2022 Week 6 Picks + NFL News + Devon Biehn

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Welcome to Cola Classics. I'm your host, superfan, Giovanni. This is the podcast where we play the best moments, highlights, and fans like the clips from all fifteen years of the Adam Carolla show. We have a companion podcast titled Cola Classics. You can find the ad for your archives exclusively available through Adam Carolla's Substack along with the ad for your archives for the Adam Carolla show and the new podcast Beat It Out currently featuring Adam and Jay Moore. That's adam Carolla dot substack dot com. And if you'd like to request a clip, please email us classics@adamCarolla.com. Alright. Onto the clips. Coming up first, we have Adam Carolla Show three thirty two featuring Kyle Kinane, Theresa Srosser, Brian Bishop from 2010. This is the final episode before the show officially switched formats back to the Kalis X Adam Carolla morning show format that has a much different structure than this type of episode. Hope you guys enjoy. Well, you have done a lot of talking about pedophile. Yeah. I have. And now it looks like what was once just a movie pitch in a dream could become a reality. Oh, thank you, Stephen J. Kettle. First, the 18. Now this. Yeah. California gubernatorial candidate Douglas Hughes has made quite a name for himself in recent weeks, not so much by surging ahead in the polls. Nope. This according to AOL news, but rather polls was my k four day. No. Surge. Surge and polls. Surge polls. Power bottom extraordinary. Oh, no. That's right. This candidate has promised that if elected, he will create Surge and polls. It would be like a political porn, maybe. Mhmm. This guy is promising to create a pedophile island for convicted sex offenders. Yeah. This is no joke. He's got an island picked out at Santa Rosa Island in the Channel Islands National Park off the coast of Southern California. Well, we're not doing anything with those islands, and it's good good sport fishing if you're into it. He thinks it's a nice place to maroon convicted sex offenders. Maroon. Well, what, Cats are. Yeah. I saw that Tom Hanks movie. Yeah. What you know, it it sounds insane. Well, maybe we're coming full circle because, you know, in the turn of the century and before then, they would have Devil's Island, you know, and and they would take prisoners, and they'd go, look. We don't want you in our society anymore. And, you know, some people look at it as this, you know, draconian step backwards. But, really, if you think about it, we can't have you amongst us because you're diseased in a way that can't be fixed and pose a wild threat to the most innocent people in society. Most sex offenders don't have one victim. Mostly, they have multiple victims. Tell me about that. I don't know I don't know what the under under is. Oh. Wow. No. I don't know what the on top of under is. Yeah. But I would say it would be somewhere in the low twenties, mid teens. I agree. Like, I mean, it's not the over under on the average victims that a priest or any other kind of sex offender has is not two and a half. Oh, no. It's 28. At least there was a guy in my neighborhood where I grew up that ran a hardware store, and he was there for twenty years molesting kids. Right. I mean, that was probably 10 kids a year. Yep. I used to get I I used to I used to I used to buy tools from McFeely's. I swear to god, I'm not kidding, the name of the hardware store, Tuggies. Oh, stop. In Noe Valley. Yeah. The point the point Stop it. The man did not molest me. Where's these guys don't stop? This is what they do. No. They're well, this gubernatorial candidate is making the point. He's saying, quote, it's like any alcoholic, sex, or drug addict. Have it around you, and it's just a matter of time before you do it again. And, look, you can register, but, you know, they don't really police that registration very carefully. Mhmm. So if you move, it might take you a few weeks to reregister. Briefly enforce. Yeah. Yeah. Alright. I listen. I'm for it. And by the way, let's spread this out to other, you know, Carjackers Island or whatever. I mean, you know, let's just spread it out. I I agree. Yeah. They're big story today in the paper. They're still useful. It's not fair to tell you. Oh my god. Can I tell you There's Teresa crying in a better way than I hear it? I am not kidding when I tell you that the guy who own okay. This dude, he had a bowl of candy down in the basement, and it wasn't fun size candy. He had regular size candy. Wow. Now think of us when we were kids. Yeah. The the value of an a regular size Reese's. I mean, two Yeah. Two two full Reese's. Two full Reese's. Not little nickel ones. Uh-huh. Whole ones. Yeah. And he had a huge bowl, but the thing was it was down. So he had to go downstairs. And it was creepy, homemade creaky stairs that they have at a hardware store. It's dimly lit, and then he got to and then he gives you the big wooden bowl, and he says you could pick one out. Now this is the experience I had. So I'm so excited to get the kitty. And then I'm sitting in my little, like I remember this. You don't forget not being molested by I can tell you. There's a hard sage well, like, buffalo trail. I'm in my green knee socks and a little flower dress. Oh, no. And, of course, no one knows where I am because I'm a latchkey kid. Sure. Right? I mean, my mom's not gonna be home for four hours. You're the perfect victim. I really was. Candy. Latchkey kid. Yeah. Probably low self esteem. Right. But I was kind of savvy because I've been taking the Greyhound and flying by myself Yeah. At that point for many years. Yeah. So I smelled oh my god. Haystack pizza. Oh my god. (647) 192-9415. That's their phone number. Next square. Next is the tuxies. 647-1929 Haystack. Yeah. Best pizza ever. So, so I'm sitting on the stair and he says, can I take your picture? And he pulls out a Polaroid. Mhmm. And he says that, you know, it's a picture to give your mom. And then he says, would you mind just pulling up your skirt a little for the picture? Mhmm. And that's when I said, you know what? I'm just gonna take my Reese's and go. Yeah. And I never told anybody about it. And then later, when he was taken oh, that's my old neighborhood. When he was, I felt so guilty. Like, I should have said something, but I I was maybe eight at the time. Oh. Seven or eight. I would feel guilty that I got a free candy bar. Didn't get my hand down. That's how I was. Right? Saved other kid. I mean, I didn't know. I just I knew I I knew something felt off. Not a fun size, but a for for, like, a full size Snickers. I would have been walking down to that basement, and if somebody had stopped me and said, you know, you're gonna get corn hold savagely. I'd like you understand? I gotta keep the Snickers bar. There was Snickers in the bowl also, full size. Oh. You could pick one of anything. Oh, I would have taken it. Hey. Mister Tuggies. We're gonna be lost in. Mister Tuggies. Oh, god. Should we bring, now Kyle Kinane, comedian, by the way, who's been on the show before is out there. I think we should bring him in and do the news with Kyle. Yeah. I would love that. How about that? He's been here before. It's very funny. I wanna say he opens for Patton Oswell. Do I have that right? You have to ask him? I'll have to ask him. Come on in, Kyle. Good good to do, West. See you. Going, guys? Good. Kyle, you do you open for Patton Oswald? I do here and there. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And let me tell you something. I just got back from Kirkland, and they give you a yellow flag that you hold up and wave over your hand. You cross, and then you put it back into then you put it back. Uh-oh. My daughter's here. Then you put it back into the container on the other side of the street, which would never work here because we'd just be raping each other with a stick. But the point is is they literally have yellow flags that you wave as you cross the street, and then when you get their sights, you put it back into what looks like an umbrella hole. Scott, that's in the city? That's what they have? This this was in, Kirkland, Washington. Jeez. Yeah. I mean, just outside of Seattle, Eighteen Minutes. Alright. It was Adam Kroller Show three thirty two, crosswalk flags. Hilariously, we were in Kirkland, Washington, my hometown when Adam came up with that bit based on his reaction to seeing crosswalk flags at a key intersection in Downtown Kirkland. Bizarrely, great magnet level, bizarrely, I had been run over in Kirkland, Washington as a boy several times. None of which were reported or anything was done about them with only the eyewitnesses being the ones who witnessed what happened. So it must have been such an extreme problem with children and people being run over Downtown Kirkland. They not only had to have light up crosswalks again, they had to add crosswalk flags to the mix, which led to Adam Kroll's hilarious bit. Adam and Mike August hung out at Peter Kirk Park that morning. Well, after Donnie had to rush back to a wedding, I was preparing the next three live shows for the Godfather's Pizza turned last comedy club with a marathon six shows back to back, three the first night, three the second night. I shadowed the first three and really kinda co ran things with Donnie and I did everything by myself for the next three. They were literally hanging out in my old neighborhood, doing cool s**t. I'm setting up the board and board myself doing the boring stuff. But, hilariously, Adam saw the crosswalk flags and then put two and two together and create an entire bit about people being run over in Downtown Kirkland and superman Giovanni, has been run over in Downtown Kirkland multiple times. Great bit. Come up next, we have Adam Krolos show eight thirty six, Michael Madsen, Christian Madsen, his son, Allison Rosen, Brian Bishop from 2012. Hope you guys enjoy. You wanna talk about question to me. I guess I am. Rich white guy fun. Phil Rosenthal invited me over because, he said he got a house out there for the summer, like one of those, colony houses. This is a summer house. Summer this is a summer house. Yeah. That's how he sounds. You. And he and he's got he's a Jewish man alive, and he and they're putting on a fireworks display, which means you got a barge. Like like, I think all the rich people go in on the barge. How does that work? Are you do you do you see the fireworks? Every year, usually, somebody buys the barge. It costs a hundred grand for the barge. The first couple years it was out there, I know that it was Danny DeVito who was dropping the dime for that thing. He bought the barge. Well, you you what do you do? Half a seat on a barge? You rent the barge. You rent the barge, and it costs, like, a lot of money to put the fireworks on it. And they send it out. It's about a mile offshore, and everybody on Broadbeach and all of Malibu can get a great fireworks show. Mhmm. And I heard that, Mel Gibson did it one year. Mhmm. And, but being like a I I they kinda I think Whoopi Goldberg did it one time. I heard that she dropped the money for me. A hundred grand. Like, wouldn't she kinda Oh, jeez. Yeah. I would send one of my lackeys with a basket to, like, walk up and down the beach, you know. Hey. Come on now. $20 here. A little tithing. Are you enjoying it or not? I see you looking up, Dick. You and your kids look like you're having a good time over there. Yeah. I've got friends with, Nick Nolte, and he usually comes by my house with a great big roll of firecrackers. And I used to get stuff from American Soldier magazine or Soldier of Fortune magazine. They used to, UPS me fireworks. But, you know, now after 09:11, I can't get them anymore. Hold on. I wanna get into this first segment. Rockets and all kind of good stuff. First though. You can't do them anymore. Do you and Nick Nolte have some sort of gravelly voice off? Don't. Like, Nick's like Jesus Christ. Benson, hey, Frank. Brought some firecrackers over here. g*****n it. If I would have sent them off whether you like it or not, g*****n it. Hey. You wanna eat another cigarette? Come here tomorrow, bro. You've Yeah. I need another one. I made a smoothie out of gravel. Stop. Stop. You won't be right. I've chewed it back on gravel. I went to actually in Paris One time, and he usually comes around the July 4. Nolte. And my yeah. My wife calls me, and she goes, Michael. She goes, Nick is here. And I said, well, honey, you know, I'm not home. I'm in Paris for Christ's sake. She goes, I know. But, you know, he just came over like he does. He'll just show up. And so I said, put him on the phone. And he's like, hey, Madsen. Where the hell are you? What the f**k are you doing there? I heard you're over in Paris. And I went, yeah. I'm in Paris, Nick. He goes, oh, well, you'd mind if I hang around for a while? And I said, well, alright, Nick. If you'd like to. And so my wife gets back on the phone and she goes, you know, he's sitting outside and, he's wearing a dress. Wow. And I said, a dress? He goes, oh, no. It's not really a dress. It's like one of those wrap around, things. And I said, put him back on the phone. So he because he said, yeah. And I go, what the f**k? I said, what are you, wearing something strange? He goes, no. No. No. I got these in India, and I'm gonna leave one for you. They're really great. You know? They're very comfortable, and I'll I'll leave a few for you. And, and I said, okay, Nick. Whatever. And then she my wife, she calls back, like, four hours later, and, I says, is Nick still there? And she goes, yes. He's still here. He's just Wound. Outside. Yeah. How do you show Nick Nolte the door? That's that's a problem that most people, you know, aren't blessed with. He he's he's a wonderful guy. He's a very good friend. Yeah. You're gonna be Nick very much. We're gonna be looking at the same fireworks. But I really like honestly and there's a lot of folks that live in the colonies there, and they're you know, a hundred grand even for rich guys, that's a pretty big nut there. That's a beast of change. Yeah. But if you got 20 guys claims a credit for it every year, and you just hear this, Mhmm. Chatter on the beach of who paid for the barge this year. So Uh-huh. Do people who paid for it then adopt a new I paid for the barge attitude? I would. Oh, it gets a lot of fun. Yeah. Mhmm. Yeah. So you'll be so you you're right in there, right off of PCH over there. I used to be right on the sand right next to Steve McQueen, where he used to live once upon a time. Now what goes on, what goes on on the July 4 over the Matson House? They're gonna barbecue, party? Yeah. Well, I have five sons. Uh-huh. One stepson, so I like to include him in the scenario. Sure. So you got a way to only one actor? Yeah. Well, there's two now. Mhmm. Yeah. Sadly. But I you know, but he's read every book that I can think of about acting. He's seen every film that I've ever told him was worth watching. He auditioned for the actor studio. He's really done his homework, and he's really I'm very proud of him. He's really What what films what films are worth watching if you wanna be an actor and you wanna look at a performance? One Night Jacks Mhmm. Directed by Marlon Brando. It's a western with Karl Malden. And you tell him, Christian. What did you see? I mean, yeah. You like Last Tango, don't you? Yeah. Yeah. I like Marlon Brando a lot. You studied James Dean quite a bit. K. It's It's okay. No. All the classic stuff, I really like. Straight Straight Tom? Yeah. Just tossing one of your dad's films. They're real. They're they're real, by the way. So so, now when you said going back to Soldier of Fortune magazine for just a second Yeah. In the carefree days pre 09/11 Yeah. When you could order munitions Yeah. And not get onto anyone's radar. You know what I mean? Yeah. Before the laughter died. That's right. What did you do? Like, when you're looking through Soul Soldier Fortune and, you know, that back where you're going