Transcript
Did you know National Lottery players raise over four million euro for good causes every week for good causes like Bat Rehabilitation Ireland, who have been on my radar for ages? Sorry, couldn't resist. Thanks to National Lottery good causes funding, they safeguard Ireland's endangered wildlife, including injured bats who they nurture back to nature. Pretty incredible this step as you make this possible. And with entries now open for the National Lottery Good Causes Awards 2024, visit lottery drawing to apply and build on the fantastic work you do in your community. The National Lottery support responsibly figures based on 2022 Financial. Welcome, Carol Classics, I'm your host, superfan, Giovanni is the podcast we play the best moments, highlights and fans looked at clips from all 15 years, the Adam Carolla show. If you can't get enough of this podcast, we have a separate podcast feed titled Cruel Classics. Make sure to subscribe. New episode Every Sunday, we also have YouTube Channel YouTube.com slash Adam Cruel Corner. Subscribe, watch some clips, and if you like to request the clip, please email us classics and Adam Carolla dot com. So last week in the intro, I mentioned that we cannot play any love line or Kayla sex clips, and it was immediately bombarded the total request for love, light and cable sex clips, with people specifically saying, Hey, this moment from Love Line. So either people were ever with me or people didn't hear the intro. If you want Love Line or Kayla Sex Adam Carolla show, the only place you can get that is off of PodcastOne. So go to patron.com/ Giovanni and you'll find out more information there. All of it's available on the internet for free. He was the patron. We're tree. Check it out ! Back to the modern Adam Carolla show from 2009 to present day, the clips we can play come up first. We have Adam Carolla show three of four featuring Olivia Munn Melissa Libyas only appearance on the podcast. She's in the news right now with her breast cancer diagnosis and surgery, and her post sharing all the details with the world. It's kind of a big deal. This episode from 2010. This is what Olivia was transitioning from G4 and hosting two acting roles before playing the definitive on screen sidewalk in X-Men Apocalypse. Episode three or four premiere 22 episodes away from the format switch. This is a one on one. Adam Carolla. Olivia Munn The only time it's ever happened. Check it out. Welcome to the podcast, Olivia Munn. Olivia is the co-host of Attacking the show on G4, also as a pilot coming up on NBC. We'll see if that hits the air because I always want to preface my pilot talk with it doesn't necessarily mean you're going to see the pilot. Yeah. Also named one of the 100 sexiest women from Maxim and Feature magazine, by the way. Quick plug for us. We're going to be at the Hollywood Improv Saturday night doing two shows, so if you want to come out and see the podcast live and see Donny weave his magic on the computer and me on stage will be the Hollywood Improv tonight, or I should say, Saturday night for two shows. All right, Olivia, what's happening, my dear? Just hanging out, coughing up a lung. What's going on? Perky Lois's. I have no idea. That I've been going nonstop. Like, I just haven't really slept and I've been sleeping. No, because I've got well. The talk of the show is they've had the big epic. April then started shooting the NBC pilot for the couples and then camera pilot single camera with them. I have a single camera pilot on NBC as well, so I guess we'll be going against each other on that corkboard. Or maybe they go, these people are just so great together, and then we just right there next to each other. We're Thursday night comedy lineup. How about that? Yes. Like where they go. Oh, Adam Show and Olivia Show complement each other so well that Adam will be the lead in Yes. And then Olivia. And then you'll help me get more of that audience and then keep it on. Who's in perfect couples, myself? Hayes McGorry. A lot of actually comedians that. And just like true-blue actors, which is why I love that they're not. There's no big name. You name me, people. So you can really just get to know the characters that it's Hayes MacArthur, Mary Elizabeth Ellis, Christine Wood, Kyle Howard and myself. And you guys all play couples. It's like, I'm living where I'm in Oregon, which you just found out the other day and you're like, Finally, where do we live now? Because it's like we're we're three different couples and we're we're all very dysfunctional in our own way. And so there's one couple that's like they have sex and they fight all the time. And then they tell a couple of things that they're really perfect, but really that they're not. And then there's my couple. That's the seemingly perfect couple that's like, I call, I call my couple the what's wrong with America couple. Like, we spend way too much money like more than we have. We live on potential, right? Anything for. I live on potential, but love on now. Yeah, Logan and a futon. And then you just go, Oh, well, we can't afford to send it back. Well, when do you start shooting? I start on Friday and I just saw somebody sent me online. There's paparazzi shots from me on like, like on location that day, and I'm probably checking emails from like people that are making, Oh yeah, so I'm angry and scowling. I'm thinking, Oh, and I didn't know they were there. There's like, you know, so many pictures. I'm just me, like, just angry. And I kind of have like a shallow hal face. I think I can. On one side, I'm like, Oh, from this angle, I look nice. And from this side, it's like, What's wrong with her? So then they seem to catch me from every angle. So then I was like, s**t. Now I have to think about people with cameras. Yeah, I've done that a few times and thankfully I have my sunglasses on. Well, you know, it is. It's so weird. I mean, you know, you're lucky you don't have balls because and I don't mean balls figuratively. I mean literally, which is, you know, you get out of your car and your underwear is riding up your a*s and your balls are like on the wrong side on one side and you try to do that movie where you like, pull down and pull out, like, Yeah, I did that. Celebrity Grand Prix last weekend. And you know, they put you in the back of a tundra pickup truck and they take you to your car. And then when you get into your car, you're in front of twenty thousand people in the grandstands and everyone's got a camera and stuff. And as I was getting out of my car, I'm wearing a fire suit, my underpants as like, crawl up my ass, you know? And once you get into the car and you get in your harness and everything, you don't get an opportunity to get your underpants out of your a*s anymore. So you have to do it and then you have pictures of you standing there, but you're standing in the middle of a straight away with cameras everywhere. Why don't you wear those like biker shorts with the padding? I was wearing the biker with the like the football players where they have the paddocks everything's kind of should have done. I was wearing the biker shorts with a heavy dusting of talcum that I come down the front to stay fresh in my fire suit. But I still got the biker short in the a*s with a nut on the wrong side and had to do that pull down move that I got a lot of pictures of you everywhere with the pull down. No, I don't think there's there's not pictures of me because I'm a dude and I'm ugly. Nobody cares. But the point is is I got out of the Thunder truck and I was getting ready to get into my car and I thought, these underwear are in my ass, and I got to figure out a way to get them out of my a*s without everyone seeing me get them out of my a*s. And I don't know if someone. Took a picture and did something. What did you do, you have a nice menu, would you have like one of those? Spare the legs out and kind of like, wiggle it out and kind of just do it in that kind of adjusting and, yeah, weird movement. It's a version of when you would raise your hand in class and then realize you didn't have the answer and then fix your hair. It's like starting down one path and then changing directions halfway. And I start down that boy to my my thigh really itches and then it goes into a quick grab. You got to grab the bottom of the underpants and do a weird a*s pull out move. You know where you kind of. Yeah, yeah. Now sits six a muscle strain. The point? It's a great workout. The point is this it's insane that there's a camera everywhere. And if you're a celebrity, you can't pick your nose because I was just going to get a picture of it. And then it's going to end up on TMZ. And by the way, they're not just going to let it go. They're going to have arrows pointing to those and they're going to have the finger and the sound effect. But even even then, to me, like doing something that we all kind of do and whatever like you kind of laugh like, Oh, that's funny. That's kind of embarrassing. But like, I seem to be like, sometimes not only like these from the other day, I'm like, Why do I seem to like, look so miserable? And I'm actually having a really great time. Sometimes I make a lot of really big facial expressions, and sometimes I just look like I'm just like, Have a little bit of Asperger's. Just a guess. I'm like, Yeah, just a hint of it. So when somebody looks at me, I just have this like, really horrible look on my face. Well, what is your nationality? I'm half Chinese and then German Irish on the other side. Oh, really? Wow. Strong, strong. Yeah, it's good. What are you? Half Italian and half whatever? White, white? Yeah, just, I don't know, English and we live. We we we live near each other. I think that we should. We should go on walks. Yeah. And we should, you know, have like potlucks and yeah, and block parties. Potluck. What's your dad's name? Yeah, we should. We should get together. We should walk. We should have a potluck and block parties. We should block parties. I should come over like for like big fights when you buy the pay per view. Yes, we why would I buy? Because it would save me fifty nine dollars if you bought the pay per view. There's a weird pay per view thing. I don't know. I don't know how you were raised. I don't know if your parents had money or military. No military. All right, so. So you have a little bit of a poor person mentality or not. I have like, you know, in the middle, like I'll get if I want it, but I don't need to. I will happily spend. Well, so did you grow up with money or no money? No. So then you spend way too much because you never had. I have this weird thing where I will spend three hundred thousand dollars on an automobile, but I won't spend forty nine ninety five on a pay per view fight unless there's going to be a bunch of people watching it at my house. Are you one of those people that makes people pay you when you when they come to the house? Well, like everybody put in five bucks for pizza and Pay-Per-View because you, Adam Carolla, need it as you as you pull up in your $300 car. No, but I I charge you come into my house anyway, so it covers pay per view and snacks and toilet use and things like that. No, I'm just saying I would never if if I wanted to watch, you don't find entertainment for yourself, like I would never just do it for myself now. I would happily pay for it and have ten other people come in the house and watch it, thus making it five dollars ahead, even though I would never collect the money from those people. But somehow I would justify paying the fifty dollars if 10 other sets of eyeballs, right? I get like, You don't splurge really on yourself unless it's something that's so rare or great, like like the car. Well, the car is like, I think of it as an investment, like my kids can sell it and go to what kind of car is it gone? Well, this particular one would probably be a Lamborghini. Don't depreciate. Don't like cars that appreciate newer ones. Appreciate the depreciate. Oh, here's an old one. Appreciate. For the most part, I have that thing where I'm like, I don't. I would never spend fifty bucks for myself to watch nothing, but only recently with a little bit more money. I started doing getting more shoes and purses. And then I watched pay per view in the hotels I'm in, like, if I'm there and oh yeah, like I'll watch. Like, I'll watch like four movies. And like, if I don't like it, I'll move on. Like, I feel like very glamorous. I do that. Like, I'm throwing money. That's like 60 bucks. Yeah, there's a lot of I mean, it's like ten, fifteen dollars a movie. Yeah. So I do that that I never do that and I'm always scared to get stuff out of the mini bar. Oh, I won't do the minibar just because I don't mind paying for things. I just don't like somebody gouging you. Yes, it's the you know what I hate or I can't say that's when the when you do room service and they come and there's a there's two different fees. There's the charge for the guy who cut the service charge and then there's a cleanup charge. They give you so they already tip themselves, and they put on an extra amount to come and clean it out, and then they have an extra line for you, insert and then you feel like a douche bag. I'm like, Yeah, so do I. Then you have to do the questioning, which is, so do you ready to tip? And then they go, Oh, you know, that's where you can add more. Why would I want to give you? You already gave us some twenty five dollars to come up here. Well, here's OK. Thank you. Now I'm pissed because a couple of things you've already paid 16 dollars and 95 cents for a club sandwich. So the gouging has already begun. Number one number two, it's called a f**king gratuity. It should be optional based on. And look, we're all decent folks, and we're affluent enough to stay in a decent hotel. So there's a very good chance you're going to get a nice tip. But please let that be our idea. And by the way, it takes away from the spirit of it when you make it mandatory. I like the idea of saying, here's $10. You seem like a nice kid rather than you've already removed 18 percent from that. Whatever, it's a gratuity. And I'm sure if you looked up the word gratuity, some and some place option would come in there when they charge 18 percent, and that's tacked on to it. That's called a tax or a tear. It's not a gratuity. It's not a tip. It's just a tax. The nine percent that the city gets is not an optional gratuity. It's a tax. This is now a tax. Your sandwich costs sixteen dollars plus 18 percent gratuity, plus nine and a half percent. Sales tax has nothing to do with the way you feel. No, I had a friend of mine tell me just today, just an hour ago, he went out and ate at a restaurant the other night with like four or five other couples. For other couples, so there was eight people sitting at the table. And because everyone is poor and I'm guessing cheap, they all just got their own bill, which I didn't want to pass judgment on because I was poor my whole life. And I hated that thing where I went out to the restaurant, had the dinner salad and they iced tea and the a*****e next to me had nine Heineken's and the surf and turf. And then they do that. Well, let's see. Five hundred bucks split up six ways. I guess about 90 bucks a person. You're like, Dude, you do had nine Heineken's and I had an iced tea. You should be kicking in more than me. But when I was poor, that's the way I thought. So everyone got their own bill. Does that bother you? No. What? Well, everything bothers me. That doesn't bother me. What bothers me is because it was a group larger than six. They tacked on the mandatory gratuity even though everyone had their own bill. So it was like it was like four couples all sitting next to each other at separate tables, getting their own bill. But it was a group of more than six. So they f**king did that take on thing. And by the way, shouldn't that be legal? And then the other thing is when they do that tack on things six or more parties, I think you know what, actually, I probably maybe give you more. But since you did this new this and this is it. Call it a day. I absolutely agree. And why this? I absolutely should be legal, because here's the thing like they do a thing where they go. Well, sometimes when you have a big bill that comes to like five or six or eight thousand dollars or eight hundred dollars are people can get stiffed. Well, let's examine that your people, you have a hot twenty one year old actress slash model and model actress, which I refer to as a mattress, probably dating some producer who's got a GED and is pecking away at some degree at junior college. Does that b***h really deserve sixty five dollars an hour? I mean, she needs to get paid when an optometrist gets paid. You're f**king 19 and you're hot. You were, you know, Miss Tropicana two years ago how much you need to average. And OK, so it's a nice restaurant and there's nine people and they order a couple of bottles of wine. And let's say you only get 10 percent. You're still walking away with 90 bucks for the two hours work you spent at this table and you're not reporting it to the government and you're working on three other tables simultaneously. You can't walk out of there with three hundred bucks cash. Like what do you mean? You're getting stiff because nothing is ever enough, like it's going to get there. And then it's the same mentality of people who the same, especially in L.A. the the some waiters or bartenders or the door people who f**king like go home to a studio apartment that they share with, like three other people. But this one f**king moment in their life, they're sitting there judging you and how you pay and how, what, what you buy and they know the worst. I think it's the worst. If you're on a date and you get a bottle and you're like, Oh, can we get a bottle? Or how about or we're looking for a good bottle? And then the waiter goes, Well, what price range are you looking at? I mean, I think that's the worse thing to say to a guy like, I'm sitting there right in front of them and like, What do you do like the guy would be like, Oh yeah, too much martyr. It's like, What do you say? The guy is going to f**king gouge you and then just cause it's one hundred. It's a mess. Yeah, it's that I'm always, I would say, bring me your finest box of why I think that, you know, and I think that there's there's box line sets the other day box wine. And we have juice boxes. I would love there was like juice box wines, like you said, with a straw in the back. We just f**king throw that in there and just walk around the Pacific thing and be great. There was like a little small travel boxes of wine. As a matter of fact, those things are like six, seven, eight ounces, like one of those boxes. Probably perfect. You know, one of those boxes is probably like a glass and a half of wine, like a nice wine gla*s. Plus another spill or two. Not enough to be over the legal limit, but just enough to up a nice buzz at the mall at the recital. You know what I mean? Like, it's like, Well, what I'm saying is is you're going to find out one day that you're going to get dragged to a bunch of