Encore Presentation: Preparing Your Body for Summer

Transcript

Cure, guys, welcome to pretty depressed with Kevin Crossman, welcome to really my therapy and my journey to better mental health. Bit of a disclaimer. None of my guests nor myself are in any way mental health professionals. So if you're not in a good place, then I strongly advise that you seek out professional help. These conversations are unfiltered and they are not for sensitive ears. We talk drugs, sex, alcohol, religion, medicating, alternative therapy, suicide, mental health, aliens and witches. And season one of this podcast, I talk to a lot of actors. We often mention pilots now for those of you who are not in the industry. A pilot is the first episode of a TV series and off the back of the pilot. The hope is that it gets picked up by a major network and becomes a massive hit. A huge thanks to all my guests for being so vulnerable and for sharing so much. I gained so many lessons and tokens that I can apply to my own life, and I hope that you guys do too. I also want to put it on record that I am a chronic accent Mimica. So please note that in the wake of this podcast, I am adding that to the long list of things I need to work on in this episode. I talk to Jordan Danger now you probably have seen Jordan on Kevin from work or Eureka. She's also directing the most amazing movie at the moment that I'm also in called God Save the Queens. And I love this episode because Jordan is one of the most down to earth authentic people I've ever met. We talk about depression, we talk about anxiety, we talk about medicating good and bad ways. I love her, and I know you guys are going to love her, too. This is pretty depressed with Jordan. Hello, Jordan. Hello. And we are going to start with something that will help me get your verbal validation, but we're going to complement each other. Oh, I like that. And to make you feel really safe, I would love to feel safe. I would love you to feel safe, too. So. I am going to compliment you. No one's ever told me they're about to compliment me. Really? Does that make it worse? No, and I'm just like waiting to see what it takes. Since you're here and just kind of go with hair, I'm just going to go with No. No, I. This is a. Let me frame this right. We have tested. We have tested opposite like opposite each other. And yeah, a few situations that look at that. It's not true. That is not true. So we go and basically it comes down to either Jordan or ivory. And it's happened often. Quite often. And usually I've also tested amongst other people and I'm like, Oh, it's so nice to see you. How can I, you know, cut you or or you or leg? How can I like you? Wear a nice smile, but we all know what's out there. Yeah, yeah. But there have been times where I've tested opposite you and I because I love you and I see how hard you work and how good and how funny you are. I, I am so happy that it's you. I'm like, If anyone's going to get it, I just hope that you get it. You make it. And because you're such a genuine person, your feet are always on the ground. You are kind when you don't need to be. And I think I just really love you and I have such a talent crush on you that all day I get sometimes a single dose when I am testing across you. I always walk in and it's happened. Like what? Like, five, six times. Now I feel, I think the only time I tested opposite you and I didn't see you was the Kevin from work. Oh, but you ended up on that, but I ended up and you got to end after seeing it. Of course, she got it in your butt. I love the same thing when I see you because you do things in comedy that make it's like I would never even think of it. And I only learned that recently from directing you especially. But like the s**t you were pulling out, I was just like dying. You were like one. And I suggested you for that role because you're one of the funniest people I've ever met my life. I'm thinking, That's really cool. That's totally true. And I selfishly accosted you for that very reason. So you recently did direct me, which was awesome. So can you kind of tell me this process and did it come from you moving into making your own stuff because of a frustration with just the acting? Things are slightly. I sort of like I mean, I started writing when I was probably like 14 or 15, and I always was a writer. OK? I had a film of mine made a couple of years ago called Breaking and Exiting, but it was directed by someone else, a friend of mine, and I just kind of never had, I guess, the guts to really dive into the directing aspect too, especially when I'm acting at the same time. Mm-Hmm. So when I wrote that movie, which you did called God, Save the Queens, I did it as a short about a drag queen, an aging drag queen in L.A. And then it just went so well that we're like, Let's keep going. But I think it was really easy for me to kind of experiment there because I wasn't in it for the first time. Yeah, I was always really worried for my first thing, directing to be something that I was acting. And because I didn't know how I was going to facilitate every role. Is acting your first love? Yeah, I mean, I started doing theater and I was five. But I mean, like out of if you're doing acting now, you think, Oh yeah, like what is what is? It's weird. I feel like as if I were to direct something bit. I wish I was in it. No, I thought the same thing. But with this movie, I'm so glad to, like, take a step back and not be in it. Surprisingly, I really thought that I would miss it more. But you learn so much just from like taking on a new role like that. You don't even really think about it, you know? But I am right now. I do prefer directing to acting. I didn't think I would, but I do. Do you know what it is about the I feel like when you're out of the control that you know me and the world controller? Yeah, yeah, I love power. No, it's it's weird. It's like when you're acting, you think that you're covering all these bases, but you're really doing a scene and then they have you set for what, you know, like hours while they light. When you're directing, you don't sit down like you're you're always, you know, putting out a fire, answering a question. And I just I like being on my feet and I like problem-solving. So I think I just my 80D just like kicks in a little better. Do you actually have a day or just like The Sopranos? Okay. I self-diagnosed myself with dyslexia and dyslexia. I just said dyslexia. Great. And it turns out I was. Yeah, I think I had that line prepared like, but it was maybe just because. Were you nervous directing? So we just did. We basically just did this movie called God Save the Queens that Jordan wrote and directed, and I play a heightened not on the Planet II version of It's Not On This Planet pop star. But I was so impressed by your