through the mercenary section Yeah. And you get to the small small arms and then the the medium sized munition stuff, what kind of stuff could you order that you could fire off from your beach in Malibu back in the day? You could get big rockets. You know, rockets mounted on a stick. They're about this big. Mhmm. You know, the the rocket was about that big around. About two, three inches around. A stick that was, like Yeah. You know, three feet long. Yeah. Like like like a big bottle rocket. And you can get, m eighties Yeah. Cherry bombs That's good. Silver salutes. Do you ever, you know Lots of bricks of firecracker. Ever go down to Baja? Yeah. Because every day is the July 4 over there. I we used to we used to go to Baja, and we'd get those you've not seen bottle rockets until you've seen ones that couldn't fit into a bottle. Oh, that's so cool. Mickey's big mouth bottle rockets. Like, I mean, they're on mop handles. Like, big Mickey handles. You can hold them by the stick actually and light it. Yeah. And you just wait for the damn thing to go off and just hurl it. You know? Yeah. That's the best way to do them. So now you really aim it. And you can twist the fuses together. You put it you duct tape like an amp. I put them in 80 to it. I put them in a great big water bottle, a great big arrowhead bottle Mhmm. So you could light, like, three or four fuses at one time all twisted together. They all go off up in the air. And this is back before the man was up your a*s. Right? Yeah. Do what you want. Now some a*s white neighbor calls it fuzz, and they're over, and they're giving you some sort of citation. Right? Malibu has changed. Yeah. It used to be a little little lawless over there. Right? I had Steve McQueen's, 12 gauge shotgun that he used in the picture of the getaway. Mhmm. His son, Chad, gave it to me for a birthday present one year, and we used to every July 4, we'd go down to Chad's and we'd load that thing up with double odd buck and fire it off on the beach, which was pretty cool. Mhmm. But you can't do that anymore. Yeah. Have you ever had a friend who's lost an eye or experienced temporary blindness or anything like that? Because I am the person when everyone's having fun doing this and saying, oh, this is so cool. You have to see this. I'm hiding inside and being just a real a real ball of fun. I've I've heard about that, Debbie Downer. But, you know I prefer wet blanket, but Well I I I have a lot of sympathy for anything bad that's ever happened to anyone. God bless. You know, I I I've never had that happen. Okay. Thank god for that. No. That that's what I'm saying. Maybe my fears are probably unfounded. Let me say this. Here's what happens. I'm telling you why fireworks are dangerous. They're only dangerous because you get bored quickly, and you have to up the ante all the time. The first move is I'm gonna put it in the sparklets bottle. I'm gonna light it with one of those extendo lighter things, and then we're all gonna run. And then pretty soon, you get to It's entry level. I'm gonna light it off my cigarette I'm gonna hold it in my hand. While I'm holding a beer. And I'm I'm gonna let I'm gonna make sure that the fuse gets down low enough so that when I chuck it, it'll go off in its zenith, and and it's not gonna go and so you find yourself going you quickly get bored with just the lighting in the bottle, the safe distance, and hiding behind the log, and you quickly get into if we took an m 200 and we twisted the fuses together, and then I held it and threw it at that dude on the three wheeler over there. That would be awesome. And that's what it goes that's and then someone loses an eye. That's what happens. That frenzy at the very end where you think you're running out. You want the grand finale. And it's just there any left. There's no rockets left. And Right. Someone's always, like, secretly stashed one in their pocket. I have one. That person gets frogs. Getting tackled. Yeah. It's a good time. Alright. Why don't you, get the news, queued up? I'm gonna give a little love to, one of our sponsors, Evoice. You gotta get this Evoice. Oh, boy. You know who should be doing the outgoing messages for Evoice? Michael Madsen. As Nick Nolte? As Nick Nolte. No. That's what I would enjoy. I mean, he What would Nick Nolte's answering machine sound like? Oh, Jesus Christ. I said, who the hell would've gone me? How the f**king Jesus Christ. Leave a message for Christ's sake. Professionally recorded customized reading. I'm not sure if I got Nolte's phone or not. Is that Nick? Is that Nick? Voice mails are transcribed into easy to read emails or text eyes, which is nice. No more listening to the long winded messages. Does Nick Nolte ever leave you a long winded message, Michael? You know, he's not real good on the phone. He doesn't really call you back. It's, What would it sound like if he was calling you about, one of his, one of his, dresses or or sarong? He's it's a it was a sarong. Yeah. I couldn't think of that word, think I'd do. Well, it's got think always think wrong. It's got the word wrong in it. That's where you start. It was a sarong. Yeah. Not a dress. Think so wrong. That is so wrong on a dude, and then then you'll have it. You'll be almost there. Yeah. He's not real good about calling back. He'll just kinda show up. I I I think Nick Nolte be right on that. No. He just shows up. Not the Nick I know. And he'll open the door, and he'll be standing there. Call me back when he gets you. Oh, oh, you're on the other line. There you are. That's right. Click. Call us back that back. I wish it was like that. The Evoice banner at adam Carolla dot com or go to www.evoice.com/Adam and sign up for six months. Six months free. What would his outgoing message sound like one more time, Michael? Come on. You're now. Jesus Christ. What are you doing? What am I gonna say? I is this thing on? Holy s**t. If you hear me, leave a message. Right? Six months free. W w w dot e voice.com/ adam. Alright. Should we do a little news? You guys hang out. We'll make fun of, things that happen in the news. Good news with Alison Rosen. She'll read some news from her iPad. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. And when it's time to wrap it up, she'll sign it off with Zip It Cook It's Halloween. Halloween. Halloween. So the face eater's mother has come forward. Mhmm. Even the man who would eat another homeless man well, he wasn't homeless. A man who would eat a homeless man's face has a mother who loves her son. No. Why do they have why do they stand by them this way? Well, she's surprised by what happened, and she says he was a good kid. I mean, clearly. Why do they always say that about people that do horrible things? Yeah. What if they say he was a bastard? Really nice guy. Yeah. He was such a nice person. He was heartless. He seemed like someone who would eat the face off a man and leave the goatee. Yeah. He kept to himself when he wasn't dismantling gay prostitutes. Like, alright. Well, that's nice. I can't He was nice enough, but he was always talking about eating faces. I'm sure Hitler had some quiet time as well. He loved his dog. He loved his dog. He liked to paint. He was vegan. It was awesome. Why didn't they let him into art school? Yeah. And by the way, you know, people that do bad things like kill people or rob banks, they don't do it twenty four seven. No. They just kill a few people. It really doesn't even comprise the lion's share of their lives. He was a nice man. No. It's like saffron. Just a tiny bit goes a long way. A long way. Yeah. Or or those weird things they stick into ham. Yes. What? A cloves? Cloves. Yeah. They go a long way. They really do. Yeah. So You don't wanna overpower with a murder. Yeah. I'm sure for the eating. John Wayne Gacy or the Green River Killer, they weren't killing 80% of their waking hours. It was probably just a sliver of their life. Looks like they say in show business, you know, all a % of your money comes from 20% of your work or