s**t. Kids are doing that. You have no real interest and that they'll never remember. Why do you do do it? Why do you do it? Do you really care? No, I don't care because your wife makes you go like I. But yes, here's what it is. Here's what it is they say your wife will tell you or your partner will tell you it's important to. It'll be important to the kids, but it's not important to the kids because they don't really remember. It's important to the other adults whose kids are at school that you don't look like a derelict dad. See what I'm saying? But then why does it matter what they think of you? You know what? Maybe they thought you were doing like dad. Maybe they'd all be nicer to your children. Your children go up. I mean, like, you know, feeling like everyone loved them. Like, Dad, I'll put a shiv in you because, you know, maybe they're people always. Maybe the teachers are always giving him, you know, a little extra, you know, little extra, you know? It's more it's really it's it's you evidently seem to be wired like a man, which is always a turn on, especially when you look like a really good woman. So that's what you want, but there's definitely an element of luck. Here's what you need to do. And it's kind of this parenting. It's the equivalent of the parsley by the side of the plate. Nobody eats it. Nobody wants it. You just put it there like meaning you don't need to go to this thing, but it's what a good parent would do. You know what I'm saying? I get I'm like in this whole other but the booze box. OK. That would turn me around. I think that we should. I mean, it's not that hard to make fun if we already have the boxes and we have the booze. Right? Well, we see the brand it and put it out there. And I say we sell at Costco. Everyone loves Costco. Well, the thing is is the box is like I said, those juice boxes. I'm just weighing one in my hand. I'm just kind of looking. I'm picturing emptying one into a wine goblet, and I picture it overflowing just a little bit like that. Be a little more than a nice glass of wine, which is something you always want to. That's all you need is one of the one in your pocket, you know, case in case the recital goes along or the graduation goes. You have that little straw that's pointy on one end with the little accordion things. You can bend it. People think you're just drinking grape punch. There's no stigma that we brand it like when you when you mail pornography and it shows up at your doorstep, it's not like, Hey, look at me. It's just sort of, oh yeah, it's just sort of people just have like like grapes on the front grapes. We're not lying. No, it's fermented grapes. But it's great. It's not. It's purple. It's a don't use it as grapes on it. Adult juice. And you just sit there and again, it nobody. You know, it's a lot like those safes. They have that look like cleanser bottles, except for your unscrewed the bottom. Yeah. And you put the money in there. It looks like something else. So I go to your house. That's what I like right in place. All your friends are bottles. Yeah, right? In plain view. Yeah. So you could just sit there with your little Jew and your people think it's cute? I'll tell you the problem. What there will there's there's a little liability, which is later. No. One of the kids is going to get hold of this thing. You're going to say, go to the fridge or go to you, consider that a problem or just learning lessons in life. I don't consider it a problem. But when one of these kids wraps their big wheel around a telephone pole and then sues us because it was loaded, you know what I mean? Because he went to the juice box where the other your other liquor is, it goes with the other box wines go. I agree. But at some point it's going to get out by that point. We've made our money and we've stashed in some kind of Swiss bank account, and it's offshore. I don't care. Yeah, if it is in the process of me getting money off my box wine. So we we do what essentially Ford did with the Pinto, which is we know a certain amount of these cars are going to blow up. We know a certain amount of lawsuits are going to come in, but that will be cheaper than retrofitting each and every Pinto with a new gas tank. You know, that's called the American Dream. There really is my family came here, there were Asian from Vietnam, they came here with one American dream and I believe it was that to make juice boxes and have enough fuel money offshore to mitigate whatever legal costs would come with these juice boxes that had booze in them. It sounds much more beautiful when it said in Chinese, but yes, yes, it was something like that. So how did you know? Let's talk. I really love your juice box idea, but I think that we should do it. I really do. The great thing is easy. And we're over the hump as far as wine in a box, they have it in a big box and that a little bit like, that's like the funny joke thing. And people like, Oh, wine, a box, haha, has the joke. But I think if it was accessible like that, people would love it. Yeah, and coolers and backpacks filled with it. I wish I would start bringing sack lunches and dig this. Everybody I know digs the wine like everyone loves the wine. It's just the problem is the wine is bulky. It doesn't travel. Let me let me. Let me give you an example. Yeah, I was going. I was out of town. I was in Long Beach. I was going to stay in Long Beach for a couple of nights for this race and some other stuff I had to do and I was leaving my house and I thought, You know what? I love my red wine at night before I go to bed and I know the many cooler, you know, Hey, I'm going to get gouged at the minibar and be there kind of little bottles of Stoli, which are fine. But I like red wine, so I packed a bottle of red wine. But the bottle of red wine does not fit nicely into the side sleeve of the suitcase. But you're driving, right? I'm driving, but I put in a bag. I had to put it in my bag because I don't want to have brake in the car, roll around in the car. Bottles of wine roll around. We throw them. And then when you get to the hotel, you have to make sure you have the bottle opener, the Cork opener and all that stuff. But the box of wine is durable, durable, packed, easily modular, and you could enjoy one on the way out to Long Beach. And here's the thing is that they have the open container rule like, you know, if you have like an open bottle of, you know, wine in your car that you have the cork in already that's open container. But you know, in the back of my car, two bottles of water, you just keep little small boxes of like, you know, adult juice boxes in the back and then you drink it in and you're done and there's no more open container. And when you go to the restaurant, no corkage fee because for now, wouldn't that be great? I do love that idea of when restaurants go, we want to gouge you for our wine. But if you do insist on bringing your own wine will gouge you. I know, but I love when you go to those restaurants and they act like they're doing you a favor. Like, so actually, no, you can. You can bring your own wine. We have a small corner. You would go and bring whatever you want in package. You like fruits, so they act like they're like doing you such a f**king favor. All right. Well, I want to talk about your your family and oh yeah, you're your pilgrimage here to the United States. My mom was she's we're Chinese blood, but she was born, raised in Vietnam, and they came here during the war and then went to Oklahoma City. One man from Oklahoma was like a missionary. So they cleaned out of Vietnam in the later 60s, mid-60s, like an early, early seventies. So the war and already gotten underway. Yeah, they're in it. They were in it. My, my, my, my grandfather had a bricklaying business, say a lot of money and I had money. He had a lot of money and they would like hide their gold buried in the backyard. And then when the communists came through because they were Chinese blood and cause a lot of money, he was able to pay him and basically gave them everything. And so my mother, my grandmother and her nine children, my mom was one of the nine came to went boat to the Philippines and then flew to Oklahoma, where they knew one man. And then my grandfather died before he could come over. And then they all stayed in one little room in Oklahoma and then went on. Some of them are doctors and engineers and radiologists. Wow. Know, like Saigon vs. Oklahoma. Yeah, I was going to be a culture shock. It's funny because when my mom is telling stories like because they don't, they never saw snow ever. And so they would be going to these schools and it would be so cold and and the snow was coming down and they're all driving. They're pretty smart like, you know, really smart people, but they didn't ever experience it. So my mom was an extrovert about when they were all in the car, all packed in all, like nine children into one small car and they're driving on the road. And it would just sort of for God, would pull the car over and then wipe it down and get back in and keep driving and then fog back up and he'd pull over and wipe it back down. He sat there and was thinking, is like, Oh. And he realized, Oh, are you breathing? He's not breathing. Nobody, nobody breathe. He stopped breathing. And he's like hitting it like they're hitter's. You know, my my. The Asian side hits like, they hit it, hit nobody breathing. We breathe, they get in the car, they start driving, and then eventually you breathe and it's like seeping through. And then he pulls over and you start hitting breathe. You clearly breathe. It was like, I didn't breathe and breathe. And this guy was falling behind him sees that maybe breathe through your nose. You might be able to get away with it if. Your mouth breather like the coolest fall of an aquarium, yeah, but eventually, because it's so cold outside that it started, you know, fogging up, so this guy was driving behind them and noticed that they kept pulling over, said, you know, Hey, you guys. And he's like, Yeah, they keep breathing in car. I can't see father telling me to breathe. He's like, Oh no, and he showed them like the defrost button. Sure, he just push that. Thank God there wasn't a deep freeze button. This team and everyone would have died. My family, they're big hitters. They they thought my mom throws things a lot like I grew up getting beat a lot, really like the street beating like, you know, like pull your hair thrown against the wall. Like, not like in the no, we're not in very like an abusive like what you see on like after school specials. More like, it's just my mom didn't want that to happen. The freshest kind of way. More like this is stupid. All right, you one time she got mad at me and threw you got mad because I yelled too loud in the house when my stepdad was studying. So she cornered me in a refrigerator, in the wall and threw her purse gone with the wind in the dining room chair at me. And I'm just going, Mom, it's gone with the wind. It's really big. It's a really big book. Oh, she threw the book on Gone with the Wind and she was like, Anything, you see? She's like that she's the crazy Asian lead. It's like anything. So like, whenever I do something wrong, I always make sure I was like in like, like a very soft area, like there's nothing she can. Yeah, throw your you have to treat the house kind of like they do, like on a on a boat where they just nail everything down or so. So it's like she's yelling you whilst trying to pick up a chair that's been hot, glued to the kitchen floor yelling at you. Wow. Well, you know, the best thing right now is that my mom, my family couldn't care less. I mean, what I'm doing you. I think it's cool when they come out to visit me, I'm like, Hey, you guys wanna come to set or stare at the wall? They're like, Oh, we'll stare at the wall doing chairs. But now my mom, who doesn't know how to even use speakerphone, like, I'm like, You're on speakerphone. She's like, OK, you tell him, I say, hi, right? They can hear you. OK, tell him. I said, I mean, she doesn't want to see your phone, but she's managed Google alerts and Twitter, and now she'll like the other day, like my last relationship. There's like paparazzi like in the magazines, and there was rumors, the last relationship. And that was that with somebody we've heard of. Maybe. Well, if it's all over the internet, you can probably say it, right? Yeah, I could probably say it. So then so now I got it. Having one of my guys go to the internet like pull the person's name and then I got to spit it back. Yeah, it's such a time consuming. Well, I was. I was dating Chris Pine from Star Trek. That's how, oh, the guy from Star Trek, which I heard was really good. And I never saw him as a really great movie and he was really good in it. But there was like my mom all of a sudden is like in all the magazines and a line she was, and she never gave a s**t about anything. And now. So she was like, all of a sudden she's following it all in and she's like, she's like, say, things like one day there was rumors that there was like a break up and it was like, this weird thing. And then she emails me and says, And then then we were seen out together and then so she's following this whole thing, and then I get an email after like, it was like, Oh, they're still together. This weird kind of like soap opera they've created. And my mom emails me, hey in her, and she speaks in an accent and writes an accent, too. So she's like, Hey, it's mom. I read online, you and he break up. You can tell me, I promise I won't tell anyone I like him. Love mom. And like, OK, first of all, mom, stop reading online, right? Second of all, do you have to say I won't tell anyone because that implies the implication is that you do tell everyone if you don't say that right? Like, if it was your brother, I don't love as much. I would definitely blab you. Yeah, it is weird. I always find it weird about the third time. Somebody, whether it's a family member or a guy who sells used RV, says, I wouldn't lie to you. I'm not lying. They're going to be honest with you. It's like, I wasn't assuming you're lying. But now you said nine times, I wouldn't s**t. Yeah. And can I be honest with you? And I'm going to be honest with you. And I'm not going to lie to you. So now I'm starting to think maybe either you are lying or you do tend to lie a lot, and this is one of the times you're not lying. And then I think, how stupid do you think I am that you think that I'm supposed to think that I'm so f**king special that you aren't going to lie to me like that? I'm so f**king great that like, you're not going to lie to me. I love the fact that you have a beef with your parents because I'm saying, Mom, I'm your mom, I'm I'm the same way. And really, what's their thing? Well, my parents have the same probably are as interested in your career as they are in my career. And they have the same some, some some great. I have some great, you know, lack of interest stories on my mom's side. If you if you like you like to hear on, I love to hear a couple of classics and I mean, I just got some humdinger. But I'd say the one and and anyone who knows me knows. No exaggeration, no hyperbole. I don't need to. This is how. They are. This is verbatim and true, I at a certain point, I guess it was about 10 years ago, I was simultaneously for a couple of years on MTV and on Comedy Central, had a couple of shows on Comedy Central and a show on MTV, or I think I just had the man show on Comedy Central and MTV. MTV was a nightly one hour show called Love Line, and it was well rated and they would just run the s**t out of it. MTV's real cheap whip gang taped these hour-long shows me and Dr. Drew, and they'd run them 10 times a day. So I was on MTV and Comedy Central for about a two year period simultaneously. My mother at dinner one night at a Thai restaurant that I was paying for because I had the two shows on cable was sitting there with my sister. My parents are divorced, my grandmother and other various step family members and things about eight of us sitting at a table and my mom just sort of apropos of nothing announced to the table. I don't know. We must have been talking about what's on TV or have you seen this show? She said. You know, I got another one of these flyers in the Mail Today wanting me to buy cable television. I think it was like nineteen ninety five or something like that for the basic package. And then she looked at the table and she surveyed the entire table, and she said, Can anyone give me one good reason? Why should my cable one? It was so ironic that she said one good reason because her son had to the damn shows on cable and I wasn't doing like it wasn't like specials. It was like every single night you could find your son not doing it, parents on hosting an hour long strip show on cable and then the man show and I, she needed one. Does anybody figure? Well, this is the beauty of the group? No, not a one. And now and here's where the real crime occurs. Not even me. You cannot. Not because I'm proud. Not because I'm angry. Not because I bit my lip. I literally didn't think of it. And that's that means now when I tell people, it's not that I have low self-esteem. I have no self-esteem. Meaning not bad. It didn't occur to me. You're like people who don't feel things. You just you just don't bother me with a cigarette butt. Right now, my balance is I know what I'm saying is is I have no self-esteem in the sense that a low self-esteem person would have won. Well, I guess your show's not funny enough, or I guess she doesn't love you enough to say I have no self-esteem, which is I didn't think of it. I literally sat there and I said, they have cooking shows. You like cooking. They have gardening shows. You could watch those movie channel. Two hours later, I was in my car driving to love line the radio show and I thought, Wait a minute, I have two shows on f**king cable. That's what it does to get it. Did she ever get cable? Yeah, ironically. I think she has cable now, but it was after my rain on cable, so she waited until I've been completely removed from cable and may, may and I say May and I say the same for my dad. I think my mom and my dad may have cable now, but it was after I was off cable that they decided to squeeze the trigger. Let's wait for our son. Wait till the cable stations have rid themselves of this scourge. Here's my son, and then we will make the purchase. And one day they'll get like iPods and computer to listen to your podcast when it's way with. I don't think that's ever gonna happen. So, yes, that's my favorite. And by the way, nothing personal. No, that's kind of the problem. Well, I got to the point I have. I suffer from actually pretty bad anxiety, and I and I suffer from anxiety. Yeah, like why? Like, Oh, because your mom? Well, no, I think we'll probably like from whatever, you know, the childhood bulls**t. I understand why in that way, but I do have it and I'm getting really, really good at handling it. But I but the other thing that's happening, when there's more, when there's more is there's paparazzi or pictures, or