director. I'm surprised that that's the first big thing that you've done because you were so everyone was like, She's a great director. You listen to everyone. You seem so calm. It's weird because I grew up on a TV show and I shadowed so many directors, and I don't think I realized how much I ingested from doing that because I was so I was concerned. I mean, really, you know, I know how to talk to actors. I'm an actor. But like the biggest, I guess, qualm I had going into it was. You know, knowing the technicalities behind it, making sure I could talk to my DP and that was my biggest fear, and I feel like I knew more than I thought I did. And I think directing is something that's attainable for a lot of people, like you could easily be a director because you're such a good actor and you know how to talk like to me, I'm another actor. And it's really just putting things into a language for people like us that you can understand and you can experiment, you can play, you know? And I think it's just keeping it like, especially for me, I mostly do comedy dramedy stuff. I think it's just keeping it fun for everyone on set because you know how long the days can get and how monotonous you can get. What was your well, you felt like you had it all together. Was there any insecurities going into it? Or like, did you, do you? So I analyze everything after it happened. So like after you leave here today, I'll go into full playback mode and like until I get a text from you or some verbal then like you do my job. Yeah, no, no. I mean, did you do that? I do that every day. I do the thing. I do that with everything in my life, you know, I'll leave an acting job and I won't stop thinking about it for 24 hours, 48. I was just like, Oh, well, you know that parallel. I made myself look kind of stupid there, you know, but like directing. I it sort of, I don't know. It's like nail in the coffin. Like, once you've got your shots, there's no time to go back. So you just have to, like, plan ahead as best you can and trust your judgment in the moment. And I mean, I'm happy with the footage so far. So I can't like, yeah, you don't do much. You know, I to go back a little bit because I realized one of the things I wanted to bring up. Do you happen to remember the first time we met? I don't know. I do. So the first time we met was one of my very first trips to L.A. It would have been maybe circa 2010 2011 time ago, and it was at five five five Wilshire Casting Office that has a horrible elevator that you think you're going to die on your time until your audition. I don't know what the project was that we were auditioning for, but it's like every other auditions at that building. Yeah, we were at that. You don't remember? Yeah. And we were waiting for a really long time, and I think we just got chatting and I remember leaving. I didn't know anyone in L.A. and I was I like, I want to find her like, so I was like, because we got along fine. So I added you on Facebook and you accepted me. Oh my god. And it turns out it was hard accepting just random. Read a mutual friend semi drunk who I miss, you know, knew some had me back in the day. Yeah, and then a few weeks later, you booked this Harold and Kumar thing, and I was just like, I was angled over, you know, for a long time, I did not know that, and we were Facebook friends. So I spent years being would totally friends, but I had no learning support and then I was back and forth from Canada. I think because I was doing Eureka at the time. Hmm. That's so funny. Yeah, I booked Harold and Kumar off of a tape that I did in Vancouver. Oh, okay. And to for man, man. Yeah. So, yeah, we've been Facebook friends. Wow. And I genuinely thought, what the project? I genuinely thought that. I mean, obviously neither of us got it. I don't think because it was a long time there. If I auditioned for something, I just like watched who got it. I will say I'm a chicken because I checked online everywhere because you don't get told no, if you don't get an audition and there's like, maybe it's still, yeah, it's still there. It's airing. You like, yeah, they'll remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I did a pretty bang up job of a hilarious. So yeah, that's how I feel like it's so funny. I didn't know that, but I'm glad you remember that. I know I did. And I thought for the longest time, your actual last name was danger. And I use it now. Yeah, I see that. But is your middle name, actually? No, it's Danielle. Oh, but everyone always called me Jordan danger growing up, and my dog's name was Andrew just. And so I was like, What's the best shot I could give to him? I honestly, I just thought they a middle name was danger, and I was like, That fits. I mean, it fit. No, and I was going to legally change my M.O.. You, Shay, I am going to I could do that for you. You can do it again. I have the palette you actually can do, though I know in New Zealand you can. You just need like five people to sign it. Yeah, five people. You know, that's not real. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I think you drug that. OK, well, my friends overs day and someone did it as like a birthday present. Like so buying like adopting a baby elephant for one year. Right now, I think more logically about it. It feels strange that you could change someone else's name without their consent. But I'm very gullible and I believed that, OK, well, they probably changed it. They probably did. How old were you when you started dating? Well, I was. I was doing theater in El Paso because I'm sure also Texas. But I started when I was 11 out here doing coming out here at 11. Did you move out here to let my mom and I moved out here? Yeah, to follow your dream. Oh, good, baby, you know good. You know you're too. You know you weren't. You were here to late. Oakwood was this apartment complex on Barhoum that all the child actors lived like we all. And they're single parents, moms. Yeah, everyone live there. It was so weird. It was the. They had a reality show, I think, for a little bit. Well, there should be they like that sound, that's what it is. And I was there in the golden age, you know, OK, everyone was there. And what was that like? Were you successful? Did you feel heaps of pressure because your mom was like, Hey, we're out here? I didn't feel I was great. Those kids who grew up and I was just like, Oh, everything's great, you know, like, I never had a lot of like anxiety about anything until I got older, obviously. But we moved here and I was just experimenting with auditioning. I was I was nervous going into auditioning. Obviously, I'd never like read for people in a room. My mom and my daughter was very, very supportive. I had a very supportive family behind me. And I think it was just, you know, learning curve of being an 11 year