782: Death of Mother Could Trigger Ballistic Brother | Feedback Friday

Transcript

Welcome to feedback friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger, as always, I'm here with feedback friday producer, the guy who's really doubling down on those bear serial killer walls, Gabriel Mizrahi, you just refused to decorate the walls. Okay, first of all, I'm in the process of hanging up artwork. Give me a minute. Just moved in also. I'm still sorting out my studio right here at home. It's taken a little bit of time. So by the way guys, if my audio sounds a little weird lately, that's why it's a little it's a little echoey in here. So yeah, it's coming across as tiny, but that'll be fixed pretty soon. You know, you think serial killers would be better at acoustic proofing? I was watching, I told you before I was watching dumber dumber. Yeah. And I thought, you know, this is a guy who kills people in his apartment and he's not even worried about the smell that's going through the fence or anything. He's sloppy. He's drilling holes in people's heads and it's like you might want to throw up a blanket or something, man, put some cones on the wall, some soundproofing in the corner of the room. Bass traps a couple bass traps. Keep people Yeah, I mean it's really not that complicated anyway. No, you know what? You're right, I'm going to finish the rest of the summer and just get some soundproofing tips from that show that we'll be back in business. That's not where I was going. But anyway, on the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets and skills, the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how these amazing people think and behave and our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. So you can get a much deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening even inside your own mind. If you're new to the show on Fridays, we give advice, we answer listener questions the week we have long form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spies to C. E. O. S. Athletes, authors, thinkers and performers. This week we had chris Fenton on chinese soft power and Hollywood movies. I know that sounds a little bit complicated here but chris made movies like Iron Man and other movies you've heard of and worked to get them into china and is essentially now an expert on how the chinese Communist Party uses film and culture to change global opinion or in global opinion on china, insidious, dangerous stuff. Really interesting. We also had peter Zion back on the show on why the system of globalism and shipping and trade as we know it is going to be radically different in the very near future and why some countries might actually essentially collapse have famines massive demographic crises etcetera and why the United States and Canada of course And Mexico for that matter is actually in a great position to withstand what's coming if you thought I sounded like a C. I. A. Shill in the past. Well this week is really gonna knock your socks off so you ain't seen nothing yet. Make sure you've had a look and to listen to everything that we created for you here this week. Now where are those Iranian weapons in Nicaraguan cocaine? I was promised. Alright Gabe. What's the first thing out of the mail bag? Hi Jordan and Gabe. My mother in law is very old and now in hospice at a care facility. My husband has power of attorney and began managing her affairs years ago when we found out that his brother was transferring money out of her bank account, getting her to write him checks and charging his purse expenses to her credit card. There's something wrong with my brother in law. Narcissist BPD. Not sure exactly what BPD is borderline personality disorder for people who don't know and if you want more on that dr Shaham dot episodes explain a little bit more. He thinks he's perfect and smarter than everyone else. He's alienated everybody from his life except his mother. And he's twice divorced with no friends. When my mother in law was in the hospital several years ago, he shoved my husband and anger at the hospital and the police were called. This happened again when we were moving her into the care home. My husband has never filed any police reports or tried to get a restraining order out of fear of adding fuel to the fire. But he's now starting to really go off the rails. He sent a nasty text to a relative and he's blown up at a new director at the care home accusing her of elder abuse. Probably because he's racist. We also get crazy rants by text from him periodically accusing my husband of not taking proper care of their mother and stealing money from her. But then he mostly maintains this really polite, almost ingratiating facade with the care home staff and the relatives who visit with my mother in law. Everyone thinks he's so nice and just dotes on his mom. As we're nearing the end with my mother in law, my husband is becoming more stressed out about his mother's final arrangements. He literally can't sleep, focus on work and so on. He's afraid that if he doesn't consult his brother, his brother will have a meltdown partly because of his codependent relationship with his mother and his inability to accept that she's near the end. Also a family member who's been helping take care of His mother. Has been observing these dynamics for the last few weeks and told my husband about his brother's unusual attachment to his mother. That's a direct quote and that she thinks he's going to become unhinged when she dies. She even went so far as to suggest that my husband and I make the final arrangements but say we are too sick to come to the funeral as she thinks brother in law could do something crazy like shoot us. Whoa, wow, okay, this is something my husband and I have contemplated as a possibility but having a neutral party observed this on her own is validating and very unsettling. We're considering not going to the funeral, but we also think that that would further fuel his brother's belief that my husband doesn't care about their mother and only wants her money. What do you think we should do? Do we call in sick to his own mother's funeral? Do we hire armed bodyguards where bulletproof vests and if so are there places we could rent bulletproof vests signed in dire straits, tempting fate with our very own norman bates, whoa. Your brother in law is a frigging nutjob obviously, yep. Everything you're describing just paints a picture of a guy who is definitely unstable. Codependent obsessed with his mom, but also getting something out of his mom or the role that he plays in her life or thinks he's playing in her life in addition to the whole stealing money thing, which is just so gross, the eyes, him accusing the care home director and your husband of elder abuse of stealing. I mean projection much this guy's off his freaking rocker. It's almost funny how textbook his delusion is. I mean he's not even being subtle about it. Just so transparent. Your poor husband man. I know how hard it is to have siblings like this. I've seen versions of it in my own family. It's a constant source of frustration and anxiety I really feel for you guys. So look, this whole situation is bananas. But I think the answer is pretty simple. You gotta go to the funeral if you don't. I think you and your husband, your husband especially you guys are going to regret it and you'll be angry that you're crazy as brother in law succeeded in scaring you away from this chance to say goodbye to their mom, which is so important and yeah, your brother in law. He would definitely use that as evidence that you guys never really cared about mom. You were just waiting for her to die so you could cash out her ira something something mom promised me the house because I was always her favorite. You know, you just know that that's where this is heading. But the other reason I think you guys should go is I can't tell how likely it is that your brother would actually and I can't believe we're even talking about this. But I know I know it's a real concern. I don't know how likely it is that your