I stopped actually telling my mom because before I tell her my care, I'd email her and you know, she wouldn't watch or she would watch eventually or whatever she do. But now I just don't see it. But now it's because I don't want to talk about anything as I don't I don't want to talk about because I feel like it's can I just do it and then let it be? Speaking of the paparazzi and I like the anxiety and all that stuff, boy, you know, you're really attractive with all this neuroses, anger and hatred toward family members. I really love that. But in a great sense of humor, which sadly was probably forged by your mother, told my uncle, that's yourself and your uncle raping you. Yeah, the it's a true no. There. But all right. But your father presented us the least metaphorically raping you emotionally. Emotionally being raped, which I was raped, has gone with the wind. Yes. Your rape for the novel in paperback or hardback? Oh, hardback. Wow, I know. All right. So I love all that about you. And again, maybe that's what forged your your sense of humor. Instead, you just have an eating disorder, perhaps. But it's growing up as not an eating disorder. It's a way to control your diet. OK? And speaking of the paparazzi dating famous guys. Hmm. Now if you can avoid that, yeah, you can avoid the paparazzi. Hmm. But I don't know what your feeling is toward that. Well, my I had this conversation with some of the other day like and it was with an ex who was like, like, I think, upset that, like, you know, he had, he knew who the person was and he was like, Oh, because the other person, you know, because there's something else that's famous. And my thing is like the ex famous. No, but but my thing is I'm not looking for. I just want like a cute guy that's like, I like tall, athletic, nice guys. I like to date some guy that like, how does you know, like, have his own business or did something completely out of it? But I'm in the world where I'm meeting people. So like, the thing is, I'm talking my girlfriend when there's different people I meet. And like any girl would say, no, like when this guy is like, so charming and he's like, and especially if you see my movie like, Oh, he's so romantic, he's so great. And then the thing is like, you end up, you hang out with them, you talk with them for even ten minutes. You're like, Oh God, you, you actually might have Asperger's for real. Well, I mean, the thing about I just spent an entire weekend with Keanu Reeves. I know hunky when I see him. And you know, the the thing about it is, is obviously the guys are good looking and then there's that it quality. And I don't know if the eyes of a woman are much different than a camera, like they recognize symmetry and they recognize it and they recognize charisma. I mean, if you really think about a camera lens that's really a woman's eyeballs, it's not a guy's eyeballs, it's a woman's eyeballs. So whatever made them a star is going to make them attractive to you. Plus, then other women wanting them and money. But yeah, like I say that whenever you whenever you're dating, like when they're like, what's a great pickup line? I don't think there is a great pickup line besides, like high because it's all physical from the beginning. So if I'm if I see a guy like if I'm physically attracted, you were already good there, you can ruin it. I mean, I was at the head my maxim cover party at the Super Bowl in Miami. There's this guy who really good looking successful, like ugly guy and there's girls around him and he is like, he keeps and we're talking in my same little group and he is the like, the biggest idiot I've ever seen in my life. Like s**t is just stupid. Yeah. And I'm just like, There doesn't matter how successful or rich and really good looking and everyone you can see is there. They don't have it. They don't have it. Yeah. Well, that's why I do find that lots of guys tend. Especially the good looking hunky guys sort of played close to the vest with the verbiage, the aforementioned Keanu Reeves, you don't see him popping up on tons of talk shows and he's not the brightest. Jimmy Kimmel Live Here Scanner reads, I sat down in a trailer in our trailer for our race trailer and our locker room, and we sat there and talked for like an hour the other day. It was like, I was like some kind of weird gay date where everyone had laughed and all the drivers were at the driver's meeting and we weren't looking at the clock. And we're just talking about stuff and there's adult juice boxes scattered around, and I went through a baker's dozen boxes. And no, he's a very thoughtful, interesting guy who is not a dummy, but he's not quick on his feet and he's not quick with the one liners. And I think in a situation where he's a guest sitting in that chair, he's not going to come across as particularly fast and he's not going to be pop, pop, pop, pop. So best to stay out of that chair and have people just assume that he's an international man of mystery that sit in that chair and have you go? Not that funny. So that's the whole thing. Like. And as far as women goes, that guy, the good looking, athletic, hunky guy who you saw, it's your maxim party should have kept his f**king mouth shut. Yeah, I don't mean I don't mean grunt when you ask him what time it is. I just mean, don't open your mouth and start saying a whole bunch of stupid stuff that lets you know that he's an idiot. There's a way to kind of go. I don't know anything about computers, so I don't really talk about computers. I don't want you to think I'm an idiot. Yeah, that makes sense. But you know, the other thing I like dating, I don't think about dating. It's just about who I'm attracted to and who I like. And and it's not about any specific. Could you be attracted to a guy who wasn't that great in the looks department, but that had other things going on? Yeah, like the kind of guys that I've dated, they have a different like, there's a lot of variation. So you have a type per se. Well, I think the type is like kind of like, um, like they're usually taller and they kind of boyish, but then some of them look over. Some of them kind of like some of you who have big ears and kind of like, I think I like the little bit of the dork, your look. But still something that is the dorky look that's like secure, you know, that's like, right? And do you have, you know? And I never I don't want to bring up money because I always think I always think about this with money. And women, like a lot of people, think women are attracted to money and I always think they're attracted to whatever it is. Got the guy, the money because the guy's a go getter and he has an entrepreneurial spirit and a successful. I think they're more attracted to success than the actual dollar. To me, I don't think it's like when it comes like actors. Yes, they work for producers and writers, but generally they they don't answer to anyone else that they can choose to do the movie or not do them when they're doing it is their choice to be there. And like, I don't, I would never want to date somebody. I would never want to date somebody. I had to answer to somebody else. I think that's where the money kind of. Sometimes it's the money kind of comes with that. Like if you own your own business or if you're an actor, I would date a guy who didn't, who was an actor that didn't have any money to. I like somebody who doesn't, who has their s**t together where like, I'm not paying for everything all the time of the day. You know it feels, man, because you want to feel like with a man that you're taking care of in a way that you're that things are good. But I pay for a lot of stuff when I'm in a relationship. But I also I think that I want someone that doesn't have to answer to something else like, Oh, I got to go to work or this, f**k, I got a call from a client, or I don't like any of that s**t. Well, it's also a turnoff, especially for a woman to see a guy sort of, you know, do that thing, whereas you know, whether you're in the middle of the date or wherever you are and the phone rings, it's oh s**t. Her battle scenes on the phone. God it. I got to get out of here. Oh, he's going to get paid. They just look like a publicist. They look like a pussy. It's me. I'm just like, Oh, that's not. And then later on, when you're f**king, you're like, Oh, you can't, you know? And they're like, Yeah, yeah, they're like, You can't. I don't really. I don't believe you right now. You're bringing that. Oh, when the guy's like, Come on, man. Yeah, you love it. Know the boss. No, not really. So I think that's where the you rather be with Herb. He's the boss. I think that's where they'll be in charge. Yeah, yeah. The actor kind of, you know, like or musicians or artists who are like, independently like on their own. Yeah. And and sexually like a guy who's in charge too, right? Yeah, yeah. You don't want a guy going, What do you want to do is that are like when they like when they get to like, love VW right away, when they're like, Let's make love and like, Oh my god, did you really just say that because it's got f**king yeah. And like, and then they like when they when oh my gosh, when somebody asked you way too early, like, so where is this going and where he and I'm like, Are you kidding me? Yeah, that's like, and I understand, like when girls do that to guys on doing that is just like, can we just not be here? So we just like a. This does it have to be a title right now? Yeah, it pisses me off. But you say that? But do you mean it? I mean, because you're not the right guy. If I met the right guy, I'd be that guy. If I don't answer that, it's because you're not really the right guy. Yeah. And maybe the guy's got an answer for girls. You're not the right girl, right? Look, anyone who's listening when somebody gives you that right now, I'm just not. And, you know, I'm just coming off of a relationship and I just want to cool down and I'm not looking for any, you know, if if you hear a sentence as it pertains to you and the relationship, if it begins with right now, just walk away. Because see if you can talk one more time and then walk away because whatever you're looking for ain't happening with this, this person and it's such bulls**t that you don't really focus on my career right now. Bulls**t. If you're in love with this dude, like you have a guy that I'm sure flips your cookie. No, not right now. OK, not right now, but when or if in the past, you know what I mean? Pretty sure that guy's the one that got away. The one that you were like, I was really attractive this guy. And I think it could have gone somewhere, but it just didn't end up happening. You know, if you're really into somebody, you don't give them the right now. You give them the I'm in the middle of my career. And that's one side of my brain. And then I got another side of my brain, and I'm going to use that on you. Like, I'm not going anywhere. I'm hanging on you with both hands and I'll be pursuing my career. And you certainly don't have that. I just came off a rocky relationship. All the more reason to be with this new person I'm wildly in love with. Make things right, you know? So it's total bulls**t when people do that, and it's that way with everything. I always tell people, you know, and it's so sad because like, you don't know what to say, because like when you're talking to people, it's like a you're like, I thought, You're going out with Sharon this weekend. She's got a college friend who's come in from out of town. And so she said this weekend's not no. She said she's not into you because we all know when people are motivated. I always say this. Look at a junkie. A junkie is out of a job, unemployable, living on the streets, panhandling, doing whatever, and can support a five hundred dollar tobacco habit because he has no job, but he wants it. But I think the biggest thing is people are so oblivious and people don't like, like when girls get sick, like, he didn't. Oh, I text him. You know what? You know, I heard Googling online. There's something wrong with T-Mobile. There are some. There's some towers down in the Midwest. Is he on the East Coast? Yeah, he's on the East Coast. Then how's that fact? It's just he didn't get that like people like give themselves so many excuses for just like sometimes like the guys like you, sometimes you don't like the guy is just bottom line. And for guys and for girls, if you had if you and I had a date this weekend, yeah, yeah. Now we're talking boxes, juice boxes, I'll bring over the dominos. You get the juice box. I'll be Keanu Reeves. Yeah, that's all we have to do. We don't have a locker room. We'll watch a little pay per view. Mixed martial arts box. So just you and me. Well, go ahead. You know what you do really like? We'll go Dutch on a pay per view. Okay, never mind. I'll bring in. All right. All but all, I'll get the pay per view. I'll bring them bring the juice box and I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll get s**tfaced. We'll get a full sized box of wine. Except for I'll put the little juice straw because that'll be like our restrictor plate. Like, how loaded could you get it to just suck like a hoover for three hours straight, you could only get so buzzed off that straw. It's really it's it more because you're so lightheaded from having to suck so hard. Oh, you get a nice buzz from that. But it is. It is interesting, which is the straw, which is, you know, three 30 seconds of an inch is in terms of its inner diameter. You could only get so much booze through that. It's it's like one of those drinking games where like you do a shot of beer every minute for 90 minutes, you can only get so s**tfaced. Yeah, so I like this, so I'm going to bring over. But let's just say, yeah, I'm going to bring over a couple of boxes of wine and then we'll put the little mini juice straw into that box and we can and you can sit there nonstop without breathing like your uncle in that viewers in Oklahoma City and just keep sucking on the thing and maintain a nice buzz all the way through the undercard and the actual main event. But here's what I'm saying if I was really into you and you were really into me and we had this pay per view juice box, a small straw bus date set up for Saturday night and then your friend called and she said, Oh hey. I'm in town and and and I'm only in town for the weekend and whatever you tell her, Hey Tammy, we'll go out to breakfast Sunday, but I got a juice box date with the H man on Saturday night and I'm really into this party. Or you'd say, You know what? Come over right now. Well, hang for a couple hours, but you got to clear out at 6:30 because I got to take a shower. The man's coming over with the juice juice box or whatever was right. And if one of my friends called and said, Hey man, I'd be like, Hey, f**k off. I got it going. And even if it was a serious situation like, well, it's going to take, I'd be like, Look, I'll talk to you on the phone. And then tomorrow we're gone for breakfast. But tonight, here's what I'm doing. That's what people do when they're in the kitchen. What I wouldn't do is call you and go, Hey, man, one of my buddies from out of town is only in for the weekend. And so if you hear that excuse and I don't care how good it sounds, it's an excuse. But aren't don't guys from the beginning like the girls, some girls want to hang it like five days in a row, right? Like if a guy really likes a girl, even then beginning like they like to pace it out like they like to take. They like to go, OK, I'm hang out with you, like, you know, twice this week and then I'm going to like, I don't want to, like, jump right into it right away. Yeah, it sort of depends and is a guy you have to worry or you should worry and people don't do it enough. What message are you sending to this person when you announce when you're going on 18 straight days of seeing them? You are telling this person that you're into them. Perhaps, maybe it's just a f**k fast, but you're telling them emotionally, Hey, you may be the next Mrs. Douche bag. So even if they think that they might, they just don't want that message to go out to you. You have to be careful what message you send to women because the psyche is a little more delicate. And also, as I learned from Dr. Drew, when a woman becomes intimate with a guy, there are whatever released. Yes, we can serotonin, serotonin or endorphins or whatever is released, and there is a bonding that takes place. So if you're being physical with a woman and then planning on just getting up and leaving, that's going to be an issue because there is a start cutting, they're going to start cutting, right? Just like daddy, kind of. There's going to be issues. So and I wonder, I don't I I'm not making this as an accusation. Oh, but I'll point my finger in the air. Not at you, OK? But I have. I have met and been with women in the past that do do that. Oh, I'm a tomboy and I like to get it on and no strings attached. And I don't like a guy who gets too gooey, too early and blah blah blah. But that's a little bit of a veneer in their core. They're more vulnerable. There's a part of them that is a little more fragile that could potentially be hurt, that some of it is a little bit of a front. I think that when anybody says they are one way, it's all different. You know, one is completely one way I I. There is no one in my life that I'm like, head over heels like bananas for. So everyone's going to be like that. But when I do find that guy, I, you know, I like to cook and clean. I'm not looking for the one I don't like right now. Things are a little bit different for me and like I used to always want kids and I'm like, Oh. I mean, they're there for a long time, you know, kind of with you. And that doesn't sound so awesome. Well, no. But the biological clock has been pushed back a decade. Yeah, I mean, it used to be, Hey, man, if you're 30, you don't have kids. Oh, what's up now? If you're 40, you know, so you got time. But I am the one that at the party where I'm definitely saying the really inappropriate things and I'm hanging out and like, and I love f**king, you know, probably, you know, just as much as the guy does. And and I'll and I like really? Yeah, I really I. But I like great sex and I like to around laughing. And I I like going to baseball games, but I also don't want to f**king watch, you know, sit around and watch boxing all day long. And I'm not. I'm like, you know, those girls are like, Oh my gosh, I just like whatever I want to hang out and watch boxing or, oh yeah, let's go to this concert and hang out and do mosh pit like they want to be like that guy. I'm not that. I'm like, No, I don't want to do this. I don't want to do that. I do want to. Eventually, I like I like I'm a one girl, one guy, one girl thing. Yeah, not like. Yeah. But if it's the right person, if not, like, I don't really. But when you're not when you're not dating, like when you say, like, I'm I'm always I'm curious about two things that people do, which I find interesting. I've never been able to pull it off myself. Like, Where are you? Like, I remember when I used to watch