old, like trying not to panic, like reading in front of like really mean casting directors. No. So when you say that anxiety didn't settle into later, so my biggest thing at the moment, the chapter I'm in is, I've been told by Kevin, I.p and everyone's like, You just want it too much. Like, I'm in the stage where I'm strangling it because, you know, I have two sick parents back in New Zealand. Like, I'm kind of sitting here going, like, What am I sitting here for? Because it's not happening on my timeline, right? I thank you for your compliment. Like I have the skill set, and you definitely know that that doesn't matter anymore, you know? So I'm frustrated. Absolutely. And so but all the advice I'm getting is like just careless and stuff, which is just funny because I've been doing other things lately, like directing and and I go into rooms and I don't care anymore. And all of a sudden they're like, Come back and I'm like, Really? I didn't even know the lines, you know? But I think it's because I've put value into other things that I can do. I think, you know, like us, we grow up with a skill set which is acting. And then where else do you put that in the world? You don't. So you have these like you like these voices in your head, they're like, Well, I can't do anything else, so I'm going to keep doing this. And then you get frustrated with yourself and you jumped onto your work and that's what I was doing. And so I and then like, this is another great outlet for you to do a podcast because you you do have the skill set to interview people and talk. And I feel like the only thing we can do is find other outlets. In the meantime, basically, why you why you buy time waiting to get the next big role, you know? I guess I didn't know I was projecting so much frustration. You don't realize it, but I mean, your your career is your everything like it is for me. You know, it's the most important thing in my world and it always will be. And why is it? Because I can answer that for me, it's the most important thing for me because like that is where my joy is. And it's also when I'm the most present light between action and cut. Nothing else in the world matters. Yeah, I oh, I've seen like I seen, and it's the most fun that I have ended playing. As soon as cut, I'm like, Whoa, whoa. I have a I have a similar thing. I mean, I'm I look, I think you're I think you're funnier than me. I've always thought, you're funnier than me. I don't take as many risks as you, and I wish that I did. But I think for me, I, it's always been something I do since I was a kid. I mean, I was on a TV show when I was 13. Mm-Hmm. And I think, like, if I don't have that, I'm bored. Do you put your your worth into that too? Where do you think? I think a lot of us do because as actors, it's, you know, we're told we're good or not, and it's it's part of who we are. And I know, like every role you play, you dump a little bit of yourself into it. Or a lot of yourself, like I do in the comedy world is very much like that. So I think, yeah, your self-worth is. Am I funny? Am I not funny? Mm-Hmm. Are they responding to what I'm doing? And then you're auditioning for years, and you know, it's not really coming to a deal as much as you would hope. And I think that's a big part of, you know, your self-worth. So would you say that like mentally and physically where you are right now, having these other outlets, you feel conclusive and like, Oh, this is what's working for me, like where you and you are? I don't want to bring you down because I'm the enemy and the guy in the gully in a way like in another way, I feel sometimes more lost. And I think the reason for that is because I'm I'm dictating all these shots that I never was before. So like, it's up to me to write this. It's up to me to make sure it's produced. It's up to me to make sure it's well directed. And in a way, it kind of makes me feel a little more pressure. Yeah. So and and and I, you know, it's new to me like, I'm going to be like, Yeah, I'm f**king awesome at it. Like it is. I think you were awesome at it. Well, thank you. But everyone, but I do have. You're awesome at it. You know, a lot of doubts, which everyone should. I think even some of the best and longest running directors and actors should have, you know, we should doubters all of us because we're just doing the same thing over and over if we don't. But I think in a way, it makes me a little bit more lost. But it's kind of good because it it challenges me to find resources. I never knew what my brain had. Basically, when you're like really cracking under pressure and everyone's relying on you when you're an actor, you're going to call time, you show up, you know, just know your f**king lines and don't look like a mess. But I think with this, it's it's just I. Like it, but it's not it is more stressful, that's for sure. How do you exercise self-love? Oh God, what a good question. Like, if you're stressed and you're like, I know I'm stressed what? I'm one of those people and I do have generalized anxiety disorder, so I kind of I don't. What does that mean? Basically, it just it means I have anxiety almost at all times, you know? Oh, which is great to live with. Does that mean like your fight or flight is going all the time? It's weird. It's it comes and goes, you know, like, I can be really, really great one day and then I'll wake up the next day and my brain will just be like a fog of self-doubt and what could go wrong today. And, you know, panic attacks are like a really big part of it when they come, when you, you know, don't expect them. Yeah, I don't even know I was going because I certainly want my anxiety. Why I questioned you on that, because I, I, I via osmosis, I'm like, OK, like that makes sense. I have bad self-talk, right? But that's more like a depression thing. I have a weird, I don't know. I kind of for me, I have to accept what's happening in the moment, but I start fighting it. It gets worse and I start doubting myself more. So if I'm having a bad day, I just go, OK, you're panicking a little. It's fine. Can you acknowledge that the voice, whatever it saying to you, is not telling you truths, are you? I've had to do that as I get older. Yeah, I mean, I didn't at first when I was like, what? 17 18? I was diagnosed with it. I just thought the world was ending. And I'm like, Am I going to have to live with this anxiety for the rest of my life? Yeah. And I still like, have those thoughts, but I've learned a way to manage it my own way. And I, you know, you live with it like anything else. Do you medicate for it or I don't know. And I do. I'm not against that. No, did you? I had the option. Yeah, and I was young and I was kind of like, I'm a happy person. And all this stuff, of course, started coming out once I stopped working. Of