brother is going to commit a freaking 187 at his mother's funeral? I mean it's is it possible? Sure anything is possible. Is he capable of it? Maybe he sounds kind of unhinged. But is he really going to shoot you guys in public in front of a bunch of people at his own mother's funeral? I don't know that just it seems a little extreme even for a head case like this, you and this relative, you guys have been observing your brother in law at its worst and your minds are probably going to a very dark place now. If your brother in law literally said to this relative, they better think twice about coming to the funeral because I'm coming strapped, they're gonna regret it. That would be a different story then I'd say, yeah, maybe don't go and also report this to the police immediately. But that's, that's not what happened. Gabe. Do you agree? Am I being way too chill about this? Possibly? No, I don't think so. I agree with you. I don't get the sense that he's really going to hurt them at the funeral. But I also think there are a few things they could do when their mom dies to keep things peaceful or as peaceful as possible. Like for example, I would definitely text your brother in law when his mom dies and tell him, you know, you're very sorry for his loss. You're thinking about him. You're sending them good thoughts. Be kind be compassionate. Even if he's done very little to deserve it. That would be a text for me to write, but you're probably right, schmooze a little bit, get a little bit on the good side, as hard as it is. I would recommend your husband do the same now. Your brother in law might react to that text or that call in any number of ways. Maybe he just ignores it. Maybe he gets mad and throws it back in your face, but it's the right thing to do. It's funny you almost have to like turn off the part of your brain that knows he's a maniac and just treat him like a human being in this moment of grief because even if he's done nothing to deserve your sympathy, I'm sure the guy's hurting and also you guys are the same ones in this situation. So you kinda have to be the bigger people here. Fair point. Okay. Also more cynically, it's also a good way to learn a little bit of goodwill before the funeral. So yeah, so he doesn't do a double murder suicide by his mother's open casket. That's where I'm going with this. Well, quite although I don't know if a narcissist would do the suicide part. True, probably just the double murder part. That's not as bad. Just this guy. He's not taking himself out. He thinks too highly of himself, but okay, like the perfect son going to commit suicide at the funeral. I don't think so. But okay, look, let's move on from the double murder because I think we're going to freak this woman out even more than she already is. I know I'm just having a little bit of a laugh because it's so absurd. Although if we read about this in the paper next week, I'm gonna feel real bad, but we'll do a retraction on the top of next episode. Yeah, correct the podcast in that case. Okay. That should make it right. But I'm with you gave the more they can treat this guy with kindness. The less ammunition. He's sorry. That was a poor choice of words. The less motivation he's going to have to lash out at them. Although let's be real if this guy hates them and he's living in this fantasy world where he's the perfect son and they're the monsters, he's probably gonna make things difficult no matter what he will. But it'll be a lot harder if they're not going out of their way to antagonize him if they're even being pretty nice to him. You know, all things considered agreed and you know, it's one of those things where maybe you do it because you don't want to look back and go, I could have been nicer to hank, I didn't have to say that thing in the kitchen or not say that thing when it counted. So there you have it. I wouldn't call in sick to the funeral. I would go. But while you're there. Yeah, sure, stay alert, Watch your six, keep an eye on hank and his waistline. But if you notice something weird, call it out, let somebody know. Trust your instincts. Yeah, maybe stand behind a family member you don't really like at the service just saying, yeah, Uncle Pete, the homophobic flat earth er or whatever somebody you're not gonna miss. Yeah, like I always say the best human shields are the ones who don't believe in physics. Yeah, exactly. As for the armed bodyguards, I don't know. That seems like overkill again. Sorry, poor choice of words, but like it couldn't hurt to let the funeral home. No, or the cemetery staff know that there's a family member and attendance is a little off, you know, point him out, ask them to keep an eye on him. That is totally fair. And then if he makes a scene or he starts yelling at you or something, they can intervene. They can try to calm him down. I am sure that they've seen it all before. That's part of those people's jobs Jourdan. Where are we on bulletproof vests? Is that something they need to even think about. Uh, no, again, that's probably unnecessary, but you're welcome to wear them. If it makes you feel better, I googled this, you can rent some, although most places will probably want you to buy. But again, I would only do this if you're truly convinced your brother in law is just going to start popping off. But then you know, at that point you, you don't go to the funeral. Yeah. If you're convinced he's going to pop off and you have a bigger problem on your hands on this funeral, right? And you should report this to the police and consider filing a restraining order immediately and then you can go to the funeral and he can stay at home wondering why his only friend was his mom and nobody talks to him and the police won't let him within 100 yards of his own brother. Exactly. Also side note if you wear a vest, y'all know, he has to shoot you in the vest and usually you can get shot. Like once you might still die from trauma force, you'll definitely have injuries. And also he has to, you know, not actually try hard to kill you or shoot you in the head or the face, sorry to be graphic. But vests just, they don't do a ton in many cases. Yeah. That was my big takeaway from the end of dumb and dumber. Oh yeah, hold on, hold on. I'll find the scene here. But what if he shot you in the face? What if he shot me in the face? That's a risk we were willing to take right? Like get shot in the face of this isn't gonna do any good. So get through the funeral, be as gracious and diplomatic as possible and once everything is officially sorted and you don't need to be on decent terms with your brother in law. I would just consider staying very far away from the guy. Maybe even cut ties completely depending on how bad he gets. The guy just sounds like a black hole and a total waste time energy vampire. There's a reason he's alienated everyone. It's tragic, but it's not your fault. It's certainly not your responsibility and I'm sorry that you guys have to deal with him in the middle of saying goodbye to your mother in law. That sucks. I hope your husband can focus on her and on his own mourning process and that the funeral goes as smoothly as possible, sending you and your husband are best thoughts. You know, who definitely wants to drain the old 401k. The amazing sponsors that support this show. We'll be right back. This segment is sponsored in part by peloton. It's the time of year when people are making New Year's resolutions. I've been sharing how I've been able to keep up with my goals. What's worked for me. I made a goal in early 2020 to to get fit and be healthier and I started the year at like 1 90. Now I met my goal, weight of 1 50. Okay. I was but then christmas yada yada. But either way. Alright, I got six pack abs. I've never been this fit or healthy in my life. I'm not exaggerating either People think I'm always kidding. I mean, I can barely believe it myself. So I don't blame you. I've talked about protecting your workout time. Like it's a business meeting, not something that's flexible. I've also talked about lowering the friction to get a