okay. Well, again, I I can't I can't recall that at all. I'm a say no. I'm a stick with no. How about Flintstone chewables? Because those are human beings. Oh, wow. You think that might have been the thing? Howie grabbed the grabbed the lever. Nice job. Maybe he ate too many Flintstone chewables. He was like, hey. f**king Barney. Not bad. He bit the head off of him. Alright. Speaking of chewables, NatureBox, baby. Oh, you wanna snack? Let's snack smart. Summer's coming. You wanna get in good shape. You don't wanna eat all that crap that's in the vending machine. Try naturebox.com. I'd like to try them, but every time they drop off a box of their delectable snacks, Maxapata just he he crawls into it. He tunnels into the box. He's open in the back. Yeah. He's he he chews. I've seen the backs back of the box completely chewed out like Max's data. Eats everything in the box and leaves it back in place. You don't even know he's in there. So destructive. Yeah. Nature box. Oh, barbecue kettle kernels and everything bagel sticks, South Pacific plantain chips, over a 100 more, 0 trans fats, no high fructose corn syrup, and nothing artificial, plus free shipping in the US. So wherever you are, they'll bring it to you. Try NatureBox right now. Get 50% off your first box. Go to naturebox.comforward/adam. You gotta tell them you heard it here, so you get 50% off. These guys are great. The snacks are unbelievable, and they're good for you. So let's stay full. Let's stay strong. Naturebox.com /adam. Alright. Let's see one more. What do we got? Alright. Well, there's so much Donald Sterling news. Hold on. Carruth is getting out in 2,018 or so they Really? By the way, he's not gonna be old because he wasn't old when he went in. I mean Come back. Right. He used death in the secondary. Fresh legs. That's right. Yeah. I mean, it it's the way our legal system works where it's f**king r****ded. I it drives me nuts where they're like, well, he didn't actually squeeze the trigger. Okay. Did Hitler corral the Jews himself, or was it just kinda his idea? Like, you hired a f**king guy. You stopped your car short, and that guy unloaded a clip into the pregnant gal. That's not enough? Well, he didn't squeeze the trigger. So it can't be like, really? That's actually something about Hernandez in Massachusetts. You don't have to be the one who pulled the trigger to get murder. So They do got that right over there. Yeah. He just found found guilty for conspiracy to commit murder, not committing the murder part because he just kinda sat in his car while the other guy did squeezing of the tree. Wonder what state it was because in California, Charles Manson got, you know, Mike for ordering the murders. Yeah. He didn't he didn't go on any runs himself. He was, He also killed someone beforehand. Right? Like, when he was, like, really younger or something? Manson? Yeah. But did factor into his, you know, lair. I don't know if that was his 2 story. North Carolina. Alright. I guess it's a right to kill people without getting murder state. Where were we? Donald Sterling. Oh, Sterling. Yeah. Have you seen any of the interview that he gave on Anderson Cooper? And then the following night, Magic Johnson was interviewed by Anderson Cooper to respond. And meanwhile and then there's Shelley Sterling being interviewed. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I mean, it's so we what I was saying is maybe he's doing a thing where he's trying to show everyone he's got dementia by going, clinger for MASH on everyone's a*s. Like, being so crazy that you go like like, uncle, junior or whatever on the sopranos. Like like like, hey, man. You can't you can't you you you can't charge me of this. I'm nuts. I am wondering if how much he really does have dementia. I mean, he claims that he doesn't well, first of all, remember we said that she claims that he knew he was being recorded and that she was his archivist. He said that he doesn't even like, what's an archivist? Why would I need that? He had no idea that he was being taped. He had no idea. He doesn't know how she got him to say those things. And it at first, I I think there's I don't know. There's something almost believable about it. Well, he's 82, and he dyes his hair kooky color, which always means dementia. Or certainly None of his right mind. Yes. I I think it's I think it's Is he crazy, though, or crazy like a fox? Well because he does have a history of the he thinks that People do this thing where they go, well, the guy, you know, the guy then took you know, runaways, murdered them, and had sex with their corpses, and then everyone going, he's pleading insanity, but we're not buying it. It's like, I buy it through the act. You know what I mean? You could almost say in a in a in a way the act of racism is sort of crazy or it means you're not at least right in the f**king brain. Right. I guess I'm saying is he legally insane. I mean, when he claims that she baited him and got him to say these things and that he doesn't remember saying it and then he had no you know, is he lying because he wants us to think that he's the this infirm old man, or is does he really not remember it? I don't know, but I can I tell you who the happiest man in America is? Who? Michael Richards. He's just sitting home, f**king petting his tabby going, you go, girl. This is awesome. Please talk to Anderson Cooper again. Is your place? The second half is this Jackie Jesse Jackson. Right. Another apology tour is coming. Oh, yeah. This baby good. So we have a little clip. This is Magic or or Sterling? We have both. First, it's