something like that. That's how it is with murder. Yeah. So they all you have to do is eat a face or two off of a homeless guy, and it it gets you in a hole. Yeah. You're yeah. Exactly. It's really hard to go against type of death. So here's a crazy. Never heard of that. She says. He was a good kid. He gave me a nice card on Mother's Day. Oh, well. Let's let him out. Everyone says he was a zombie. He was no zombie. And by the way, what? My son. They only have nice Mother's Day cards. They're never like, f**k you, fat c**t. You did a horrible job with me. Yeah. That's why I'm in this home. I love you, mom. You're only half a c**t. Yes. Right. They don't have that. Right. They only have nice Mother's Day cards. I hate you so much I wouldn't even eat your face. There's none of that. By the way, tell dad I'm gay. And then she said, I saw one They should have those cards. Yeah. Hello? They don't have. No. It's my dad. I saw what happened on TV, and I started crying. And his girlfriend, he was living with a woman at the time. Really? She said that what she saw in the video was nothing like the man she lived with Mhmm. Because he loved God. He always read the Bible. He would give you knowledge on the Bible. Everywhere he went, his Bible went. When he left, he had his Bible in his hand. So that night, he left the house with his bible, I think. Mhmm. That wasn't him. That was his body, but it wasn't his spirit. Somebody did this to him. By the way, how does that work? He was possessed by a rottweiler? I mean, like, what what what is that? That that wasn't him. I like that sort of I like that part. Like, that's not the Michael I know or that's not him or that whole bulls**t. Right. The one you knew wasn't the real one. Tell that to the guy with no f**king face. Kind of group, wasn't he on some some kind of drug or something like that. Something. Yeah. That they're saying bath salts, but he's dead. So Mhmm. They don't actually know. Bath salts. Alright. Well, anyway Who knew bath salts would make you do that? And, listen. I don't I'm I'm look. I'm no I'm no padre, but it went at the eulogy, I don't want anyone doing that. He's off to a better place now because that he's at the same place my grandma's at, and that means she could get her face eaten off now. We got a call like we see it. It. Look. If there's a heaven, guys that eat faces and get shot by the cops aren't in heaven. Right? That's that's interesting. Are you allowed to be a cannibal in the afterlife? I just don't I don't like any of that stuff where I'm at a funeral, and it's like, he's in a better place now. And I'm always like, what? Why? What? First off, what about us? We gotta live in this hellhole. What's the I should go drive off a cliff now? Maybe this is hell. Yeah. Let's call it a lateral move. And, also, what happens if you're in heaven and then you decide to become a dick? Did you get kicked out? Yeah. I think your grandfathered in. But yeah. But but I mean, can you push it? Like, if you just became a douchebag Yeah. You're all like, oh, my s**t doesn't stink. I'm in heaven now. I can do whatever I want. Well, first off By the way, I don't like it here anymore. Yeah. Well, you feel you feel like you're in, like, somebody driving with diplomatic plates. You're like, f**k that parking meter. Yeah. Yeah. You have heaven immunity. Yeah. What are you gonna do? Give me a ticket? f**k off. Eternal immunity. Oh, I like that. So basically, you fake it while you're on Earth. And then when you get in heaven, you become a huge douchebag. That's such a Jim Carrey comedy. It does. Heaven can't wait. He needs a hit. I think that's a good idea. Don't tell me about that. That penguin thing didn't work for me. No. No. He needs a hit. This is gonna be it. And then, you know, you fill it with a whole bunch of folks. Yeah. This this is the theme song. This is the music show. Good made up movies. And they have they have Jim Carrey, and he's in there, and he's, like, he's f**king around with Abe Lincoln. And, you know, he gets behind Abe Lincoln. He makes a sound. Pow. And then he, like, turns around. He gotcha. And then there's a huge gooshe bag. Totally. But then but then he, like, he falls in love now. Then then what? Like, mother he's f**king with mother Teresa. Yeah. Like, he does say, hey. Send me. Got something on your shirt, mother Teresa. Whoo. He does that thing up her her face, you know, and they show him f**k around with all these legendary folks. But then he's won over. He he could meet the Yeah. This face eater. Meet the face eater and decide to kick him out. Mhmm. From angel to a hole. You can't be here. Yeah. And then, yeah. And there's just, From deity to douchebag. There's this thing where, God is talking to Saint Peter, like like like he's, you know, like the manager of a club is talking to guys working the door. Like, what the f**k you doing letting that douchebag in here? And he was like, he was cool when he came in. I don't know what happened. Uh-huh. This is good. So it turns out the homeless man whose face was eaten Mhmm. Had graduated from Stuyvesant, which is a really good high school. Mhmm. And so there there's one thing about him. Another thing about him is that his family thought he had been dead for, like, fifteen years. They didn't even know he was alive. So this is really good news, bad news. Yeah. Surprise. Yeah. Good news is we found it. Right. Bad news. He has his own face. I thought I'd never see his face again. Oh my god. You know the you know the real tragedy The real tragedy here is that just said. Is Oprah being off the air because there there was always that light at the end of the tunnel. Like, if you ever attacked by a chimpanzee or a crazy guy ate your face or you lost your legs to a commuter train or whatever horrible misfortune met you. At some point, when the stitches were taken out, you healed up well enough to walk or get into a chair, whatever it was, you there's always Oprah out there. She was always out there, and you could go over there and get a Buick and a book deal and a cappuccino, and your wife would then have to tell I saw this what poor kid was born with a vagina on his forehead? But but but there was always that thing where you had Oprah. There's no Oprah anymore. Now you just Who's gonna choose gonna fill in the void? Not the core of the gotta do a daytime show. Yes. Nick, don't talk about that. A job. It's a good idea. I may start my own show. I my first guest will be the guy with no face. Yeah. I'm just saying there was always a Tell me what was it like while he was eating your face. That that's all. And then they Are you angry at him? He'd get a a book deal. Can I read will you forgive him? There you go. Face is bad for you and safe eater. Right. And I'll forgive him. Ask this question too. You say you're a Christian, but don't you question your faith after something like this? That's a good question. That's good question. That's good question. Your faith. You know what I mean? Yeah. Somehow, they and by the way, the answer is like, f**k yeah. By the way, f**k god. I'm done now. I'm hitting your face even, dude. Just give it up really quick. Did you ever think you would find yourself in a situation where your face was being eaten? What was the first thought that went through your head? Thought. Yeah. Crazy guys devouring your face, and you've they're you're thinking, what what's taking so long? Yeah. I I like that. I like that question. Yeah. Obviously, you never thought that one was coming. And by the way, if you did, you'd have your head inside a birdcage everywhere. Right? I've seen the guy whose face got eaten by the chimp. That was a s**t. He was on Oprah, wasn't he? Jim was a s**t. He got his face in him. They ripped off his bowl. One of them Oh, no. Wait a minute. And buried the balls. Oh my god. No. The guy got attacked by his own chimp. Remember? Yeah. That was him. Yeah. They bought the chimp a birthday cake, and the two other chimps freaked out when they saw the cake. And