workout in, you know, not having to get up, pack a duffle bag, get your coat on, go to the gym, whatever. That's a lot of friction to get a workout in. I like the peloton, it's sitting here, I get a workout in. If somebody cancels a call, I can shuffle things around, I can really get into that space. I protect that workout time. Like it's a business meeting, but low friction also plays a role. I love that about peloton there also, So of course known for their bikes, but the rowing machine that stores upright is really great. Really low footprint in the house and gives you a full body workout furthermore with peloton, you also can really lean on the power of community. They have nailed this. A lot of people say that they like going to work out at clubs because there's a lot of other people and they're, they keep them motivated with peloton and again, they have really done this well in a way that I kind of didn't expect, you can see who's in the class with, you do virtual high fives with each another. It's almost like, imagine if zoom meetings were workout classes, but they actually had stats and not just people with their camera off or like eating or pretending they're not being the instructors really engaging, The instructor might even call you out during a live class, you can add friends, you can be competitive, hopefully in a cooperative way, there's leaderboards, you can earn badges, there, special achievements, all that Gamification stuff they have done so well with peloton and it's a very supportive place, a great way to keep you motivated, especially when you feel like your workouts or maybe a little bit in vain trying to get over the hump of those first few days or weeks of any habit. Pollutants community element has been a great motivational tool and is a great tool to keep up with your 2023 fitness goal right now is the perfect time to get rowing with peloton row, we can promise you've never rode like this before. Peloton row offers a variety of classes for all levels and game changing features that help you get rowing or advance what you can already do, explore Peloton row and their financing options at one peloton.com/ thank you so much for listening to and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going, keeps the lights on around here, All of the advertisers, all the deals, all the discount codes are all in one place, Jordan harbinger.com/ deals. You can also search for sponsors using the search box on the website as well. Please consider supporting those who support this show. Again, Jordan harbinger.com/ deals. Now back to feedback friday. Alright, next up, high Jordan and Gabe for the last couple of years. I've been in a relationship with a woman who lives abroad during one very tumultuous summer. She told me she couldn't handle the distance any longer scared of losing her. I set everything in motion to move in that time. She grew distant and cold and then revealed that she had had an affair with a work colleague at her summer job, appreciating her honesty. I trusted that she had told me everything. We started couples therapy and I moved to her country a month later, sadly this was not everything she left out some major details. She also had a hard time committing to the recovery of our relationship, mostly focusing on herself. We both started individual therapy last year. While I see progress on my side, Her commitment to healing and to creating a home falls short. She seems stuck in a place of guilt, but I also fear that she's just using me to feel sane to have someone to come home to. I'm thinking moving out, but I barely know any people nor do I know the local language beyond some basics. I feel lured into a trap and stuck. I love this girl but I do not feel I can trust her, nor can I work through my resentment. What would you do if you were me signed? A poor sod Odd by a flawed abroad abroad with no squad to fall back on, wow, bravo. That sounded like one of those tongue twisters they used for vocal warm ups. I feel like we should work that into the show. Prep. A poor sod by a flawed abroad abroad with no squad to fall back on a poor sod by a flawed broad abroad with no squad to fall back on the poor sod abroad. Yeah. Maybe we don't need to record the show prep. I think this is what people are like. I want to know what it's like behind the scenes. That's a bunch of stuff. That's all, that's all you're missing guys. Uh well look, I'm sorry this happened to you man. I can hear how difficult this has been. Your girlfriend did some objectively uncool things. She obviously didn't communicate well. She cheated on you. She came supposedly clean, but then withheld crucial information. Now she doesn't seem to really want to work on the relationship. Yeah, that's painful. I can definitely appreciate why you feel like you were lured into a trap. You thought you were moving for one kind of relationship. Now you're in a very different kind of relationship. Although to be fair, you also moved abroad to be with this woman knowing she cheated on you. You saw a couple of red flags that you might have overlooked or justified And that probably wasn't the best idea and I'm not trying to make you feel bad here. I'm just keeping it 100. These are the kinds of mistakes that teach you what to pay attention to and sometimes you just have to learn them the hard way through a broken heart through a few 1000 bucks and zoom couples therapy by the way, you know, the expression keeping it 100 is about to become super uncool now that I'm using it. How do you do fellow kids, what now that you're over there? I think you need to come to terms with the reality of this relationship and the reality based on what you've shared is that you guys are just on different pages for whatever reason she can't or won't work through this cheating thing. She's stuck in her guilt, which fair enough, she's done something worth feeling guilty about, but it doesn't sound like you guys are experiencing much growth or forgiveness, you're not getting any closer and then there's the whole, she's just using me to feel sane to have someone to come home to thing, which doesn't sound particularly healthy or fulfilling or frankly very fun. If this were me, I hate to tell you exactly what to do. But if this were me, I would just call it, I would you've given it a real shot, both in individual therapy and a couple Therapy, which let's not forget you began before you even moved out there and things aren't even getting better. These are fundamental problems and they might be unsolvable right now. And I'm not even saying you're 100% right and she's 100% wrong. I'm just, I'm sure there's a lot going on in this relationship for both of you. I'm just saying it doesn't sound like this is working at all on many levels. So if you come to that conclusion to and I wonder if you're already there, you just needed a little confirmation. But once you get there, I would get to a place of your own and carve out your own life in this new city. And I would think of that transition as an opportunity to engage with your new country in a whole new way. You said you barely know any people, you don't speak the language beyond some basics now is the time to start again. If this were me, I'd get myself an apartment, I'd sign up for a language class, start practicing it wherever I went and I would make it a top priority to get involved in some activities and groups and make some new friends, join a gym, attend some meetups, join a book club. There are tons of ways to open up your world, especially abroad and I don't mean to sound like the wise old guy. This is the joy of moving to a new country, carving out a new identity, engaging with people in their native tongue in all senses of the term you know, gonna be single soon. Not gonna lie. It's hell of fun, especially overseas, but also expanding your social circle, turning on parts of your brain that haven't been activated before. That's what moving abroad is all about. And it sounds like you haven't really given yourself that gift because you've been so wrapped up in this