Sterling because, you know, he started out by saying that he wanted to apologize, and he also explained that he was foolish and he loved her. And now he, you know, he doesn't know if she ever had feelings for him and maybe he was deluding himself. And that he was jealous. He was jealous of her bringing black players because that you know, she had described them as black, but they were, you know, guys that she wanted to date or he he didn't want her to be seen with other guys. It wasn't about them being black. And so but then things took a an even worse turn when he started talking about Magic Johnson. And here he is. He's ex for he says that Magic Johnson called him, and told him to, like, lay low, don't say anything, I'll help you, but then changed his mind. So he's sorta the the reason we clipped it this way, there's there's something that explains why he is kind of angry at Magic Johnson at the beginning. He lulled me into waiting a week. Do you know what I mean? He said, don't do anything. He told you you're saying he told you not to say anything? Yeah. Don't do any I know the girl. Don't do anything. I'll I'll help you. I'm waiting and I'm waiting and I'm waiting. What you're saying is Magic Johnson called you up or you called him up. I don't know his phone number. He called me. You up. When when the tape I don't call anybody. He called you up. Loyal to you. He he called you up when the tape came out and he told you not to say anything. Why did he say don't say anything? He just said wait. Be patient. I'll help you. We'll we'll work it out. Why do you think he said that? I think he wanted me to just do nothing so he could buy the team. He thought maybe the whole thing would be resolved in 2 weeks. Well, what has he done? Can you tell me? Big Magic Johnson, what has he done? Well, yes. He's a business person. He He's got AIDS. Did he do any business? I like See. Can he help me? My crocodiles with AIDS was a bad idea, but this is a good interview? What is happening? You're all over the road, Allison. Sex with every girl. This is crazy. Catches HIV and is that someone we wanna Catches. Respect and and tell our kids about? Oof. Anderson, you know, it's not like he's one of those homos out getting AIDS. He got it the right way. But either way, you know what I'm saying. Oh my god. There was this other moment where he says to Anderson he's like, you know what it is when you like a girl and she doesn't call you back or something like that. Yeah. My mom. Exactly what you mean. Trudy. Trudy. So that second part Judy Cooper. Where he's talking about There's a light. It's a perfect name for some reason. Yeah. Anderson, as the whitest man on the planet, can I talk s**t about the blackest man on the planet for just a minute? Can you agree with me? So that part about Magic Johnson, that the sound bite, that part, everyone has been playing. But the lead in to it where he explains that he felt, you know, duped by by Johnson, that one hasn't gotten as much play. However, Magic Johnson says that, no. He never called him. On the contrary, Sterling called Johnson and wanted Magic Johnson or Matt, I'm gonna call him Magic. Sterling called Magic Johnson and wanted him to sit in on an interview with him. But so, anyway, now we have a clip of Magic Johnson. Okay. Here we go. Interview is sad. It really is. I'm a I'm a pray for this young man. I hope Donald, can see the mistake that he has made and also the people he have hurt along the way. And then what's really sad, he you know, it's not about me. This is about the woman you love outing you and taping you and putting your and and putting your conversation out here for everybody to know. That wasn't me. I didn't do that. I don't know this young lady. This is between you 2. But then he wants to include me, and I'm not included in this situation. And then he wants to, you know, ask me what I've done, you know, in in the minority community. That's well documented what I've done. By the way, do you ever think there's a part when they go, I I I pray for him. I pray for an anvil to fall on his f**king head. Like Right. What's the what I prayed for. I did not say what I was praying for. That's right. Yeah. I'll bet you a $1,000,000 Harris. He does that. Hey. I do. I'm putting all the let's shake on it. Wow. Alright. Bring it home, baby girl. That's the news. I'm Allison Rosenzibatc**t. Sorry to be a boner killer here. That was the news with Alison Rosen. Alright. My book available on Amazon. Click on through and bookmark it. Brian's book available as well. Click on through and bookmark it, and thank you in advance. Dan Saint Germain, Bad at the Good Times. It's available on Amazon coming up June 10th, and, the podcast, My Dumb Friends, every Tuesday on iTunes. Thanks for supporting us and fund anything.comforward/patrols. We'll continue the fight, and until next time. This is Adam for Dan and Allison and Bald, San. And Chaz. Oh, and Chaz. What'd you put up there, Gary? Alright. Saiyan, Mahalo. Woah. Boner. Alright. That is the Freddy Scroll of Classics. Tune in tomorrow for the Sunday episode. Until then, mahalo and get it off. Pluto TV is the place for movie fans like me. And TV fans like me. They've got something for everyone, and it's totally free. You can binge laugh out loud sitcoms like Frasier. And rewatch cult classics like higher learning. Whether you're in the mood to solve a little crime before bedtime with NCIS or Tracker. Or curl up with a surefire hit like Forrest Gump. Run, Morris. Pluto TV has 1,000 of movies and shows all for free. Pluto TV. Stream now. Pay never.