course, I was working so consistently when I was young, and then all of a sudden it was slower and slower, and then I started panicking a little, and you know, where's my income? How am I going to pay rent? My parents moved to L.A. For me, it's just like a lot. Sure, that goes to your mind. And then I had the option. I saw a psychiatrist. She's like, You have generalized anxiety. You have depression. Also, you know, on and off depression. Probably seasonal. Well, yeah, that's my thing. It's like it's entirely attached to my employment. So I'm like, You're this podcast. I'm like, You're employed. It's not really seasonal. It's just seasonal to when you're working and when you're not. Yeah. But I did have the option to go on, you know, a Lexapro or a situation. But I just I know my body and I know that if I start, can't get off that kind of thing. Do you have an addictive personality? A little bit. Like with work, I mean, I'm addicted to my work. I'm a mom. Like, I think it's best to put that kind of stuff into something that's productive. Yeah. So, yeah, when I'm not feeling well, I go and I just write as much as I can in my room, like journal or write, right? And some of it goes nowhere, but I just try and type as much as I can into my final draft and see what comes out. You know, that's a good technique. Yeah. Well, otherwise I'm going to, you know, my anxiety is going to go the opposite direction, OK, I'm going to start panicking. And so I think it's it's something I've learned throughout the years just to like, put it into my work or figure out some sort of outlet for it. Do you do like bath bombs or facemasks at all? Any, any kind of like is that do version of self-love. I never take so many baths. I'm just like constantly like in the back of my in my head. Just my brain doesn't shut off. I used to meditate. I just I know it sounds so typical, but I can't sit still long enough. I've had Headspace downloaded on my phone. I pay for it every every month. I pay $30 for it to sit there and I go, Yeah, I'll do that and I just don't. I'm not going to cancel it because I'm never going to do it. I need to get over the hump because I feel like at the moment when I do it, all it does is allow me enough silence for me to make a really succinct To-Do list. So it's like, good for that. That's literally the opposite of what I should be doing. I used to be really vigilant about I do it every day for like a few months, every day. Did you notice any change? I did. And yet still, I can't convince my brain to go back to it. I don't know what to tell you. Headspace is great. Yeah. Oh, I know it would help both of us. Yeah, we like because I'm a bit stubborn. If someone says, like all this is, Oh, really? Do I come across some of it? No, I look at what we do. Of course you are. So when I know something's good for me or like, I know our relationship is good for me or whatever, I'll be like, there's some devil like, I don't need that. I'm a stereotype. Yeah, why like such a self harm attitude to have of late? Yeah. But I yeah, I'm the same way, though. I don't know what I do. I don't either. So like, I sit here and give you answers, but it would just be me speculating myself. Do you do you drink? I do drink. I don't. I don't. I've cut back a lot as I've gotten older. I used to be like because of hangovers or because the hangovers are like two or three days now. Yeah, and not one like they used to be. Yeah. And you're like twenty two and you can drink and then you wake up the next day. You're like, my mom. Well, I didn't drink. I didn't drink until like two years ago. So yeah, yeah, yeah. But I noticed your drink is right, drunk, edit sober, which I like that. And I was like, That makes sense to me. Yeah, I've done it before. No, I drink. I went, I'm having a rough patch in my life. I should call. And I went out last night and I had a couple of drinks and I and I haven't been drinking and it hit me a lot harder. Were you super fun or are you crying? I think I was fun. I think a lot of fun drunk. I am not a good drunk. I don't thought about tipsy. No, it's true. I think it's like it's the same thing with lead. I just can't. I have like a control thing. I had like some bad experiences early on with alcohol that I was like, Oh, I don't want to do this. Then as soon as I'm not in control, it triggers like panic. So it's almost the nightmare door's open and I get that. Let's breathe this. I'm very similar. Like if I feel like all of a sudden I'm too high, I'm just like, Oh God, why did? And I haven't? I haven't smoked weed and probably like eight months. I stopped that as well because I felt like my memory was just like, I'm all for weed. Like very big advocate, but I my memory. My short term was just not as I would love to be cool and just I'm like, Oh my gosh, yeah, you all have a tendency to COVID-19 like when you drive a car, whatever people do, I don't know. I just kind. I I'm not that way either. My roommate she is. She's, you know, one of those highly functioning stoners. And I just I am not that the few times I've had weed, I ate a whole box of dry cereal and cut up the whole inside of my mouth was like at my grunge. It was like a granola Typekit. It was like something you shouldn't have. I shouldn't have done, but I was like, This is delicious. And it wasn't. You don't stop. There's a part of your brain that won't shut off the eating. And then it's like, also just opening this. I feel like at the moment, I'm trying so hard to control my thoughts and whatever the outcome of this mistake will control the fact of like, Is this a true thought or is this your baby being an a*****e? You just need a chill preaching. I got told to microdosing mushrooms and I'm like, I'm already panicking about doing that. Like, it feels like the worst advice. No, I don't. Whoever told you that doesn't know you were my chiropractor. So, yeah, yeah, a medical professional. Yeah, yeah. Is it a release for you? If you drink you like cool. That's awesome times. And then sometimes, you know, I've I've struggled in the past with like, you know, when I was younger and I would drink a bunch and then I, you know, I had no control over like what I was do. I've gone to a place where I just like I like. I like a bourbon, like on the rocks. Like, what a hot it place. I'm just like, I'm trying. I don't do like shots. I'm not like ripping shots anymore. You don't see me with like sugar in my drink because I'm going to wake up the next day and my head's going to be like pounding. So I've learned, like what to drink and, you know, to be like, I'm twenty eight now and the hangovers man, they are just like, brutal. Yeah, I'll get you. Yeah, they'll get you. So what does your brain look like? So I am just a woman who can't surround landing in front of a woman, and here I am, a