Ep. 65 - Carol Leiffer: The Woman Who Wrote for Seinfeld

Transcript

But sometimes I think that's the beauty of being friends with comics is, like, you get you're it's that you're inside your own forest, so you can't see the forest. Mhmm. Like, I I told a joke one time that I did not think was funny at all. We were we do this new material night at the store on Tuesday nights. Jeremiah Watkins, runs it. It's one of my favorite shows to do. And in the back are Rogan and Segura. And I'm up on stage and some and they and they'll just call things out, and you gotta write a joke based on it, which I love. That might be I'm better at that than I think I am at straight up stand up comedy. But, but it's just free form. It's for me, it's just literally like a Rorschach test, where you just whatever you think. I'll tell you what I think. And this kid goes, take your shirt off. And so I would take my shirt off, and he goes, I said, what else? And he goes, Anne Frank. And then I go, oh, I used to think Anne Frank and Helen Keller were the same person. And he's like and everyone starts laughing. I just thought everyone had mixed those 2 up. And I was like, oh, no. I did. And I said, I found that out at the Anne Frank house. They're not. And I told the story, of me and my friends going, like and and by the way, it's it's asinine to me that I took why I don't do observational comedy? The I mean, the premise is, that my friends had said is right after Russia. They're, like, we should go to Anne Frank house. And I was like, oh, yeah. We got a bag of weed and laugh our dicks off. And they're like, what? I was like, I've been hearing jokes about this chick my whole life. We'll put a plunger in her toilet. They're like, I go, yeah. Yeah. And they're like, I don't know if you can go to her bathroom, but you can see the closet. They kept her in. I was like, they kept her in a f**king closet? And they're like, yeah. The Nazis were looking for her. The f**king Nazis were looking for? I was like, how many times did this chick roll snake eyes? Can't see, can't hear, can't talk, locked in the closet. Nazis are looking for and then I was like, wait. How did the Nazis not find? Banging around in the closet. I get off I'm by the way, I people are laughing, but I'm oblivious to why they're laughing. I get off stage and Rogan's like, dude, that's a bit. And I went, no. No. No. I I I everything's new. And he goes, no. No. No. No. No. No. That is a bit. And I had taped it. Luckily, I taped it. And I went I went to Omaha the next week. I'm telling you, I when I started the thing, I literally was shocked anyone was laughing. But sometimes that that that is how it comes out. But sometimes it's like I think it's like there's no filter. Right? You have, like, these kind of you probably didn't realize you have these connections in the brain connecting Anne Frank to Helen Keller, then just someone shouting out Anne Frank, and you had no filter. Like, a lot of times people would be nervous and freeze. Yeah. You know? And I think you're just, like, blah. Like, you and it it rolls into a joke because then you you it goes into your stand up skills, and you have these connections between Anne Frank and Helen Keller, which is an odd connection. And then you tell why. Well, then Sometimes it's a joke. I found out why, by the way. It's Anne Sullivan. I used to I used to confuse Anne Sullivan and Anne Frank. Uh-huh. And I used to confuse Helen Keller with Anne Sullivan. Like, Anne Sullivan was the I saw the miracle worker. And so I never Helen Keller wasn't the name that stuck out. For some reason, it was Anne Sullivan. So when I first heard about Anne Frank, I confused Anne Frank and Anne Sullivan and then just made that one person. So there's a there is a connect the dots. And whether or not you really confuse them Yeah. You still were able to kinda, like, connect those dots to act as if you confused the 2 of them. Because I'm sure at some level, if you thought about it, you wouldn't confuse Oh, no. I would have definitely I would have I you know, it's like you hear those 2 stories at the same age, so it just melted in. But, yeah, like, there's a bit, that I really don't find funny, but my wife is like, that's the funniest f**king story about, I have a rash on my cheek, that I got from this Vietnamese kid. This, we were in Vietnam, and this kid wanted they don't they don't have beards there. Like, men don't have beards. Vietnamese people just don't grow facial hair like that. So I came out of the jungle, we went to this village, and they thought I was a f**king werewolf. And so they I scared the kids. They'd never seen a man with a beard, especially like a loud American man. And so I started giving them Skittles and, and, they were rubbing my beard. I give them a Skittle and they wanted to rub my beard. And then every time they rub my beard, I go, and they would howl laughing. Right? So this one kid has got this f**king dirty hand, and I'm like, oh, not him. Not him. And then he does rubs my beard and I growl, and I immediately