Love Connection and Chuck Woolery with like, do that profile or like, is Bob? And he's a city inspector and he comes from Tustin, and he says he dates about three times a week. And I thought, What does that mean? Dates three times a week now. I'm sure he's. Bulls**tting is that three different women? If it's one woman, what the f**k are you doing on love connection? And when people go, I'm just day, I'm dating, but nothing serious. I've never felt comfortable with the idea of, I understand f**king like, I understand you mean dating more than one percent of time. Yeah. Like, seriously, like dating a few people feels weird. I've never I've never did that ever. And because I mean, I like somebody I like and I don't I go from like no relationship to relationship, and there's nothing. And then so when I like somebody, I'm there. But only recently I can do the go on this date with this guy. And then, like a couple weeks ago on this date with this guy and then still like, be talking or texting with this guy because no one is because I like this guys enough. Yeah, but no, no one's but yeah, and I'm going, well, maybe I should thought, maybe, maybe I'll end up liking them more. But I don't think that that's you like them enough not to say no if they ask you if you want to do so. It sounds like Sally comes into town for the weekend. We're not having breakfast. We're hanging on Saturday instead. Right, that's where you're at, right? That's where I'm at. But I can actually date. But what I'm finding is I feel like the guy in the thing, and not because I'm the cool tomboy girl, but just because of where I'm at and and who these people are. To me, they're getting a little like annoyed or the like. They haven't read guys and really asked, How much are you doing other people, right? Somebody did. And then it felt really awkward. Immediately, the new manager, Inmarsat and I just mentioned her because I know you're going through the entire star cast new and old, and they asked, and then and then what do you do? Because when you're in that situation as a as a guy and you know, you're dating somebody and you know, they're kind of half into you, like they're they're into you enough to go out with guys. All guys think that it's you go out with a girl or girl has sex with you that she like they all girls, want to get married and have a boyfriend right away. That's the that's the thing is like, yeah, eventually, if you find the right guy, you want that. But maybe it's not you. And I think that guys get way too overconfident that girls want this like romantic thing. And sometimes like, like the other day, my friend like this guy said, make love to her, and she was like, It's f**king and we're like, Yeah, what is wrong? Like my girlfriends, we're all the same. Bring your friend over for the booze box party when I buy the pay per view, by the way, there's three people for pay per view. Yeah, make. It makes sense now. No, I'm buying. Okay, that's good. I'm now buying the pay per view. But you know, we I I did the same this thing that with like, you know, acts like the body spray. Sure. Did this axe shower. They have this new axe shower thing, which is like to get guys alert in the morning. And so then they asked me, like, go down to San Francisco to like, go into the streets and be in like like disguise, which was like a ponytail and like glasses and frumpy clothes and basically go up to these guys. And then we had distractions plays for them and people would. It was early in the morning and and then I'd ask them to go have coffee and then they'd be distracted. Then I'd walk away and they'd run up and go, Hey, did you know that was Olivia Munn? You know, as you probably like, who, where? Where she and then I take Lily very lane like, Hey, this is me. And like, I didn't know there was you and we didn't plan to. Anyway, there were these guys and they're like, Oh, we didn't know because these people were distracting us. And the whole thing was to prove that guys aren't alert in the morning. And we did. And that way they need, you know, act shower two to like, wake up. But it was funny because like when we were going through it, every guy that I've ever been with, I've broken up with them in the morning time because they're just like the guy. Interesting because like in the morning, they're just kind of like, they don't as quick, you know, know, it's like you're a zoologist and you're like, If you want to swim with great white sharks, do it just after they've gorged themselves on seals because they're docile at that point. And you can actually pat them on the snout. That's exactly how it is. Yeah. So you catch a guy in the morning and he's like, Oh, why hold on? I got a s**t and drink some coffee? So it's like, like, it's okay when you see, it's like on the shower. Like experimental video, it's like on their face Facebook page and on YouTube when you see me approach these guys in the morning. But it's funny because they I think of guys like they're like big babies are walk around just their back scratching their eyes like, I need my coffee and there's like, it's like, you're 30. What the f**k is wrong with you? Yeah. Yeah. Well, the boner, you know, like, I hate to be too graphic, but if your clitoris was engorged every morning, do you think that it's straight either? But once you see it goes, Yeah, you know, I can't pee because of my huge clitoris, it hurts. You'd be out of it, too, like if somebody was tapping you. By the way, how do you know I don't have an engorged clitoris? You know, there's many things I don't know about. That's true. You have it's the juice box. That's the that's a side effect. Yeah, you could have a clitoris meglio or whatever juices. Give me an engorged clitoris. Hey, listen, there's only one way to find out. I have actually my my. My penis is turning red. I'm so embarrassed. I'm just saying you get that boner in the morning. You're a little out of it and it's a very good time to break up, but the time you don't want to break up and what chicks do and they shouldn't do, this is, you know, they go they go out to a restaurant, then the guy has a couple of glasses, a couple of high balls and you know, he gets a little buzz going. And by the way, we are at least the guys that the, you know, the humpers, not the gatherers, because I always think of these sort of they say hunter gatherer tribe. But now it's turned into the jumper gatherer tribe and the guys who gather during the day. But the humpers are sort of nocturnal creatures. Those guys who go to bed at 2:00 a.m., 3:00 a.m. And you go out to dinner with them and you get a steak in their belly and you get some booze and and then you tell them at 10 o'clock at night you want to break up and their past, like, they're lucid, they're with it. And they're horny, too. And when you tell that, dude, I'm breaking up with you. He thinks I can fix this with my c**k. That's what he thinks. If I can just and sometimes how good that c**k is, he can fix it. He can, and that's all thing. But catch him in the morning when he's groggy and he has to pass well, especially if you're calling him out on something when they f**ked up or did something wrong. They don't know. They don't. They're not quick enough to lie. So you just exactly what it is. Good looking guys aren't great either. They're not fast on their feet. So you get a really hunky guy and you get them, you get them hung over. He's got the morning wood and you do that. Hey, man, was that text message I saw you sent out the other night and they are the best you get is like, I don't know about that. Like, you don't really get anything good because they're not lucid. Yeah, that's smart. You get up early, have a coffee machine. All good looking guys or people aren't like the quickest. It just depends on what they how they how they grow up. You know, what happened to them and what other skills and talents they had to develop because of their situation. Hold on. That's our next guest here, by the way, Cheech and Chong. Oh, they are. Oh, OK. Donnie. And we discussed this on numerous occasions. They're not anybody. We don't see anybody, and I'm doing it. We've talked about as many as I'm going to talk because I don't think our guests, our next guests are here. But I have to say, you know, for your benefit, you keep staring at the clock, you know, looking going, OK, there's we'll see you here from noon. And so I see you keep looking at the clock, so you're being very courteous. I am. But I just got the sign that said one hour, which doesn't matter. But if our next guests are here, then it does matter, which I can't see. All right. Why does it come on? Get them? Think, like, think like a producer? That's what I want. That's all I know. It sounds like a put down, but think like a producer? That's what I'm. That's what I want to say. All right, Olivia. Now we're out of time and I love talking about your engorged clitoris. But I have to talk to Tommy Chong about his engorged clitoris. Yes. So don't don't come up. Don't talk about the juice. Don't you have the juices are you can talk to him about if he wants to, like, be an independent financier. Invest in it. Yeah, sure. We're looking for backers from seed money, but we are the face. I don't even know you're the face. I'll be the face. You'll be the taster. Yeah, I'll be the official taster. I may step on a few grapes and I'll also, you know, well, I'll start the viral campaign on Adam Curl account. Yeah. All right. So attack of the show on G4, we all know that we'll keep our fingers crossed for a perfect couples and hopefully we'll be together on it. Guys, that would be many line up and I'll come by your house and welcome you to the neighborhood. Also book out called Suck at one Wonder Woman The misadventures of a Hollywood geek. We will ask ourselves July six. Also, we're going to be I will be at the Hollywood Improv. Yes, the world famous Hollywood Improv Saturday night two shows tickets still available. Olivia Munn. Thank you very much. And until next time, this is and call for a new friend, Olivia, saying Mahalo. O oh, oh, o Riley auto parts, well, they're in the business of keeping your car in the road. A Riley offers friendly, helpful service and parts and knowledge. You need to do all your own maintenance and repairs. They've got thousands of parts and accessories in stock, either in-store or online, so you never have to worry if you're in a jam. They'll help you out when your do it yourself or need the specialty tool to finish the job well. Stop by O'Reilly and ask for one of their loaner tool programs because there's a lot of real special tools when it comes to doing certain jobs on cars. Simply pay a refundable deposit and borrow the right tool, then get the deposit back when it's returned. So it's free. They'll help you find the right part or point you to the nearest local repair shop for help. Plus, they can test your battery for free in or out of the car so you don't have to pop it out. The professional parts people at O'Reilly Auto Parts are your one stop shop for all things auto and you can find what you need in the store or online. Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts today or visit O'Reilly Auto.com/ yatom. That's O'Reilly auto.com/ adam. All right, those and crucial three or four coming up next, we have Adam Crucial, 481, featuring Patton Oswalt, Alison Rosen, Brian Bishop. This one's from 2011, Alison Rosen, now the permanent news girl. This is January of 2011. Hope you guys enjoy. Mandate, get it on. Good day ball behind me about that Grandpa Carolla and love that guy. Good day, Alison Rosen. Oh, it's going to be a good day. All right. First off, I want to welcome the fans that are watching on the East Broadcasting Twitter network. They're watching the broadcasting Twitter winners. I should say they're viewing at us right now in studio, thanks to our good friends at go to meeting. See how that works via the magic of GoToMeeting. Unbelievable. Speaking of going to a meeting, how about go to my PC problems getting work done because of distractions at the office? Mm hmm. Try to get some work done. Would you say did what you say is ripping a bong load behind you? Sandy, tune in his Mustang now. Stay home. Save yourself some gas. Save some energy. Save by the way. Save one of those sexual harassment suits. Can you possibly get sued for that? Who's your cat going to talk to you? You know what I'm saying. Go to my PC brought to you by our good friends over at Citrix and you can securely access everything on your office computer. Even the programs from anywhere cafe library an island, anywhere you can get the internet. Try go to my PC free. I got a free 45 day offer only if you use the promo code. Adam works on the Mac, works on the PC. You can get your home computer from work and get your work computer from home. I think two computers is what they start you out with. You can add as many as you want, but all you need is your home and your work computer visit. Go to my PC Wacom. Click on the Try Free button and remember the promo code Adam 45 days for free. All right, Panton is coming in. Patent has a book zombie spaceship wasteland, and I think I love about Pat and he's just good at everything he does. He's good at stand up. He's good at things he does. That was this movie. Big Fan, Big Fan. Yeah, serious role. Did a great job and then I'll kiss his a*s when he comes in. But I was and I want to kiss all your asses too, for keeping my audio book on iTunes still in the top 10, after all these weeks and months now still up there and past s**t, my dad said, which feels good, so I thought, Well, yeah, let me play a little snippet from the book. We haven't done it in a while. And again, if you have the book, the audio book is six hours and 40 minutes of different. So if you want to check it out. Be my guest. And again, thank you all. Why don't we play a little snippet and then we'll fire up the new Shelley? Let's talk about dumb guys in commercials. Look, let's face it, guys are smarter than women. Ladies, please punch your panties and open your ears so our men build all the bridges. All the dams go to the Moon, et cetera. It's a fact. I don't want to argue about it. If you don't believe me, go down the patent office, where, by the way, Einstein and his penis used to work and see all the great innovations women have come up with over the years. But commercials depict men as simple minded buffoons. The wife's out of town and the dads left alone to prepare breakfast for the twins smash cut to the guy dumping the waffle batter into the toaster. Or how about the famous Carl's junior campaign about how guys would starve without them featuring a dance in his mid-thirties, attempting to make guacamole by putting a whole avocado in a f**king blender? Hold it right there ! By the way, ladies are lucky they did that commercial with a black guy or Mexican guy or chick there. They get an avocado. It, you're just being outrage. People just be outraged. They'd be picketing Carl's Jr.. Yeah, that's what guys do. That's what 33 year old guys do, which they call avocados, pit skin and everything. And we throw it, we throw it in and drool staring at the blender. All right, sorry. Continue on piss in a f**king blender. By the way, you ladies are lucky. I'm too g*****n lazy to look up. What percentage of Michelin rated chefs are men? Or how about the same guy who wants to lounge on the sofa all day watching arena football? But his lady convinces him to go with her to the Home Depot to remodel the basement? Right? Dumb and lazy, we get it. See, we would complain about this unfair depiction, but we're too f**king busy running Home Depot and the plant that makes the television set. You're watching a stupid commercial on an building and designing and operating the cameras and the satellites that make it possible for you to see these commercials that make us look like r****ded chimpanzees. And speaking of inaccurate depictions, I've seen 75 of these ADT home security commercials and never seen a face darker than Conan O'Brien involved in any home invasion scenarios. Imagine if an alien came down to the U.S. and just watched TV for a year and then took a tour of our prison system. It'd be like these white criminals are the shrewdness of them all. They commit 100 percent of the crime and almost never get caught. Thank you. Powerful stuff. Yes. I'm speechless and moved. Rarely do they disagree with any of them. A race traitor to my kind ladies, please feel free. No, I agree wholeheartedly with. I mean, I am a racing metro to agree wholeheartedly. Yeah, yeah. Would you like to see another home invasion commercial done by Ashton Kutcher? I agree wholeheartedly. All look like 28 year old looking white guys. Never stop. Look, I don't say is not going to like anybody. I don't see my home be invaded. I don't say white guys don't break into houses. I just say it's not our exclusive domain. It's distracting when it's nothing but white guys know you're you guys are white. Guys are busy managing Home Depots. When you do a Miller Lite commercial, you toss in a black guy because there's five guys and one of them should be black. You're doing a home invasion commercial, right? Dustin one Black guys. So it's otherwise it's distracting. That's all I'm saying. I like somebody. Please go through the Brinks or 80, go through, go through their arsenal and see if you can find em. Find a face darker and Tom Petty. Now this is a. By the way, though, I'm just lashing out because I'm tired of guys being portrayed as buffoons. So I know we're busy and we sit around and we take it. But this would not work for any other group or any other race or any other culture we just want. There's be a Carl's Jr. guy there. I'm a dumb dude. It's bulls**t. I don't sit around. I don't sit around my house and my wife goes. Come on, let's go to Home Depot. Come on, we're going to finish those things. Come on, I'm the one. Is it the f**king Home Depot? You never have to wipe the drool off before you go somewhere. No. And I never stare blankly like, I don't go to the supermarket and go to the frozen food. I'll just stare there with the door open until my eyebrows freeze, you know, because it just drool. Just, I don't know what to do. I can't wipe my own bottom right now. And are your kids? Do your kids speak like tiny adults? And are they super crackers now? Well, sort of. My dad, my dad, my kid told me I talk too much today to be quiet. Do you have twins playing each twin market? Yeah, that's the way I do it around the house. I wish. Oh, let's see. Let's keep showing these commercials to see if we can find. Let's see if we can find a face that doesn't look like dots on one of these. The best one is the date rape one like, Ooh, who's that cute guy at the party? I didn't know. Did you know him? He comes right back in to rape that check. I love it. That's pretty shrewd. Move on that. Go to the party. Yeah, I didn't see that coming. I was like, Oh, that's romantic commercial. It's only kicks the door down or something. Yeah. Wow. My date rape case, Reggie, is not to leave the party. You