they said, that's it, man. And they jumped out, and they ate his face off, and they ripped his nuts off. That was yeah. They ripped his nuts off. All his fingers in his in his off his hand. Yeah. That guy. And then the chick who got a face. About the process of doing that to someone was psychologically broken down with the fact that they ate his face so he wouldn't be attractive enough to reproduce anymore. Mhmm. They ate off his fingers so he couldn't defend himself. Mhmm. Then they ripped his nuts off and went and buried him in the forest so he couldn't reproduce. Yeah. Because if they didn't bury them far away, he might Right. Find them. It's a systematic thing they did. You see, they really Oh, yeah. f**k him up. I really couldn't. No. There's no Marquis of, Queens crying. Marquis of Queensberry over there. He's just smart. I missed my chimp. I can't believe he did this today. Oh, they forgive the chimp too. Oh, he's got battered human syndrome. Apparently, his chimp never jumped out of the cage. He just sat there and let it happen. Yeah. There was, there was a great Let his friends do it. Well, so the here's the point. I think the other two got fed up because he was getting so much attention when they saw that birthday cake. Yeah. He saw that photo out of the first week. The dude well, so there was else has got some story. There was a dude who was attacked by a chimp, but then a children was attack attacked by a chimp, and they both made it on Oprah. So it's like Yeah. I'm just saying she was That's what you get to do. Fall back, go to like, if I was visiting someone in the hospital that'd been devastated by a chimp or a guy with a bible, I would have said, look. At least we got Oprah. Mhmm. Now what? Nothing left. I know. Because it was almost like a punchline. And, you know, what are you gonna do? Well, you can always write a book and go on Oprah. Right. Now what? Ellen? Come on. Yeah. Come on. Ellen, not Or the view? Yeah. Hoda and Kathy. We'll go on The Talk with those Yentes or whatever the show is. Oh my god. We wouldn't even let the homeless guy speak Yeah. Lord. Mhmm. If he can. Mhmm. Because I don't Yeah. I don't think he can. Mhmm. Alright. That's Adam Krollo Show eight thirty six with Michael Madsen doing a little Nick Nolte. Coming up next, we have Adam Krollo Show eight ninety seven. This is doctor Drew bonus show six from 2012. It's when they were soft launching the Adam and Drew show before it existed. They would try out these episodes, and this is a really great riff and I hope you guys enjoy. There are certain things that, for instance, I I always say this, like dogs. You know? Before they lay down, they turn in a circle for a while and then they they lay down. And you're like, why are you doing that? Because you're on f**king Berber carpet and you're upstairs in their central air. And it's like, well, that's what their instincts are. You know? That's just what they do. Right. And, we we understand that with all animals, domesticated animals. Yeah. We've been become domesticated. Yeah. But So we still do the circling. We still there's an element of us that wants to go out and do whatever we wanna go out and do, but we've realized we've been domesticated. K. But there's this thing, and I think this is the new version of going out and humping and gathering as I always like the kid. But, The porn. Is I'm gonna go off into this next room. Now it used to be I'm going to the wilderness. Now I'm going down the hall, and I'm gonna look at somebody else's f**k, and I'm gonna beat my meat. And that is my turning around before I lay down on the Berber carpet. That's the thing. You know what I'm saying? Like, that that is my that's as much as look. And and listen, ladies, if this is his version of being a lone wolf, you know, so be it. Give give him a little of that space. Maybe a net positive too because if you really sort of look at where that impulse used to go, it would go to the w***e houses. It would go to the bars with their bodies. Town. They go into town. They go act out. And what do they do? Act out? They do aggressive things on the w***e. Every third song was written about rambling. Yeah. Now they ramble on the Internet. I gotta ramble out in the cyberspace. I gotta move on. Yeah. Yeah. And it was about, like, physically moving on. I was just I bet there's a lot less of weird a*s going on when guys travel. I was just I was just listening to, the song. I don't know. We made love in my Chevy van. Song's such a horrible song speaking of the seventies. But the guy did this thing where it's like, made love in my Chevy van. And then he went and dropped her back off, and they basically picked up a runaway, f**ked her, and then dropped her back off in town. It's basically a song. Yeah. Well, the seventies. And and then there was this thing where it's like, next time he comes through town, maybe he'll f**k her again. It's kinda like, I love those songs. Like, I I gotta be going. I got I gotta fire up my Chevy van. This the song? No. It's another song. Sammy Johns. She crawled in. Two first names. I mean, they would talk about these horrible, horrible behaviors as though they were, just listen. That's by the way that's by the way him putting a Quaalude in her Mickey's big mouth. Yeah. Yeah. Now you listen to the part of the song where he he drops her off barefoot back in town like he'd raped her in the woods. This is the this is the Chevy van. This is it. I know. I'm f**king with you. Yeah. That's why we're playing it. f**k. Thought maybe it was another one you'd be fond of. She's young. This literally was like a pedophile anthem. Her long legs were tan and brown. Pedophile effing anthem. He picked a chick up in his van, he took her to the f**king woods and he raped her. He's exactly right. Then he took her back to town. But just listen. Listen when he drops her off barefoot. And he's rambling, man. Oh, god. I always liked the before, during, and the after too where they go, we we're we're gonna make love in my Chevy van, and then there's they're we're making love in my Chevy van, and then we made love in my Chevy van. So it's a good part. You know? Got all the tenses in there. Creative. Alright. Now he talks about how small her town was. Put her out in a town. He pushed her out of the van. He put her out in the van. Now listen. A dirt road main Street. A dirt road Main street. She walked off in bare feet. Oh. To bare feet. It's a shame I won't be fashion to Yeah. I couldn't rape you again. Well, it's a shame I won't be around because I'm a criminal now. I gotta ramble. Hey. Let me tell you. When you get to your later teens, call me. I'll come back and rape you again. But I gotta ramble. It is so But this is the s I like that. I the line is I put her out in a in a town that was so small, you could throw a rock from end to end. That's right. Mhmm. She was barefoot when she escaped from the van. He'd put her out in the in the mud. In the main street without pavement. It's it's a shame he won't be passing that way again. But like I said, when he does, maybe give another raping. We wonder why things are unraveling now. That is where it started. Hey, man. You made love in the van. That was the stuff that was when we were growing up, was not just romantic. It was highly prized, valued. Picked her up in his wagon. That's right. Dumped her off barefoot. It's pedophilia. Pushed her out. Pedophilia. Did he stop the van? Is that part clear? Or did he shove her out of the van? Not clear. Pushed her out of the van. Keep your eyes on the road. That's why they have those swiveling captain's chairs, by the way. So you gotta kick a, 14 year old you raped by the lake out. You don't even have to f**king you don't have to slow down. You just turn this chair out toward the window and just kick her a*s right out. But this is you're not using hyperbole. Threw her shoes out a mile down the road. Shoes. This is why it's not hyperbole. That was a shocker. About raping a chick by a lake. What do