my face is itching. And I've had this rash on my f**king face for now probably, like, 2 years. And so I tell it this is the part my wife finds funny. I I show it to my mom, and my mom just goes, oh, honey, you have herpes. And I'm like, wait. What? I was like, that can't be your f**king solution, mom. And who gets herpes on their cheek? And my my my mom's like, oh, we all have herpes. We all have herpes. I'm like, wait. What? And so, yeah, part of me is like, I don't know if my mom knows what herpes is, but my I'm but things like that where my wife or like like I said with the pajamas joke with Adam Egan going, bro, that's the funniest joke. And I'm like, that's funny. Like, I think those are the times where you're for me and I think once again, this goes back to, like, me in college. I I I was like, how can you be funny? I don't I know I know I could be funny in the moment, but I don't know how to be funny on stage. Well well, hey. You know how to be funny on stage. Yeah. Right? Like but I think what happens is and the reason why maybe you don't go into the 50 minute story is you're telling the story at a college party where everyone's this is where you develop your skills. You're telling it at a college party where everyone's drunk. You have to get through the story in 15 seconds Yeah. Or else you lose your audience. Yeah. So it's not like everybody's sitting around the TV watching your special when you're 18 years old. You had to you had to hurry up because you were afraid to be ignored. Yeah. Oh, a 100%. That is you nailed that. What you you really, like, I I my I was supposed to do therapy today. I should have had my therapist Skype in with us so that he could have been like, I actually have a note on that. Well, now we're gonna get back to your dad, though. That's the official candidate. Yeah. Yeah. What was the dad thing? I I cut you off. You were saying you were saying you you've, you know, didn't don't bring up your dad much or your parents much in in jokes. But when you tell, like, the Will Smith story so you you're doing stand up for only 6 months in New York, and the remarkable happens, which is that you're so funny. And Will Smith's production company is so appreciative of your stand up comedy. They get you a development deal where you're doing you're pitching TV shows with Will Will Smith. He invites you to go to the movies, and the whole story is, like, fascinating because it's kind of celebrity gossip. But then your dad's the comedian in the story, the way you tell it, he's your dad basically says, oh, he's gonna try to be gay with you. Yeah. And then you say you're a homochondriac and describe what that is. So, like, your dad kind of actually is the impetus for a lot of the humor in in some of these jokes that that you tell. And and you rely on him almost like, that that guy Justin Halpern who wrote the book s**t My Dad Says. It's like you rely on him to be your your straight man almost. Yeah. Yeah. It's, What was it like growing up with him? He didn't, he didn't like he I I don't know the right way to say this without sounding bad, but, like, he didn't like my personality. Like, the, like, the part of me that is that people enjoy, my dad, it makes him very uncomfortable. Like Like like, what what did he do for a living? He's a lawyer. Still is a lawyer. Very humble. He's a very, very humble man. He would never he never would brag. You'd never hear him brag about anything. But he's stern with you? He's a lot sterner with me than ever with my sisters. Yeah. Like, he was very stern with me. He he says, and I and I believe this, is that I remind him of his dad. And he lost his dad when he was 13. And so I think there's a part of him that was afraid to connect with me, maybe. Or maybe he didn't want you to turn out like his dad. Well, his dad yeah. His dad died of a stroke when he was, like, 42, and I think he thought I was gonna die of a stroke when I was 42. By the way, I think Patrice died of a stroke when I was 42, maybe 40. And it it changed the way I went to a cardio because of Patrice's stroke, I went to a cardiologist. I got on blood pressure medicine. I started I I sadly, once I got on blood pressure medicine, I started living more unhealthy because I was like, oh, we're taken care of. But, but yeah. And so he was a very, he he didn't like to show off in me. It was a perfect example of my me and my dad's relationship. When I was in 1st grade, I was playing 2nd base for the Yankees in Pinto baseball. Right? Denny Sullivan was my coach. Teddy Church was my 1st basement. Jason Sullivan was a shortstop. And a fly the bases were loaded. It was an evening game on, like, a Thursday, and a fly ball was hit to me, and I caught it in the air. And I took the ball. I spiked it. I ripped my shirt off and I started dancing. I'm in 1st grade right now. I think I think now Seals of greatness already there. And and and and as a parent right now, I would I would pay money for that experience to watch that. I would definitely pay money if it was my kid. My dad was humiliated. He