relationship. Absolutely. In fact, it's funny when you said that your girlfriend is clinging to you to stay sane to have somebody to come home to. I couldn't help but wonder if maybe that's also been kind of true of you to some degree. Yeah, I had the exact same thought when you move somewhere for somebody, they can become kind of a life raft, right? They can talk to the waiter for you at the restaurant, you can hang out with their friends, you drop into their routines. It's it's a nice bubble and that's comforting but it can also hold you back and in your case since your relationship seems to be holding you back these days in a lot of ways. I'm with Jordan, I think this is even more important. Could not agree more. Alright, so my advice, give it another six months a year on your own and see what happens. It's very possible that in a few months you're gonna be sitting in some bar in your new town telling people you just met in their own language, the story of what happened with this woman and everyone will be leaning in and complimenting you on your language skills, whatever language it might be, and you're going to have a moment like, wow, is this my life? Did I actually do this? Who am I right now? And you're gonna be really freaking proud of yourself? And I know that feeling because I've been through it whenever I moved to other countries and kind of get cracked the case, right, crack, crack it out and open up. Or you'll give it a shot and you'll realize that you don't bond with this country at all and you'll move back home and you'll be a lot wiser for it. There's no shame in heading home either, but you'll feel a lot better about that decision if you take the next step and see where this road leads again. I'm sorry it played out this way, but also had to play out this way because it is playing out this way. So try to roll with the punches as best you can and find out what path life is trying to put you on. You've also done the scariest part moving abroad now, you just have to stay there and dig in and kind of get through the dip and at the very least it'll be a hell of an experience. Good luck you can reach us friday at Jordan Harbinger dot com. Please keep your emails concise, Use a descriptive subject line that makes our job a lot easier if there's something you're going through any big decision you are wrestling with or you want a new perspective on life. Love work, whether to testify in court for your ex friend's husband so he can keep his kids, whatever's got you staying up at night lately. Hit us up friday at Jordan harbinger dot com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. All right, next up. Hey guys, I work in sales for a tech company and joined during Covid, which meant a remote launch and a lack of connections with my team. I consider myself a professional with an incredible work ethic. So I pushed on hunting for business and keeping myself busy to hit my targets. As we come to the end of the year, I'm reviewing my results and rather close to hitting my annual target. I started comparing myself to my colleagues and using our crm reporting feature. I dug into how others were winning their business. That's when I noticed something which confirmed a hunch I had for a long time. My manager has been spoon feeding a guy on my team. Almost every single deal. I'm talking about hundreds of thousands of dollars in free business and this kid is just riding the wave. My manager is a woman who seems to be secretly in love with this guy. The s**tty thing is while he's been getting a free lunch for over two years, qualifying for the president's club and receiving praise left and right, not to mention the huge money he's earning. The rest of us are getting hounded to reach our targets with minimal support. This is extremely frustrating. Especially since I have a family to support and I'm tirelessly putting in the hours. I've tried playing dumb and throwing subtle messages at this manager to get her to stop. But she just becomes defensive and straight up lies. Also our team is small. So if I report this to HR they'll report it to the manager and then to the VP and it'll circle back to me and create an awkward working relationship. How can I make my situation more fair signed stand up to my crooked boss or stay stuck in Glengarry Glen ross Gabe. I love Glengarry, Glen ross. So good. What a good movie. You know what I remember from that? Put that coffee down coffee's for closers only. Yeah, that movie is straight up nightmare fuel for salespeople. If you haven't seen Glengarry Glen ross watched that movie. It's basically, it's a bunch of ski Z salesman working in this really toxic corrupt office. Great actors, pacino's in it. Some amazing moments in there, kevin, spacey pre canceled. So this is a really just a s**tty situation to be. And I really feel for you here. I ran sales for many years at my old company and I know how much work it is to chase leads closed clients hit your targets so to find out that your manager is feeding leads to one person in particular, a guy that she has some weird office crush on her subordinate, no less. Yeah, I would hit the roof. It's totally unfair and it's terrible for morale because look if these are customers calling in trying to buy something from you guys and she's supposed to refer them to one department, but instead she's referring them to friggin Brendan who spends all day browsing reddit while commissions just fall into his lap. That's bad news. And actually this could be worse than it seems depending on how this manager has been pulling this off and how commissions work at your company, what she's doing might actually amount to stealing from the company. So in my opinion, she should absolutely be terminated for this. My advice. I wouldn't stick around much longer. I would run sales people are in demand everywhere in pretty much every industry in any economy, you have a skill set that is highly valuable. Salespeople are the elite athletes of the business world. There's a reason that top paid sales guys and gals for that matter often make more money than anybody else in the company. Aside from maybe the Ceo or C suite executives, not to mention your attitude, your work ethic, which are huge assets. I would start by looking around, hit up your network, see what's out there, six minute networking plug time Jordan harbinger.com/ course will help you with this. But if you're in sales and you're good at it, you know, you've got a handle on some of this, but I would reactivate those systems from six minute networking and I wouldn't be surprised if you get a couple offers pretty quickly. True story. I just had lunch with a friend of mine the other day. He got a 30% raise just by switching from one SAS. So software as a service, common sort of tech think like Salesforce those online software companies he got, he went from one to another and he's in sales, 30% raised just by switching companies. He's like 30 makes a quarter million dollars a year now. Crazy. But before you leave your current company, I would gather as much evidence of what's happening is possible screenshots of the crm notes about conversations you had with your manager, what you said, how she responded basically how you found out what's going on. If you can, how they're hounding you to reach your targets without much support, all that stuff. Then when you get an offer, you like put in your two weeks meet with your bosses, tell them what's been going on and show them the evidence, Tell them what it's been like working at a place that does this, how it's affected personally, how it's dragged down the team and then yeah, leave it up to them to get rid of this manager after you are gone interesting. So you don't think there's a way he could speak up and stick around. I mean he could but that's gonna be hella awkward and like like he said it might come back to bite him. Do you want to get someone in trouble and then there you're still your boss. I mean yeah I mean sure it's a good point. Brendan's definitely gonna hate him. But if this manager is gone and Brendan