you got? We made love in my Chevy van. I bet if you analyze 10% of the songs of the seventies, you'd find s**t like this in there. Well, they all had to do with she's a little bit too young, but I f**ked her anyway. And I have to move. I'm gonna ramble. And I gotta go. Hey, man. You never know when he's passing through that town again. What was the matter with us? That's a country. I have no idea. Who Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. What is this? Young girl. You better run. You're much too young. You're too young. It's Burton Cummings. Even his last name talks about ejaculate. Burton's coming again. Oh, this is Gary Puckett. That's right. Burton coming with the union gap. Right? Or is there a Gary Puckett in the union gap? Gap? Where's Burton coming? f**k. You kept the secret of your youth. Maybe you're 15. You let him to believe you're old enough to give love. Who knew this guy rested right then? He's singing about what he did. Yeah. Uh-huh. Young girl, get out of my This is the guess who? Milo for you. No. Guess Burton Cummings was the guess here. Oh my god. This is the union gap. Oh. Smell much better. Sounds like a place where you where racists would buy jeans. Or the confederate cap. That's where they That's where they buy the jeans. Yeah. Union caps. That's a good black folks, by the way. The jeans. You're just a baby. In the sky. Baby in the sky. Yeah. Mhmm. It's wrong to be wrong to be alone with me. Listen to this. That come on look is in your eyes. You know what I realized? 70 is a great time to be a pedophile and a sociopath. Yeah. Their other song is This Girl's a Woman Now, which is a good he made her into a woman by raping her. Think about what a great song has. Lady willpower too, which is like, I'm gonna sex you down. Oh, yeah. Even though you don't want to. To your mother. I'm sure she wonders where you are. Here comes the prog here comes the declaration of rape right here. Get out of here before I have the time to change my mind because he's afraid they're going oh, yeah. I'm gonna rape your a*s. You'll get moving. Oh, young Get out of my mind. Must have been a great pitch with, like, his manager. No. No. No. I'm saying I'd like to rape a teenager. I'm not saying I raped her. I'm saying I want to, and I'm going to rape a teenager. s**t back then. You don't Sociopath, pedophile. That's that's what we value. Listen to me. I'm I'm listen. I have a daughter as well. I'm not saying I'd like her raped. I've seen her fight yesterday. The song is about a guy who's thinking about raping a 14 year old, but decides not to. Oh. Do you understand? Oh. Big difference. Big difference there. He's saying, I'm gonna rape you, but I'm tired. You understand? But he's not saying he's raped her. Big difference there. Number two on, Billboard, by the way. No. But yes. But the what's I people that weren't alive then cannot appreciate what we're saying. I love that. I'm telling you, lady willpower is March, baby. Lady willpower is great. It got worse as the seventies came along. Young girl and, this girl Uh-oh. He's telling you, you give your love to me. Power never. Yeah. Yeah. Must have been funny when, Gary Puckett oh, you gotta listen. Yeah. It must have been funny when you're gonna get a picture of Gary Puckett up. I gotta see this guy. Aw. Yeah. What happened to him? Get some history too. What really what where did he what prison is he in there? He's afraid of what he might have on his Little girl. You're worried about video games and violence. This was going on in the sixties and seventies. Oh, look look at that. I'll take good care of your love if you will let me give you mine. Well, baby, listen up. Oh, yeah. Alright. I I need I need this you this the I need this girl is a woman now. Cook a Gary Puckett there too. Hold on. Just quick on that. Just the point is this. This girl's a woman now. I just like to be a session musician through, folks. Okay. Sorry. She had little pigtails and stuff. Oh, playing in a world of her own. Own. Yeah. Yeah. World without rapists. Sandbox. World without statues. But now Existing in a playground of stone. Yeah. Literally. Literally a playground. Overnight, her world was changed. And the ravens showed up. I can't even believe this s**t. Never gonna walk the same. That's right. After Gary got it. s**t. I'll see her at the site hospitals ten years later. This girl is a woman now. Oh. Oh. She's 12. She's a woman now. How to Come on. You click on Gary Puckett for me. Get his e his pixie up there. I gotta see this. Listen. I need to know where it is from prison. She's found out. Listen to this. Listen. I'd I'd just love to be one of the session musicians where Gary Puckett and the union gap would, like, show up and they're like, alright, guys. Gary's written another song. Let me guess. Let me guess. This one about the civil war? No. This is about the deflowering of yeah. Oh, so I'm shocked. Yeah. Just looking at Wikipedia. Resides in Florida. See that. Clearwater. Clearwater. But there there was there was a separate Wikipedia for him. Alright. Just listen to the lyrics. No. The Hobbit. Child had died. Yeah. You killed it. You killed the child with his c**k. You stabbed the child. She learned how to love, bro. Oh. This this is like Taboo two. It really is. Same same bulls**t kind of, glorification as crap. Right? She's found out what it's all about the hard one. Get the Taboo two song out. You'll see it's the same damn piss. Hold on. Let me hear this. Okay. Alright. She lived in a playground without pedophiles. And then, you know, overnight, she became a woman. Overnight. In an instant. Yeah. In an instant. But there you go. Alright. Again, I just God. I didn't be funny. Like, Gary two stepdaughters have been oh, I can't. You got another song? Yeah. Taboo two is what we need. Brother, eat f**king, wouldn't you? Alright. But this wasn't number two on the Billboard charts. Alright. This is this is your favorite song, though. I mean, it is because a lot of young boys are suckled and petite of this song. It's true, but this song did not have pop you know, did not enjoy the kind of common popularity that Gary was on the billboard. Yeah. Alright. That's it. The point is the culture was infused with this crap in the seventies. Infused. Yeah. Remember when we started this conversation with your poor dad in front of his trailer Yeah. In those crazy pants, watering his lawn. He was infected by all this. Yeah. Except for he couldn't get laid. But yeah. Yeah. But he's infected by it. Just accept the idea that Gary Pockett. I just would love the band meetings. Alright. I've been riding. Let me guess. About what, Gary? Well, now hold on. Hold on. I'm going a new direction. Alright. This one is called you haven't started your period yet, but I'm still gonna f**k you in the a*s. Okay? Alright. Too far? Too much? What? This is my thing. People love this stuff. Sing about it. Love it. Hit the billboard with the last one about the 14 year old. Yeah. Let's push the envelope a little bit. Mhmm. Mhmm. Oh my god. This one's called I got enough pubes for the both of us. Okay? This is a what? No. We're not writing a song about what it's like to be on the road with a hardworking band. That's that's done way too much. Unless. Unless the Unless there's some statutory rape. Playground. Okay. Dirt rolling. Phil, I'm listening. You say we stop in Baltimore and rape teens? Alright. Okay. Dirt rolling. Phil, I'm listening. You say we stop in rape teens? Alright. Okay. Alright. Ugh. Alright. Oh my god. That's alright. They were punished by multiple platinum right away. Hey. Hey. The guy had pipes. Our kids are gonna have it so much better. Yeah. They'll have f**king chicks sing yeah. Screaming at fat chicks if they're beautiful. What? That's every f**king song is a f**king chick talking about empowering other chicks. Yeah. I'm saying it's better Nah. I I call it fashion, but I miss the statutory rape dogs. Alright. Those Adam Kroll show eight ninety seven. Coming up