was like, you don't f**king do that. Jesus Christ. He's like, you you catch the ball and then you just and my mom loved it. My mom loved it. Denny Sullivan yelled out from the from the the, from the dugout, put some mustard on that hot dog. And everyone laughed even hot harder. Right? I was oblivious. I that was my natural personality. My natural personality was to take I succeeded. Spike the ball, take my shirt off, and start dancing. That was me. That that's Bert. That is Bert. Like, that is who I am is right in that kid. So let's say your dad was, like, go Bert right in that moment. How do you think it would have changed how you would have done it later, if at all? I would have ended up being some f**king porn star Instagrams horror. Like, I I I probably I don't know. I'm I'm sure that you need that disapproval to become a well rounded human being, or you just become obnoxious. Like, if I had lived my whole life spiking balls and ripping my shirts off, my man is, I'd technically do half of that. But, like, I'm sure you would be, you'd be Deion Sanders. Well, well, but I mean, I'm by by the way, I don't mean to slander Deion Sanders, but, like, I remember when Deion Sanders came out, my dad was like, hated him. Just like, oh, Jesus Christ. I mean, can't can you can you believe this? Can you believe that prime time, like and then and then adversely, my dad, when Deion was playing 2 sports, my dad was like, man, he is an amazing athlete. Now cut to Tiger Woods comes out. Immediately, like, there's all this showmanship behind him. Like like, he's like a flashy, and I as I assume my dad won't like that. And so my dad calls me. He's like, you following this Tiger Woods thing? And I say what I think would appease him, and I say, yeah. But f**king I'm not a fan. And my dad's like, oh, buddy. You're wrong. You're wrong. This kid is all talent. This kid is amazing, and he the words he's speaking is gonna you'll see. You'll see. You what you gotta watch is and and then he told me, he's like, you need to become a fan of his now so you can enjoy your life for the next 20 years. And I went, really? Like, you can never it's my dad's one of those people. You can never, whatever he says to you, you can never figure out why he's, like, I never been able to tell you that guy. Is that we're about to watch, we're about to be experienced one of the greatest golfers ever to live. And if you get on board with him now, then you will enjoy the next 20 years of your life watching him play golf. But if you hate him today, then, man, golf's gonna suck for you forever. And it's so funny. I became a Tiger Woods fan that day, and I I am a ride or die motherf**ker for Tiger Woods. Like, I I I I love that guy. I want I want success. I'm a fan. I had a guy had a guy come up to me one time in West Palm, and he goes, his shirt's off, doing a meet and greet, and he's like, I need 2 minutes of your time. And I went and the bouncer's like, bro, you gotta leave. And he's like, 2 minutes, Bert. 2 minutes. And I was like, sure. And he goes, okay. I'm a fan. Do you know what that means? And I was like, oh, yeah. I get it. And he goes, no. No. No. No. No. No. When you succeed, I get happy. Like, when good things happen to you, that makes me happy because I'm on your team. And I was like, okay. Because I don't think you're realizing what I say. Like, if you got a TV show, I would feel like I got a TV show. Do you know what that means? He was, I got nothing in my life, man. I all I do is I have you guys that I listen to on podcast. And when good things happen to you, I feel like I joined the right team. He's like, I'm a fan. And immediately, I went, I'm a fan of Tiger Woods. Like, I when bad s**t happened to Tiger, I got bummed out. When people talk s**t about Tiger, it bothered me. And when I see him succeed, like, this last championship where he was coming up at the dude, I'm getting chobumps talking about it. Like, I got excited. I was in Target with my kids watching it watching Tiger finish out his round on my phone going, yes. Like, that And then I I connected. I went, dude, I know exactly what you mean. He goes, I'm a fan. And I was like, bro, I'm a fan of Joe Rogan's. I'm a, like, I'm a legit I'm his friend. I'm a fan of Tom's cruise. I'm his friend. But when Tom succeeds, when Joe succeeds, when when I heard Roseanne was gonna do Joe's podcast on her first interview, I f**king was like, f**k it. Like, I got excited. And it's okay to be a fan of s**t. Like, I like being a fan of s**t. I'm a fan of Bill Burr's. When he goes on Conan the other night, I don't know if you saw it, like, a week ago, and murders, I cheer. I like like, I'm in my bed going, oh, god. Go ahead and get it. And then I run into him the other day, and I'm like, dude, you murdered on Conan. Like, I get the experience to be able to share with my heroes and the people I'm a fan of. I get to share with them in that experience. You know? And, like, it's I'm really lucky. I mean, that's part of the benefit too of doing a podcast. But I I get to call