is just saw about it. I mean fine everybody else is going to love him for getting to the bottom of this right? It just it seems like a small price to pay for doing the right thing. Well you're even assuming now that the company is going to do anything slash do the right thing. They might just give this woman a little talking to and sweep it under the rug to avoid drama, avoid a lawsuit. Maybe everyone's hitting their sales goals so they don't really care who's getting paid the commission's who knows, interesting. Yeah okay I see that I get that and then what he's stuck working under her who's you know under Brendan and now you see what I did there and now he's worried Brendan's poisoning the Currie cup machine and then he's got to look for a job under those conditions. No thank you. Yeah. No I guess that's true. That's a fair point. I guess. I'm assuming that the company would just finesse this woman and possibly Brendan and then this guy comes out as the hero. But yeah, you make a good point. Maybe he needs to hedge his bets here a little bit. Yeah, sure look. If they do this and they're like, we really want to retain you, we're going to double your salary and make it up to you and increase this. It's like maybe you can negotiate something with the other job. I would maybe still just bounce. It's always good to shift if you can get a raise, you never know my advice. Don't try to fix this. Just find a place that doesn't pull this kind of crap. Then you can see if the company even cares to fix it. You have more to gain from using this as motivation to find a better gig period with your skills, your mindset, you crush it at so many places. But yeah, definitely dropped this bomb on your way out because this isn't cool. It has to stop my sense of justice is itching And I'm sorry this happened to you, but good on you for going fishing and getting to the bottom of it. I'm not even sure how you did that. I'm very curious. That was super smart and good luck. You call yourself a salesman, you son of a, I don't gotta listen to this ship. You certainly don't pal because the good news is you're fired. The good news is you're leaving for another job. Alright. You know, who else wants you to ride a wave of unfair deals. The amazing sponsors who support this show. We'll be right back. This episode is also sponsored by TurboTax. Go to TurboTax and don't do your taxes. Meet with an expert who will do them for you. TurboTax, experts can relieve you from the stress of taxes and file for you so you can do not taxes, show your eyes things that are not taxes, unpack a moving box of not taxes, taste not taxes, sing not taxes a lullaby. Hope not taxes leaves through the night, grab a saddle and ride not taxes into the sunset with the turbo. Tax 100% expert guarantee an expert will do your taxes from start to finish so you can relax, feels good to be done with your taxes, doesn't it? Come to TurboTax and don't do your taxes visit TurboTax dot com to learn more intuit TurboTax. Full service products only video meeting while experts as your taxes required. C guarantee details at TurboTax.com/ guarantees. A lot of people ask me how I'm able to stick to my fitness routine, especially since I have such a bananas schedule for me it's really creating a routine that is sustainable and can be duplicated on an ongoing basis, consistency is the key, right? And Peloton helps me have a sustainable fitness routine because there are thousands of classes to choose from. It's also 24 7. I've always got time for it. I might only have 15 minutes in between calls but I can still fit in a peloton cla*s. Peloton is really famous for their bikes but they also make a top notch rowing machine that stores upright, which you think no big deal. But when you try to have a rower on the floor you'll be so glad this thing goes up right? If you're a newbie to rowing, the peloton row has sensors that can track your movements that shows how your form is doing and it warns you if you're doing something wrong that could injure you or whatever. And right now is the perfect time to get rowing with peloton row. We can promise you never rode like this before. Peloton row offers a variety of classes for all levels and game changing features that help you get rowing or advance what you can already do, explore peloton row and financing options at one peloton.com/ row if you like this episode of feedback friday. You find the advice valuable. I would love it if you would take a moment and support our amazing sponsors, all of the discount codes, all the U. R. L. S. Everything you need to save a buck over at Jordan Harbinger.com/ deals. You can also always search for a sponsor using the search box on the website as well. Just go to the homepage, type in the sponsor coach, pop right up, let us know if it doesn't work Jordan harbinger.com/ deals is where it's at. Thank you for supporting those who support us Now. Back to feedback friday. Alright, what's next? Hi Jordan and Gabe my older sister and I grew up in an abusive household with our dad who was an alcoholic and later developed a pill addiction and our mom who was depressed and felt stuck in her miserable marriage. As a result, we've struggled a bit to find our way in life after divorcing my own alcoholic husband three years ago and becoming a single mother to my now six year old son. I've done therapy and learned about my tendency for codependent relationships. I've done a lot of work on myself but have plenty more to do. My sister has a 10 year old daughter and has always been a single mother, although my niece has a great dad who gets her on the weekends and pays his child support. I've always helped my sister out and have even let her live with me many times over the years. And my niece and I have always been close three years ago, they moved in with me again after my divorce and we plan to help each other get back on our feet by splitting bills and helping share childcare and household duties. Unfortunately this isn't how things went. My sister developed serious mental health problems from an abusive relationship and became a negligent mother who didn't contribute to the household. She also wouldn't get help or do anything to better her situation. I worked six days a week at a physically exhausting job to provide for all of us. I was resentful but thankful that I could at least know that my niece was cared for and that they were safe. Then one morning I found my sister overdosing on heroin. I called 911. They saved her life and DCs got involved. D. C. S. S. Child protection. Is that what that is? Yeah, basically yeah, department of Child services or something like that. Gotcha. So DCs closed the case after a few weeks telling us that I'm the only reason she didn't lose her daughter but they felt she was safe enough with me there and with my sister getting outpatient treatment, I told my sister that I loved her but was upset that she put my child in danger and wouldn't allow her to live in my house if she couldn't stay clean Soon. My sister began acting strange again and I found meth in her bag. I kicked her out and informed my niece's dad. Since then my nieces, dad and I have been working together to take care of her. He got emergency custody but has allowed her to continue to stay with me during the week. So she won't have to change schools in the middle of the year. My niece seems happier since the change playing and laughing more, but my sister is filling her head with lies about me and her dad. As a result, my niece has been difficult with her dad and she refuses to talk to any of us about what's going on. My sister denies having a drug problem and has also turned our father against me. He berated me and accused me of stealing my sister's child because I'm full of hate. I finally had to block him and don't wish to speak to him again, which I'm struggling with. How do I deal with having a family that only uses me and doesn't care about me or my child? How do I see my sister for visitations after she sponged off me for years and put my child at risk and is now trying to turn