woman said, Like this filing cabinet, she's trying to find the thing we're looking for. She's panicked and just always is like, slow down. I can't keep up. What is your pride? I feel like half of my brain is exactly that. OK, the other half is just in an odd state of calm. You know, I feel like I go, I go between the two. It's either sheer panic or I'm just not going to think about anything that's going to bother me. And I'm just going to like not think about the consequences of my actions. I feel like I go between the two a little. This is so fascinating. So Conan O'Brien says exactly the same thing in an interview. He lives in this duality. He lives in that tension, and my other one isn't like, I've got crazy, neurotic lady. And then I've. Like the Phuket lady who's like, let's go jump off a bridge. Yeah, bungee jumping. What it's like and whatever, and I'll do these things or I'm like, stir it up a bit cold an x like whatever it is, it's just like. And I think that's what makes you such a great comedic actor because you haven't seen these moving parts like I've watched you, I've watched you improv like on, you know, right there on the spot, and I don't know where these things are coming from. We were we did this scene. She plays this, this fictional pop star who is sort of a mix like a vomit up of like Katy Perry meets with Miley Cyrus, mixed with every pop star. Gaga the whole shebang. It's the scene where you're talking to the drag queen. You went on this roller coaster of like, you were crying and then you were laughing manically, and it was not written in the script. But we, everyone behind the monitor, was dying. And like, and you just have these constant moving parts, which is great for what you do, but it does like in your normal life, it triggers some, you know, different levels of of who you are on, you know, on a day to day basis. And I'm very similar in that way. Well, I feel like it sounds like you might be. There was a quote that I had written down. Meaning it was a quote for you and where it's this, and I think this is what I am trying to find my joy, not in that room, because the quote was that I don't want to be in the world, I want to be on stage. And it's like, just this. Like, I want to be that I want to be so free to be just manic that it's like funny and it offers comedy and stuff. But it's like, we do what we do not like to not be ourselves. I mean, we're not doing what we do to live in our everyday lives, but it's so much boring. As for me to like, I'm like, that's so much more fun to put on a wig and be like an insane one. Make everybody laugh. And it's like, then you go home and you're like, That's the big reality of being an actor, though, you know, eventually the lights shut off and you go home and you have to live with whatever it is that you did throughout the day. And a lot of it wasn't you, and you don't have the same experiences as doing a nine to five and punching and punching out, you know? But you do have the pride of being able to watch it later, which is something that is a positive for what we do. Yeah, I think it's like finding those they like because nothing. Sadly, nothing else brings me as much joy is the freedom of doing that. And that's one of the biggest problems with what we do because we don't get to do it all the time, which is why I started writing, because writing started bringing me a little like little hints of that joy. And then the first time a movie that I wrote was made and put on a screen and put on airplanes. I watched it on an airplane. I was like, f**k off. And it wasn't exactly, you know, you write a movie and then it gets out of your hands. And then it's it's not exactly the movie you wrote, but like, it's still something to be proud of because suddenly you're watching your words. And like, the first time I watched another actor saying my words and it actually turning into a film, I mean, it killed me. Like, I just I can't even believe it. And I feel like that's where I started getting little bits of joy because the auditioning and all that other s**t, you know how trying it is. And it and sometimes it's just dry and you run dry and it's in. You're going out on things, you know, you're not going to go. And it actually, I don't I go out on things that I might 100 percent got it. So you're always positive. You're booking it. Kind of. No, I'm the opposite, really. I every time I go on and something, I'm like, Well, that girl sitting over there is going to get this every time, every time. Even on the things that I've booked, I've it's always been like, I'm not getting this and I go in there with a confidence like I am, but in my head, I'm like, Absolutely not. Hmm. See, I go in and I'm like, guys, we've got the sled right now. Yes, tell everyone else to go haul everyone back. We don't want to add to that problem. Like, I go in like that and then I leave like that too. Like, Nailed it and then you in the car and the driver's constant over. By the time I got home, I go, I should have gotten a degree like I shouldn't be acting. What else could I do? Let's look on Craigslist at one of the No. Two, but I just have this constant doubt. I went audition the other day. Makes me sad because you're so good. Yeah, but even you saying that, I think the same thing, it's like, I wish we could all see how good we are. But like, I'm constantly filled with like doubt. I could have done this different. Why don't I try new things? Why don't you know? Because everything I do is basically a version of myself? I feel like I'm not. I'm never playing something that's going like crazy outside of me. So I put so much into every audition because it's like part of you, part of me. That makes sense. Bit of a pivot. Do you have a therapeutic alliance? What I mean is, like, do you have someone in your life that you call? Do you go to a therapist? Like, what do you know? I have you? I have been to therapy a bit in my life. I love therapy. Did you go because you needed? You felt like you needed it? I was in a bad relationship at the time. You know, it was like all my first relationships, and I thought I was like losing my mind a little bit while you were in the relationship. And it was someone who was constantly telling me that I'm, you know, not good and worthy. And I finally was like, I need to talk to someone and figure out, you know, what's going on in my head, my believing this. And so I. What a dick. All right, I'll talk to them more. Yeah, but I I started going and then, you know, my anxiety was around the same time that I got diagnosed with it with another psychiatrist. So I went, I wish I was still going. I'm not. I have dogs for that reason because they bring me back down to Earth, but I don't know what I would do without them because I guess right now they would be my therapeutic