anybody up Dude. That I want. And I don't call up random people. Yeah. Everybody asks me someone that I wanna talk to. It's dude, I love it. Well, I like, Rob, Riggle. A great podcast. You call up your friends. I got Rob Riggle on my podcast. I think Rob Riggle was like, I don't know what the f**k this is gonna be. And I was like, bro, like, I'm a fan. Like, you don't understand. Like, I'm a fan. I get to talk to you about your service in the military, which amazes me. Because I feel like we're the same guy, but I then I go, I would have never done that. Like, I'm gonna never serve in the military selflessly, and you did. I wanna find out where we veer. And by the end of the podcast, I gotta be dead. Honestly, I think Rob Bill was like, bro, that was a fun time. I was like, yeah. No s**t. I'm a fan of yours. Like, yeah. It should've been fun. But, yeah, I I mean, I don't know. I don't know. Once again, I'm f**king my dad. I don't know. My dad, something that I did. Well, okay. Also also I'll we'll we'll close off in a nifty way, your your dad. He didn't approve of you throwing the ball down. Yeah. You're still gonna do that for the rest of your life, but you're just not gonna do it arrogantly. You're gonna do it thinking from all angles how people are looking at it, but you're still gonna do it. You're gonna take off your shirt not because you're the most beautiful demigod in the world, but that's just who you are. But then you're gonna worry about what people think, and that's where the humor is. Yeah. I guess so. So I guess that that formative moment, if we're gonna put this in a nifty bow, is at that time when I spiked the ball and I and I was being my authentic self, and my dad self corrected it just a tad bit. And he was like, yo, life will be unbearable if you are this arrogant a*****e who dances every time he dances in front of people every time he succeeds. Because you're clearly not arrogant. Like, your story about when you introduced yourself to the Russian mobsters where you had this whole, hello planned, and all you can you were so nervous at the final second. All you said was I'm the machine Yeah. In Russian. And, you know, it's because it's a mixture of your your the the fearlessness you had there in 1st grade, but, maybe they're gonna disapprove. I think, yeah, I think I think Maybe they're gonna kill me. Yeah. Well, you know, I think that it's, Yeah. I think there's, I mean, what I was trying to say to them, honestly, was I'm the man, which is. But I said, and it just means I'm a car. And so they were like, And then that's what made them laugh is, like, they don't have slang. So if a guy comes up and he's like, hey. I'm a car. You're like, what the f**k? And so it made just made them laugh. And I just kept saying it louder and louder, not knowing what I was saying all night. And then e then Igor translated it for me. He's like, no. You're saying you're the machine. And I was like, oh, I thought I'm saying I'm the man. Like, I take a shot and go, I'm the man. And they were like, I'm the machine. And they just thought that was f**king hysterical. My dad, to this day, I tell a story. Like, I'll tell a story. My dad goes, that didn't really happen, did it? And I was like, oh, yeah. Like, even the, the Will Smith story, my dad's like, I didn't I didn't say he was gay. Like, and I was like, no, you said it in my dad's legit words were he's going to query you. That's what my dad said. He's going to query you, buddy. And I went, I was like, it was a, with a Tracy Morgan story, like Tracy, just to be fair to Tracy Morgan has come out and said that that story never happened. Okay. That's totally fine. That he says that me and Tony woods were there, Tony woods and I both were there. It definitely happened. But I say this to my dad and I say this to trace like to Tracy Morgan, if he ever hears this, like, if I'm that good at just making up a story, I just write fiction. Like, what the f**k am I doing stand up for? Like, if I had a talent that I knew that I could just craft a story that the the Tracy Morgan story might be the best story I've ever That's an amazing story. In my entire life. If I could at, what, 5 months of doing stand up. If I knew that I could write that at 5 months of doing stand up, bro, I'd be huge. So so first, I'm gonna give a a a shout out to there's a clip of you telling that story superbly on the Joe Rogan show. Yeah. So people should just YouTube Joe Rogan, you, and Tracy Morgan, and it's a great version of that story. Plus that story's in your book. Great story. And it's a punch line at the end. That's a boom at the end. That was that was before I realized. I mean, like, I it's just how the story happened. You know? It's just the story. Hey. Don't leave so fast. Before you go, don't forget to claim your free copy of my free ebook called Fact Me where I share with you my answers to a range of questions on business. Coming up with ideas, getting unstuck, bitcoin, and more. Get your copy of my book at jamesaltisher.com/faq. That's jamesaltisher.com/faq.