don't have to break the door down. Yeah, I like that. I like this guy. Looks like every guy who's in Pelican Bay right now. He a little chubby. Thirty three. Why does it go? Sure. Yeah. Straight from the frat. Yeah. To the clink. Mm hmm. The other good one I like is, Hello. My name is yeah, grandmother. I like the drunk driving one where every single guy gets pulled over just a 32 year old white guy. But no such thing as a black dude. God forbid. By the way, in the annals of drunk driving, ever been a Latin guy pulled over? I don't think so. Never seen a woman pulled over. That never happened. It's not exactly the Benetton ad. You know the world to be. Well, it's a weird. Here's what here's why they're f**king r****ds because we bend over backwards, turning everything into that Benetton world thing where we go like, Hey, it's a couple of guys tilting some beers at a bar here. Check out, check out this commercial. See? See all the see all the honkies getting pulled over for the drunk driving. Yeah. Well, all right. Maybe that aired during Dawson's Creek, primarily white audience. Maybe it's the channels you're watching, dude. Yeah, I'm a model. I never once I watch Telemundo and Betty and I have seen an Oprah, and I've seen nothing so far. Now we have to like, if you do a thing where five guys are going out, you got the Asian guy, the black guy, the white guy. Everything is that way. Sort of two to the point of distraction. Like, I don't go to Bill Simmons House and have a Asian guy and a black guy sitting there in between me and Kevin Hanshin. Bill Simmons. This is sadly Dear Dear Diary. Wait a minute, I can't type with my hood on. The point is, go back. Oh, oh sure, that's part of my taste that got a crush. I'm Adams. Give me a Tumblr. All right. But is it? But so it is it is the colors of the rainbow coalition that every single commercial except for the ones depicting any form of crime. And now it's all white and now it's distracting. Because now you're looking right, it's blind somewhere around your eighth white guy kicking in the front door of a house in suburbia, you go hold on a second. This now seems distracting. Well, also because we're used to seeing the rainbow coalition. I mean, that's what screwed it up. Yeah. Somebody murdered fish, right? The artificial island made a decree that if you do look, if you do Olive Garden commercial, we need a black. And an Asian couple jumped in with the white couple. That is it. And they have this. I mean, when I when I was at NBC, I spoke to sink into Maya Angelou's crazy black chick, who's in charge of stuffing Mexicans into sitcoms and making sure that they're depicted in a very nice way. She's not. They're nuts. They're all under her crazy thumb, and she gives you long winded speeches about why Southland didn't work because super condescending stuff about how they had a Chicano in there who wasn't a gang banger, but they named him Steve. His name was Steve Gomez. They should have called him Sergeant Gomez, but they called him Steve, so they don't get any Mexican credit. It's it's a, by the way, it's more offensive than whatever offensive joke you would have that there's a black chick in charge of Mexicans at NBC who's a f**king nutjob. But either way, we had Cinco de Mayo, Angelo. And that's that's her decree. And so it worked fine, except for when they do the Brinks home security commercial or the drunk driving commercial or the ADT commercial. And there's no dark faces now. It's become a distraction because you guys have created this fake world where there's a whole bunch of white gang bangers. Yeah, that's what's f**k this up, then. When I used to work at magazines any time there was a list or a photo shoot or anything, it would always be like, We need a black person in there, we need more women in there, we need this. And I was like, How? I mean, I applaud the effort to make to make this, you know, equal. But how is it OK to send someone out specifically to look for a black person like that feels wrong? Yeah, it is. It is weird. And it's also, I don't know how great you feel if you were the person, but. Right? All right. Let's see. Oh, another white guy breaking into a house show the date, right? Well, that's my favorite is the is the one where they're having the party. And this guy, by the way, is twenty four. And this guy looks like Joel McHale. I mean, she'd be lucky to be right by this dude. And I know that's controversial, but we all. Yeah. Thank you. All right. You are the dumbest person alive. What is wrong with you? All right. Well, look for that. How about you? Crank up a little news? Alison Rosen. And again, you don't have to agree with me just because I'm right all the time. Teresa never did live from the international news site just to be up to down bites. This is the news. I know if you agree, agree. Brian does a TV accident. You don't have to do it. Thank you. Mm-Hmm. And it tells me I'm just an a*s who busy all the time. So I'm going to you. Oh my God. That's why I wanted to strangle Anderson that day. Sorry, go ahead. All right. Well, Loughner was indicted today, but bigger news? Hmm. Your buddy. Dr. Drew spent the night in the hospital being treated for an infectious disease called leptospirosis, which causes jaundice, muscle pain, fever and in some cases, hemorrhages in the eyes and skin. Dr. Drew in his age. Really? No, he's in the hospital right now, or no, not anymore. But he was. He's such a blue blood. You know, there's probably a lot of inbreeding and stuff in his family and everything I play. I had a recession, the recessive gene for this. Yeah, maybe there's something going on with him because he's so like white and perfect that his family tree for properly. Yeah, I don't know who for two, but either way, maybe it was a brother and a sister and he got f**ked up somehow or very flowers in the attic where he picked it up in the West Indies, where he and his wife were going for a romantic getaway on January seven. It's all. It's all came out on Twitter January 7th, he tweeted, leaving very early tomorrow on our second honeymoon. So sweet. He has a great destination but brings shorts and sunglasses. And then was tweeting to his wife and then on Monday night, he wrote, Traveling since 12:30 a.m. Pacific, now back in the U.S. in Miami. Oh, joy customs. Then, a day later, he tweeted, Spent the night is a patient in the hospital. Seems I may have picked up leptospirosis in the West Indies. This is just brutal when you f**k natives in the a*s. There's just a certain amount of baggage that comes along with that decision. I was hoping maybe you had. I know the man. Oh, I know predilections. Well, I know him well. But why don't you got no play? Yeah, that's right. Yeah. All right. Here's the party. Should we take a look at this nice couple? That's it. You look at this guy looks like the boyfriend looks like Miranda's boy. It looks like his boyfriend from Auburn City. No, no. The other. The other guy? The the model guy. Oh, Jared. Yeah, yeah. I don't pretend like you don't know. I'll wait. Here he comes. I'm surprised you're not pretending like you don't know. I know. That's sad. He's come back in two right now. Yeah. Good luck in six three blind guys search they won't get any publicity unless they write. It's the only way they can get any thing again about sex. It is about power. Now I know I was saying I've and I got to be honest with this. Take a look at this guy. Really nice to meet you. There he is to adjust the face of it now. Who's that guy like? Neither did Kobe stop it for a second. Let me just say this seriously. I kid a lot, and you know, some of the stuff's a little off color. But when it comes to rape and I agree with Houseand on this one, rape is not a sexual crime. It's not the sexual act. It's a violent, violent crime where you come at the end, but it has nothing to do with sex. You know, you do come, but some other than the part where you were you? Yes, I think yes. No, violent is just violent thing. Violent? Has nothing. It is. It is non-sexual, even when your penetration for the penetration in the come part. So it's like a violent, non-sexual crime where you come at the end. Like, it's as if, Brian, if you were walking out to your pickup truck tonight and I just attacked you with a crowbar. It'd be no. And then came. It'd be no different. You understand what I'm saying about it is that it is. It's about power. And then, you know, coming. But other than that, there's no sexual component other than the kids in there other than the sex are like, if I was if I were the only sexual component to the rape, is this, you know, yeah, having sex, having the sex and then the coming. But other than that, it's a violent non sexual crime where you come at the end. Right? You know why it's not about sex or like if I were going shopping and I was surrounded by a bunch of makeup and I didn't want to pay for it. So I grab some of the lipsticks and I put them, you know, in my purse or on my person or whatever they're stealing. And that one. And then I had sex with someone, and you can that guy came in that's like that. Well, maybe I did, too. OK. You had an orgasm, but it's part of this. It's a non sexual crime. No, it'd be like if I just pulled, you know, a couple of hillbillies pulled a pickup truck up to an ATM at 4:00 in the morning, put a chain around it, tried to pull it out from the wall. You know, while they're coming, you know? Right. But but but it's just that it's a violent crime. There's nothing to do with sex. You know, there's a certain amount of just, you know, airborne airborne. Like, if you were, yeah, you were, you were to hijack someone on the highway. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. My sex with them. It would be just the crime. Well, I know I've been saying maybe like if I, if I if I went into a carjacking, I mean, I went to a bank and I attempted to rob the bank. You know, and then and then came, it'd be like, You know what I'm saying? And non-sexual crime where you're having sex? You know what I'm saying? Or like, if all you're having sex with someone, you're also doing insider trading. Mm hmm. That would be a white collar literally inside or her inside her trading. Right? Yeah, that's good stuff. I see we see Jared one more time, the good looking spokesmodel. Mm hmm. There he is now he's coming back. Anybody. What kind of party breaks up at 8:30 in the morning? Free rave party. What is this guy's playing, by the way? I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to hang out at this party, introduce myself to about 13 people. Get my DNA spread all over the f**kin condo, and then I'll come back about nine o'clock, bust the window and with my elbow and attempt to write the check. While people are still walking down the driveway, getting into their car. Yeah, he seems less sharp than your average look at him. There he is, the new face of evil. He didn't get into Yale. Look out. All right. You don't think this guy could pull down supposedly on his own in the puss. He can pull down, right? The violence can overtake right violently. And then you can't. All right. Sorry, go ahead. I don't see what's so great about that, and not that I'm jealous, but he's so great about that girl. Not on. She has guys breaking down her door, literally. All right. Here we go. We have more news. Oh yeah, we do. We got to change the subject. Mm hmm. All right. Okay, so, so so you haven't heard from Drew and you haven't sent over some flowers? No, he's he's he's stirs drew, you know, land on his feet. And it's kind of nice, though, saying spent the night in the hospital as a patient. None of us would have to make that distinction, right? You know what I mean? Right. It's true. He has to make that distinction. He think he was working otherwise. He's very virile, man. He's also a passionate, passionate man. Wildly passionate in a violent way. You would like it, but passionate. Your mom would like it there. Yeah, she's a doctor. I don't even know. I don't know what you mean. He said. What is a catch? But I mean, have you experienced this passion? I have been privy to his passion. You've been in. I've been a party to his passion, but I've not been under his passion to be on top of it. You could be in front of him. I'm a passion by myself and without passion coaster. Well, how do you feel about the second honeymoon? We shouldn't. Bottoms Bottom's be called coasters. The guys wake up bottoms, all too graphic and weird, but coaster sounds nice coaster and Tumblr better than catcher? Yeah. Pitcher and catcher no good. Yeah, let's make the tumbler the top and let's make the let's make the bottom. The coaster coaster and Tumblr. I like that it's good code, and it suggests one is going on top of another. Hmm. All right, Brian. OK, David, they're not all tense. No, that's coaston. I love your coaster. Tell me, what are your coaster at? Oh me, person, I'm just saying hi to bar everybody. And I ask you coaster Tumblr. It's better than stands on the bottom or pitcher catcher, right? I'm a champagne flute. That's right. Spend the night. All right. But either way, if I announce I've been known coaster, I've been on a coaster and on Tumblr, that's what I like about you. So what the Kanimozhi? What would a Kanimozhi be? Our cozy, our cozy. I think cruises for seven. Maybe. Yeah, those be the bears, the bears who like that snuggle but cozy. So if you're cozy, your bear that likes the spirit if your coaster your bottom. If if your tumbler your top and if you're stein your power to write this down, if you're top, you're just a f**kin pound. If you're Stine, you're just to pound the s**t out of your tap. You might be a rapist. Yeah. And rape is a vile Oh, where? Where we. A rape was a deeply upsetting story. Mike Ryan, Write all this down. I got to get my new my new gay pecking order thing worked out. A Philadelphia abortion doctor has been charged with murder after authorities found what they refer to as a house of horrors at his clinic, where he evidently routinely delivered live and viable babies and then severed their spinal cords with scissors. And we actually have a clip, a clip of what the DEA, the DEA is describing what he saw at the clinic. It's very short. Hmm. All right. And bottles holding aborted fetuses were scattered throughout the building. A row of jars containing severed feet lined a shelf. Those are a delicacy. He and nine of his associates face first degree murder charges in the cases of seven babies. Dr. Kermit Gosnell, who ran the clinic from 1979 to 2010, was charged with murder, infanticide, conspiracy, abortion at 24 or more weeks and other charges. Gosnell is also facing third degree murder charges for the death of a mother who died from anesthesia. The charges follow a yearlong grand jury investigation. Prosecutors say the state health department was informed of violations at his clinic as early as 1996, but failed to respond until February 2010, when the clinic was raided during a drug investigation. Once in a while, when things are described as ghoulish. This is not a Vincent price type thing, but like when authorities described stuff, it's ghoulish. That's what this is. And by the way, Brinks, if you're listening, here's a white guy crime. This is our domain. Yeah, this is what we do. Where was this? It is in Philadelphia. But is he white, though? Oh, you didn't see it in him. He? I can't quite tell. This ain't the work of a brother. Let's put it that way. Well, let's get can. Can you find a picture of Kermit Gosnell? He's got to see this frog. I got to see this look like the guy was walking. Looked like he was a monkey. Looks like he might be the guy at the spokes guy, was it? Said, What is he? Is he black? I think he's a little of both. Maybe. Whoa. It's hard to tell. I can't tell. Well, it is not. Typically a Tacoma's are typically green. And it's take a big, big man to admit when he's wrong. Bryan, admit you're wrong. It's not easy being gray. Wow. What color? See Gray? 10. I think that's a bigger. I think the said my brother who said the guy walking out of the. The guy, there's a guy that maybe was working on the case. Maybe. Jesus Christ, I just grabbed his latte. I got to rethink every stereotype I've ever had. Oh no, this is going to take him down. Nicely done. I didn't put. I decided not to do it, actually. Anyway, this is like a horror movie. Wow. And this is, oh, I don't know what he is, but I sure would touch him out by coming up my curve with a shot back and tell you that right now. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, and I mean, all sorts of stuff has come out like he was charging, you know, 300 for a first trimester abortion and then in the thousands for late in the, you know, term abortion. He had different facilities for white and black women. And he was lying to them about how far along there. I mean, just like all segregation, it's hard to believe that it's real. It was lying to them about how far along they were actually and saying that they were less. Oh, what was the plan? I mean, other than being ghoulish? What was the plan? Was trying to sell fetuses, stem cell, whatever. I mean, was there a method, just madness or just feeling? I know I think he was making money from people who wanted abortions and in third trimester. Yeah. Well, he was, you know, all throughout. I think it was just an opportunist. No, I. I like that, I mean, to me, it's a hero getting rid of these f**king unwanted kids are just going to be criminals. You know, even after 24 weeks, which is illegal and for me, it goes right up into preschool. I don't care. But the point is, why is he keeping them all like frozen turkeys? Maybe he's just lazy, you know, hiding? Maybe he didn't want to invest it in his evidence. Yeah, get a wood chipper. Yeah, or a water balloon launcher and let the neighbors take care of it. He lacked follow through. That's the thing. That's the problem. Everything else? Fine. Right? But it was it was the the final. Well, you know, that's what they say about criminals. It's the dumb stuff that they they there's always sloppy, shoddy work. They do stuff like they're motivated enough to make a list of stuff they need, like zip ties, duct tape, either rag, but they're not motivated enough to burn the unless they make after. So later on, they find the last. It's like they're weird. But yeah, if you think about criminals in general, you'd think they should just write burn list on the list. That's that would be a good Coen Brothers movie. Yeah, I you should. Yeah, that's right. Whenever you do that punch list of s**t, you need to kill someone or duck someone, you know, shovel pickaxe duct tape and all that at the bottom and bald. Hey, dumb, f**k. Burn this last, right? That's what it should say. Yeah, you're right. It's a good idea. And then just to play joking yourself right over to see white, huh? It's nothing there, but there may be some more debt that. All right, I should tell you folks came home today, by the way, came out to the shop a little earlier noticed noticed I was out of the weed, came home for a little Jeremiah. We right now that makes you feel there's something about caring. I was carrying the Jeremiah weed bottle, the 90 proof cherry sour mash. I was carrying other things in my hand, so I had it tucked into my armpit. It's a nice square bottle fits nicely in the pit. Somehow, that made me an alcoholic because the sun was shining and I was walking up my driveway with this bottle shoved in my pit. I don't know why. If I've just been holding it right there, been a bow on it or something, I wouldn't have been an alcoholic somehow carrying a cup of coffee mugs in a CD and having it in my pit made me into essentially the drunk from Mayberry. Otis turned me into Otis. Yeah, tell me about that, Greenbank. It doesn't matter if it's cold outside Jeremy. Jeremy, it's my Spanish friend Jeremiah. Weed goes nice. It goes down nicely. Yeah. Love that cherry mash. Mm hmm. 90 proof. Can't taste it, though. We try that I never have, but I work for a little Tumblr. The weed do yourself a favor, especially if it's warmed by your armpit. Sweetie vodka is unbelievable as well. Drink the weed responsibly, but drink the weed. All right. Quick break pat. Who's coming in? Oh yeah, pat downs enact. Yeah. Love me a little Molly Hatchet. Good times, Patton Oswal is here. Pat yourself a book. Good to see pen. I wrote a book your book The Zombie Spaceship Wasteland. I've been reading it and watching it on iTunes up there near the top of the charts and the audio selection. How did you do your audio book? I sat down and read my book, and then there were certain sections like There's a chapter where I talk about working in a movie theater, and the R.E.M. album available for the Reconstruction was a big deal for me. So I use the lyrics of it as like little breaks in the narrative, and I got Michael Stipe to read his lyrics on the book or that's a that's a big pull, because big get. Because it's not like he does anything right? I mean, he he's a very active guy. He does a lot of stuff and produces. But you couldn't get him to do a commercial for AT&T. He wouldn't go like, I'm Michael Stipe and what? I'm chafing, right? I recall, by the way, thanks called Bond right through my German tour that I did. Sure. So do you know him? Evidently, I have friends. We have many, many friends in common. Mm hmm. And he turned out, you know, he said he was he'd be glad to do it and liked it, really. And what was really cool was when he read the lyrics and I wrote down and went to the I went to lyric sites where people had, you know, he he has hard lyrics to decipher. Sure. And he read the lyrics. He's like, Oh, these lyrics are all wrong. These aren't the lyrics that we wrote. But but he loved the fact that that's how they've been interpreted. Mm hmm. And that's how I heard it right? And that's how it affected my life, she goes, We're going to go with these. Yeah. So he was like, so cool about that. But he's like, No, once you I think he has that philosophy of when you record a song, kind of not yours anymore, like it's then in the hands of people that listen to it. Yeah, I it is funny, though, when you are sitting around with somebody, especially when a song is 15 or 20 years old that comes on the radio your friend starts singing and then they start f**king it up. Oh boy. It's a weird moment where you got a weird look on your face and then you have a decision to make. Do you destroy their world? You risk them embarrassing themselves in front of others. You may not be as kind as you. And what happens on karaoke night? OK, but what if they're so what? I Oh yeah, what? What happens if you look at that screen, their heart gets broken. My my friend Marc did the Toto song hold the line, hold the line and. Yeah, love it. And I'm just we're driving to Vegas and it came on like, Oh, I love this song, and it's like, not in the way that you were at a certain point and then he burst into it. Those are lies, but let it go. And I've realized he's had a 19 year run with this song screaming, Those are lies foisted upon me in the context of the lyrics that still works. Yeah, in in building them what they're what they're talking about. That's no. Unlike when my buddy Steve turned taking care of business by BTO into taking care pistons that that one did not work. I always find if we do this when we play the song, if we yell. Those are lies. I think it'll work, you know? Is that always nice? Yeah, those are lies. It isn't always on, it's still fit those allies. Love isn't always. Is on fire and plus more of your brain when it's f**king up can build a bridge just longer than the channel, your brain is never more creative when it's f**king up. Yeah, really can build bridges who thought that the squeeze song pulling muscles from the shell was actually about a girl named Michelle that gets murdered? Oh, really? Yeah. And it was something like, I love that song from Michelle. Like, like a guy, he thought it was a guy who was pulling the muscles out of Michigan. Miley had gone crazy and was murdering her at the beach. Or some f**king love this song? Yeah. So don't need to hear any more black coffee in bed. But this? I could hear a lot. A lot. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with this. Like this guy? Yeah. I mean, in all round this paperback. Yeah. And Michael Stipe has got to be the ultimate guide. Just talk about my song getting misinterpreted because he wrote. They did that song. The one I love is just about hatred. It's about, you know, you're just a prop. And now I'm on the road and another prop is occupying my time. And it was like this song that people played at weddings and from, like I said, it's not a love song. They did shiny, happy people sort of a goof till he probably did that to go, Look, you want a happy song, people about this. It was good friend. Yeah, I think that's sort of a good first one. There's a really tortured, brilliant piece of music. Know anything about the man other than he's huge into the AMA. He loves mixed martial arts. That's all I've heard about it. That's all I can tell. So he's ringside him and Joe Rogan. Never stop. But that's all I know about the man. Yeah. Look, then you know what everyone already knows. So you can't say, you know he loves the mic. Yes. So what is it? Is he in Atlanta? He's living their lives in it. I have a feeling he has homes everywhere, but he probably lives in Athens or Atlanta or someplace, and he's sort of citizen of the world. Is he? Is he by? Is he gay? Do you know? Don't know. I, you know, you hear him or I have a better shot with, yeah, who's got a better shot? And he's really at a certain point. East is starting to look like Bill Murray, if we could put some weight on him. Oh, there's nothing wrong with turning into Bill Murray. No, because he just just basically turning into Bill Murray says, you're turning into hot, rumpled wisdom, you know, like that that you turn to the rumpled that still gets chicks, right? So if he's headed towards Bill Murray, then he can just kick back and coast. That's a great place to head towards. Yeah, although I don't know if he wants to play, I'm heading towards Tova Borgnine. So I mean, I've got to fight every second of the way. I don't know if he wants to be like that little rumpled wisdom hat rumpled. He also looks like he's he is beginning to look like the guy who played the dad in Juno, whose name I'm forgetting. Simmons Yeah, Simmons got a little that little there that so you know, so he read, You got Michael Stipe to read his lyrics on the audio book. That is a huge idea. I asked a friend who asked him, and it wasn't that I got him to do it. It was that Michael Stipe was ridiculously nice to go. Yeah, I'll read this. My but I think part of it, you know, part of it is you being cool? I mean, I hope so. I mean, I mean, the reason? No, but I mean, you're not a douche bag comedian. Yeah. You know what I mean? You know what? I'm going to go ahead and agree with you. Yeah, it takes. It takes a brave, brave man. Hang on. I just feel like I've just I've just taken a step off a cliff. I'm not a douche bag comedian. OK? I've admitted it. Well, no, not saying if you were, you know, I don't know Jeff Foxworthy or the guy does a ventriloquist things that sells a million sells out stadiums. Yeah. Jeff Dunham and all the puppets are racist. Yeah. Right, right. If you were that guy, Michael probably wouldn't have agreed to sign off on it. Yeah. Could you read something with my puppet, the black puppet with the gigantic lips and teeth raised up with that right name, Lucious? I help you out, right? That should help your image. You're you're you're thinking man's comic and a smart comic. That's what I would say and versatile I was. I was saying I heard a very interesting story that J.K. Simmons told me. I met him at a screening and and I was like, I've I've been a huge I don't want to bother you. I'd have been a huge fan of yours ever since, like Oz. And again, he was so nice. Talk to me for like ten minutes. And he was saying, You know, my wife is a Broadway actress and she was in Beauty and the Beast. She was one of the, you know, like dancers and chorus members. So there were all these, you know, in the Broadway musical the the silverware comes out and dances and the teapot, you know, like, there's not everyone is so he said. A lot of the when he was doing Oz, a lot of the knives and forks were, you know, gay men, gay men were playing these parts and they all would tell her, Oh, your husband is J.K. Simmons. They all had these weird fantasies about his character on Oz, the kind of the rapist white supremacy guy. Sure. So there was a whole line of knives and forks and the Beauty and the Beast musical. Had like gay rape. White power. Our fantasies about Jake, and I wonder, like if you're a spork, are you buying like I'm trying to think, like I say, in the knives, gay guys for sparks, you guys, you guys, Janelle, Elton John, your spork. Is this a fork with three tines versus 4G, right? One of those weird, hey, you know, I made out with him last week and now he's he's hanging out with with Frank the spoon. What's going on? He's, you know, he's a spork. Oh, no, I didn't know that. Yeah. He's a total spawn. Jesus Christ. Oh, he's cool doing. Oh yeah. So he's a sport. Don't spark faze. Yeah, it could be the strength there as well as our fence sitters. Yeah, he's in college right now. Yeah, in college. It wasn't just for experimented with sparks at one time or another. He also had a spark phase. And I don't know if it's just because I am sort of shut down or on the wrong time. If you'd gone to Jewish camp in the 70s, you would have had a specific experience. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, for for you. And I was watching rats do it with my kids and enjoying that and explaining, explaining to my Guatemalan nanny, Old Guy said, I know the guy who does the voice of the rat, right? And she said he does not talk. And I said, Yes, he does. And she just night and I said, Yeah, he's got to wait. He'll start talking. And then at certain point, you start talking and you wanna make that noise that Latin people make when you're right. I don't know. He's talking radio. So that was that and and I was thinking, it's nice. So, you know, you make you make independent films, you do standup, you write books, you do animated films, big budget stuff and all that kind of stuff. Do you like just bopping around and playing all the different instruments in the orchestra pit? Definitely. Yeah, that's that was my kind of my dream was I always wanted to stand up first and foremost, but to get to do interesting things and make money doing it and or not, you know, not not not to make like crazy money, because then it, then it takes over your career and that's what you have to do. Yeah, but just to be to have the freedom to keep being a moving target and never have to settle on one thing, right? And just all. I'm interested in doing this. I'm going to go do this right, you know, and he always standup is basically like, you're a blacksmith, and it's 200 years ago and you're just walking from town to town, but you have a hammer and have an anvil and you can always pick up some work. Yeah. So if the s**t doesn't work out and whatever the trading, you know, the whole space thing doesn't work out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can always just pick up that hammer and the anvil and get back to work. There's always a horse that needs shoeing and there's always a pot of stew. Sure, someone's in someone's path. Right. And I just kind of go in and how to show your mules if you're that's kind of what standup is to it is now. Yeah, a guy. Yeah, yeah. And it's it's also it is a completely dictatorial post. I there is no committee, right? There's no collaboration. I just go up and whenever I say goes and there is two, I still have that outlet with all the other stuff I'm doing which and I have no problem like but writing a book, you weren't you? You wrote a book. There were sure you had an editor that was like, Hey, it might work better if, like, you had to work back and forth. Well, a little because I mea-, I always get the twenty seven year old chick who has no idea what I'm talking about. And then does the No one would ever. But no one's heard of Huey Lewis in the news, you know, like that kind of thing. And you go, I have sweetie, you're just you're too. You're you not in your, you know, instead of Slade. Can we say Justin Bieber? Let me just float that out there, right? I know you like, slayed whoever that person is. I and I got along great with my editor and she was great. But she comes from a completely different background, and she's much younger than I. She's a different gender. Hair's a different color than mine. And you're just not going to have these shared experiences and thus your experience is going to seem sort of alien to her. And and so you have to deal with that. And by the way, you're writing a book, you can't tell Crown or whatever money was who published my book? I got to find it. Good question. Yeah, smokey books. Didn't you go with smokey books with Smokey? Yeah, there was a crown or something for Collins. HarperCollins? Yeah. And then Crown every month or something like that. But the point is this you can't tell them, Go f**k off. Like you go. Listen, sweetie, I've written no books in my life, so I think I know what I'm talking about. All right. You can't argue with that zero track record. I don't know who this Don DeLillo is. You've added right, but I have been on Conan O'Brien 11 times, so I think I know what I'm talking about with my I was in a Sierra Mist commercial, right? You will leave that paragraph untouched. Right. I don't care how passive the verbs. Random House, sorry. There you go. Yeah, you're a little unknown indie rock label, Random House. Yes, you can't do it, but now. So speaking of, you know, independence and doing your own thing and as a as a creator, it's not just comedy. It's really just whether you're painting or whether you're doing poetry. Yeah, you sort of want to be left alone and you want to do what you think's interesting. You need time to go hermit it up a little bit. And there's a lot of that. A lot of chefs in the kitchen when it comes to comedy, especially sitcoms. And yes, and the thing I wanted to ask you about is when I was at NBC doing my failed sitcom. Matthew Broderick was at NBC doing his failed sitcom, and I heard Weiss, who else is in the sitcom, said Peyton Oswald's in a sitcom. And then at a certain point, they did a table read and they said, Pat Oswald's not in a sitcom. And I said, And I'm not just, you know, no, no retroactively kissing. And I was like, Penn is a super talented guy, has it big body work behind him. They knew exactly what they were getting when they hired him. What could have happened at that table read? Well, from what I can recall, I love it. No. Well, basically what happened was that the healing started the the and by the way, the table read is just before you start shooting so much. It was the here's what sucks about it. It was the the creator and the and the exact producer wanted me over the objections of the network from the get go right, like this is the guy we want. This is how we want to take the show. And then it was like, we want a really young guy in this role. And they went, No, no. Young guys, not right. It's got to be an older guy because of how we're doing this, this thing. And so they basically they dug their heels and they won that battle. But the network let that go so that they could eventually win the war. And, you know, I'm not trying to, you know, say that I got, you know, I'm not trying to whine and say that I got screwed over. So bad stuff happens all the time. You just move on. But it was one of those table reads where they had a satellite hookup with L.A. that the screen kept going out. You're in New York. Back here in New York, Matthew Broderick was like the nicest guy. And then after another Big Mama fan and then after, Oh God, that's a huge, huge challenge to do push ups. You'll be 70 right there. Yeah. So he. And he was like, so nice to me after the next day when when basically I got the call from the creator saying, Look, they're they're telling me either either if you get fired or there's no show. And the Tiberi was a disaster for everybody because everything the mix would cut out the screen would cut out. It was a nightmare. But and then I said, Look, I just went through this really bad experience on Broadway, where I got dragged into something that I had nothing to do with. And I'd really like this to be kept out of the press because people get let go from sitcoms all the time in the early stages. And he said, Oh yeah, this will be nothing. And then when I landed the next day in L.A., I get a call. I get a text from the show's creator going, Oh, I'm so sorry about The Hollywood Reporter, man. And I went and I and I and I and I was in the car going home, and I had him pull over that newsstand on Kohanga. And I, pictured right on the front by Patton Oswalt, fired after a disastrous table read. Yeah. And I was just like, Oh, this ! So that was that was a really awful thing. It's as if you f**ked up the table read. Yeah. And what really struck was the people that were being really good, the creators. And I'll say it, I did a really good job. I did a really good job and not what I read. The reporter well is Hollywood reporters gospel basically. Yeah, so. And Matthew Broderick was so fun to work with. And then these two unknowns who also they played people that were on the staff, these two young actors that were fantastic. And then everything just got kind of screwed over because of the because of the the network had a different idea about it. And sometimes it's so so those people go to bat on your behalf. That can really backfire, you know, and it was what happens is, is it, you know, somebody says, No, we weren't panton, and the network says, no, we don't want pan. And then they they'll shove it up the ass, but it's a temporary ash. Oh yeah, you will get shat out eventually. Yeah, they're pretty strong a*s muscles. Right? And they can shoot something