alliance. I wake up. It's like something you have to. You have cats. You know you, you don't. You have to take care of something outside of yourself and you have a reason you have to get up. You have to, you know, I have a puppy. So it's like you, you got it, but I'm on his feet and get him outside to go the bathroom with him. And right now I'm giving medication and I feel like in a weird way, it it does stabilize me a little bit. That's actually really interesting because I have asked a few people this and I haven't considered it, but 100 percent my cats are my entire therapy. Oh yeah, it's like completely. And they're the ones. And I do talk to you the crying in your room and they are always there. Yeah, and my dogs, I guess, like I just had a dog who passed, who was just my best, best friend. And he the like the last year of his life was just cancer. It was. It was chemo and radiation. And every day he woke up with a smile on his face. He wanted to get in the pool every single day, even when he was at his worst. And I was like, What am I sitting here like? Yeah, you know, they get, what, 10, 15 years and I get, I mean, if we're lucky, 70, 80, something like that. Yeah, and I'm and I'm sitting here, you know, sulking. And I just I don't know what it is about dogs. They just make you feel like there's just so much joy in the world. Yeah, yeah, no, I I agree. I mean, my cats are a*****es, but yes, I don't know about cats, but there is nothing. I have dogs in New Zealand now, but I can't say I like that. But rescues I've had like the hardest lives and whatever. It's like seeing them sleep soundly on me. Even if I'm busting to pee, I'm like, I couldn't possibly do you know? Yeah, disturb them. There's, you know, don't go anywhere. We'll be right back after this. Are you looking for a way to connect with your loved ones without having to actually be in the same room? Well, do I have a game for you? Best fiends my family and I in a very serious but fun competition where we see who is the furthest along in the game at the end of each week. This Viens is where you get to collect tons of cute characters and solve thousands of puzzles. So join the community of millions who are already playing best fiends with more than 4000 levels. There's so much fun to be had, and the fun never has to end this phase. Engage your brain with fun puzzles and collect tons of cute characters. Trust me, with over 100 million downloads, this five star rated mobile puzzle game is a must play download best fiends free on the Apple App Store or Google Play. That's friends without the best fiends. You're also an animal activist as well. Do you feel that if you know that's your passion of giving back 100 percent? Yeah. And I'm I have a lot of things I'm passionate about, but I've always just felt this rescue dogs and trying to save as many as I possibly can. I've felt that that's that's a calling that I can't answer and I should, because I'm given the opportunity to do so, especially in L.A. There's so many amazing rescue groups. So yeah, I wake up every day and I'm like, there's the it's like one of the first things on my mind is how many dogs are in shelters here and what can I do today, you know? Mm hmm. So and besides obviously rescuing some, do you do anything else or do you? Yeah, I work with a couple rescue groups. I assume with my Pakistan-India The Animal Rescue, they're amazing. And like, if we get a, you know, a red alert from a shelter like we just got one a couple of weeks ago and me and my friend this use my boss around the world we were there was one who was a dog named pepperoni, and he was going to put down in like a couple of hours. So we paid for a surgery and he just got adopted. Oh, wow. So it's like these dogs, you know, like, we're just, you know, if you're in a position and you mean sometimes these rescue groups just need like 10 bucks from just a few people. Yeah. And I mean, it's just like what you'd spend on a coffee in L.A. and I just kind of like, even if I'm not in a good place financially, I'm always like, What is that, though? You know, it's not so yeah. So I always try and donate. I donate as much as I can, and I used to foster a lot. Now I'm kind of rescuing, so I'm not fostering, but I try to do as much as I as I possibly can. And do you does that give you some self-worth back? Yeah, I guess. I mean, I mean, not that you're doing it for that reason. My dogs, just they've given me so much in my life and when I'm at my worst and, you know, every bad breakup and every, you know, having to move to an apartment because this one got too expensive, like my dogs have always been there. And I sound like a crazy dog, lady. Oh yeah, no, I'm I'm right there with you, and I just feel like that's like dogs give people so much purpose. Unlike the least we can do is try and get them on a shelf because there's a perfect home for them somewhere and they're just sitting in these shelters. And why not do everything we can to, you know? So with that in mind, I mean, you've been in the industry since you were, what, six? You're saying that you were kind of a worker eater? Yeah. I'm 11. So how did you how were you not an a*****e? Like, how are you someone who like what you're saying, like your first thoughts are of other people. And you know, I relate to that. Like if I the first thing I do, if I feel like I'm getting up my own ass, then it's like, How can I help? What can I do around? And I went to India this year purely for that reason. I'm depressed and I'm just sitting here going like, you know, like, f**k you. Like, people actually need it, right? Yeah, I don't. I think it was the way I was raised. My parents are phenomenal. My dogs. Are they together? No. OK, they got divorced actually just a few years ago, so it was later in life. Kind of thing. Interesting. My dad's a police officer here in L.A., so he does God a lot and puts up with a lot, and I've watched him do his job and have to deal with so much crap. And my mom was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis when she was in her 30s, when I was very young, so I grew up taking care of her. Yeah, and I feel like I just have watched so many people I know go through so much more race. Like, how do I have the right to wake up and, you know, think of myself or be an a*****e, you know? And I do have to find times when I do think of myself because I'm that's also a problem. Exactly. And I and I've had that problem my whole life, and I try and like utilize certain days to, you know, give back to me because I don't do it enough and I know I don't. Mm-Hmm. But it's something I'm definitely it's like a never ending process for me. Did your parents have it like, did you grow up with, Are you an only child? No, I have a brother who's 10 months older only. Holy Moly. She was