next, we have Adam Kroll show fifteen forty six. David Allen Greer, Gina Grad, Brian Bishop 20 15. Road hard movie dot com or adamkroll.com. You can watch your movie. Guys made so far? And are you giving back to all the people that donated? Because I know I wanna know. I have not made any money. You haven't made it. Why do you laugh? Because that's kinda like it's been lying. It is. No. Seriously. How much did you make, and are you giving your investors just a little bite of all the millions you made? Why are they turning my mic off? I don't. Hello? Hello? Hello? So far I'm getting the old stink eye. The only person that has not made any money is me. That Wait. So far, the only person I've made any money. I got about two But how do you buy thousand hours in there. Buying the big time cars, the 800,000 for this, Paul Stanley's Ducati, you know, the big Paul Stanley. The big the big race cars. You got the, hey, Doug, look at my new building. You know, who pays for that? Because I Well, you know, my dad's a hedge hedge fund guy. Holy mackerel. Did you know that? I didn't. I thought he played trumpet. I is it trumpet or He does, but that's just what he does on the on the side. Is it called the welfare fund? It plays it plays a flugelhorn Yeah. Which is not totally different from the trumpet. It is not. No. The reason, what what pays for all that is the Spike TV shows. What? I'm sorry. What? The books. That's why I do that's why I do all that stuff. I'm sorry. Alright. Should we do a little news? Let's do it. Let's do some news. The news with Gina Grad. So I don't know if you've heard of revenge porn. Yes. I am. So good. I invented it. Are you kidding me? Christopher Kevin Christopher Bullert may disagree with you because he has been sentenced to eighteen years in state prison according to Gawker. The San Diego man ran the website, yougotposted.com, where users and hackers could anonymously post nude photos and personal information of people, always, almost always women, without their consent. And then the victims would have to pay around $350 on a site called changemyreputation.com Right. To get their pictures taken down. He was convicted on 21 counts of identity theft and six counts of extortion. Yeah. Wow. Eighteen years. Eighteen years. You answered my question. So it wasn't the revenge porn site. It was that he actually was just this is a ruse to Well, he double dipped. Right. Right. Right. Well, but the best part, they said, on an average, he earned about $900 a month. So hardly seems worth it. What an idiot. Yeah. About 10,000 images were uploaded. I mean, it was horrible. Something, Adam. Isn't there gonna be an opportunity to revenge porn this guy? He's going to prison. Mhmm. You know he's gonna get porked in the bunghole there. Yeah. It's gonna be a camera because these prisoners are very sophisticated. Post that, double dip back to him. Mhmm. You know, if you don't wanna see Rashawn, you know, driving it home to mama Mhmm. Give me $37. Mhmm. Guys, I'm putting it out there. There's an opportunity. Mhmm. Maybe left to put money on his canteen. Yeah. I don't you know, I I I Hold on. Bob Bob Ryan, that was f**king funny. You just stared at me because this new fake Teresa is just slinging them. She's coming with hard balls, and you are shutting her down. Very funny. By the way, I like your sweats. Alright. Go ahead. I was Yeah. I said it. I was Come on. Get some more man. Kriya, g*****n it. I was, in my kitchen this morning, standing at the refrigerator in my bathrobe. My daughter handed me her phone because she was talking to her friend, Cammie. And she wanted to film her in her dress. She she was wearing her Easter dress and Wait. She talks to her friends on the phone? She talks to her friends on her cell phone. She has her own cell phone at eight. Yes. Why? I don't f**king know why. Why does she need a phone at eight? I just pay for everything. I don't know. What what Oh my god. She doesn't I got news for you. She doesn't f**king believe in the Easter bunny. Okay? She's got herself. Can I say this? Giggle it. Yeah. Has this been going on for, like, a thousand years, like, where someone would go, like, why does a 10 year old need his own wagon wheel? I don't get it. I don't get it. He doesn't have a mule team. For a reason. My daughter doesn't need a snack. I I I don't know. I don't know anything other than I pay for everything, and that's all I know. I'm eight years old. You are losing control. So I'm standing at the refrigerator, and I'm trying to get out some milk for my coffee. And my daughter hands me the phone and says, get a shot. I mean, Cammy wants to see what I look like in my dress. So Cammy has a phone too? Evidently. Holy s**t. Cammy's a 31 year old Puerto Rican dude. I was gonna say. Right? And I'm holding this phone, standing in my bathrobe, trying to I'm thinking I'm filming my daughter except for I'm looking at Cammie's picture, posted side stamp at the top. You're on a list, dude. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm trying to think, like, well, what's going on? Like and how is anything ever gonna stay private? And how's everything not gonna just end up on the cloud? And is there what you know, we all need to do I think this would solve a lot of problems. We all need to schedule one afternoon out of the year. This is for everybody who lives in The United States. You get a DNA swab. We will get some DNA. We'll put that in the data bank. No more arguing about fingerprints or any of this left behind or ACL f**king you or anything. Just everyone's DNA all in the bank. I got it. All in the bank. Erase. And then while we're there while we're there, we are going to have a videotape where you put on a baby bonnet, clown shoes, and you're raped with a mop handle. Right. That'll be everybody. Okay. Every human being. Everybody. And it it's just there. And there's gonna be a condom on the mop handle? No. No. But we'll use a new mop, or we'll wipe it. We'll spray it down with Purell. Whatever it is. Who with Purell would hurt worse? Well, no. Water soluble Purell. And we're gonna take Purell, and we're gonna mix it with AstraGlyde. Okay. Okay. Either way. And then whatever happens about you having sex with your boyfriend when you're 19 and it getting tossed up on the or whatever, racially based tirade you went on at a at a club or whatever it is, the question will have to be asked. Is it gonna be worse than you being violated with the mob handle wearing the baby bonnet and the clown shoes? Answer will be no. Nope. That'll be it. Equal playing field. Moving on, there'll be nothing. Okay. It's not a good idea. That's a well thought out plan. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Great equalizer. Who's going first? Guys, we'll go alphabetically. Okay. Mhmm. Adam wait. s**t. Brian, let us know what happens. Bad news for me. Mhmm. Alright. That was Gina Grad and David Alan Grier for 2015, Gina's first year on the show, along with Brian Bishop. Coming up for our final clip today, we have Adam Kroll show nineteen fifty eight featuring Greg Fitzsimmons, Gina Grad, and Brian Bishop. This was from 2016. This is Gina's second year on the program. And this is Greg with a very embarrassing story like only Greg can do. Check it out. Go out. Check out, FitzDog. Always delivers. Just told us a funny joke in the hall. Would you like to tell everyone you're funny joke? You know, I've got a lot of guys a lot of guys talk about we were talking about Adam's got this beard, which is like mine. It's coming in in a lot of colors. Yeah. Mhmm. And, and if you wear it for I shave mine. And, Gina, can you see the welts? Oh, there's a few. Yeah. Yeah. I look a little AIDS y. A little bit. Mhmm. A little lesiony. And, you know, the post shave, you need you there's gonna be some issues underneath the beard after you haven't shaved in a while. And I was talking about how guys all like to shave their balls, and they go, yeah. You know, my my my girl likes how it feels. And I