right. But it's amazing. Fight like a dart, the dip and cure all. Well, they fired that, but they fired that, but are all the way back to L.A. and here's what you don't hear out of the network, folks. You don't hear Hey man, we were wrong. That guy's awesome. So what? What they it's hard to turn them around, so they just wait for an opportunity. I would have been totally cool with, you know, you did a good job, but it's not what we want. I understand that I've been on the other end of that casting stuff, you know, casting other pilots where there's someone that I fought for so hard. And then then the network makes an ultimatum and I have to go either fight for this person or I have no show. Right, and it really sucks, you know? I mean, Tina Fey went through that on on 30 Rock, you know, so it's really hard. Sure, it really sucks. But again, that's what we were talking about earlier when you get to that level. There are cooks in the kitchen way more than you. And you don't have it's not a dictatorial post to create a sitcom or do a movie or write a book. Right? And but a little more writing a book, maybe a little more in an independent film. Yeah, something like big fan, especially which part was great and and it did a, you know, almost serious role, which was very good. And and then there is now and then we get this. But the thing I couldn't figure out because I was doing a sitcom simultaneously for NBC and in New York, no, I was in L.A. having having the same kind of casting arguments with you with the bra*s. Oh yeah, except for an indifferent one. Except for it's so awesome. No, I, you know, I don't mind people being wrong. I mean, when people are wrong and then just grab onto it with both hands and take it to the grave like they never go, Hey, sorry. But we we were doing a sitcom and they basically saw my independent movie The Hammer and then went, which is a terrific movie, by the way. Thank you. That is that was a really terrific, like early 70s kind of, you know, that era of filmmaking kind of movie that that was to play actually and interest. And so they wanted to capture a little slice of that. Sure. So I said, OK, we'll do that and we'll get me and Kevin Henchy wrote The Hammer will do it sitcom single camera sitcom version of that, and it'll be me and my sidekick Oswaldo from the hammer that everyone loved. And they're like, Well, we're not casting that guy. And I was like, Why not? And they're like a he's he's an unknown. He's not an actor. And I was like, Well, he wasn't an actor before we get a 90 minute. Yeah, he was. He was good in which you seemed to like you guys like that movie. And Sports Illustrated was the best sports comedy of 08. So how bad can he be? So why don't we? And I've known the guy for 20 years, so why don't and the camera likes him? There is why not just put Ozzie in the role of, by the way, the Rose called Ozzie? Maybe it's guys with names who sound like Oswald or Oswald. They just get screwed. Whether maybe that's it. Yeah, like I say, the Latin version who pattern. We looked at 700 Latin guys, and the problem was that they all had to do a bad fake accent. And the bad fake accent was kind of a turnoff. Like it was kind of racist, racist. It was racist. So they ended up. So at some point, I gave an impassioned speech in front of everyone and I just said, Look, you know, now we're like Gary Cooper at the end of Fountainhead and four days away from taping, and I said, Please listen to me. That's they cast a Puerto Rican guy who had red hair, freckles and was in his early 20s for this sidekick guy who was supposed to be in his early 50s, late 40s, whatever. Right? And at a certain point, I said to everybody, Please listen to me. I know this guy. We've worked together. We shot a movie together. The producer, the creator of this show, the co-creators of the show, shot an independent film that you guys all love with this guy. Believe me, the audiences love this guy. They start laughing when he walks on to the end of the frame. He's a lovable, likable guy. Believe me, there was no problem. And if you hire the guy from New York who's Puerto Rican, who speaks perfect English. And tell him to hang him up a Spanish accent. You could offend some people. And they said, Thank you. Now we're going to hire the guy from New York who's 24 with Puerto Rican, who speaks perfect English. And they hired him. Two days later, we did a table read and he faked the accent. The table read went great, except for one part. This guy's comical, fake Spanish accent, which wasn't really his fault. He was trying to do it. That's what when we were done, they went in the room, convened for half an hour, came back in and said, We liked it. Everything was great. We had one major problem. That guy with the fake accent was offensive and I was like, Hell, hello. Hello. You. What sucks is that not only for the fruit basket and then say what you have to say a f**king nut jobs. You are all wrong all the time, Jesus f**king cries. Not only do you, does it make you look bad. It takes this young actor who's probably a terrific actor, puts him in a horrible position where he has to do something bad and then he looks awful. And then they blame stuff. So it just yeah. And again, everyone looks awful, except them. They're the ones have to go. Adam, what is your problem that was so racist? Why did you take that? And you look like this? This animal basically nice guy. Good actor. He was an Aussie Aussie is a forty nine year old. It's almost like they're blaming him for not being forty nine years old. I know we heard this 20 year old and he didn't have the courtesy to turn forty nine years old after we hired him and Aussies, Aussies character and Aussie or Nicaraguan. This guy's not Nicaraguan. This guy has red hair and freckles like he had a fake accent. It was a horrible decision made by a group of what I now know are stupid people who are not smart enough to apologize quite honestly, when they're f**king wrong. But you enough to do it aren't human enough. I spent an entire the entire prep for the show arguing over Ozzy's role when we could have been actually working on the product. Take all this. Ozzy is the nicest guy in the world, and Ozzy just sat there and then at a certain point when we were done and this guy gave us semi offensive performance two days before it was time to start rolling now, they said. I said, All right now to understand what just happened there. Let's get Ozzy. And they said, Not so fast. You need to work with this guy and get him into shape. And I said, really still not still not ready to cut this one leg just feels like every time I get hired a punch of a script that I'm being paid a nice, a nice amount of money to work, to have to fix a script that someone got a profane amount of money to write badly. Mm hmm. Does that make sense? Oh, yes. And that always drives me nuts when they're just like, We look, this guy wrote a horrible script, but we sent him away with a couple million. So he's off licking his wounds. Here is a a bagel tray and all the coffee you can drink to punch this thing up and make it work. Yeah, because of this script you wrote a few years ago that we really like that we'll never shoot in a million years, but it certainly got you the punch up. I hear that doesn't sound like such a bad no. But again, it's like, I'm not. I'm not going to b***h about, Oh, woe is me. I'm just saying, look at the value system is very skewed and not only very, very skinny. The thing that is insane to me and it's insane to me in almost all facets of life, which is this at a certain point, and I don't know why people don't focus. I wish people focused a little more on psychology and a little less on religion, politics or even the bottom line at a certain point. Somebody's got to say to somebody, Hey, man, the star of the show and the creator of the show and the writer of the show does not want to work with this Puerto Rican guy who he's never met before, who's 24 and from New York, who he has no chemistry with. Why do we want to shove these two together to create instant chemistry chemistry when the star of the show obviously just doesn't want to dance with this dude? Why not just give him the guy he's used to working with? Even if that guy has his shortcomings or limitations, at least the guy who's known him for 20 years in a shot and independent movie with him? Where's the psychology of f**king r****d? You know what? I think the psychology is obviously they're pompous asses, and that's where it comes. It's also but it's it's it's the insecurity of it's the people at the top. And it's these three words that ruin so many sitcoms in development, which is I'm funny to you. I just I don't know if you know, but I not see an indication. When I was in college, I did a little creative writing. I just want to. I mean, I'm funny, too. I can add stuff to this and I'd be glad to help you out. Like. Yeah, I mean, you have that that that podcast and you run all those shows. But I just it's it'll it'll relieve, you know, that I'm also really funny, like around the office, the people that I pay, they're in hysterics. And every time I say something, they think I'm amazing. Amazing. I want to. I always want to do this because, you know, you know, this goes, especially when you're doing the table read or your punch, you're getting the notes or whatever. You're getting. Somebody who's in the business of being funny but doesn't have a shred of funny in them gives you this. At some point they go, What if pat pan? What if? What if instead of, you know, instead of confronting your ex-girlfriend at the dry cleaners, you did not this. But something like, I mean, not this, not this isn't funny, but something like something I always want to yell, Hey Dick, how about you spit some out? That's funny. How about that? OK, see this. I got a ballpoint pen. Go, yeah, go ahead. Don't give me. Not this. Not right, right? They do. They do not what you want to do. Not what you think is funny. I have another idea. It's not funny. Not this. Not this, but something like but not this, but no shoulder. Yeah. Not this. Not this, really. Here's the deal. How about this? How about I got a solid eight? You beat it with a nine or you shut the f**k up. Don't get me into this. I asked why I've. All right. Adam Cole Show 41, Part one, part two tomorrow on the a classic speed. Until then, our final call today. Adam Carolla Show 514 featuring Nick Santora, Dan Dratch, Alison Rose and Brian Bishop. This one's also 2011 is one aired March 3rd, 2011. Part one today. Part two Tomorrow. The Call The Classic Speed. Check it out. You're listening to the Ace Broadcasting Network. Back from Girl One Studios in Glendale, California, and streaming live on Ustream, thanks to new tax TransCanada. This is the Adam Carolla show. Adam's guest today. The minds behind Amy's breakout kings. Nick Santora and Dan Dratch, plus Alison Rosen on News Ball. Brian on sound effects and a round of Know Your S-H. And now the nasally voice of a generation. Adam Cole Yeah. Get it on. Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on mandate. Get it on Mike Lynch. Search out Dr. Stefano's discount a**l emporium because Dan Dratch wrote that amongst other man show bits. But we'll show you guys that bet was one of my favorite little quickie bets that Dan wrote dancer sister Rachel Dratch, you know, and I do. Yes. Nick Santora, dear dear friend, both dear friends is going to come in here with talk about their latest project. I'm going to talk to you about GameFly for one second. Game of Lidcombe. It's the Netflix of video games. We talk about it. Why spend all the money be like me? You get trapped in the lower deck. You never get out of your bank, catch on fire. You can't get to the top with Cuba Gooding Jr. and fire that ack gun at the zeros. Test out the games. Use the game fly. Have it brought to your house? You know, drop it off. They pick it up. It's no big deal. You don't have to leave your house, by the way. You know, if you're one of these guys, it's morbidly obese. This is an offer for you. You just did the old man thing recalled of the game. Play the game, fly, sign the. I'd just say no. Yeah, except they wouldn't pronounce Seinfeld. Seinfeld. Yeah, I save a ton of money over buying these things and then check them out. And if you like one, then you can buy one free shipping games delivered right to your door. No due dates, no late fees. Go to Adam Curl Adcom, click on the banner or go to GameFly.com/ Adam Carolla and sign up for your special extended free trial. I don't know what's better extended or free, but either way, why not have both? Why not have both dropped my name? Game Flinchum OK, something funny I didn't share with you guys. Mike August I should say Mike Lynch will probably back me up on this one. We're flying to Denver a couple of weeks ago and in the good stuff. Yeah. Anyway, let me bring out Dan and Nick. We're flying to Denver and there was one of these hipster dudes who was on the plane and I I've just had an impact at Asheville. A hipster dudes. Just, I don't know, it's the shoes, it's the pants, it's the pre tattered jeans, the glasses frames. It's the whole thing. And this guy even had hipster luggage like Sherman, brushed titanium. And it was this crazy piece of luggage that was it looked like a piece of like art deco aircraft from the 30s like aluminum, something Howard Hughes would have built in the 30s like aluminum drilled out solid shell. It was really should have been a museum. But the problem and it's something that I've learned from doing a lot of traveling. I'm just gonna throw this tip out there to everyone. People have got me a lot of nice luggage over the years, and my wife has bought me nice stuff for presents and gifts. But the hard shell stuff that seems really great is not great because it doesn't accordion. You can't mash it, right? My piece of luggage that I travel with is something they gave me for free when I did the Toyota Grand Prix a year ago. It's got wheels on it, but it's like a backpack on wheels. And if need be, and if it's not fitting that overhead compartment you mash that s**t in, it will match. You can sit on it, mash it and put. When you got the hard candy shell, it ain't going right. So Mr. Beach in comes pulling into the plane and the plane. The flight is completely full for the Denver, and he pulls out this beautiful what would have been bought like the kind of thing you're going to airstream it like in Neiman Marcus catalog, you know, $600 brushed titanium, whatever. But it's solid as a rock and attempts for literally 20 minutes to get it into the air, while the entire at a certain point, people in the plane are shouting between laughter or shouting out instructions like now turn it, turn it clockwise to put the wheels, put the wheels toward the wheels toward the back. People are yelling this out or your yelling, you know, I'm just sitting there amused watching the flop sweat pouring down his head and his smoked cool guy glasses become tilted askew on his nose. Mike, am I making this up? My view is everybody else is doing the yelling. In this case, he let everybody do his business for him. How long did he struggle with that piece of luggage? It was. It was a good 10 minutes. I mean. Was it the coolest piece of luggage you've ever seen in your life? It had like steel underneath. It was like a Cadillac from the 50s. You know, it would not frame it was that more frames and cruel hands and it would not give an inch was the problem. And this guy tried it like twenty six ways to Sunday. Like it was an odd shape to it. Like it wasn't square. It was sort of weird. It was at right angle. Sort of. The point is is people are just yelling stuff out at a certain point, and it's just nice to see, you know, the only thing would have been better if the plane went a crash, but either unaware around, I bet it would be a flotation device, I'm sure. Yeah, I'll forget it. A cigarette boat like pull the thing and a big old like just the hipsters. Yeah, yeah. Come on board hipster, women and hipsters, children, women and hipsters and hipsters first. Yes. So it was funny to see that guy struggle with that piece of artwork, and it just goes to show you the little piece of s**t one. But again, don't get the hard shell wine, get the collapsible one in any shape. Not only has it collapses, but you can stuff more stuff into it if you end up needing to do that. Also, we did. We had a cool move, which is you want to talk about Mike Lynch? This guy's an outlaw. Always. I always do. Yeah, he's he's an outlaw. He's the Ted Hendricks of travelers. He's really one of the writers from the 70s. At a certain point, they said anyone past this point with rolling luggage needs to check their luggage to flight is to fall. And Mike was sort of looking down at the luggage. He was dragging behind him on the wheels, and she said anyone with rolling luggage going to have to get a gate check. And Mike colleague said For the handle up and put it up under your arm now. And he was like, huh? It was like, it was like one of those movies where, you know, like a sort of like that 70s Chevy Chase, Goldie Hawn thing was like, Here do this, huh? What? No, I'm not. And he pulled the luggage up and he stuffed it under his arm, and all of a sudden that roll on became a carry on. Were you nervous interference for me? And I just jumped ahead and blocked. Yeah, and I pretending to have an epileptic seizure was probably taking it a little too far. But either way, it was a diversion. And Mike skated right past them and shoved his cramp. By the way, my time we gained, we lost from hipster with the other. But when push comes to shove, you guys work like a well-oiled machine now. Mike, please take the frilly ribbon off of your luggage. By the way, there is a weird that really lace ribbon that is tied around the handle of his luggage. It's a kind of thing where my mom put that on my suitcase. He understand you're not an old West gunfighter and your best girl's not giving you. You know her good luck charm. You're just going to Denver. Tell a couple of jokes about that so that if it when it comes down the pike, it's bright, right? So you can see it from our suitcases. Am I right from outer space? I mean, the wife have matching luggage. Oh God. Ribbons around each one. But hold on. Hold on. Hold on a second. Hold on a sec. Let me explain something. You want to know the difference between who's is what? No hours between other people on the plane who might have the same. Yours is against the luggage on the plane. That's how you know who it is. It'll be a c**k hanging out of it. That's how it goes. But please don't do something but get a Sharpie and draw a pirate on there or something like this electrical cord around. Do something like that. Weird. I mean, you've got to see it. It's tied and it's so precious. It's done in such a way. It's like that Tony Orlando song from the 70s. Like, if I don't see that gay god that Sam's night, I'll stay on the plane. Because Claire asked me the other day, Has he made fun of you for that yet? And I was like, No, no surprised. I assure her that internally, I've done it so many times that I'm actually tired of making fun of it, and that's why I've not voiced it. But I thank you for doing it on the podcast as opposed to personally. That was the first time I'd heard that, though, and it was. It worked. It's driving me insane. All right, let's get rid of that. Where are we? Adam, you were in my dream. Was that finally happened? What happened out of the podcast into the dream? OK, so in real life, your wife told me about. But beep beep beep as a thing to say, you get a little windy and that you guys say this to each other, and that she even taught your children how to say it. I don't say to her, Oh, we don't say it to each other. It's not a two way criticism street. It's a one way flume. Oh, criticism. Well, that's not how it was presented to me. But anyway, so in my dream, I said to you, it's Italian for you out there. You know, it's like it's it's telling for blah blah blah blah blah, yada yada yada. Well, I spoke Italian in my dream because I turned to you and I said, But beep beep beep. And I did the hand gesture too, and then I drove away. It was a drive by one thing and you were standing there with a friend, but I was looking in the rearview mirror to see your reaction because your wife in real life has assured me there will be laughter. But instead of, there was just nothing. And then I saw you turn to your friend and. Went duh, it's the beep. Not, but beep. Mm. Yes, it's sort of fast in succession, but I will laugh in real life when you give me the baby baby, baby baby. Not now. After I explained the whole dream by the big Kesha, which is the big casino. I used that one. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, the problem with the beep beep beep beep is it's cute. When the kids do it, try to shush daddy. Everyone tries to shush daddy. And the problem with the shushing daddy strategy is it's always met with the long winded speech of how you better hope daddy doesn't shut up because the house is going away, and so is the but. But but Jaguar you're driving and the mansion, it's all about going away. When Daddy, finally, when you finally realize your dream of shedding pops up, it all goes away. So think about that, but be careful what you wish for. All right. Shall we do a little bonus? Yes. Five from the International News Center next to Donny's mini bikes. This is the news with Alison Rosen, says Katie's last day on assignment in Israel, and we have her final report going to keep doing this. All right now, let's hear. Yeah, let's hear it. Let's hear live, laugh as well. Katie Levine. It's an extensive research in the western world today, found out there's still trouble in the Middle East. Back to you, Adam. And you're really near the coal mine. Yeah. Yes. Printed out. Yeah, yeah. The front lines. Yeah, yeah. Trouble in the Middle East. I wonder if she'll be changed when she gets back after. Fall, she's seen. Mm hmm. Well, who knew? You know what I mean? I never heard any trouble coming out of that region. Now it's a surprise, and it's good that she's there to cover it. I would like to. I don't know if you guys are with me on this, but a class action lawsuit against the Middle East, like you guys are ruining my. You're ruining my quality of life. If I've had to hear about another one of your motherf**kers in your stupid antics like I'm here's a deal. You have x amount of years on the planet and you if those years are spent thinking about puppies and daffodils are in front of you and then it's going to be pretty good life. And if you're thinking about the Middle East, it's going to be pretty s**tty life. And I feel like I've already dedicated five lifetimes into thinking about that s**t hole, right? And I don't feel like our parents did that. Oh, sure, you can take them to court. You might even win. But good luck collecting. Yeah. Do you want to? Do you want to use your remaining years trying to chase down that? I might just be like Larry Flynt. Then someone's going to shoot me and I'll be in a wheelchair and it's got to be. It's going to be horrible. But I'm just saying, I want my f**kin time back. I spent thinking about you, a*****es and all the collective thoughts that every American has ever had. And by the way, I'll throw in Canadian and a few sober Mexicans think about. Here's how we can solve this problem. You can't solve the problem. You do that. Why do they do that gesture when they say it? Not, we can solve this problem. I think I can help Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd from 1978, a wild and crazy crowd and crazy pundits. Yes. So the Supreme Court, there are some wild and crazy markers. Yes. Supreme Court said that it's OK for Westboro Baptist Church to protest funerals because the First Amendment protects that kind of thing. So, wow, what a bummer. Although I am a fan of the First Amendment. Yeah, I don't. You know again, I'm not into the slippery slope thing. It's not that kind of thing where you go, Oh, OK, so you you're against it. I hate when people do that. OK, so if you don't give them the right to yell God hates f*gs at a decorated military guy who was blown up by a bouncing Betty, then you're going to want to put a bumper sticker on your car that says, my kids and a student over at Johnson Elementary. And you know what? They could rip it right off your car and say, you don't have the right to do that and shut the f**k up. So you are in favor of making it illegal. I am a fan of sanity, which is I live a life that has an up and a down, a right and a wrong. And and this is wrong. Yeah, we can all agree. It's wrong. And you putting a gay flag bumper sticker on the back of your orange Mini Cooper convertible non-turbo is your god damn business. That's not right. That's not hurting anyone. This is hurting people. This is you don't have the right. My feeling is you don't have the right to f**k with someone's funeral any more than you have the right to f**k with someone's wedding or someone's bar mitzvah or someone's private. If it was on private property, it'd be different. But because the funeral is on public property, then they're protected by the First Amendment, and now they're going to quadruple their effort. Hold on. Is it public property? I mean, particular funerals were. So if I went to Forest Lawn, you know what I mean? I mean, like all I'm saying is this when when Madonna and Sean Penn got married? Not that I like either one of those two characters, but who the f**k wants to get married? Have a helicopter buzzing over their marriage over the ceremony the whole time? It's like, Hey, man, it's public airspace. Hey, man, you don't have the right. Hey, man, f**k off. It's wrong. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, a certain point. Here's the problem with our blanket policies. Our blanket policy means every f**king old, red haired chick has to go through the f**kin atomizer thing and go get strip search at the f**kin airport at just the same as every swarthy guy from the Middle East. It's wrong. It takes up too much time. It's bulls**t. Just start saying This is right. This is wrong. It's easy. It's easy to do. But what if you disagree with the person who says it's right and wrong? Listen, there there is. There is sanity and there is gravity, meaning you can have a no weapons being brought brought to school policy. That's good. No kid should bring a gun or a knife to school, that's fine. But if some kid forgets and his dad's leather man is in his backpack, you don't suspend that kid for three days. It's called a judgment call. You know what I mean? You go. This is not the same as him being a 44 to cla*s. Oh, it's a weapon. Oh, there's a two inch blade on the back of that letter. No, no, no. It's a mistake. You look at things case by case and you go right or wrong. It's pretty easy. It's what we get to do as a society. We get to. We are imposing these laws on ourselves. What I don't quite understand, though, is that the argument against them being allowed to protest at funerals would be that it's harassment and for some reason, in this case, it's not harassment. I, to me, if there could be no more sacred time for a family than, I mean to me, it's spring break and then funerals and terms of just sacred, and it's close to the Bachelor Bachelorette party. OK. Super. OK, football getting back. Super Bowl getting what? Getting waxed to be in there. That's not a Super Bowl Bachelor party spring break senior Vegas week for our senior trip banks weekend, then funeral. That's the most sacred time. Let's close that are its top five Typekit provide time to top 10. Probably. At least probably. Yeah. Why is the Constitution not protecting the sacredness of those rituals? I'm saying it's a sacred time. And he's asked why he shouldn't be able to f**k it up. Here. Here? Yes. Charlie Sheen sons have been taken away from him. What can you believe? It did not see that coming, especially after watching him with the goddesses and them talking about taking care of his his sons? I got to tell you I would have much rather Charlie Sheen raise me. Charlie Sheen and his merry band of w***es and my parents. Any day of the week, at least I would had fun. Yeah. Well, it's not too late because bad news is their game anatomically correct? That's the sad news. So Brooke Mueller, though, said that Charlie Sheen, you have a problem with her. I just I don't understand why he got married to her. Number one, number two, I always think about Denise Richards. What is her deal? She has full custody. What about the other kids? I don't know. These are these are not those kids, though. Mm hmm. But I think she did. She's got kids with custody for custody. All right. Well, now she'd say, Yeah, that'd be nice. Can they give her full, fuller custody? Yeah. Increase in absolute custody. We're going to shove one back up your vagina, sweetie. We're getting that much custody using your custody. Yes. And Charlie's travails? Yeah. Well, so Brooke Miller said that he threatened to kill her over the weekend. I will cut your head off, put it in a box and send it to your mom. That's not the Charlie I know. I know. Mm hmm. But he says that this is fabricated, and he called the allegation colorful, interesting. It's nice when smart people go crazy and get drug addled. You mean, who's that person in this case? I agree wholeheartedly. Sort of like Tim Leary when he got, you know, gets super, super high on acid. You know what I mean? Like, Sheen's a genius. I don't think he's a genius, but obviously he has a pretty good grasp on his vocab vocabulary and he can string together a sentence. So it's kind of nice, you know, better than when I'm blathering. Don't get dumb frat guys. f**k you, douche. f**k. Stick f**king c**k f**ks douche. Dude, are you gay? f**king f**k. I want to bring some s**t over here. I f**king f**k you c**k up. You f**king douche f**ker, bro. f**k it, pro. Step up. Yeah, he did. Yeah, I did. Yeah. Yeah, you did. I didn't think so. Douchebag what's up? What's up? Break it up, f**king dude. I didn't think so. c**k new shot stopper can dish f**king c**k. Just do you f**king c**k to show off her step up, dude. Cartoonish douche you focus on, you know, if nasty glamour douche. No, but it's nice when that smart guy, you know, guy and that guy, you know, considering the other sentence goes nutty. So we have a clip of Charlie Sheen talking about this. Okay? He doesn't even think I'm stupid. This is on me. I assume they were going back to the house and they've been living with Brooke when they're not with me. And and I think we got reports last night they were at a hotel in Santa Monica somewhere. I mean, at this moment on live television, I do not know where my children are, but I'm not panicking. This is not about emotions, and my ego is just about getting very focused and getting very much in touch with what I have to do to to complete the task of I'm bringing these two beautiful young men. Back to the home that they deserve to be raised him and his kids. Hmm. Later on, we're going to interview Stedman from another intersection. What is going on? She had a falling chair out in the middle of an intersection. She's down in the middle of the street. Yeah, I I don't know anymore, but I also, like every single news organization right now, have a dedicated Charlie Sheen phone line just in case he wants to do more interviews. Let's put it, I have it. Do we have that? I know we have a sheen line set up. Mm-Hmm. My real question is is are the obits already written? I'm sure. Yeah, I'm sure. Mm hmm. Yeah. Now do you think they just do this thing where it's like they go, you know? You know, actor best known from Platoon, Wall Street, blah blah blah died at the age of and they just put the four in there. But they leave. They pay. Right? Take the right. The B. Yeah, right? I guess. Yeah. Leave, leave, leave. Put the put the beginning part of the date, the 2000, the put the 2011 part that fill in the day. Or maybe they put that day and then each day they change it. Probably not. Well, either way, it would create. It's amusing and sad, all at the same time. Last story Turns out, according to a study, people with full bladders make better decisions than people with not full bladders. So he's got PR smarts, married that like horse sense. All right. I never knew what it meant, but now I know is a college educated, but the kid's got good p smart, right? Because your brain self-control mechanism provides restraint in all areas at once. People are more able to control their impulses for short term pleasures and choose more often an option which is more beneficial in the long run. Mm hmm. So volunteers were asked to drink either five cups of water or to take small sips from five separate cups after 40 minutes, which is the estimated time water is thought to reach the bladder. And I take issue with that because, like, it happens much faster. I agree. Hence, my asparagus. Sure, he'd turn me on an experiment. Mm hmm. Sorry. Anyway, so the people who had full bladders and people who didn't have problems were then asked to make eight choices ranging from small and immediate rewards to larger but delayed ones, including they had to choose whether to receive $16 tomorrow or $30 in 35 days. People have full bladders, tended to choose $35 and 35 days. I think it's because they're like, I can't think about that now. I need to pee, right? I just MREs get the show on the road. Right? But the study does postulate that that's what it is. So before you go out like wedding rings, shopping, drink some water or go to a used car lot? Yeah. Well, go out looking for a horror like, how does this? What's the proper certification? The practical application would there is no practical application. All right. Well, why don't you wrap it up for now? Because we got to move on with a very important game. That's the news. I'm Alison Rosen. Let's get this show on the road. There's more news with Alison Rosen coming up. Oh, all right. Do you have an intro here? All right. Well, let me talk to Susan. Susan. Yeah. Ready to play? Well, no, you're S-H. Yes. Glad. Where are you calling from Baby Doll Spring Valley? Hmm. Where is that? That's where The Simpsons live right down near San Diego. Beautiful country and even better people. What do you do over there? Right now, I'm going to do trivia with you. That's exactly what I was looking for. Here we go. Barbara Sledge Hammer Wine presents no your S-H. The game where you have to know all the obscure crap Adam knows. Get it on ! All right, you ready to play, Suzanne? Yes, I am. Two out of three, here we go. Is it Susan or Suzanne? Susan OK, but I'm glad that you don't correct me. Finish the name of this 1974 number one song by Bo Donaldson and the Heywood's. Billy, don't be a one up. Billy, don't be. Bo Donaldson in the Heywood's. Do you have that song, by the way, Susan? Oh, I don't have that baby. You're right in the wheelhouse. You're the perfect age. No one. Don't be at all. Billy didn't warn Billy. Don't be. I believe. Come on. Oh my God, I'm and that's not even someone I heard. Well, what do you think it's going to be a douche nozzle to know the truth? I really don't know. All right, guys. We're astute. I saw. Come on, Beau Donaldson in The Hague. Was it easy to say? You believe? Don't be. Don't be a fool. Oh, for one baby, I can't. I, you know, and I can lead the horse. You know you got good presents. Yeah, horrible patience. Is your bladder full right now? My No. Drink a Schlitz tallboy right now because you're going to need some answer. You know, for one, you're ready to go. Yes. Now, boy, we got another one here that involves Jerry Reed is the answer, but I don't think that one's going to work. All right, you're ready. OK, let's go. Who does the voice of the cartoon character Hong Kong Phooey? Oh my god, I know this one. Am I right a lifeline? I will give you some hints. Oh, OK. He's black. He's bald, and his first name is Schatman. I I need the last name, though, right? It'd be nice if I didn't provide the entire answer. Yes. Well, no, it's true. Let's get going. I want to say rather a close enough. Good enough, Batman. Crothers, everyone. All right. Now just down Hong Kong for another great Hanna-Barbera piece of s**t that ruined my childhood. By the way, when I'm doing my class action lawsuit against the Middle East, I'm also going include Hanna-Barbera in there for ruining my childhood. All right, you're ready. Of all the scat men out there, you got brothers. Yeah, really had a lot to choose from. Oh boy, you like James Bond movies? Are we talking Roger Moore or Pierce Brosnan? We're talking Roger Moore. We're talking Roger Moore. Let's do it. Ready to do it? And the spy who loved me, James Bond's car turned into a submarine. Remember that one? Yes. What kind of car was it? I will accept the make or model science here or even the shape at this point. Hard. The color, I'll accept the color. Oh, let's see the color. I'll give you. I'll give you a hint. If it's one of the only car manufacturers I know, that's a named after flower lotus. Yeah. Oh, you, you're so good, baby. So you should be playing that jeopardy show. All right, baby. Because I don't care. You've just won yourself a sledgehammer gift bag. Oh, fabulous. Yeah. Good stuff. I drink it every night. Good time 3D baby out. Trouble, Brian. Thank you. Oh, Billy, don't be a hero. Susan is a hero. Sorry, hold on. Mm hmm. Yeah, you can play Billy. Don't be a hero. I love that song. You know, that's all. And you know, that's the stage presented by Sledge Hammer. Oh, right. So we take a quick break and bring in our guests. Why don't we do that? You can cue up Dr. Stefano. And although there always, always a little controversy because Dan Dratch didn't know if it's Dr. Stefan, our Dr. Stefano. We'll figure it out when we come back. All right, that does it for today's cool classics. Hope you enjoyed all the clips. Can't get enough tomorrow. The cruel classic speed one two clips continuing along with another brand new clip. Until next time and get it on.
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