pregnant with him. Gave birth month later. Yeah. I don't. You're not even supposed to do that. Yeah. Oh yeah. Was it like happy household? Always so cool. It was a real. I have no complaints with my childhood. I was close to all my grandparents, my parents, everyone and I was so nice. So, yeah, I was given the gift of being raised like very well. And with them, that was a verb I wasn't hearing, you know, I was I was just given a very good house to grow up. And so I, you know, I can't complain about having a rough. Did you? Was your parents divorce rough on? You are expected. It was just weird, cruel uncoupling. Well, I'm glad that because they're, you know, no happy marriage ends in divorce. So of course I want them to. Their individual happiness is much more important to me than my parents staying together, you know, telling I'm. My mom's been married three times. So good for her. No, I don't even know if they'll remarry. I'm not sure, but I've gotten, I think, even closer to them individually since it was just a weird thing. You grow up with your parents always together. Her yeah, and everyone always looked at my family like, oh, that's the pinnacle of happiness. Did you expect it? Not even a little bit. That's weird, but they always were like best friends. They were never like very romantic. And I think that that sort of was the. At the end, it was kind of like, we're not in love, but we love each other very much. And I was I was proud of them. Yeah, proud of them for ending it. Because you think almost when you're a parent, you're like, Oh, we're doing this forever, right? Yeah, yeah. And then when me, my brother, to mix it up, that's kind of exciting. Yeah. And when we're in our 20s and we were like, You don't need to stay together for us, we're fine. You know, you guys go be happy on your own. Are you everyone's rock because you give that you, you come across as a very capable human? Yes, 100 percent. And that can be a very stressful role. Would I be? I'm very grateful to have that role, but it's a very, you know, emotionally, physically, everyone comes to me. So what do you how do you do you feel bad for yourself at times when you're like, Hey, it'd be nice for someone to act the way I sometimes or sometimes because no one asks you if you're OK, because you always are, because you're a capable woman, never and assumes that you're always. Yes, exactly. And a lot of the time, I'm not. And yeah, a lot of you know, people who are closest to me know these things about me, but a lot of people just kind of assume I'm the one you go to when you need, you know? Yeah, you need someone to talk to a shoulder because I'm always that person. What do you what do you wish the dialogue was around people talking to you? Like, I think I just for any human, I think you should always check honesty of people. What does that look like? Like, Hey, checking in or like, what? What do you do anything you know? Is there anything I can do for you like anything? And I and I try to do it as much as I can in my life. I feel like, you know, it's a big part of mental health is just checking in. But I guess I guess like, I'm trying to dive in on that because I think that there's also a lack of knowledge for people who maybe aren't having issues of like what? Checking in. I think the biggest because if someone goes, Hey, check in in, my response is going to be, yeah, great, fine, right? And I think the biggest problem is a lot of like a lot of the people I've dated and a lot of my like people in the past that I've had as friends, they don't really believe that anxiety is real or depression is real. It's just how you feel like, oh, just you're fine and you're tired. Yeah. And that's the worst thing you can say to someone, because it's just you tell me when I have anxiety that I'm fine and my brain goes a million miles per hour. But I think the worst thing you can do is when you ask someone if they're OK, just go, Oh, you'll be fine. You know, I think that there's other questions that you can ask, Is there anything I can do for you? Is your how? How is your brain functioning these days? And I just feel like people are always especially out here. It's like, just act like you're OK, you're fine, you know? And I was talking to my friend Alessandra, who has a podcast about mental health, and she never told anyone in the industry that she was bipolar for so many years because it was always like, Well, don't tell them that because no one's going to hire you. Mm-Hmm. And I think there's such a stigma behind it that no one wants to talk about it, and we think we're supposed to look good. And I mean, look at Instagram. We're supposed to just look curated like perfect all the time, and we're not. And I think that the more you kind of push that down and try and act like you're OK, it's just it just eats you alive, especially in the industry and like what we do. You know, it's good that you're talking about this stuff and there's people like her and you talking. Well, I think I'm trying to talk to it because I'm I mean, I'm there is a selfish element to me. Doing this podcast is they're getting getting the people around me to kind of speak about their experiences. So I have a toolbox because at this point, I don't have a toolbox of like how to just know that you're not the only person thinking these things, you know? And I think that's why I want to do it openly in this kind of a forum, but also this idea of like when what checking in looks like to me, I've only really this last week had an aha moment of going. I was talking about, Oh, I read an article about smiling depression. It's like I'm exhausted at the end of the day because I'm I like being smiley and happy, but it's like it's such actually wears on me. So I go home and I'm exhausted and just I was trying to have this conversation, and I realize the people around me know for no fault of their own, like their idea of checking in is like solution base, like take a nap did not identify that. Actually, it was the worst thing you can tell me, because that makes me feel like you're trying to think that's exactly what I'm saying, right? You need to talk about what you're going through, and a lot of people have a lot of remedies. Oh, you know, it works for me. Just meditate. And I have had that a lot in relationships. A lot of people I've dated have been like, Oh, you have anxiety, you just you need to do this, and I'm like, It doesn't work that way. And I think a big thing, but it's just someone had asked a question of like, How can I help? Can I need? And I put a question mark at the end of it like that to me, changes the conversation like, Oh yeah, and it's it's amazing. I feel like I ben for something. Exactly Hey, would be nice to get on a call, or I just need like I'm having like this moment of