my niece against me and how do I talk to my niece about all of this? Signed an aunt in agony. Navigating this family. Oh man, this is a really sad story. I am so sorry that you've been through all this. This is quite a childhood first of all. But I gotta say on the flip side of all of this, Look how far you've come, you ended up in a marriage that mirrored your father and that dysfunctional relationship you got out of that. You went to therapy. You put in the work, you learned about this codependency thing which by the way, very common with Children of addicts. That's an incredibly difficult template to break. And you've started drawing firm and healthy boundaries with your sister. I mean, this is remarkable, you've escaped a lot of the dysfunction that your sister is still tragically stuck in and she's probably using these drugs to cope with that in the first place. And you've been able to be a responsible and loving mother to your son and and onto your niece. You know, you're kind of the poster child for doing the work and breaking the family cycle. So I hear you that you have more work to do, but you should be really proud of yourself for all of this seriously. So alright about your sister, she's in a world of pain obviously and my heart goes out to her, she's also a product of your childhood too. But the way she's behaving what she's doing to her daughter, the position she's putting you in, it is not okay, it is irresponsible, it is hurtful, It's damaging, this is classic addict stuff and the fact that she won't even acknowledge her addiction that she's turning your dad against you. That's a whole other layer to this story here. You are you're the normal person in this insane situation, saving your niece and you're being accused of stealing her. I mean, it's just she's these freaking people what our cast of characters, but listen, it's actually your relationship with your sister that I think is the most relevant to this story. You feel responsible for her, which again, very common with siblings of addicts. I mean, how can you not save your own sister when she ods and risks losing her daughter? Right? But also this could be another aspect of the codependency. Your sister has relied on you in big ways without putting in the work to honor that gift and change her circumstances and withdrawing that support, watching her struggle, letting her risk her literal life. That's obviously very difficult for you. And again, makes perfect sense. But I just want to appreciate that feeling so responsible for your sister, even while you simultaneously resent her for it. That is driving so much of your question here. So just to be very direct here, how do you deal with having a family that only uses you that doesn't care about you and doesn't care about your child? Well, you start by acknowledging that you're dealing with two addicts. One for sure, in active addiction, a sibling who's relying on you to save her and clean up after her without taking even basic steps to take responsibility for her own life. You start by identifying the part of you that was probably conditioned from an early age to make sure everyone else was okay and that still wants to step in and save your sister over and over again often at you and your son's expense. You remember that your dad's words, your sister's actions, your family's whole way of dealing with things. Those are dysfunctional responses to a ton of unresolved crap in their own lives. And yeah, they're hurting you. But they're just acting out their own drama. They are creating chaos because they don't know how to do any better. I'm not letting them off the hook. I'm just saying you can hold some compassion alongside your very justifiable anger. Then you decide what kind of relationship you want to have with them, which you're already doing, which is great. But that's an ongoing conversation. And that means carefully and deliberately deciding what role you play in your sister's life how much and how often you're going to step in to save her what kind of bulls**t you're gonna accept and what kind of Bs. You just don't have the energy for how you're going to engage with her during these visitations and and this is the most important part. And the hardest part how much you're going to let her behavior determine your experience. In other words, boundaries, man. Because as you know, when you don't have those boundaries, especially with an addict, this close to you. That is how their chaos seeps in. Absolutely. Well said Jordan's and while you do all of that, I think you're also going to have to go through the grief of that decision, which is also the grief of accepting your sister as the addicted and chaotic person. She is of accepting your dad as the sometimes hurtful kind of confused guy. He is of accepting yourself as the one person in this family who understands how all of this dysfunction works and is pretty much done collaborating with it the way she used to. And that also means mourning the sister you wish you could be, which I'm guessing is the person who could save her sister and make her dad see things clearly and just make everybody okay. Again, that's an identity and it's a fantasy really. And you're gonna have to eventually let go of that fantasy too. And then ultimately you support your sister up to a point and you get to decide what point that is. But you got to let her go her own way as heartbreaking as that is with one big asterisk which is her daughter because your niece deserves so much better than this and she needs you. The fact that you're in her life by the way, that is a huge gift. It'll probably be one of the relationships I would say in addition to the one with her father that saved her. And that's amazing. So my advice there is just be there for your niece as much as you can invite her to talk, listen to her, give her a loving home a stable home, Give her space to talk about her mom if she wants to and also to not talk about her if she doesn't want to sometimes I mean she is 10, this is probably very overwhelming. She might not want to talk about her mom all the time, but you can help her understand what's happening with her mom as much as a 10 year old can understand that. Of course you'll have to see how much information she really needs and what she can handle. But I would also do that without tearing your sister down or complaining too much to your niece. That's another important boundary to keep your eye on. Just keeping things appropriate and keeping them really focused on what your niece needs and yeah, keep working with her dad to give her the best possible life. I am so glad to hear that he's a solid guy. It's funny Jordan. I was actually a little surprised to hear that given her sister's personality, but that's another silver lining here. It's ultimately his responsibility to care for his daughter and when the school year is done, he will be her primary parent again. But you can still be a big part of her life. I am pretty sure that as your niece gets older, she is going to look around at all of these people and she's going to go, okay, mom is on her own thing. She's spinning out grandpa's kind of angry, kind of nuts. Dad is solid aunt is the one who works hard and has a peaceful home and wants to talk to me and gives me space to like process all of this, I can tell who the normal one is here and you just have to trust that being that stable presence for her is all you need to do really to earn her love and you don't even need to earn it really. All you need to do is give it and your relationship and how she feels about you that will take care of itself, could not agree more, gave her sister might be in her nieces ear telling her all sorts of crazy ish, but at a certain point the facts just speak for themselves. All she has to do is keep the door open and stay close. It reminds me of your earlier comment about the dad turning out to be kind of surprisingly stable. A friend of mine, she had a sister and the sister, she was like, I can't believe so and so cheated on me and they had, they had a little girl and I