say, yeah. She likes how it feels the first night. Four nights later, it feels like you're spanking in her taint with a cactus. Can you relate to that? Preach, brother. Take us to church. Amen. And that's why you gotta go see FitzDog and bring the kids as well. It's a it's a family affair. Shave them all up. I, there's this horrible bus accident, and I think five or six kids died. Yeah. Six at least. Yeah. It was a big bad bus bus accident. And I don't see all I want out of life is consistency, which is I can't I'll I'll I'll give you an example. Million years ago, we did a man show wrap party at a bowling alley. It was Kirkwood Bowling Alley on Ventura Boulevard there. And at a certain point, when everyone was drinking, everyone decided to smoke because that's how it works in this town. Everyone everyone gets drunk, and then they wanna go smoke a cigarette. But you can't smoke a cigarette in a bowling alley for Christ's sake. I would argue that they should be grand grandfathered in. Like, when I was a kid sport. People are exercising. When I was a kid, you'd go to a bowling alley. They would hand you a cigarette as you walked in. That old pulley machine. That's going down there. Smoking altogether. But either way, can't smoke in the bowling alley, fine. Kirkwood the the way the bowling alley was is Ventura Boulevard was a street, and it didn't have a Ventura entrance. The entrance was in about 50 feet from Ventura Boulevard, and it was off the parking lot. And they have an awning and a bench and a whatever. And so everybody at a certain point when they got good and liquored up is gonna go outside and share a cigarette with their beer except for you can't walk outside of Kirkwood Bowling Alley holding a beer even though you're in the parking lot. You're not on the f**king street, but you can't be trusted. These are adults. Yeah. These are these are adults, mid thirties at the time, gainfully employed. We rented the place out for a party. It's our place, essentially, and everyone has to set their beer down on the carpet, you know, next to the front door and then go out and smoke and then try to decide whose beers were hers or his when they come back in because we're safety oriented, except for none of our school buses have seat belts. Other than that, we're in the safety. That's it's amazing. There's no headrest and there's no seat belt in the school bus. Yeah. But other than that, it's safety, safety, safety, and more safety. There's click it or ticket for you on the highway, you with the airbags, you with the headrest, you with the crumple zones, you with all your stuff. It's click it or ticket, click it or ticket, click it or ticket. But in the the box, it carries the kids. No. Yeah. And very casual attitude towards safety. So I think six kids are dead now. I and here's my old thing. We should be able to go f**k you to everything until you put the seat belts in the school bus. Right? Well, they've got the they're high backed seats covered in rubber. I think they they are. I was half of them are low bench or still the low boy. I mean, it just go up to the kid's shoulder. Or I don't know how many are on the road from school school buses. Yeah. The other ones have the high back. I used to sit in the back row. I went to, I don't know if I think I might have told you this once before. Oh, god. I was, I went to a school, and it was all Catholic school girls on the bus because I went to a private school that was about twenty minutes away. So back then, for whatever reason, if you lived a certain distance from school, even if it wasn't this the public school, they still had to provide transportation. Mhmm. So it was a giant long bus filled with girls with short plaid skirts and white socks pulled up to the knees. Oh. But that little front part of the thigh in the afternoon, the sun would come in, and it would just graze the blonde hair on the front of the tan thigh. Yep. And the Fitz dog sat in the back row Young 28 year old Fitz dog who drove that bus took notice. Sit in the back row, and the Fitz dog used to pleasure himself on the way home from school. Gary, you hear this? You've been beaten the transportation department. That's cocaine, buddy. Gary beat I I made this, I made this this, insane comment once, which is, well, you know, sort of who beats off in the bathroom of an airplane, and Gary quickly chimed in with one of these who says you need to use the bathroom. Oh my god. And I was just like now Carollas don't fly. But if they did, it would surely be coach or there would be some form of steering. Yep. Like, they would ask, can we go below? Yeah. Is there an oar? Yeah. But I can't imagine a world like, I can imagine a world where my seat reclines four inches and the other guy uses it like the, old person uses a towel bar to get off the s**tter every time they gotta get up. It's like you you do realize there's a human being sleeping here. I I know this is oh, how convenient. There's a leather covered lift bar that's in front of my seat, but understand there's another human being who's watching a movie who's you're doing that too constantly. Like, does that does that run through your mind? But, I said, how can you beat off? Like, I'm picturing himself, like, making a a teepee of, The USA Today or something, like, above him or something. It's like, you get the pod. You go internationally. You get the pod. That's it. And I'm like, that's it. Yeah. I I say Fitzdawg trumps you on on the bus, though. I mean, that's That's Golda. Marco. He was four p from terra firma. Tougher pod. Wow. That's good boy. But but today, 2016, it would be viewed as sexual assault. So I think you can I would be I would be knocking on doors for the rest of my life every time I moved? I totally can. That's true. I was a guy international waters over an ocean. Come on. I was You were safe. I was feet feet from a Catholic girl. And, and I would, and the driver, Kenny, this big black guy from Louisiana, we on the mornings, I'd sit in the front row and we'd talk muscle cars. Mhmm. He had a '69 Mustang Fastback. Mhmm. And then, and then I'd sit in the back back row on the way home and just leisurely put I'd put in a long day at school. I'd studied hard, gym cla*s. Oh, yeah. Study hall. Uh-huh. And now it's time, you know, they they didn't serve drinks on the bus, so you gotta unwind somehow. Right. Mhmm. And I just stroking one out, and Kenny would be looking at me in that in that mirror like FitzDog. What are you doing back there? What you doing back there, dog? FitzDog with a w. Wow. Well, while Gary's is more grand, FitzDog is by far more daring. Well, there was also a slit, and it was it was the big high rubber seats. So there was a slit in the vinyl back there, and I used to bring, toilet paper from school. And then, and then I I'd work it out onto the toilet paper, and then I'd jam it into the crease, and it would fall down into the back. So by the end of the school year Oh, the back of the bus. The very back. Oh, so that weird area, there's no way but that's against the back of the bus. Right. So it would accumulate. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That thing would've that thing went up in flame at some point. Oh, this kindling I'll tell you, like, one thing The seat's 22 years old now. It's the funniest seat in the cla*s. You know, we talk a lot about, you know, the haves and the have nots and or, like, you know, out here, it's like the poor Latina. Who's gonna clean your toilets or whatever it is? But handling jizz that's not your own Mhmm. Is really something that rich whitey doesn't really have to think about that much. That's a rich man, poor man right there. Because we Are you in a lab coat? With a reproductive center. You mean you're right. For for a rich man. Or you're mopping out FitzDog's boss. Right? Alright. This is Adam Cole Show nineteen fifty eight with the great Grapefruit Simmons. Gotta love it when he shares his embarrassing stories on air. Until tomorrow, hoe and get it on.