self-doubt. Yeah, absolutely. I feel like a lot of people don't know. Out, though, you know, they and a lot of people in the past, you know, knowing that you have any sort of any mental health problems, they just want to fix it. Yeah, and it's not about fixing. I mean, there is no fixing it, which is also. I know from my parents, like there they were like, what could we have like? They take it personally that I am not OK. And it's like, Oh, it's not bad. It's just I chose it all. They are. They're just like, What's wrong with you? No, no, no. But I think I was so nervous to talk to my mother about it because it broke her heart to know that I was like, I'm pretty, I'm her baby and I'm living on the other side of the world. And she's like, Just come home worried about you already. I was like, Oh, actually talking to her wasn't helpful because she doesn't have the tools to help me, and I don't have the tools and I've learned not to converse. So it's not always the person that you want to like. Fix it for you. You know, my mom, like, I love her to death, but I don't. I don't think she's not going to fix my anxiety when I tell her, and I know that's fine. Like, she doesn't have to. It's not her job. Yeah, it's mine. And I just I think it's a it's a matter of finding the people who you can talk to openly, you know, and sometimes it's people you would not expect. Are you good at being vulnerable sometimes and sometimes not? OK? I'm really it's really like a day to day thing for me. I'm if I need to be in. If I'm in a bad place, I'm going to talk to someone about it. I'm I don't like, take that step lightly. Are you honest with yourself? I'm very honest with myself. Yeah. You seem pretty self-aware. I feel pretty good. But most of the people who aren't self-aware say the same thing. So what do you mean? Oh, you're very self-aware. You know you're not. No, you're not. Well, I can attest to the fact that you seem I feel very comfortable with like who I am. Later in life, I grew up with so much doubt in myself, and I just I've gotten to a place where I'm I'm just comfortable with me and my mind and my body and dogs, my dogs. Did you have any body issues? Oh yeah, what? I grew up a I grew up a gymnast. I was very, very muscular when I was younger, and all these girls around me were so skinny. And I, yeah, I grew up. I had anorexia when I was young. Oh s**t. Yeah, I went through a lot of stuff. But I think also this is how you get kicked out of you when you're when you're very young and you move here and there's so many girls who are just so naturally thin, they all flock because they're all so beautiful, you know? I was like, when I grew up here, that's why people came here. They got told by a casting director when they were 13 that they should move here. You're going to be a star. Look at Yeah. Yeah. Do you have any body dysmorphia now left like residual from having it? I've gotten to a really good place in my life, but it took a long time. I would say. Up until a year or two ago, I started feeling, you know, if I have a little extra weight, I don't hold it over myself. I just I feel like when you're younger and you're in L.A., it is like almost impossible not to go through something like that, unfortunately. Yeah. Well, yeah, you were here during those really traumatic years. Yeah, I was watching myself on screen when I was young and I it was very it was like it was, you know, it was very eye opening. And yeah. What would your advice be to me in this chapter? I feel like we are on a similar waves, but you're just in a day where you know it's all cyclical or at different spots like what I say to you is going to sound generic, but it's fine. It's always something around the corner. Right. So it could be gone tomorrow. You could go and audition and book it. And on some unfortunate problem with what we do is you don't know when it's going to happen, but you're so talented and I've just witnessed it firsthand. I didn't even know how good you were until I directed you and is only it's going to happen for you and sitting, you know, we're all sitting around waiting for a call. Like, it's not just, I promise, even directing this movie right now. I still feel like I'm not doing anything. I still feel completely like, What else could I be doing? You know, I think that's kind of you to share that insight because it seems like everyone's doing great. And I think that I'm not. Yeah, but I do wish you did not do. No, no, no. You need to know that not every like even when you're it looks like people are doing stuff. They're they're sitting around wondering what else they could be doing to. Yeah, and you're doing this and you still feel like you're not doing enough, you know? That's true. So it's it's it's all grass is always greener, and what you see online is not accurate. But I still go on auditions and then I leave just like pissed off that I'm not working as an actor to, you know, like, I still have that part of my life and it sucks because I as much I love directing like acting was my first passion. Like, I still want to do that and I still plan do. But when it's not, you know, it's slow, it's not happening. You have to create yourself as a, you know, I admire that you've done that. Well, I think you're a very impressive woman. I love you guys. I love you're stronger than I think you give yourself credit for. I think my only thing to you is like that. You don't have to be. That would be my thing. Oh, that's very telling of those two for this point in my life. So I appreciate that because I feel like, yeah, you are such a light that comes into the room and you hold everything together and you do it with such ease that I guess my concern as a friend of yours is like, you don't have to be that for everyone I know and know and love you. Absolutely right and unconditional. I'm working on that for sure. Totally. Because it's a it's a big problem that I have is always being stable for everyone else. And I'm trying. I'm learning too. Would you like me to fake do a scene and you can be crazy in it and then just let it out that way? That might well do role play going into real evidence. So you want a personal level? I have nothing going for you. I love you, Delia. You're wonderful. Thank you so much for taking time. I feel I got a lot of gems out of this, really. Oh my god, it's like I've just been rambling. Not at all. No. You're very. You're very articulate and very wise. Thanks for listening to this episode of Pretty Depressed. A huge thanks to our executive producer Kevin Connolly and our amazing crew Raul, Kevin and Narrowed and of course, our sponsor Best Fiends. Make sure you subscribe and give us a good rating so we can keep bringing you more epic chats in the future. And if you're on the Graham, give us a follow at pretty depressed podcast. Cheers.