remember my friend was just so pissed at this guy and would send him like these messages like I can't believe you screwed up your family and he's like, I you know, I'm sorry, I hope we can make it up to you one day, whatever because he was, he had like shattered this little family. Then it came out later that he was really a super responsible parent and yes, he cheated, which was not good, but one of the reasons was her sister was in the throes of like a crazy multiple bottle a day alcohol addiction where she would just be like drunk from morning till night, couldn't function, slept all day and he was basically parenting this kid on his own and it became a lot more understandable why he had grown apart from this woman and just have everything had shattered and then turned out to be this responsible guy in other areas and not a total screw up. So there's a lot going on behind curtains and relationships where somebody might turn out to be a different way than you originally think. Also one of the best things you can do is start attending some allen on meetings here we talk about this a lot. This program can be a game changer for friends and family of addicts. It'll give you some great tools for coping with your sister and understanding your family better. This could be the source of support you need most right now. So don't wait check out a meeting or two. I think it could make a huge difference. Maybe it's not for everybody, but go go for it anyway. My only last thought here is don't lose sight of your son in all this. I'm with Gabe be there for your niece, your son has to come first. This is also part of what's so painful having to prioritize what matters most, admitting you can't be everything to everyone in this situation and I say that because I can tell that you have a huge heart and it's hard for you to draw lines and say no sometimes, but your primary responsibility is to yourself and to your son. Everything else, in my view is secondary. Again, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I know how upsetting it must be, but congrats and how far you've come. It really is extraordinary. And good luck with your sister. We're sending you and your son and your niece. A big hug from California Gabe. This story reminds me of the question we took a few months back from the woman who was trying to decide whether to let her addicted sister be her maid of honor at her wedding. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah, of course. Was wasn't she also using meth? Yeah. Now that you mention it, I think she was. It's just one hell of a drug. That crap is everywhere, everywhere. It's uh, it really makes for some in these situations, Am I right? All right. I can't, I'm sorry about that folks. But anyway, that was a whole different situation. But the boundaries piece was big there too. That would be another great episode to listen to. That. Was episode 7 41. 4th question on that episode. We'll link to that in the show notes. At the very least. It might be nice to know that you're not the only person dealing with a train wreck of a sibling cheers. All right, what's next? Dear Jordan and Gabe. I'm a 39 year old woman with stage four endometrial cancer. The good news is as of a few days ago, the doctors could not see any cancer in my body. My understanding is that I still have cancer and this could turn at any time, but it looks like I have way more time than I thought I've been through a lot over the last five or six years. The cancer aside, I have some heavy trauma in my past. I frequently babble, scream and cry in my sleep. I've hurt myself several times trying to flee my bed after someone has woken me up. But when I tried to talk to friends about what I've been through, their faces get all squishy. It's obvious that I made them very uncomfortable. So I more or less just don't talk about it anymore. I've been putting off going to real therapy mostly because I didn't want to spend what time I had left picking at old wounds. Getting through the moment seemed hard enough now that I have more time though. Therapy is back on the table. But the prospect of actually talking about these things is still terrifying. It feels like it would break some kind of emotional dam that has more or less been holding me together. Like if I start talking, I'll start crying and I might not stop writing. This now is skirting the areas I avoid thinking about if I avoid the nasty memories and thoughts, I'm more or less a happy and stable person during the day. At least when I do think about them, my body panics, I get melancholy and it makes the night screaming even worse. Is there ever a time when it's okay to bury your pain rather than try to sort the mess out signed, pretending I'm fine when I just got a lot more time. Wow, what a story you have been through a lot. My friend, this must be actually really intense time for you but I am so thrilled to hear that you're healthy for now. I suppose. I don't know that doesn't sound like you're out of the woods yet, but this is obviously incredible news. You know, I don't want to go too far off the map here. But hearing this letter, I can't help but think about my friend Anastasia goal of Askin. I talked about her on the show last year when she passed away. Anastasia was a super talented, very special young woman who was diagnosed with brain cancer in her mid twenties and the doctors told her she had like four or five years to live. We met because when she was diagnosed, she wrote me an email asking what she should do with the time she had. So we ended up hanging out a bunch, We talked about family and work and what really matters. Big conversations and I could go on and on about this. But what Anastasia really brought to life for me in the past few years that we got to be friends was just how precious time is and that's it. It's the old cliche, right? The only thing that ultimately matters is how we use that time in a way that's important and meaningful however you define that and I'm sure that's the realization you're very much in touch with right now. So you probably know what I'm gonna say here because as we talked about on our end of year episode, we are huge believers in therapy and I do think that it would be incredibly valuable for you. But I also have to say, I really do understand your decision to put it off if I had stage four cancer and I thought I didn't have much time. Well yeah, I mean look, I probably need a space to work through everything. I might also just be like I've got six months, I want to spend it with the people I love, I want to focus on the joy. I don't want to spend my time and money talking about stuff that literally won't matter pretty soon. So I get it. I really do. It's a fair choice. But you're still here. You're still alive. You have time how much time? Exactly? You don't know. I mean, nobody knows right, but it's a hell of a lot more time than you thought just a few days ago and you could potentially have quite a lot of it years and years, hopefully decades. So given where you are now, I really do think it's worth getting into therapy because you have just been given a huge gift. The gift your life and it sounds like you've spent a long time in pain. This unprocessed stuff is, well, it's coming out in your sleep, you've literally injured yourself trying to flee your bed. I mean, those are that's a real serious symptom and until you deal with all of that, I just, I don't know if you'd be able to fully enjoy and make the most of this gift that you've been given. And honestly, even if you didn't have this older trauma to work through going through this huge existential experience of having cancer and then getting a new lease on life, I'm sure that's brought up so many questions and feelings about what you've been through, how to live your life going forward. And those are very meaningful conversations to have with a therapist and I'm going to shamelessly plug one of our sponsors here better help.com/ jordans. I mean, people have had great results with better help. It's a good place to dip your toes in the water and it's it's gonna be something that you can squeeze into your schedule, which is hopefully full of fun things and activities, I could not agree more Jourdan and you know, it's interesting even if she had written in to us saying I just found out I have six months to live, I have a lot of stuff to talk about. But like is it really worth going to therapy? I think I would still say yes. And maybe that sounds ridiculous to your point. Like why spend your last six months on earth talking about how your dad was mean to you or whatever. Maybe your time would be better spent hanging out with your friends and traveling and playing with your dog. I get it. But dying is obviously a hugely profound experience. It's the ultimate experience. So if going to therapy would help somebody resolve old conflicts and have some difficult conversations with people in their life and figure out what really matters to them while they're here. You know, if it would make somebody's last few months more meaningful and richer and more loving, I do think that's time well spent. Yeah, it's a good point. I tend to agree to me. The fact that somebody might die soon doesn't mean that talking to somebody is pointless. It's no more pointless to me than making sure that somebody is, you know, well cared for taking care of seeing people they need before they die, that experience is still real right? It still matters. And if somebody doesn't have a lot of time left yes, in a way that makes it less important. But in another way it actually makes it more important, right? Because it's more urgent. Exactly. You know, I'm especially into this idea for the woman writing in because when she said that talking about this stuff is terrifying. Like it would break some kind of emotional dam that's been holding her together. What did she say that if she starts talking she'd start crying, she might not stop. Yeah, that really hit me. Yeah, it got me too. I mean that's a huge burden to carry around my heart kind of breaks for this woman who's been holding it together for so long and going through stage four cancer treatment. I just I can't even imagine how much she's hanging onto its a lot and I just want to tell her like good cry cry for a month if you have to just let it out crying for a month might be exactly what you need. And I promise you it won't be as bad as you think, certainly not worse than years more of this kind of suffering. Exactly, Absolutely. And I also say that because it sounds like she can't talk about this with any of her friends, like there obviously unequipped to deal with this. I'm guessing it's just way too intense for them to understand there may be a little bit scared to try because it's so beyond them that must make her feel very lonely and that just makes all of this so much harder for sure. Look, I found it interesting that her response to her friends being uncomfortable was so I more or less don't talk about it anymore. I mean that's really sad, right? It tells me that she doesn't really have the support that she needs and she might not even know that there's a very different type of relationship available to her, which is the relationship you find in therapy. Exactly. With a good therapist anyway, somebody really gets her, maybe even has experience with health stuff and existential issues that someone who can meet her in this wild experience, she deserves that. So I hope you find your person. I hope you start talking. You're so fortunate. Not everybody gets a gift like this and I want you to make the most of that gift. So when you're ready find somebody and start talking and we're thrilled for you. We're sending you a big hug. We're wishing you the best as you begin this new chapter of hopefully a very long and healthy life. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and everybody who listen, thank you so much. Go back and check out chris Fenton and peter Zion if you haven't yet. All of the guests are booked on the show. These are people who are part of my network and I'm teaching you how to build your network for business reasons, personal reasons, probably a little bit of both. It's our six minute networking course. That course is free on the thinking thick platform at Jordan harbinger.com/ course. Don't kick the can down the road. I'm teaching you how to dig the well before you get thirsty build those relationships before you need them and the drills take a few minutes a day, ignore this habit at your own peril. Really, I wish I knew this stuff 20 years ago Jordan harbinger.com/ courses where you find it. A link to the show notes for the episode can be found at Jordan harbinger dot com. Transcripts are in the show notes, advertisers deals and discounts all at Jordan harbinger.com/ deals. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on both twitter and instagram. You can also connect with me on linkedin and you can find Gabe on instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created in association with PodcastOne, my amazing team is jen Harbinger, jace, sanderson, robert, fogarty, Ian baird millie Ocampo, josh Ballard and of course Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own and I'm a lawyer but I'm not your lawyer, do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show, remember we rise by lifting others, share the show with those you love if you found the episode useful, please do share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today in the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen. And we'll see you next time. Here's a preview of my conversation with an expert who spent more than two decades rooting out the counterfeit goods and services that fuel a trillion dollar industry that only benefits petty crooks and organized crime networks. It's not just handbags or designer clothes, alcohol makeup, Even cancer medication are just the tip of the iceberg of what gets counterfeited. Here's a quick listen. Anything and everything is counterfeit from automobile parts, cancer medication, alcohol, kids cough syrup. I mean, anything that somebody can fake to make money, they're going to do it. I mean, we found human feces, rat feces and carcinogens in some of the counterfeit makeup. It's really, really scary. I mean, people can actually die are really get harmed over this stuff. The general public thinks, oh, it's poor. People just trying to get by trying to make a living. But somehow down the chain, a criminal organization is involved in that counterfeit item. The sales of counterfeit goods is actually listed in Al Qaeda's training manual on a quick and easy way to raise revenue for operational purposes because why it's a crime that's completely worth doing for them, where they can make huge amounts of money and then let's look at the human impact. Where are these goods made, chinese kids in these factories in the middle of nowhere. There was an investigator on who said he was about to do a raid with the police and he heard Children's music and he thought, oh wow, they have child care for their workers. And then when they came in they found a bunch of kids at sewing machines handcuffed to the machines. And he said the smell was unbearable because they weren't allowed to go to the bathroom. The common perception, oh it's poor people just trying to get by or trying to make a living. It's really not the case. I mean, this stuff is tied to organized crime criminal cartels. I mean, there's a whole big picture behind this stuff. You will see law enforcement to seizures, where they're pulling three million cash out of someone's house and that's all the proceeds from counterfeit goods. When you're buying that item, you are contributing to that child labor, you contribute to that terrorist organization. That is where the money is going undoubtedly. Even if you don't care that the Gucci bag you got for just 20 bucks can't be spotted as a knockoff by the snooty ist in your circle of friends here, why the trillion dollar counterfeiting industry should concern you. Check out episode 308 of the Jordan Harbinger show with chris Buckner